|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Dec 26, 2005 23:02:31 GMT -5
(dies at the horrid, horrid puns present)
Ooh! I heard one very similar to that...except it was Hitler instead of generals. And then this one followed:
How does Hitler tie his shoesies?
In little Nazis.
|
|
|
Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 31, 2005 2:31:58 GMT -5
...that's almost worthy of a one word post declaring "ow".
WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "By t'underin, I think Bud is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard. Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"
No offence meant.
|
|
|
Post by Empress Adrienne Gollumeyessss on Jan 7, 2006 16:06:05 GMT -5
*whacks head on monitor* That. is. evil. ... and amusing ... erg.... Darth Aragorn laughed his head off... Anyways.. DA wants me to post one of his jokes... *prepares to type his dictation...* A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are prisoners of war and they're going to get executed. The brunette goes first and says to the enemy soldiers lined up to shoot her, "Ready. Aim. ...TORNADO!!" She points behind them, they all look, and she gets away. Obviously, their Sergent wasn't very happy about that... Next the redhead steps up to be executed. So she says, "Ready. Aim. HURRICANE!" So she points behind them, they look, and she gets away. Now the Sergent is hopping mad and the soldiers need to make up for their mistakes with the blonde. So the blonde steps up to be executed and says, "Ready. Aim. FIRE!!!" Heh... yeah... That's DA's joke... I claim no responsibility for it.... And now he wants me to tell another joke. Erg... A blonde is enrolls in the army. So during her first battle she gets in the trench and she picks up her grenade and throws it at the enemy. ... The enemy picks it up, pulls the pin and throws it back... Erg... No offense blond(e) peoples!
|
|
|
Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 26, 2006 22:33:25 GMT -5
Oh, the pain...
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, you can't expect me to work in the dark!"
I do not recommend that Jandalf attempts this.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 27, 2006 21:45:45 GMT -5
(dies)
That's the same joke my former manager told at the Christmas banquet.
It makes me want to try it.
|
|
|
Post by Tiana, eh? on Feb 10, 2006 2:12:27 GMT -5
(dies horribly, painfully, and in uttermost pain)
Ow...
Oh, now I need one. Heh heh.
Probably a son-in-law wrote that... heh heh.
|
|
|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on Feb 10, 2006 9:32:39 GMT -5
I've seen those.... LOL These are great stuff.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Feb 10, 2006 22:53:09 GMT -5
Awesome...
(cackles) That's my favourite.
|
|
|
Post by Tiana, eh? on Jun 20, 2006 0:47:07 GMT -5
I would like to ressurect this thread... with a really bad joke. (clutches at head)
The introduction to the page I got this from read "If you're a masochist, read these jokes. If you're a sadist, tell these jokes".
They didn't lie.
There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"
"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."
|
|
|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on Jun 20, 2006 8:41:24 GMT -5
Ow. ow. ow. ow. That was shockingly good.
|
|
|
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jun 20, 2006 11:37:24 GMT -5
Ow, it hurrrrrts...
I've already passed this one on to Tiana...it's a favourite of mine:
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Oh NO!" screamed the lawyer. "WHERE'S MY ROLEX?!"
|
|
|
Post by Absolon on Jun 24, 2006 12:52:41 GMT -5
...that's almost worthy of a one word post declaring "ow". WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICSJoe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "By t'underin, I think Bud is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard. Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?" I heard that, only it was applied to Mandalorians. Why should you never let a soprano house-sit? Because she won't know when to come in, and she can't find the key. *before booing starts* This can be applied to all manner of singers, and I only choose Sopranos because Maskerade is fresh in my mind. I have nothing against sopranos.
|
|
|
Post by Morgana Le Fay on Jun 24, 2006 12:57:55 GMT -5
Applied to Mandolorians? Boy, that's evil. I heard that one applied to both lawyers and rednecks.
Heh, I hate sopranos... That is a good one, Absolon.
|
|