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Post by Joan Omnipresent on Oct 4, 2005 21:27:24 GMT -5
5) 42
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Oct 16, 2005 1:41:55 GMT -5
(sighs)
Forgive me for this one. I'm really not rasist...
A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". A little later the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for the pot and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
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Member 200
Padawan Learner
NZNZNZNZNZNZNZNZNZNZ... I've been rolling in my sleep.
Posts: 6
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Post by Member 200 on Oct 19, 2005 3:11:13 GMT -5
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than there are casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by a chip monk.
NZNZNZNZNZNZNZNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... (i need sleep badly) (so badly that i'm not capsing my i's...)
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Post by bob on Oct 19, 2005 21:30:10 GMT -5
Whee haha. ur jokes and stuff are fnny haha.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Oct 27, 2005 20:49:36 GMT -5
(crings) What? I LIKE blond jokes...
The Rooster
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh...
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Oct 28, 2005 15:44:56 GMT -5
(cackles) Oh, yes...I like that one.
What's the difference between a Mennonite and a canoe?
...Canoes tip.
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Post by Morgana Le Fay on Oct 29, 2005 15:00:58 GMT -5
LOL, I love Eowyn's.
Blonde joke:
A blonde wearing headphones went for a walk with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend: Take those off, I want to talk to you.
Blonde: I can't. I'll die.
Later.... The blonde is still wearing the headphones. The boyfriend is definitely not happy now.
The boyfriend: Take those off, I want to talk to you.
Blonde: I can't. I'll die.
So, he rips the headphones off.
She dies.
He puts the headphone to his ear and hears....
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 14, 2005 12:08:04 GMT -5
Testing your sanity...
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub." 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
**
You are not required to say how well you did on this test.
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Post by Skye Muad'Dib on Nov 14, 2005 21:50:07 GMT -5
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies! *dies laughing*
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 24, 2005 16:07:07 GMT -5
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! (scroll down) First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you? Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .....Maybe. Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He just has to open his mouth and ask.. It's really very simple.... KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
I got two right. XP I know, I know... sigh. But you've gotta love the FWDs, sometimes.
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Post by Ali Blue on Nov 24, 2005 22:45:10 GMT -5
I got the first two wrong... *sniffs*
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Post by Morgana Le Fay on Nov 26, 2005 15:16:00 GMT -5
I love those. They work well, especially if you say them very quickly.
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Post by Callista on Nov 27, 2005 1:23:27 GMT -5
they make me feel stupid.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 9, 2005 5:10:01 GMT -5
(grins) Prepare to be in much pain...
So, you see, if there were five of me, and we had one thumbtack, and we shared it all amongst us, do you know what that would be?
(Shut up Jandalf, Forca, Adrienne and others who I threw this at!! I know this is horrid...)
A tack of the clones.
You may die/groan horribly/throw tomatos at will.
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Post by godric on Dec 11, 2005 19:06:18 GMT -5
Throws rotten tomatoes while groaning.
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Post by Caffeinerush on Dec 11, 2005 20:38:24 GMT -5
*bangs head on desk whilst groaning*b n nbb bnhb nhgb gnhg
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 15, 2005 3:06:53 GMT -5
(bashes head against wall while groaning likewise) Sheesh. You groan at me and then throw something equally horrible back... hmm... need to find another horrible joke to post.
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Post by Foral McDerson Windu DOOM! on Dec 15, 2005 12:03:36 GMT -5
*Dies from the clone jock* Ack! I can't believe I didn't get it! OK, I got this from...I think it was ED, or maybe Warious...Whoever it was, here it is:
A guy sent tne puns to his friends to see if they would make them laugh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Pun In Ten Did.
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Post by Chelsegorn on Dec 23, 2005 1:12:58 GMT -5
Ooooh, you baaaaad. *grins*
BLOND JOKE ALLERT!!!
There was a blond driving in her car and she sees police lights flashing in the rear-view mirror. She pulls over and a female officer gets out of the car who is also blond.
The officer walks up to her window and says, "Can I see you're license please?"
The blond grabs her purse and starts rummaging through it. She looks and looks and finally turns to the police officer.
"What does it look like?" she asks.
"It's small, rectangular and has your picture on it." was the reply.
"Oooooh!" the blond began rummaging again and eventually produced her makeup mirror which she triumphantly handed over to the police officer.
The officer took it, looked at it and handed it back looking shocked saying, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a cop!"
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Post by Ali Blue on Dec 24, 2005 18:05:25 GMT -5
lol!!!! that's hilarious!!!! *cackles* I'm so hyped on holiday spirit..
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