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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 13, 2005 15:34:03 GMT -5
Ugh. Disregard previous post. This is what happens when I drug myself silly: things start surfacing that shouldn't ever be allowed to. No, they should be. Locking them away just lets your mind take them out of proportian. I do know how you feel with those rants. And it's going to become soo much worse once I end up with a job. (grimaces) I'm already on horribly low strings. And... I know what you mean about feeling like a stranger. I feel like a stranger on MEI so often, and the only reason I haven't completely withdrawn is because it's my site, my job... I still may end up leaving moreless permanently. I still try to be online so you have someone to talk to (I'm assuming you like talking to me over I'm or you'd quit it, whatwith reality being so horrid lately), but life's, annoyingly, like that. Besides, Nanowrimo takes a lot out of people. We'll miss you, certainly as not, if you end up leaving. But we'll get over it... I hope. (grins dryly) Cute word, by the way... wexy! HAHAHA... (oddly amused) You should use that one... long... word one time. The beautiful word.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Nov 15, 2005 12:28:26 GMT -5
Nah, what I meant with that post applied to a lot more than was shown on the journal entry. A lot. And it really shouldn't ever come out.
Long beautiful word? I'll have to look back...can't remember what I had. Heh.
ENTRY TWENTY-THREE
Well, during a bout of IMing with Tiana, I did a bit of self-analysing. Again, yes. I've been focusing far too much on worry over the past half year, and it's time for that to come to an end.
I've had a long-lasting desire to become a psychiatrist, you know. Graphic design is still first priority for me, but I've always wanted to know how people think, why they do the things they do, and most importantly, what can be done to help the ones who are struggling. The truth is, as much as I would love to help, I don't know squat about psychiatry. Oh, the courses I would take if I had the time and money...but I always say that. Heh.
The thing is (that I've noticed, at any rate), many people who are approached for help or advice don't tend to try to understand the other's situation, and sometimes even brush it off as though it's nothing at all. It's true that sometimes the one who's looking for help with something doesn't really need any help at all, but is only seeking after attention. Kind of like a row of panhandlers where a few are actually fairly well-off middle-class people who dress themselves in rags for some extra cash. I have a feeling most of us are guilty of this with something or other, and it's a behaviour I want to avoid.
But before I ramble off on that tangent: I want to understand. I want to look into the problem and try to help. Problems are never funny, nor are they to be made light of. They are to be faced and recognised, and then either dealt with appropriately or dropped. Why? Because they're worthless to hang onto. Problems so very often begin as small things that blow themselves way out of proportion and manage to convince us that they are going to throttle us alive if we don't do something drastic. Then we do something drastic, and our attempt at solving the problem can often wing us way off in the other direction because we take our solution too far. We end up with a problem that we never would have had in the first place, because it's self-inflicted...and then what do we do to solve that one? We overcompensate in the other direction. Once I figured this out as a solid explanation, I saw that this problem-chain is a problem in itself that has spread around everywhere, because people will often automatically accept that once they see a problem with themselves, they must fix it at all costs.
Problems are simply distractions to the truth of things. They don't have to be huge and engulfing; they are only when we make them that way. For me, as well as many others I know, the one real purpose in life is to draw closer to and follow after God. Problems don't have to get in the way. Some of them can be swatted away like flies by us ourselves once we have his help in discerning their nature, and the rest will be just as easily flicked off by God.
I've been focusing on solving my problems so much that I've been making more of them for myself. I have been told so many times to simply rest in God, and here I go trying and working myself sick at it again.
MEMO TO SELF: STOP IT. SIT DOWN. TAKE A BREAK, AND REST. IT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.
Just because I'm leaving things to God doesn't mean I should feel useless. Rather the contrary; I learn how to lay things down for myself, as well as others, should other people share their pain with me.
Which is what I've decided to offer. If you've got something you just need to get off your chest, go right ahead and PM me about it. I can't promise I'll be able to come up with good advice about it, but I know that sometimes all it takes to feel better about something is the knowledge that someone is listening. If you don't want me to reply to it, just mark it "No Reply" or something, and if you do, I'll try my best to offer what I can in the way of comfort. If you want advice, remember that I'm an untrained eighteen-year-old, not to mention human besides, but I like to think that I might be able to help a little. I promise you you'll have absolute confidence with me, and that I won't mention it to a soul. One thing I know I'm good at is keeping secrets.
So there you have it. Now I feel better. Heh heh.
WoC: judder, which is a strong vibration in an aircraft.
A judder-like shudder through turbulence. Wheee!!!
...Well, screw that. It's time to make some Kraft Dinner. W00t!
Jandalf out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 21, 2005 3:21:57 GMT -5
The stupidly weird word... whatever it was... when you had Elachi attempting to flirt with Ariane and failing utterly and completely. And trust me. Somethings, no matter how stupid, DO need to come out. Just because you're MEI's shrink doesn't mean you shouldn't ever rant at real people. Yeah, perhaps not on journal entries, certainly, but some stuff should come out, or it just eggs away inside... And as nice as it is to be able to confide in you, there are some things I just couldn't tell you. (dry expression) I have some level of sanity that must be kept, because some things just can't be said without loosing it to the good ol' "EVERYONE'LL THINK I'M STUPID!" track. Heh. But you are quite useful to blather/confide in, really... even if you'll never completely understand why my emotions are so blasted confusing. Judder... Where DO you get the words anyway?
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Nov 21, 2005 3:40:30 GMT -5
Phrontistery.info, the place of luvverly words!
Yay!
(tries to think of stupidly weird word but can't remember)
Heh... Mostly what I meant for the bit about not letting some things out is due to the fact that my brain will often come up with things it shouldn't, and that those things should not be let out because they could be potentionally hazardous to the health of those around me, and not only myself.
ENTRY...um...TWENTY-THREE, DAG NAB IT
Right. I'm almost caught up for the word count for today. Just popping off an entry before I head off to bed.
I wanted to record the thingie that happened to me a few nights ago...around Wednesday or Thursday night of last week, I think it was.
I was lying in bed, actually asleep. This was on a night where I was on morning shifts, so I had headed in at about 9:00, as anything later is generally suicidal for me when I have to get up at 4:30...
WHICHIDON'THAVETOANYMOREBECAUSEIGOTTHEGRAPHICDESIGNJOB!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!
Anyway. I was sleeping earlier than is usual for the other members of my family. Maybe my fogged brain knew this. Or maybe it wasn't my brain. I'm still not sure.
I was asleep, I'm fairly certain of that, when the feeling first came. I got the impression that Mom was walking into my room, holding the bird cage for some odd reason. The boys never sleep in my room. They're too noisy, and they'll chirp whenever they feel like it, sometimes even when they're covered for the night. So here she was, or so I thought, coming into the room with the cage, whispering my name over and over again.
I don't know how to explain this, but my name was being whispered without it actually being the name that people use for me from day to day, that my parents gave me. Almost as if I have some sort of other, spiritual name that has no means of being spoken the way we speak. But it was being whispered in this sibilant sort of hiss, and I recognised it, and said (in my mistaken belief), "Mom? Mom?"
I think the sound of my own voice woke me up, because I came to, hearing myself saying, "Mom?" and wondering what the heck she was doing in my room with the bird cage...
I know I was awake at this point. I know it absolutely. The door was shut, and there was no way Mom would have been able to walk through it (especially not bearing the cage). I didn't see the figure there. But I felt it. It was almost like it was negative space, this black human-shaped form standing there, holding something. I'm still not sure what it was holding. But it was still whispering my name, though the sound of it wasn't in my ears but my mind. The whispering gradually faded as I came more fully awake, but the feeling of that thing remained.
Well, I knew what to do. I'd been coached on this sort of thing since I was able to understand the concept of nasty things, and I've used it on many occasions to measures of success, as well. All I needed to do was tell the thing to get out in Jesus' name. I didn't need its interference. I was trying to get some sleep, dang it all!
It left.
And this time, my fear left with it.
I went back to sleep. Bloody annoying things. Can't they ever realise that with God on my side, they can't do so much as give me a split end?
WoC: xenisation, which is the act of travelling as a stranger.
Someday I shall travel the world in xenisation!
Jandalf out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Nov 21, 2005 3:51:21 GMT -5
Is that pointed? (sighs) Look, I need to do that once in a while or else it gets to me... I can't help that I assume things to the extent that I do! Honest. I do TRY, and if you really don't want me ranting at you, you could just tell me to shut up.
That has got to be one of the most blasted hysterical things I've read from this journal... heh... I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have trouble completely having faith in that statement myself (ei: do not sleep that well all the time because of ph34rs), or maybe it's just because of how you phrased it. Because it really is true in most cases... but it's still so amusing to think about all the assumptions us human beings make. Never opening our eyes to see that it's not US!!
It's also amusing me because it reminds me of my Sunday School lesson, and things that give the deja vu feeling amuse me...
And because I'm tired and afraid to go to sleep now. Meh.
Good night! And stuff. Hope you sleep/slept well. Whew.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Nov 27, 2005 15:20:22 GMT -5
Nope, not pointed. Just general...heh. ENTRY TWENTY-FOURPWNed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 YARR!! JANDALF IS EXUBERANT!!! And not only did I win, but Tiana did as well! DOUBLE SCORE!!! Now I have a looooot of catching up to do...not to mention actually finishing the novel...whenever the rest of my chapters end up being posted on my bloggie...heh. ...Gah! My main resource of obscure words has vanished! Must find new site... WoC: misodoctakleidist, which is someone who hates practicing the piano. ...That used to be me! Now, I'm not so sure. I haven't actually practiced for about a year and a half. Yay for the guitar! Jandalf out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 9, 2005 4:22:13 GMT -5
(is weirdly amused)
So I am misodoctakleidistphobic! (head blows up) No, not really...
And yes! I winneded! Snrkness. Must finish novel. Must make a coherent post concerning Nano in my journal too...
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Dec 24, 2005 19:36:07 GMT -5
Heh heh heh...binding the printed version costs way too much at work...I'm going to have to talk to them about bringing the price down... (dies)
ENTRY THE WHATEVERETH
Yeah...I don't really feel like following my standard journal-template today, so I just won't. Heh. No Word of Contemplation. Not even a proper number.
Jandalf has a brief little story. Nothing too exciting. Probably nothing relevant. But since this is my journal, I guess I'll write about whatever comes to mind. ;D
All through high school, Jandalf had decided she would avoid getting romantically attached. Many of her older friends who had already graduated, including her cousin, said that getting boyfriends was a nice idea but too often interfered with schoolwork and other things that took higher priority at the time. Therefore, Jandalf made the decision to put off that sort of thing until she was out of school. Now she wonders: did the guys generally not feel like asking her out anyway, or did they have the idea that she had made such a decision?
She had always thought the former was true. She is a self-acclaimed geek, after all, and was never the popular sort at all (nor did she want to be), so now that a guy belonging to the crowd that, in high school, was one of the least similar to her own has expressed interest in getting to know her, she's a bit...well, perhaps not confused, but a little taken aback, to say the least.
First Jandalf will hope to make the idea fairly clear to him that she'll want to get to know him as a friend first. Then she'll make up her mind from there. She's never done this sort of thing before, but she has a relatively certain feeling that it would take a fair amount of time before she'd actually be dating/courting, if she even got that far with him.
However, one of Jandalf's friends who is good acquaintances with him (and also checked with me before giving him my number, which was rather considerate) says he's a very nice sort of guy. Also, Jandalf's mom and his mom are friends, not to mention co-workers. Small world, anyway.
Okay, so maybe Jandalf is a bit confused. Unfamiliar territory, after all. We'll see what happens, and how she deals with things. And if this turns out to be nothing at all (which she strongly suspects), at least she will have made a new friend in the process.
Phew. Things come out so much more easily when talking in third-person.
Anyway. Today is Christmas Eve (duh...Jandalf is so smurt). My family's doing the whole stay-at-home, present-and-stocking-and-amazing-supper thing today, as tomorrow is church as well as an extended family gathering.
I've realised yet again that I have a lot to be thankful for, even if things are quite tight financially this year due to several (some of them unpleasant) surprises, as well as Mom's being enrolled in a college course that will hopefully help her to earn more moneys at work once she's through, although her workplace did not offer to pay for the course nearly as much as they should have, which upsets me greatly. Mainly I'm thankful for being born into the family (and country) that I got stuck with. It could be better, but it could also be a lot worse, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. It's far too easy to take it all for granted, which is usually followed by bouts of depression, etc. But I'm thankful for being in this family, because I grew up alongside my beliefs. Without them, I wouldn't know God, and without knowing God, Christmas just wouldn't be...well...Christmas. I don't give a ball of lint for what I do or do not get (though presents are kind of nice). Just to have this sort of day in which nothing's really pressing, where I can stay home and help make supper (and finally get around to wrapping presents) and think back on why we have this holiday is all I want. In that way, I've already had my Christmas.
And I found out that port doesn't taste so bad. Not as bad as most wines, anyway.
Now Jandalf shall try to concoct one of those meaningful-yet-excessively-cliché holiday-type sayings.
I asked God what he wanted for Christmas, and he said "Just you."
Yes...I have a case of the warm & fuzzies. And not because of the sip of port.
Merry Christmas, guys.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 24, 2005 20:39:30 GMT -5
Good for you. At least SOMEONE will have a good Christmas.
I don't want you to get a boyfriend. I mean, not that I wouldn't be happy for you if you did, but love does weird things to people. I already know the feeling of sticking people on stealth for more essential things on I'm... and I'd completely lose contact with you if you ended up with a male friend. I know you've said you wouldn't ignore me, MEI, and all that, but you would. And even if we didn't entirely lose contact over I'm (though I have a strong feeling you'd start avoiding me over there too in favor of chatting with Mr. Hotguy, either over I'm or phone... the latter would implicate that even if we were able to chat you'd spend most of it on the phone with him anyway), we'd still lose contact. I've already been forced to grow up too fast. Now I'm going to lose my best friends.
The weird thing is that I get my better journal comments done in other people's journals. And the annoying thing is that whenever I get on mega PMS/hormone loss depressions, my best friends ignore me.
I'm doubting you're in as horrible financial of a situation as we are. Talk to you Monday. If you're not avoiding me.
IN REPLACEMENT FOR JANDALF'S WORD OF CONTEMPLATION (because how COULD she be so evil as to not give us one?!)
RFJWOC: Bowdlerize - to rewrite in a rough or crude manner.
Sometimes, Tiana has been greatly tempted to bowdlerize some of her horrible fanfictions, just to see if she can make them worse.
PMS-suffering Tiana who felt like giving a WOC out anyway because Jandalf isn't acting herself, clearly from confustication, out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Dec 25, 2005 0:19:35 GMT -5
Double posting to appologize for most of the above post. Sorry. PMS overtook my brain. (hugs everyone) Merry Christmas.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Dec 28, 2005 23:18:58 GMT -5
(hugs back) Thanks for finding the word. Heh heh.
ENTRY THE WHATEVERETH: TAKE TWO
Hmmm, blah blah blah.
It's raining. It isn't supposed to be raining. It's supposed to do this sort of thing in BC at this time of year, not here in the Red River Deep Freeze. Er, Valley. And we're supposed to be taking the trip into the Peg tomorrow. Hmmmmmmmm. Hopefully there shall be a lack of freezing rain plastered all over the highways.
Yesterday there was much amusement at work. A nice older lady came in with what was presumably a large sort of book wrapped up inside a bag and put it on the counter. My coworker, whom we shall call M, went to help her. The nice older lady said that she had ordered in a book through us for her grownup son's Christmas present, and also said that she supposed she had gotten the order mixed up; the book that had come in had had the same title as the book her son had wanted, although it was not the correct book. Might Jandalf also note the nice old lady had had a sort of partially amused, partially bewildered look on her face.
M opened up the bag to take a look, said, "Oh, THAT book..." and closed the bag up again before I could see what was inside. She did the return transaction, and out of curiosity I asked her what the book was when the nice older lady was gone. She showed me, and I understood quite quickly how she had remembered the book so vividly over all the other ones that had come through.
Apparently, the lady's son had wanted a fictional novel called "Expose". He opened up his present on Christmas and found there was instead a photography collection called "Xpose". Oh, the pain...we were laughing about it for hours...
I've got to reschedule my doctor's appointment for the third time after forgetting about it/not being able to attend AGAIN. Phnargh. That takes up the better part of a year.
(sings) FROM THE FIREFLY...A RED-ORANGE GLOW...SEE THE FACE OF FEAR, RUNNING SCARED THROUGH THE VALLEY BELOW...
[/Bullet the Blue Sky by U2]
I want feta cheese.
WoC: rhytiphobia, which is the fear of getting wrinkles.
Palps hath not rhytiphobia.
GOOD NIGHT!
Jandalf out.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 1, 2006 21:29:32 GMT -5
ENTRY THE TWENTY-SEVENTHJANDALF GOT AN EGGIE!! Well, you know, especially since it's hatching on my birthday and everything...I couldn't resist. 'Sides, they're so cuuuuute! ...WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!?!? (clings to egg) SAVE ME, EGGIE!!!!!!!!!1 I'm suffering from post-New Year's trauma. That must be it. YAY!! The Phrontistery is back up!! (hugs the Phrontistery) WoC: hystricine, which is of, like, or pertaining to porcupines. Kind of like my bulletin board. Jandalf out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 2, 2006 17:48:28 GMT -5
Jandalf should not be online while Jandalf is at work. XP.
...Tiana just spent hours killing chickens on RuneScape.
...Tiana needs to rant in her journal about killing virtual chickens before leaving the internet!!
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 2, 2006 19:04:26 GMT -5
LOLZ!!! ENTRY THE TWENTY-NEXT-THJandalf is currently taking another wee snippet of her chopped-up-and-scattered legal 15-minute break. Posting partly for opinions. I still don't like the nose (after a couple of hours of deliberating yesterday...ARGH, THIS KID IS ANNOYING), but I'm dubious about redoing it. What think ye? Anyone? Is it worth my time to do it over, or should I leave it and just finish up the rest of the details such as the hat, the side of the face, and possibly the hands? Don't ask about the right eye. It's a lost cause. WoC: apanthropinization, which is withdrawal from human concerns or the human world. How I wish. Jandalf out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 2, 2006 19:19:26 GMT -5
*edited*
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 6, 2006 0:14:29 GMT -5
Next time you've got something like that to say, it would be good if you PMed me about it rather than posted it in my journal. Sorry about the misunderstanding. It might be better if I just stopped posting pictures.
ENTRY THE TWENTY-NINTH
When people say ornery old man...now I really do know what they mean. Wow. I had no idea they really could get that ornery. Especially when they're told the company doesn't accept personal cheques unless a trust account's been set up.
I need coffee.
Recipe for Joan (and for anyone else who would like):
ONE OF THE BEST CAKES IN THE WORLD (Chocolate Pudding Cake)
1 cup flour 3/4 cup sugar (can substitute in brown sugar as desired for taste) 3 tbsp. cocoa 2 tsp. baking powder 1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 cup milk 2 tbsp. oil 1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup brown sugar 1/4 cup cocoa 1 3/4 cups hot water
In a 9x9x2" pan, stir together: flour, white sugar, 2 tablespoons cocoa, baking powder and salt. Mix in milk, oil, and vanilla until smooth. Spread evenly in pan. Mix brown sugar, 1/4 cup cocoa, and hot water, then pour over batter. Bake anywhere from 30-40 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit (depends on oven).
Yum yum yummers.
WoC: rupography, which is the art of taking impressions of coins or medals in sealing wax.
Howzat instead of collecting stamps, eh?
Jandalf out.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 6, 2006 1:34:44 GMT -5
Appologies. I'd one word post as just that, but I think I'm slightly annoyed at you now. MEI allows free speech, or at least I believed it did, and you have the ability to edit and remove posts. I posted that in all honesty. The image looked fine. I simply felt that there would be no issue in my posting that your continual rubbing your images down when you know you're better than me and all the rest of MEI at drawing doesn't help our ego.
EDIT:
I removed my previous post. Be proud of yourself. You're the only person I would've removed a post for. And one-word posted it at that. But it wasn't a misunderstanding, I was being honest, even if it was partly hormone induced.
If you're going to let a silly post stop you from posting your images, that's up to you.
YOU ARE YOUR WORST CRITIC.
If you continually snub yourself and question your ability to do it, you're limiting yourself. If you let an internet friend effect your desire to post up things, go ahead. I just don't need stupidness breaking apart our friendship. Which is why the post got edited.
As I said. Be proud of yourself. No one else would've made me edit a post.
But I won't PM things like that. It's best if they're out in the open where they won't fireball as badly. PMing them is flaming. I'd post them on YC instead, but you don't check there often enough as it is.
But I do wish you'd tell me my drawing and writing stunk. Then I could stop reacting like this if someone would just give me an honest opinion for once in my life.
If this post also offends you to the degree of the last one, feel free to edit and remove it.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 6, 2006 4:34:32 GMT -5
Double posting because I'm too lazy to edit. Jandalf may delete at will.
Appologies for ranting at you in above posts/etc. I ranted in my own journal, got most of the moodiness out... note that most... and, you know, you do these posts at about the same time your chatting with me. If you're annoyed, please consider bringing them up in I'm rather than getting me mad enough to post more than once. I know we're more likely to blow out that way, and that's why I bring things up over your journal. It's not like they're actively read.
I think I'll just stop reading your journal, or at least posting in it. I only serve to irritate you and you don't even seem to notice that you do hurt my feelings too. I'm only hoping that as this isn't a direct arguement that it won't blow out of proportion.
You may delete/edit my posts.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 6, 2006 18:45:24 GMT -5
Appologies once more for the previous posting. You're not allowed to get mad at me until I send you your birthday gift, okay?
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 7, 2006 20:22:16 GMT -5
We did really well over the course of the last two days, methinks... I will anticipate the moment it settles into the mailbox! ...It can't fit in that tiny post box. Oh, well...the parcel card, then! THIRTIETH OF THE ENTRIESPopping in quick postie before family arrives. 3vil, 3vil Ira...bwaaaaaaaaa. Anyways. WHY DOES MY EGGIE NOT HATCH? It lied to me! (threatens egg with hammer) If you don't hatch by the time I post this... Oh, yes. I've been 19 for...45 minutes now. As of 6:32 I was technically a year older...either that, or 6:38. Mom was sure it was one of the two. And my brain was doing weird things today. Why, oh why must I have music in my head that I can't make myself? All I could come up with to get it out for now were some lyrics and chording... I know what it means, but sure as death & taxes I don't know how to put it down into words other than that. Kind of like a lot of the lyrical stuff I write for myself. Except most of it ends up lost, so I wouldn't really be able to tell... I got Rogue Planet and a wireless optical mouse for me birthday. W00t! It'll work with my Mac laptop (once I actually get one of the things)! Until then, it shall be plugged into this merciless beast of a machine. I'm considering naming the mouse, but I'm not sure what to call it yet. I'm thinking I'd name it after a famous explorer, but I already reserved Ferdinand de Magellan for the African Gray that I'd like to have sometime in the future, and I don't want to use Columbus, as that is the first most obvious choice... It responds really well, though. I had to slow its speed all the way down so the cursor wouldn't rocket across my screen at the slightest touch. I'm slooooooowwwwly working my way up the technology ladder, anyway... WoC: gar, which is a mild oath. Hatch already, eggie! Gar!! Jandalf out.
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