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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 14, 2005 16:07:44 GMT -5
I listen to Kutless... snrk. (grins) And thanks. You know, I had the feeling you knew how I felt because of COUGHWEALLKNOWWHOYOUMEANLIKELYASNOTCOUGH... heh...
And of course you've done things right in your life. You were on the list of admin candidates... and there were members way older than you who didn't make it!
Entry 20
I cleaned off my computer desk and put my books on a shelf. Wow, it looks so bare now... and it's still hardly clean. (grimaces) But it's CLEANER...
No lyrics. That was a rediculously short post.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Nov 15, 2005 11:35:40 GMT -5
The crazy thing is, the envied usually envies the envier in return because of other traits, and then when one or the other comes through to bemoan the fact that she thinks she's inferior because of this & that & the other thing, the one who's listening is taken aback because she doesn't understand why the speaker can't see how truly flawed the listener thinks herself to be, and how much she wants to be like the speaker in turn... Vicious circle. If that made any sense. Heh. It makes individuality a hard goal to keep after, unfortunately.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 21, 2005 3:27:39 GMT -5
If anyone envies me, they need to get a life and read my RL RPG posts to see that I'm really not all cracked up to be.
Entry something
I'm tired.
I can't think.
I'm now at 38 900 ish words.
If I could think straight, I would type straight, but I can't. Zzzzz. I had more stuff to say, but I feel dead. Very dead. I'm now stuck on writing another prologue piece for my novel, don't ask why, it's not a rewrite, I swear it... stupid two plus part story... hurt Amber... kill characters... nice for sadistic streak...
Ariane wants a mocha.
I don't know why either.
><
I should be asleep. So should Jandalf.
I should find lyrics, but my brain is dead. Go home. Shoo.
I LOVE JETHER!!!
[/pointless]
This is not a post hike, this is a serious journal entry.
Oh, yes, and I might get the chance to be on a worship team for Sunday once in a whileish. Yay for me! (happy) But I'm sad because a girl backed out of the Christmas play and now mom and I need rewriting to be done...
Um...
(falls over)
Lyrics... no, sorry. Go look for Mary Did You Know, I don't know who by.
T out. T is dead. T...
IS A SHOEBOX!!
(is in dread need of sleep, ignore this post if you are not on caffeine and half dead)
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 24, 2005 3:40:32 GMT -5
Entry (mind blank)
44 200 words or so. I think I'm coming down with a cold. Which isn't good, because if I'm stuck in bed, I won't be able to write the 6K that I need to finish my novel. My fingers aren't hitting the right keys. That might be because I'm just overtired, mind you. But I am NOT going to get sick, you hear me! NOT!!
(cough)
...Oh, crap.
Heh.
This is what happens when I post at 1:30 in the morning on a caffeine-dullened stupor. That's the only way to decribe my brain. And I still need to write a thousand words (I didn't get to them yet because I did Jandalf's sigs and added in the randomized sigs), do my devotions and daily Bible reading (have to do before bed or can't sleep very well. It's very calming, actually). And I have to stop rambling.
My brain hurts. Well, it doesn't, but the computer is swimming... need coffee, but if I do that, I won't get to sleep for hours... will it kill me to go on at 10 in the morning and type then? Um... I have no idea, actually. I suppose if I go on at 11 again I have an excuse to hang around and write for an hour if Jandalf doesn't come online, which she may or may not, because we haven't planned any morning meetings, but mom doesn't need to know that for certain so I might be able to pull off an hour then, and I can write one or two K in the morning because I write better when I'm awake.
I also don't write horrid run-ons when I'm awake. Usually.
Inner-grammar-freak, forgive this post. (dies horribly)
No lyrics, but if you pull out the DVD for AotC and let that music play through over and over again you'll know what's stuck in my braaaaaaaainsssssssss...
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 8, 2005 21:31:33 GMT -5
Finished novel ages ago... um... well, not finished, but you know. Lessee.
Entry: Something or another.
23?
Something like that.
WE'RE GOING TO SEE NARNIA TOMMOROW!!
I get to play What Child is This in a Piano Party tommorow. Heh. Should record and post link or something.
Am randomly mad at Jandalf. This won't last. It never does. It probably won't last much more than a few minutes, actually, as she's not around. Explanation for anger? Belated PMS. (grins) I didn't get it when I was suppose to (the mood swings). So I'm getting it about a week later. Sigh... but I feel horrible and I can feel the hormones within taking really weird moves... I have no idea why, actually.
I'm not REALLY mad at Jandalf, fortunately. Actually, now I'm mad at the keyboard, which had a thingy stuck in it. I love Jandalf. Must be calm. Must love everyone. Must... not...
YAGH!
Okay, I'm done. I hope.
Must buy small kitchen appliances...
I should change my avatar, but I LOVE having Tiana and Jether on there... gah...
Methinks half of my mood issues is related to Ariane. Stupid characters don't do much for me. And I think I'm coming down with something. What, you ask? Um, about ten extra pounds, actually... eh... I need to change my sigs on MEI. I'm getting bored of some of the present ones.
(rants)
Eh.
(proceeds to die)
Lyrics:
Go away. I don't have anything for you. Go find the Snow Falling in Cedars soundtrack, though...
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 9, 2005 4:20:28 GMT -5
Entry 24? At the moment, my hair is black. Go away. For some strange reason, having my hair a very similar color to one of my character's hair colors does weird things to my mood. Heh. (cackles somewhat) My hair is not my own. Honestly. I just went from the color/shade of hair the girl in this sig of mine has ( i8.photobucket.com/albums/a10/angstypen/sigs/wokeup.jpg ) to black. Whee. Now to see if it'll stay in when I wash it... I'll have to see about pictures. I feel like part of me's turned into Ariane. Gah. (bash head on wall) Lyrics... um... New Hope Generation by Falling Up. Go look for it yourself.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Dec 24, 2005 19:11:47 GMT -5
Eek... I still want pictures...
Oh, no. Don't turn into Ariane...I'd have to get Elachi to tie a pillow to your head... Although maybe she's just turning more into a part of you? (ponders)
I still must download music from your emails...
(hugs) And merry Christmas. Heh.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 24, 2005 19:20:16 GMT -5
My nose is dying, and unfortunately so much of it washed out the first time I washed my hair, and I hadn't gotten a picture first... sigh... we still have pics, but I don't know how obvious it is that my hair was darker.
ENTRY SOMETHING. Go away.
My nose is on permanent faucet mode. I'm depressed, annoyed, and glaring at the lack of snow. Force! What is WRONG here?! It's CANADA!! And there's not even snow on all of the ground. It's... warm. I can go outside in a normal shirt, because -5 isn't that hard on me. That's Canadian temperature. Too lazy to convert.
Meh.
I hate my aliases.
...Why would Elachi need to tie a pillow to my head if I turned into Ariane? (confused)
I got a book and gum from Jandalf for Christmas. SHE'S going to get... stuff. I plan to send it Tuesday, because the post office doesn't open til then. Meeheehee.
I feel fat. It makes me tempted to not eat anything tommorow. Unfortunately I like sugar too much to not eat any of it...
Lyrics... erm...
LOOK! YOU GET SOME TODAY!
Last Words Lyrics by Thousand Foot Krutch
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 24, 2005 20:50:24 GMT -5
Entry next
No lyrics because this is only a half hour later.
I know it's hormones. I know it's hormones! Honestly, I do! I can't help that. I wish I could. But I can't. I can't do a blasted thing about it. And this is one of the worse depressed PMS hormone slumps I've hit. I don't think even the Candlelight service will manage to cheer me up. I'm going to end up with a dreary Christmas just because everyone isn't there and therefore it gets amplified in my mind due to hormones.
Got to hate them.
I'm moody enough normally as it is. Seeing everyone as ignoring me (they are) and myself as a fat, wasted, failure doesn't help. I know. It's fatigue. Sigh. And hormones.
Merry Christmas to you all who might actually have a merry Christmas anyway. (sigh) And hope I snap out of it before I end up glooming through another holiday.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 24, 2005 22:22:41 GMT -5
ENTRY WHATEVER:
Since someone might be following the sobbable saga of my life, you might be interested to know that the Christmas Eve service DID help. Heh. Now I'm in a semi-tolerable mood (for those non-Christians, I'd rather you didn't think of me as weird for this), and I'm presuming it's because I finally managed to get ahold of myself enough to briefly pray that God would decimate those CURSED hormones.
It worked, whatever it was, anyway. Heh.
Adrienne and Darth Aragorn liked their Christmas gifts. I scanned them in and will post them up sometime. Because they're cool. They gave me a stuffed Threepio toy. Snrk.
Anyway, I'm betterish now. It also might be that I might be able to get to go to church after all tommorow. It'd just be me, but I might be able to. Helpful for mood, that would be. I'm slightly better, anyway. A full night's sleep might aid this mood by a lot, anyway... so tired... (falls over)
Meeheehee. I have a headache.
My nose still hates me.
I want karma points! My aliases are going to catch up to me... and pass me... do you know how hard on the ego the very IDEA of that is?!
...Bad Karma just signed in on I'm. Do you know how WEIRD that is for my brain?
Yes, I'm ranting pointlessly. Go away if you can't take it. Heh heh. I'm on PMS at the moment. It never helps me think straight. Ever. EVER. AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Merry Christmas?
Bah. Humbug...
Mmm. Humbugs. A type of candy, I hear.
I'm still fat...overweightish..., though. Eh.
Candy...
Zzzzzzzzzz.
And, on another random topic, did you know how strange it is to have a crush on an actual person for the first time in my life? Not DA. He's like a brother to me. A little brother to boot. No, I think I have a crush on some guy who works at an Extra Foods. It's not really that I like him... I've never even talked to him beyond standard store "Do you need anything/can you tell me where --------- is?" type stuff. But he's cute. (sighs) It doesn't help that he's started waving at me, whereas when I first noticed him (because he looks like one of my characters) he was a sullen Elachi-seeming type. At least, from what I seen. Heh.
Sigh.
Life makes no sense.
I don't want to be confusticated. I just want to sleep.
[/rant of no particular order]
Lyrics... need... lyrics... sigh.
Um...
JINGLE BELLS, BATMAN SMELLS, ROBIN LAID AN EGG. THE BATMOBILE GOT A BROKEN WHEEL AND THE JOKER GOT AWAY!
...yeah.
Sorry.
There's your lyrics, anyway.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 25, 2005 2:51:21 GMT -5
...Wow, I'm posting a lot. ENTRY 42. Pppbbth. A random observation. Why is it that people are always such horrible morning people when they're at their best in the morning? I mean, you're taller AND weigh less! Yet everyone complains. (considers this) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! ...Reading Hogfather did very little for my perception of Santa Claus, I can tell you that. Clause. Claus. Hmm. Yeah, I'm tired. I should sing a song slow and hike it to chipmunk speed and stick it to play in the background somewhere on MEI. Oh... My MEI Christmas banner. Heh. (shrugs) Yup. And no lyrics. Unless you WANT me to sing Grandma Got Ran Over in text.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 26, 2005 0:17:12 GMT -5
...It's raining.
Oh, right. ENTRY SOMETHING.
...it's still raining.
HONESTLY!!
(sighs)
LET IT RAIN, LET IT RAIN, LET IT RAIN.
Oh, feel the paaaaaaaaaaaain. Plus I've contracted a cold. Fortunately the sore throat part started after I ate. Snrk.
Interested in knowing what I got?
Books:
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith SW: Star by Star Manwha Mania: How to Draw Korean Comics Star Wars: Force Heretic III
CDs:
Kutless: Strong Tower Soundtrack: Return of the Jedi
DVD:
Clone Wars Volume I
...Um...
Oh. A plasma lamp, a mirror with a paint-by-number frame and a jewelry box. And a bit of chocolate. I think that was it.
No lyrics. I can't remember who sang "Where Are You Christmas" to look it up.
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Post by Morgana Le Fay on Dec 31, 2005 18:13:06 GMT -5
Amy Grant. Yah, hormones and cute guys will seriously wreck your life. Belieeeeeve me. Mostly hormones, though. You just got to keep pluggin' through. And try to sleep. But then, you never can because hormones keep your brain awake... Life isn't supposed to make sense. It just is. Hope you're feeling better now than you were in some of you earlier entries.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 2, 2006 0:31:51 GMT -5
I'm a bit better now, yeah. And YAY! You're using one of my avatars. (cackles)
ENTRY SOMETHING OR ANOTHER:
Happy new year! Whee. (falls over) Don't drink anything with caffeine in it before bed. Hard to sleep while jittering.
I made a thread on the DioM forum for "Character artwork" and stuck half-jokingly in little text that I'd do commissions for cheap. (grins) Someone PMed me and asked me to do them an album cover for ten bucks. I was astounded/touched. And accepted. Meeheehee.
Yup.
Er...
That's all for now, chaps. I think I'm going to start posting on BD again and try get some new members...
Lyrics.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 2, 2006 17:50:07 GMT -5
Entry... er...
...
I JUST SPENT AN HOUR *plus* KILLING CHICKENS.
On RuneScape.
My siblings were amazed. I never spend time on there. But I suppose I have to now. Some guy offered me a ton of money to get him 500 cow hides. Heh.
Killing virtual chickens is amusing, really... the unlimited fountain of chickeny wealth...
Methinks Jandalf should not be online while Jandalf is at work.
...I have no further comment. It's too early to think of song lyrics to post.
Tiana out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 6, 2006 2:31:51 GMT -5
Entry something. I've stopped caring about numbers. It doesn't matter what number the post is, only that it exists.
So, how to start this...
I'm mad at Jandalf.
I'm past PMS, so it's not hormone induced. By this point, a day or so later, I generally have regained enough control that I can't blame it on hormones.
I hate being mad at her. Particularly when I'm perfectly aware she's working til 8:30ish my time. Probably later. And probably likely to avoid me if she sees my journal post in her journal and misinterpets it. Or even this one. Insecurities are murder, and not just for me, I've become all too strongly aware of that.
I'm going to have to try to get online earlier tommorow, then. Because the only way I'll be able to keep this from fireballing is if I rant at someone besides her. Joan tends to accept it fairly well, which is nice. And she rants back, which is also, in a strange ironic sort of way, nice. Talking with Forca helps too, sometimes. Though I haven't chatted with her enough to be certain. It worked the other day, at any rate.
I simply hate being mad at people.
I can't control myself, entirely. This post is probably one that should be done somewhere where I know people won't be reading it, but I think I have to do it in the open. I hate locking away my secrets, it eggs at me and leaves me to cry at night when I only have one person left to turn to with all those shadows inside of me—even if He's the most useful person in existance to talk to, when I let Him be. That's why so often the posts I make on here are rants, inward yellings... they get it out of my system, and all the moreso for knowing that someone else can and may very well read them. It frees me.
It's my way of keeping myself accountable.
Oh, I hardly take advantage of it. I don't use MEI as a confessional, kneeling and muttering about "bless me for I have sinned', or whatever the lines are. But it helps with the emotional issues, to scream when I fall into such deep depressions that I can hardly breathe, though they don't show on my outside self.
She locks things away. She's not the person you see online... the person online, well, that's Tiana. It's just another RPG, in a sense, taking on the extravorted admin who has no qualms. In reality, I'm different. I'm deathly afraid of what people think of me. But I also have emotions, far too many of them. And they show now too, but not in the ways I'd want them to. When PMS hits, I go crazy, almost literally. I have no control, either going one way or the other... the mood swings can't be helped. Mom claims I can control them. But the thing is, I don't think she knows the intensity I feel inside. In reality, I can't talk like this.
Only words.
Writing is my sole escape at times.
I feel trapped so often, trapped by phobias, insecurities, and the little things I've grown so desperately to rely on. I cannot be snapped from my routines, it seems. I have to do things in such and such manner before I go to bed, and though I don't think about it, it just does. I don't know. I'm not OCD, but yet I exibt a number of the qualities. The need for compulsion...
My phobias kill me. I'm afraid of the dark, of people seeing me wrong, that everyone lies and is biased... that's why I react so strongly to Jandalf's posting images. I don't have anything wrong with it, per se. I love her artwork. It's incredible, and she's very gifted.
Yet everyone RL tells me that too. Yet it doesn't WORK. Perhaps I lack the meekness required to be humble. Perhaps it's just the way my head works. But I have to be the best, so often. When someone who's obviously better than me rubs themself down, I take offence because if they're crap, then what am I compaired to them? A piece of recycled dust? It feels that way, to me. I can't help but take things that way. I'm terrified of being lied to. Mom's biased, really, in that way. I can't rely on her, or family members opinions to tell me what my work's really like. I can't rely on anyone's, because if they're not as good as I am, who are they to tell me it's incredible? Maybe it is, to them. And maybe it's hardly worth anything.
I don't know what drives me to react this way. Ranting like this helps, at least, even if it must severely annoy the readers... or perhaps they already leave. I don't blame them. It must be horrible to have to suffer through the scribbled rantings of a partly insane teenager.
I'm afraid of the dark.
What sort of admission is that? One that pains me. It's not so much of a phobia at times as it is at other times... which has to make no sense. To explain? It intensifies after I've had to write something severely emotional (such as a post like this), ended up reading something that hurt my feelings and just got me mad/terrified/upset (such as the issue on Jandalf's journal, which don't bother, because I edited out my original post), or after I've read some sort of dark book, particularly anything having to do with demons and other darkness.
I'm terrified of losing friends. I don't have very many. I have Adrienne, an RL friend who I see once, twice, maybe three times a week, depending on whether we have youth group and Awana. It feels like I'm losing her. It's perhaps that I've matured in far different manners, but yet I've grown far more immature in some aspects. She's more naive, and for that I envy her. It's annoying, because she finds any miniature level of implications in fiction evil, but it's also incredible, because she isn't stuck in the state of situation-forced adulthood that I am.
In reality, I'm mature. I'm insane among friends, but that's about it. I tend to go silent when I'm not with someone I can freely talk to.
Jandalf's my friend. She's probably the closest friend I have, to be truthful, though Adrienne's a... how do you put this... a more grounded friend? Adrienne I've known since I was like five or so. I'd hate to lose her, because I love her for her innocent insanity. It's so much fun to talk to her on movie topics and suchnot. But Jandalf's more... intense? Perhaps that works to explain it. Adrienne's a twin sister, someone I've grown up to goof off with. Jandalf's an older sister, someone who I immediately bonded with.
She's the only person mom understands my "appointments" with, really.
And the only internet friend that could scar me for the rest of my life.
Oh, it would hurt me like fire if Forca, or Joan, or Warious told me they hated me and abandoned me. I'd cry about it. I've grown close to them as well, but perhaps not so close. No, I can say it truthfully. It would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to forge another friendship that close online. It would kill me. The only human being besides mom and Jandalf I could stand being that close to would have to be my husband. It's definately not the same sort of love, but it's the same sort of bond. Something that would kill me to cut.
I hate being mad at people. It hurts me to sit and write when all I want to be able to do is erase everything I've done. But I know it can't be undone, and I know everytime it happens I'm endangering a friendship. In situations like these, love and hate become almost merged, to a point where my perspective wavers and I'm left only to be able to cry or type, and somehow get it out of my system. And the only reason I post these posts is because I know that no matter how much it ruins someone's perspective of me, I'm probably never going to meet them. And if I do meet them, perhaps it'll save some of their sanity to know what an incredible failure I am when it comes to emotions.
I won't be able to get married. I'll scare anyone long before they could ever get that close to me. It doesn't help that I'm pale with sunken eyes and wearing makeup would look like a vampire, and am short with a strange bone structure. It doesn't help that I can't wear nice clothes if I was paid to... they just make me look worse. And it DEFINATELY doesn't help that I role-play, write, am nearly literally insane, and can be shot off into crying at the worst of moments, and then laughing and screaming the next. It doesn't help that I'm insecure, unable to stand sleeping without some sort of light on, and don't have enough faith to even turn my own thoughts off when I know I should be silent.
I don't know whether I'm a failure, some sort of genius, a suicidal maniac, or just plain crazy.
I need so desperately to be loved for who I really am, and yet I scare off anyone who could ever get close enough to me to even be my friend. I want to go to Manitoba for the sake of meeting the rest of Jandalf's family, as we had her this last year, but I don't think I should. I'd end up crying, or something, and they'd hate me.
I don't want to be depressed, but I can't help myself.
At least one advantage came of this. My characters aren't babbling anymore. (snorts) Not like it's that hard to shut them up, but they vanished before I could consider asking them to go away nicely. Yeah, the voices in my head. I know they're not real, but they're close enough at times. No, they shut up. Now it's just my own shadows driving me partly insane.
I swear, I'm going to die of depression, just like that poll said.
One of the other polls set up was for who was going to randomly disappear. Maybe it would be better if I did. If I deleted my forum user names, shut down my email accounts, never touched YIM again. I'd vanish without a trace, my emails rebounding if anyone considered sending them, my offline messages untouched. The posts would be named by guests only, and MEI would have to be run by my other admins.
Maybe I'd be happier that way, to be free of the responsibility that this has forced upon me.
Would anyone notice, beyond that I suddenly became a guest? Would my "friends" notice? Would those who I've classed as close as family notice?
I hate being mad at Jandalf. It does weird things to my brain. I can't help that I am mad at her, even though I'm not so sure I remember why, but I bloody well can rant about it if I want to! This my my journal, I can rant if I want to.
...And the annoying thing is, I still have to send her her birthday gift.
I get mad at people in really weird ways. Because no matter how mad I get, I couldn't just cut off a friendship. I can only worry that it will get cut off.
I think I'm trying to test it. I'm as bad as Ariane in that aspect, continually doubting, always wondering why. I almost think I'm trying to make Jandalf start avoiding me, just to prove I can. I don't know why. I have the weirdest mentality in existance, I swear it. I hate my head. It does weird things to me too. Because it'd tear me apart to lose someone that close to me. I don't know how she got there, just being an internet friend, but somehow she did.
Losing anyone would tear me apart, but perhaps some more than others. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, that I've let some people get that close.
Mom doesn't mind my roleplaying, as long as it doesn't effect who I am.
I have to blame everything on something, anyway. It's my character's faults! Why? Because they were in a good mood when Jandalf and I shut down for the night. Therefore its their fault. If one of them was moody, I could've stuck my energy into a angsty scene and just simply forgotten about it. Sort of. Only it would've egged at me for the rest of my existance. I'm still mad at myself for kicking a scoccer ball in a game when I wasn't suppose to, though I bet I'm the only one who remembers that I did that. And it probably still will, because if Jandalf makes any comment (which she has to if she reads this, otherwise I'll worry for the rest of my life that she's mad at me if she can't read this extensively long rant and take it as somewhat of an appology) I'll probably still take it as insecure.
Everyone hates me. Everyone's too busy to talk to me.
...Actually, it's strange, that. Whenever I get in these moods, it's very conveniently timed til after everyone I know's offline. (sighs)
I'm a bloody cynic. I don't trust anyone's motives. I think they're all lying to me to make me feel better. I suppose that's the one side effect from RPing that wasn't there before. One might say the whole characters in head was from that, etc. But it wasn't. That started when I was ten and watched Star Wars and discovered I could run through scenes in my head using my own characters in similar situations.
I've learned to see things as a narrator. I can't enjoy most books because I see all their flaws. I can't watch a movie without predicting the outcome of every move. I can't judge a person without assuming they're out to get me.
Cynics are always people who are insecure. They judge the motives of other people only because they know no other choice, they insult people because they see insult in everything said to them, and they take life in mockery.
This post should be disregarded, but I had to rant somewhere where it wouldn't just be on a piece of paper. Things shouldn't come out, sometimes, but if I let them stay within it just gets worse.
To love someone is the worst thing a person can do to themselves, because no matter how much you love someone, there's always going to be an equal hurt from it.
I don't know whether any of my internet friends ever realize or understand just how much I love them. I don't suppose I should let myself become so attached. It hurts. Too much. Because it would hurt just as much to lose an RL friend as an internet friend who I've grown anywhere near close to... any anyone who I chat with around once a month is probably close to me. I'd rather write fiction than chat with some people, not that I don't like them, simply that they don't reply fast enough to hold my interest. (rolls eyes) But it would hurt. Too much. I've never not meant it when I said I loved someone, when I've hugged them multiple times in the same email/conversation... I've never not meant it.
I don't know whether they know I mean it, though.
And even if they do know, do they care? Or am I just another chat friend, or someone who can be freely hurt?
I don't know what to do about my friendship with Jandalf. I've hurt her too much lately, it feels like, and it's because I'm close enough to her to hurt our friendship. I'm afraid for that sake to get close to anyone else, even though I want to chat with some of my other friends a bit more often... it's not like it would be stepping out of my way to turn YIM on more. But I'm afraid of hurting them now too. If I can hurt someone I've only known a couple years, I can do the same to someone I've only known one year.
I'm afraid to hurt them too.
And by doing that, I'm hurting myself far too much. (emotionally)
I don't know what to do.
Disregard this post. I'm tired, depressed, and worried I'm going to lose a good friend at the rate I'm going.
Rather fitting lyrics...
Project 86: A Shadow On Me:
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 6, 2006 12:42:42 GMT -5
I still don't understand how we're able to let our cynicism get in the way after all this time... You know I love you, but I want you to know it again and that I'd never leave because of my own issues. I hope you take this as sincere, because it is, just like your last post. I could tell that, and although it hurt to read (because of my own mistakes), it left everything a bit more clean. With more clarity.
I haven't got the time at the moment to keep going here, but I'll come back as soon as I can to add more.
EDIT: I might have gotten a reminder of something. I'm not sure, but it's what I'm thinking...
In the last semester of grade 12, I read the book Lord of the Flies and learned for the first time that that's the translation of the name Beelzebub. Then just over a year ago, while in Mexico, one of the leaders of our venture to the San Carlos area told me about a certain spiritual significance that flies have, how they'd always show up for her before a danger approached.
I haven't seen a fly in months, and today there one was, buzzing around in the washroom, right before I came to see the above post. I asked about it, and I got the impression that I was being told not to be distracted by the small and irritating things, which over time have a way of multiplying until they can eat their way through just about anything. Not to put all the fault on the Enemy, as it doesn't all lie with him, but I was told to be careful of what gets the focus. It's a problem more common between family members than friends, I've found, and so I'd think you really are a sister, in all but blood. Maybe that's ironic, eh? how being that close can be so incredible and so irritating at the same time.
To be continued again...running out of time.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 6, 2006 18:57:25 GMT -5
Ergh. That was probably a post that should never have surfaced to public reading, unfortunately I calm down better and can control something better when I know it's free for anyone to read.
It's also easier to me to explain things in one long post than the I'm arguing.
Mom says you know you're close to someone when you can fight with them (and then make up).
As I said. I can't let myself get this close to anyone again unless it's my husband... it'll drive me insane. Because when you let someone become as close as family, they'll irritate you as much as you love them.
I don't know why I can't ever get rid of the cynicism... it really doesn't help anything.
You're not allowed to get mad at me until I send you your Christmas/Birthday gift... I hope I'll be able to send the darned thing on Monday, but the post office is closed, of course, so you'll get it late. At least it's FINISHED now...
But you're not allowed to get mad at me until then. Because I can't send someone who hates me a gift and I don't need double copies of one book...
I made myself a blogsome blog. (calthyechild.blogsome.com) I think I like it. Because I can use it to post, like, EVERYTHING.
Now, if Joan'll notice that I just IMed her, I can chat with someone. If not, I suppose I should find some reference photos and carry on with my Clone Wars stylized Tiana and Jether. (snickers) It amuses me greatly, those movies.
Oh. Since this is sort of done replying to Jandalf... I think... ((I love you too, Master. But you know that.))
ENTRY SOMETHING:
I FINALLY WATCHED THE CLONE WARS 1 DVD!
It was amusing.
That's really all I have to say, mind you. (shrugs)
Because I'm braindead.
No lyrics. I'm braindead right now.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 8, 2006 0:54:58 GMT -5
Entry something. I was amused. Greatly. I'm still not 100% out of the depressed stage. I have a feeling I'll be that way for a while, considering I'm still slightly annoyed at Jandalf, and I'm aware that if I tell her my reasoning it'll spawn another blowout, therefore I'm refusing to say anything. I feel untrusted, though. That may never change. I learn more from her journal than she ever tells me, and I consider her a very close friend. I feel sorry for all you people who read my journal. Teenage angst. I'm tempted to change my sig/avi set. I mean, it probably effects everyone else's moods when I'm wearing dark and evil stuff... heh... I can't help it, though. PRESENT IRKING THING: Jandalf has more karma than me. OTHER PRESENT IRKING THING: Cannot be said, because it would reveal too much about my evil and desperately obvious secrets... ANOTHER IRKING THING: Can aliases have journals? Heh. Um... yeah. I just finished inking Agent Ariane. It wasn't as intensively inked in direct blacks as I wanted her to be, though. Sigh. Oh well, I suppose I just can't pull off that style... sigh. Meh. Now I feel limited on my art, etc, because I'm obligated to let Jandalf be better than me, because, after all, she's my ELDER. (notice extreme and intensive sarcasm here, now. But it left me rather ticked off that now I'm actually thinking of her as older than me because of our last conversation, which DID help, but didn't help me for now being stuck as miniature and worthless three grades younger. Do people WANT me to go back to writing cardboard plotted stories and drawing people out proportion because I'm younger?! Force... I can't help I need to be as good as I utterly can.) Nngh. Yeah, I'm moody today. Not really depressed, just moody. Big-Sister-Master-Person is very hard on my moods. *sigh* Maybe I should go back to being her Padawan. It's safer on my mentality. Hmm. I'm just ranting purposelessly now, though. More flaming than posting sanely. But I really don't have anything of interest in my life to rant about. Siiiiiiigh. (Sighs) Oh, yeah, and our family's uber-in debt. Really great, that. Not. And dad's going to be off work fairly soon, because he does construction and the site's finished. I'm not tired, and yet I am. I feel drained. I hate fatigue. It's this sort of half dead sense of being. It makes me feel broken, as if some alien creature bit into my insides and is slowly but surely sucking my vitality away. Oh, yeah, and I'm worried I might be diabetic. Lovely, eh? But I'm not allowed to be. Not if our family's having money issues. We can't afford to pay for anything more... my needing various inhalers every now and again is bad enough. Eh... I feel like falling over. Eh... (falls over) Ooh, look. Shinies! Gotta love the lyrics... they express me very well at times, I think. STEREOTRAP LYRICS - Sorry
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 8, 2006 3:22:39 GMT -5
ENTRY...yeah... I need to recount, or something... I have decided I hate the signature randomizer code. It makes everything run so SLOWLY!! Gah. Anyway, I'm posting for the purpose of posting an image. For moi, a la realism only, that was a stretch an a half. Needless to say, that was an attempt to draw Jether in Clone Wars cartoon stylizing. It amuses me. I did Tiana too, but she didn't turn out as well, and when I did some weird thing, he ended up looking dirastically (sp? I KNOW it's wrong...) different, so I just finished his. I loved the result. It's not something I see from a CGIed pencil drawing very often on my stuff... heh... Who cares if it wouldn't pass as Jether now anyway... I just liked it, because it's so different from my general work. GOOD NIGHT, ALL! (falls over) I'll never wake up for church... No music. Go away.
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