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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 22, 2004 21:29:47 GMT -5
All right, people...here's where you get to share your favourite (clean) jokes! Or whatever that is funny! I'll start us off.
There were three candidates for a position as a police officer. They were brought in to the station so the chief could get them to remark on the identifying qualities of a picture of a suspect, which is a profile shot. The chief brings in the first guy, shows him the profile, and asks: "Can you tell me anything about this man?"
The candidate stares at the picture for a long time, and finally responds, "He's only got one ear."
Disgusted, the chief shoves the guy out and gets the next one in to show him the profile shot. "Can you tell me anything about this man?"
The second candidate mulls it over for a long time, scratching his head and tapping his chin before responding: "Yeah...the guy has only one ear."
By this time the chief is really peeved, and shoves the second candidate out. He brings the last one in, shows him the picture, and says, somewhat moodily, "Can you tell me anything about this man?"
The third candidate looks hard at the picture before responding. "He's wearing contacts."
The chief is astounded. "Well...that's right. But how did you know?"
The candidate shrugs. "That's easy. He couldn't be wearing glasses--he's only got one ear."
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Post by BEHIND YOU!!! on Sept 22, 2004 21:58:07 GMT -5
Are blond jokes clean? Or are the blonds here going to take offence if I tell one?
Knock knock Who's there? Hobbit Hobbit who? Hobbit you let me in!
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Cenerue
Agent of Gondor
Wolfie LovercurGender[elf]
Posts: 186
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Post by Cenerue on Sept 23, 2004 13:16:01 GMT -5
Cute! Hey what do you say to a white wizard when you've bumped into him by accident? "Saruman!"
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 25, 2004 12:53:23 GMT -5
Heh heh.
About blonde jokes...I'm going to allow the more decent ones, as long as it's okay with everyone. If you don't want blonde jokes to show up at all, SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE!!
That said, here's another.
President Bush is walking through an airport with a team of his Secret Service guys when he spots an old man with a long frizzy white beard, tattered old robes, and a walking stick standing in the middle of the hall, staring off absently through the wall. Bush walks up to him and says, "Hey there, don't I know you?"
The old man gives no response, doesn't even blink, just keeps staring off into space.
Bush says a bit more loudly: "Excuse me. I think I've seen you somewhere. Aren't you Moses?"
Again, no response of any kind.
One of the Secret Service people comes up and says, "Listen, buddy, this is the President. When he asks you a question, you answer it."
Moses looks at the Secret Service guy. "Well, the last time I talked to a bush, I had to wander the desert for forty years."
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Post by Master Warious on Sept 29, 2004 14:20:01 GMT -5
*snrk* I've heard that one before...except that I'm voting for him in two months...Heres one of the ones my dad sent me.
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 29, 2004 16:06:40 GMT -5
Heehee. That's a good one.
A piece of string walked into a bar one day. The bartender took one look at it and said, "We don't serve strings here."
The string shrugged somehow and left. When it got home, it tied itself into a knot and frayed one end, as if it was making hair or something as a disguise.
With this brilliant deception, the string came back to the bar the next day. The bartender saw it and said, "Hey, aren't you that string that came in here the other day?"
The string replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
(say that last line out loud for your convenience at normal talking speed)
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Oct 7, 2004 0:49:33 GMT -5
*rolls eyes, and groans* The following jokes are taken from www.theplainsofrohan.com. Nice site. Why does Sauron like the name Frodo Baggins? He thought it had a nice "ring" to it. * * * Why can't Frodo ever get married? Because he destroyed the ring. * * * Why are Hobbit doors round? If you ate 9 meals a day you'd have round doors too! * * * What do you call an elf with no legs? Leg-o-less * * * What do you call an Uruk-Hai that is laying down? An "Uruk-Low" * * * Erm... Anakin? *cough, cough* Never mind that... look at the picture link there. I thought Anakin... heh... theplainsofrohan.home.comcast.net/lotr_h7.jpg
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Post by sblomietheinsane on Oct 28, 2004 15:59:30 GMT -5
Two blondes see a pair of tracks, and start arguing over what type they are. One says deer, the other rabbit. While they're arguing, a train runs them over.
HAHA! Love the Bush one!
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Post by The Emperor Reborn on Oct 28, 2004 21:34:05 GMT -5
Hee-Hee Okay heres one of my favorite blond jokes. Three blonds and a brunette are hanging over a river full of alligators.The brunette says she'll risk her life to save the blonds and the blonds start clapping! Hee Hee
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Post by Forca the returning on Oct 31, 2004 15:32:17 GMT -5
Ok, I know this one is kinda cheap, but it's one of my favorites!
Three men walk into a building...you'd've thought at least one of them would've seen it!
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Oct 31, 2004 17:38:18 GMT -5
(curls up in a corner and dies of the lameness) AUGH!! HEEHEEHEE!!
There's a blonde walking along a wide rushing river, trying to find a way across, when she spots another blonde on the other side. She yells across: "Hey! How did you get to the other side?"
The other blonde thinks about this for a moment, then responds: "But you ARE on the other side!"
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KellGirl13
Agent of Gondor
"As Mr. Ed always said, may the horse be with you."--Relient K
Posts: 108
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Post by KellGirl13 on Nov 1, 2004 18:09:24 GMT -5
Frodo and Sam are in Lothlorien at night, just about to go to sleep. Suddenly, Frodo turns to Sam and says- "Sam, look up. What do you see?"
Sam thinks for a moment, then turns to Frodo and says- "Master, I see the stars in the heavens. They seem to be a never-ending map of heavens. They are infinite, shrouded in mystery, beautiful and amazing to behold, and far too complex for a young hobbit such as myself to fully comprehend.
And Frodo replies- "Sam, you fool, someone stole our tent!!
~~
Gimli walked into a bar and sat down next to an elf. He proudly introduced himself - "I'm Gimli. I have the eyes of an eagle and the ears of a fox!
The elf bought him an ale and they had a nice chat. After a while the elf got a bit drunk and decided to leave.
"It was interesting to get to know you, dwarf" - he said. "You really live up to that name of yours.." Gimli felt quite good hearing that. As the elf wabbled out Gimli could hear him laugh to himself.- "Gilmore. I have the brain of a seagull and the tail of a fox in my face... Must remember that!"
~~
One day Grima Wormtongue is walking along the road when he trips on a rock. He kicks it, and out pops a powerful Maia from the First Age!
The Maia says to him, "I will grant you three wishes, but choose wisely." Grima thinks for a second and says, "I wish to be the richest being alive." The Maia nods, and suddenly he is surrounded by heaps of jewels and gold and silver.
Grima smiles a wicked smile and says, " I wish to be the wisest being in the world." The Maia nods and gifts him with lore greater then Saruman.
Then Grima says, "Finally, I wish to be totally irresistible to women." And the Maia turns him into Legolas.
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Nov 2, 2004 14:38:58 GMT -5
Okay, here's one I love to taunt people with. See if you can figure it out.
"King Ozymandias is long gone. Take three steps towards the site of his grave. The first stands for thinking, The second lies above your thoughts, And the third is always coming but never here. Now tell me, Why was the king buried in a copper coffin?"
There you go. Not funny, but I'll bet you won't figure it out.
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KellGirl13
Agent of Gondor
"As Mr. Ed always said, may the horse be with you."--Relient K
Posts: 108
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Post by KellGirl13 on Nov 2, 2004 15:12:09 GMT -5
I have no idea about that one, lol...oh well, I'm not good with riddles anyway.
Merry and Pippin are at night-camp. Merry comes back from the dark forest and finds Pippin tied up to a tree. A bunch of orcs are sitting by the fire.
Merry stops- "Pip, what the mushrooms is going on here? All I said was that I'll be right back, stay tight, clean and pile our plates and forks..."
Pippin looks up, quite happy and answers- "OH! That's it! I thought you said I'll be right back, meanwhile invite our mates the orcs..."
~~
An orc captain was marching his entire army to attack Rivendell, they were passing an old abandoned city when they heard a voice within the ancient city's walls:
"One Elf is better than ten orc soldiers!"
The captain was enraged and immediately sent ten of his best troops over the walls while the remainder of the company waited outside. Then came the sound of a terrific fight going on, soon all was quiet. Then the voice spoke again:
"One Elven soldier is better than a hundred orc soldiers!"
Well, the captain sent hundred of his best men over the walls. Soon came the sounds of fight and then silence. The voice spoke up again:
"One Elven soldier is better than a thousand orc soldiers!"
The captain was furious. He immediately sent the remainder of his troops over the walls save only himself. There came the sound of a fierce battle, and then silence followed by the sound of an elf laughing. Finally, one lone orc stumbled back from the battle and collapsed at the captains feet. "Speak! What happened?" asked the captain.
The soldier replied with his last breath. "It....was..a trap..there's...TWO...of...them..."
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Aayla Secura
Sithly Elf
Darn these glitched clones! They're not easy to keep in line, I can tell you!
Posts: 35
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Post by Aayla Secura on Nov 2, 2004 17:44:18 GMT -5
*once again does not feel like signing off her alias*
Master save me! *is dying of laughter*
OK, here's another lame one...my brother came up with this one!
What does Jango say when he's showing off? Do you want the answer?
Maeg, I don't understand your joke...riddle...thing...
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KellGirl13
Agent of Gondor
"As Mr. Ed always said, may the horse be with you."--Relient K
Posts: 108
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Post by KellGirl13 on Nov 2, 2004 18:12:33 GMT -5
What does Jango say when he's showing off? Do you want the answer? Yeah, what's the answer?
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Post by Forca the returning on Nov 4, 2004 16:50:00 GMT -5
Are you ready for the lameness? OK, here's the answer:
What does Jango say when he's showing off? FETT YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
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KellGirl13
Agent of Gondor
"As Mr. Ed always said, may the horse be with you."--Relient K
Posts: 108
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Post by KellGirl13 on Nov 4, 2004 17:27:07 GMT -5
Oh my gosh, that is [glow=red,2,300]soooooo[/glow] LAME!!!! hahahaa, thanks for sharing it anyway, lol.
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Nov 5, 2004 11:01:03 GMT -5
Okay, here's the answer. No, it wasn't Middle-earth related, but I think it's a cool riddle.
"The king is long gone. Take three steps to the site of his grave. The first stands for thinking, The second lies above your thoughts, And the third is something that is always coming but is never here. Now tell me, why was the king buried in a copper coffin?"
The answer: BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD. Hee hee.
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KellGirl13
Agent of Gondor
"As Mr. Ed always said, may the horse be with you."--Relient K
Posts: 108
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Post by KellGirl13 on Nov 5, 2004 14:09:13 GMT -5
Hahaha. Very funny.
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