|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on May 25, 2006 7:49:15 GMT -5
And I had thought of something before it escaped my brain. Drat.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on May 25, 2006 23:12:26 GMT -5
Ack! I loathe it when that happens to me... (shakes fist at the disappearing thoughts)
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jun 19, 2006 20:56:59 GMT -5
ENTRY THE FIFTY-FIRST: EXPRESSIONS
To tell it so I waited outside for the rain and it came but it found my ground only too late and shook its coat anyway and it all feels Ecclesiastes
Koheleth I believed in you and I believe in you still I won't move, I'll wait on my reliable I'll rest in my Koheleth until I die
And when some look within It weighs them down It takes them down to the ground and lower still, but here I know and I always will
Koheleth I waited for you even when you were here reached after you when you passed by Only you know Only you can make it feel like life
because here I know This is the only place in all the world where I can see heaven That is, until I'm there Until I'm there
Koheleth keeps boiling me away Even the soul lies while the spirit keeps fast The stars make the night my friend and I'll rest in my Koheleth until I die
WoC: murklins, which means being in the dark.
Now this was just too plain amusing to pass up. Let's blunder about murklins and bang our shins!
Jandalf out.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jul 4, 2006 20:02:05 GMT -5
ENTRY THE FIFTY-SIXTH
I guess you couldn't really call it a real dream, on account of it being during the day. I was awake (I think), but it still felt a lot like a dream, with the lack of control and surrealism and everything. There was a little less surrealism this time, though, because leukemia has been a very real thing in the past; one of my aunts has gotten it twice and my grandmother was in her third bout of it when she died, so you might say it's in the family. We were scared Dad had it too, for a bit, before it turned out he had a different disease instead, one that maybe wasn't quite so bad (or didn't turn out to be so, anyway). And since I've been feeling so off lately without knowing a definite reason why, I suppose my wandering half-conscious brain came to the vague conclusion that I had leukemia.
Because I have wondered, here and there, if it might ever skip over to me. I've also wondered if knowing that you have it is much worse than thinking about the possibility. I doubt I'd die from it if it came to that, though. Lots of people live through it now.
I've been bruising a little bit easier but I haven't been running any fevers or anything, and most people I've talked to seem to think my thyroids are out of whack or something to that effect, since my heart is going nuts so often, which really happens to wear a person down... But I've gotten pretty good at faking good health, and I don't intend on losing my sense of humour over worrying if this thing is going to go away, which I think has kept me from feeling worse. Anyway, the blood test is on Friday morning, and hopefully I'll remember to ask what my blood type is, too. I've always been curious, and never remembered to ask. Needles are not my friends and that's probably enough to distract me from the question, most times.
I don't even know why I'm worrying. I'm not typically one to get anxious. Are all these thoughts just the result of a hormonal imbalance due to stupid thyroids? Do thyroids have any say in what I think, either directly or indirectly? That'd probably be a better question to ask the friend of mine who's just finished her first year of many in the study of biology (I wouldn't be surprised if she came out at the top of her class seven or eight years later). But we shall see. The doctor gave me this anxiety test thing to fill out just in case, to see if I have some kind of developing anxiety disorder or if I'm just under a lot of stress at the moment. I could vouch for the second, which I won't rant about again seeing as I've blathered to so many people about it already and I'm a bit tired of explaining it which is almost kind of stressful in itself. In any case, I hope they won't put me on meds. Although if it's a thyroid problem, apparently they might have to. I have no idea; all I've known about thyroids up until now are that they're the little glands underneath your jawline that release hormones that might or might not have something to do with growth (can't remember), that swell up really nastily sometimes when you're sick, and that throb in time with your heart and are therefore useful to take a pulse with. Besides the artery stuff just below them.
I'm not one to worry overly... but I do think and wonder too much sometimes. Like the time I was wondering if I had a piece of my brain missing, or if the media's being paid to play us all along and is part of some vast cover-up (no, I'm serious, I genuinely did... um... do wonder. Sometimes), and... Blimey. Do I sound paranoid already? I'm not. Sure, I lock the car doors compulsively, but I don't worry about someone sneaking into the house at night, even if I have turned over the thought of accidentally being shot through my bedroom window from some people over on the other block getting into a fight (in this town? Yeah, right. Even though it's technically a city now). I don't worry about storms; I'm drawn to them. I love watching them. I've stood outside staring in fascination at a green cloud spin in a lazy circle as the rest of the kids ran yelling back inside before recess ended (no, there was no tornado. To my partial disappointment). I'd absolutely love to be in a car race; the speed is so exhilarating. Watching them bores me to sleep, though. So am I partly paranoid, partly reckless? Is that possible? Or is my paranoia simply overactive imagination that hasn't developed into paranoia? That sounds a little more likely. A lot of my friends seem a lot more paranoid than I am, or might ever be.
There's also something else I've been thinking about now and then over the past long while, specifically about journals. I find them in themselves to be very interesting. It doesn't always have to do with who's writing in it, either, or what they put down, even though it is somewhat connected to the latter.
Aargh. I hate these allergies. Will someone please scratch my eyeball for me?
Anyway. It's like there's a sense of privacy in posting this kind of thing online, even though it's open to potentially billions of people to read (whether or not in their native language, of course, is something else). Am I the only one who likes both the notions of having it read by no one and having it read by many at the same time? And yet, also at the same time, I don't really care. The journal is primarily for my own use, and that's pretty much it.
(gets distracted, goes and eats some watermelon, comes back)
I want to see some real northern lights. None of the fuzzy green stuff, mind you, I'm talking about the sky-wide, sweeping, audibly rushing, multi-coloured extravaganza. The real display. There are only a few years left to the eleven-year high that they're on; after that, there'll be less chances of them happening for another... what did they say it was? Sixty years? One hundred? Something like that.
Oh, yeah... and today Mom called in to the place we had mailed in my RESP form to finally accept the funds this year (the deadline for the forms being July 31st), and apparently they hadn't received it. Good thing she called, or I would have been out $6000 for the year. And God, I haven't thanked you properly for putting that thought into her head to call, as I imagine you did, so THANK YOU. Resubmission is underway.
It's July the 4th, too. Independence Day. I wonder if the wind will carry over the sound of fireworks from the border this year... it's happened before. Partying it up in ND! Bwahahaha.
I really need to get around to getting my AirPort card checked.
WoC: famulus, which is a private secretary or attendant. Used especially to describe an assistant to a magician or scholar.
Mostly I just liked the sound of it. Snrk.
Jandalf out.
|
|
|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on Jul 5, 2006 13:58:50 GMT -5
Sounds like you're going thru a lot, Jandalf. Hope it all bodes well.
Heh, I'm like that too. It's an interesting paradox. But it's there.
Could famulus be applied to padawan? It sounds so much better.
Hang in there.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jul 6, 2006 15:09:06 GMT -5
"Ah, yes, my young famulus..."
Sounds so sophisticated, doesn't it? XD
Thank you, 'tis appreciated. And I had a sneaking suspicion I wasn't the only one who grappled with such paradoxes...
|
|
|
Post by Tiana, eh? on Jul 11, 2006 3:05:07 GMT -5
Famulus...
I need to go to sleep.
Stress apparently causes zits. Hmmmm...
You know, you never did bother telling me WHY you had to get blood tests...
Odd.
I forgot to ask why anyway, so I can't complain.
Zzzz. Only I typed Xxxx. Which sounds different.
What's your blood type?!!!
Ehe. I'm paranoid and I hate adrenaline rushes... seriously. It's so weird.
(shifty eyes) I only post like this when tired.
Please don't die or get arrested from illegally racing cars, Master dearest.
Um.
I had something else to say... argh...
Ooh.
Yes.
I like posting on journals online because I have some sort of weird sadistic need to know that people KNOW what I think. I can't be quiet. I can't keep things to myself. I have to scream it out, to let it out, to let everyone know... and it fulfills that need, writing online. If I didn't announce that "Oh, I feel so depressed" or "Argh, I'm mad at Jandalf again" or "I UPDATED MY STORY *I did*", or whatever, it wouldn't fix itself. If I kept it to myself that I was mad at Jandalf, I'd STAY mad at her rather than it being a half hour moping session and then "Oh, crud, what the HECK was I thinking?!"
If I post that I'm depressed, I can get it all out of my system...
Must let world knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...
I must become a reporter someday.
XD
They're coming to take you away, hahahahahaaaaaaa... to the funny farm!!!! BIRDS AND BEES AND BUTTERFLIES....
Blast you and that song!
[/post]
Xxx.
...
N.
Z. N Z N Z
|
|
|
Post by Mekka on Jul 11, 2006 11:52:10 GMT -5
*shoots Tiana with tranquilizer*
There you go, dearie... now sleeeeeeeep.
I like posting in online journals (although I don't have one here) because I tell all the things that I've been wanting to tell, only nobody was interested. Online? I don't have to care! If they don't want to read it, it's not my problem. *grin* So now you know how boring/random/insane my blog is....
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jul 11, 2006 22:35:27 GMT -5
Maybe that's why my back keeps breaking out... They were taking them just in case they'd find out what's wrong with me by testing me bloods. In other words: no one really knows. XD Guess what...they don't bother finding out unless they need to!!! The most likely ways for me to find out would be either to give blood or to get pregnant. Neither of which are looking very likely at all right about now. I think I'm going to put in another XD. XD It would somehow make sense if I was an O negative, though. Oh, no, don't worry. I want to do it legally and professionally. And I think it's like that for just about everyone...maybe the level of it varies, but yup... Blame it on the randomness of CBC Radio on Saturdays! That's where I heard it first. Greatly entertaining... Yes! Greatly freeing, isn't it? ENTRY THE FIFTY...UM...TH.Lithium... Does nothing for the head. But at least it's easier to understand than Smells Like Team Spirit. Or is that a good thing at all? Revision time. I'm so happy, 'cause today My characters are in my head They're so angsty, but that's okay 'Cause they're of use With broken hearts It's time for writing every day for all they know Are they prepared? Enter left stage in a daze The Angsting Squad Yeah, yeah (x6) Here's a good one Have you heard the latest plot It took me days And just maybe I'm to blame for writer's block But I'm not sure Now I've sighted where to go to find the end And I don't care It's all so thorny, but that's the key To know it's good Yeah, yeah (x6) (x2) I like it, I'm not gonna slack I miss it, I'm not gonna slack It's day now, I'm not gonna slack I'm plotting, I'm not gonna slack Anyways. Now that that's done. I'm getting that feeling again, where it feels like... like... aargh. Like let's say something goes underneath your ribcage, pulls your heart down, gives it a nasty squeeze, and puts ice cubes around it. Minus the cold part, it's that same feeling of aching numbness. Oh, well. It never lasts. I'm just in another one of my idealistic moments again. Namely, the one where I want to be constantly on the move. Strange how visiting the sudden explosion of babies in the family brought that on... I mean, I never really get many opportunities to hold them, but I still like seeing them. I'm still in the mode where even though I know better I handle babies like they'll break. I'll get over it someday. Snrk. Never mind Lithium. The song Vicarious by Tool... very quick way to feel sadistic and nasty. I could ramble on further with this post, but I have a scene to write, yes indeedy. WoC: gerontogenous, which is of, like or pertaining to the Old World. (glances left) (glances right) How's this for gerontogenous, then?Jandalf out.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jul 30, 2006 11:33:26 GMT -5
ENTRY THE FIFTY-EIGHTHWell, well, well, well, well... well. Here am I in Mahone Bay. First time I've ever been east of Toronto, and I just had to go all the way in one shot. I've caught a few glimpses of the Atlantic already, but not all that much yet. Still, at least I can lay claim to having travelled from sea to sea, and, once I step into the water, having been in both seas as well. This is most definitely a tourist-ready little town; it's like one in every three houses is a bed & breakfast and there are a bunch of sweet little shops all over the place. Bloggie.WoC: penarious, which means of or pertaining to victuals or provisions. I am generally interested in all things penarious, but I find myself lacking in the area at the moment. Time to stock up! Jandalf out.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Aug 23, 2006 23:57:11 GMT -5
BLEAH.
School. Books. Colours. Glass. Exhaust, traffic, parkades, airplanes I can't go on... That's always how I see an airplane taking off. Even before I wonder where it's going I wish I could be on it.
Everything's all an extended moment of change, anyway. I can think about what might happen tomorrow but the next day's only measured by a milestone of a single moment. I might as well look ahead to every coming second. It's tiring just thinking about it. College will be a series of lessons besides graphic design, and I'm anticipating I'll learn more of what it is to live in moments instead of in futures.
...That's kind of a self-contradictory statement. But you know what I mean. (grins)
Should I be wary of letting my imagination take over, or at what point should I cut it back? I'm going to be needing it (a lot), but where does it become dangerous? Is it more dangerous still to let it slip away?
Erm... to be continued. Or something.
|
|
|
Post by Tiana, eh? on Aug 24, 2006 0:05:37 GMT -5
I think we all know where it becomes dangerous, but refuse to admit it, and all know that it's far worse to let it slip away, because it's something God gifted us with, but like everything, it's our choice what to do with it. XD.
|
|
|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on Aug 24, 2006 8:49:03 GMT -5
Is it more dangerous to stay within the lines of safety, the accepted limits of your art, or to break the barriers and in doing so give yourself over to the excess of 'what might be' in your own life? There's a chance the second could happen. I think that's something all artists (all people) face. There's a fine balance in there, and you can only find it for yourself. Not much help, but I understand what you mean. Cheers.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Aug 24, 2006 15:14:42 GMT -5
Haharr! (cracks up) It's so funny when people answer my rambling rhetorics.
|
|
|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on Aug 25, 2006 9:02:10 GMT -5
(grins) It's quite fun to answer them.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Aug 25, 2006 21:21:01 GMT -5
BLEAH: PART TWO
Yes, rhetorics tumble in the brains. It seems that while everyone usually has an answer for them, there is always room to wander with it.
Myself... as far as imagination goes, I'd rather side with delving deep and dangerously, even if it lands me in th–
No, I take that back, just a little bit. I don't need to be spending hard-earned student-lifeblood money on antidepressants. ;D But I'd still rather push hard and wander far.
This might be my last access for a little while. I'm not too sure. Moving day is tomorrow, and while one of the MTS guys said that it usually takes them a week to set up internets in someone's home in Winnipeg, I'd estimate maybe two weeks before we get our hookup. Fortunately, I shall have access at school. Everything still seems to be working out okay. There were a couple of close calls with the registration process due to miscommunications (of which Tiana witnessed a bit), but they cleared out by chance. Hahahaha. Chance. Yeah, right. Do I reeeeeeeeaaaally still believe in coincidence, even though I automatically refer to it sometimes?
No.
And now I have myself a cell phone. O Spurned and Despised Little Shiny. I have never, never liked them on account of the purpose they so frequently serve. If anyone ever sees me with the thing constantly attached to my face, please slap me. Oh, the humanity. But anyway, there are some things I like about it. For example, the Imperial March and Yoda ringtones I downloaded. And the fact that I caught MTS in the middle of a promotion and got a camera-enabled hunk of plastic for free instead of their regular no-frills hunk of plastic. Oy, do students get breaks from the regular rates. Something in my favour when it comes to the curse of the phone, at least. No land line, so this will be my one and only.
...Oh, horrors! Can this be? A small but evidently present armpit hole in a relatively new shirt of mine? This I must mend before it is submitted to the ancient raging wrath of the washing machine! Terrors uncounted await it there!
TWO MINUTES LATER
There.
Whoever said you can't have your cake and eat it too must have been silly enough to buy a cake before he was hungry. [/unaffiliated thought]
Okay. So anyways, I'll work at connecting back up as soon as likely, without a doubt in the purtiful new campus of mine. I should post pictures of it. Because it is sw33t.
Also probably to be continued. Or something.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Aug 31, 2006 19:25:24 GMT -5
BLEAH: PART THREE...The doorbell just rang one second ago. Who could that be... Hmmm. Dood running for city council. I have no idea who these people are. I've only been here for a week, after all. Not as though I pay attention to municipal elections back home either, though. ;D Oh, well, doesn't matter. I haven't lived here for six months, so my opinion doesn't count. So. I is now student. I is now post-secondarial. I can feel every muscle in my right shoulder. Stupid hulking portfolio. The case contains the mandatory art kit all us graphic design (GD for short) students must cough up nearly $900 for. Thus, I have essentially blown through $1700 in one week. Not counting tuition. Not surprising, but... Mm-hmm. So out of the 120-some people that applied for the GD course, the 51 of us that got in were split into two groups, and I am in group two with the sw33t schedule. Monday I'm at school from 8-5, Tuesday 9-5, Wednesday 8-1, Thursday 9-6, and Friday 9-12. Certainly an improvement from the constant 8-5 drag I was expecting, and every day there is at least one spare hour. Monday and Thursday being the long drags of the lot. I have, what, nine different classes in total? My Basics of Form prof has a somewhat monotonous voice but a keen eye, knows exactly what he wants and lets us know very clearly. Thank goodness I got a different prof for Intro to Advertising than the one they had last year. She's hilarious, apparently very unlike the previous lady. The Principles of Drawing prof is a bit on the quiet side, laid-back and very approachable, and the Production/Intro to Electronic Publishing prof is almost kind of boisterous in comparison, but not overly so... he's quite cynical and amusing to listen to. No idea how the guy who's teaching WHMIS will turn out, but hopefully he'll be interesting, because I can predict already that the material itself will be a bore. I've already gone through WHMIS junk about, oh, three or four times over the course of high school and work... argh. "Don't eat your conté, kids! That will be all." Then there's the History/Personal Development prof who's said to have been teaching for thirty-three years... he's a riot to listen to as well. Also cynical, and he mumbles off on tangents before suddenly making a point with a clear, raised voice. I love him. And there's the Intro to Typography prof... she obviously knows the GD market very well. Lots of good tips from her, and she's also quite entertaining. Whew. Bus routes are good... I have two to choose from and the stop's right close to my and Lindo's rented little bungalow, which is also turning out to be a good 'un... very fortunate find. Basically all we had to bring were various personal effects and mattresses. The landlady's a first-time renter, and we're first-time tenants as far as renting houses goes, so we went over the paperwork, tried to make as much sense of it as we could, and there are just a few outlets that Dad's going to look after before everything's good to go. Maybe a couple of shelves and the like will be brought in from home yet. And a real desk. This thing's surface is about as three times as big as my laptop, and its legs are all wobbly. (grins) We got our internets pretty nice and quickly, too, seeing as Shaw appears to be much more responsive with their installation time than MTS. Now Lin just needs a wireless card, and we'll be cruising. Ow, my neck. Does anyone have any good... simple... student recipes? I can cook, but I can't profess to be a master chef... Luckily I have my shiny toaster oven that I got for Christmas. Snrk. ...I was going to say something else but I forgot it now. Drat. I imagine my internet time shall now be limited to some of the traditional YIM writing time, making a stop at ME:I, emails... maybe comics now and then... Well, not a vast change from what it was like last year. I'm just going to have no other free time, that's all. XD More later. Probably.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 9, 2006 10:43:49 GMT -5
BLEAH: PART FOUR
Sometimes I hate my brain. Often.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 22, 2006 20:47:00 GMT -5
BLEAH: PART FIVE
Like I mean really hate. A lot.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 24, 2006 15:39:19 GMT -5
|
|