Jandalf's Treasure Island

[Chelsegorn]

Caution:

This is a spoof. It may be dangerous to your health if you have a heart condition, are pregnant or have no sense of humor.

Remember: It will not be funny if you are sane. It will be more funny the more sleep deprived you are.

Apologies: To any vegetarians. I think it's excellent that you choose to live the way you live and admirable that you are able to stick with it. My spoof friends and I have not chosen this lifestyle and see things differently. No offense meant.

Let me take you back to a day when insanity rained in a stairwell. Three unwitting and mostly sane girls decided to have lunch there. There were many spoofs written, this is only one of them.

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Enjoy! ;D

[Chelsegorn]

Jandalf's Treasure Island

Once upon a time there was a girl by the name of Jandalf. Though she appeared to be only 18 there was something different about her. Everyone who had even seen her noted something at the very least, unusual. She was in fact a wizard, but she wasn’t always so. She wasn’t always 18 either, but that is another story. Actually the fact is she isn’t even a teenager, she lost count somewhere in the mid 1700’s as to how old she was. Her friends, Chelsegorn and Lindo are also not as old as they appear, but I digress, Jandalf the Orange came to be in a very peculiar manner. This is her story.

(Serene music, almost elevator type-

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING CHELSEGORN??!!” (Jandalf)

“Hitch hiking?”

“You can’t do that! We’re in the 1500’s!” (Lindo)

“They’ll run you over for being stupid!” (Jandalf)

They were on a filthy, crowded street full of filthy people trying to sell filthy merchandise to other filthy people. Filthy horse drawn carriages rolled past and the filthy peasants were able to catch a glimpse of a clean nobility now and then, flaunting their sanitation to an unsanitary world.

“Remind me again why we’re here?” Chelsegorn asked.

“Hmmmm, let’s think,” Lindo said sarcastically, “The orphanage kicked us out because you kept playing tricks on the head-dude-thingy-what-ever-his-name-was and Jandalf kept trying to fly on her imaginary pony.”

“You did stuff too,” Jandalf reminded her, “Remember that time you ate all the coco and sugar with milk? AND WANTED MORE?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“And the time you went missing for three days and found in Bob’s Bakery with icing smudged cheeks and icing sugar in your hair claiming that you knew the answer to life the universe and everything?”

“It’s 42! I keep telling everyone!”

“AND the time-”

“OKAY, OKAY! I get it.”

“So now what?” Chelsegorn asked.

“Well, I suppose we should get a job.” Jandalf replied.

“Where?” Asked Lindo.

Before she could have an answer a large wrinkly hand landed forcefully on her shoulder.

“So ya want a job do ya?” An evilish, creaky woman’s voice cackled.

“Em…” Lindo stammered and looked over her shoulder into a decrepit wrinkly face that smiled repulsively at her with four rotting teath.

“Do we really need a job that bad?” Chelsegorn whispered to Jandalf.

“I’m afraid so,” She whispered back, then straightening up, said in a loud voice, “Yes, ma’am, we’re looking for work.”

“Lookin’s one thing, can you’s another.” The old woman eyed them suspiciously.

“We can work!” Chelsegorn said a little too cheerfully. “I once took pennies for the pony rides at the orphanage before they threw us out-”

Jandalf stepped on her foot and she stopped. The old woman narrowed her eyes at them.

“We shall see,” She cackled, “We shall see.”

She lead them down the crowded street until she came to a more hygienic part of town. Then she lead them along winding streets until they finally came to a stately inn ironically named “The Prancing Pony”.

“This ‘ere’s my inn.” The woman jabbed a bony finger toward it. “I am Muds” (Chelsegorn fought down a giggle) “and if you three are going to work here, you’re going to work hard.”

She turned to Jandalf, “You. You get to do windows.”
Lindo smirked. Muds rounded on her. “You get janitorial duty.”

“Awwwwww!” Lindo wined. Muds turned to go.

“What about HER?!” Lindo wined, pointing at Chelsegorn.

“Yeah! I can do anything you want me to! Anything at all! I can write, but I can’t spell very well. Come to think of it, I can’t write very well either. I can paint roses or iron butterflies. Did you know they need ironing? Someone once told me that if they don’t get their wings ironed, they can’t fly? Did you know that? I think that someone should write a book about all the fascinating stuff in the world and call it “The World’s Most Facinating Stuff”! I have a lot of stuff! Actually I don’t really, all I’ve got is what’s in my pockets. Just lint and a paperclip and another paperclip and a button and some old chewing gum and another paper clip and a bit of egg salad and another paper cli-”

“YOUR job is to shut up.” The woman turned to leave again, hesitated and added, “And do dishes.”

“How many paperclips have I got in here anyway?” Chelsegorn asked as she peered into her pocket.

Jandalf jabbed her, “Shut up Chelsegorn.”

The three followed the old woman into the house to their stations and began to work. And work they did. There were close to a gazillion windows in that inn and by the time Jandalf was finished with the second floor, the first floors windows were dirty again. We wont say much about Lindo’s janitorial duty except that she hated it. And Chelsegorn loved the soapsuds for the first five seconds then immediately got dish-pan hands and hated it.

One evening, well after sunset, Chelsegorn was finishing the same pot for the 152763rd time because every time she cleaned it the cook would take it, use it and she would have to wash it all over again. Just as she put the pot down on the drying rack and a sigh of relief was beginning to well up in her, the cook whisked by and snatched it up again. 2 seconds later, plunk, back in the water. Chelsegorn groaned and shoved her prunie hands back under the water to begin scrubbing again. Jandalf suddenly appeared at the door and dragged herself in, her rag and bucket trailing behind her. She plunked down on a chair and groaned stiffly.

“How’s it been?” Chelsegorn asked tentatively.

“You don’t want to know. You?”

She took her hands out of the dish water and showed them to Jandalf.

“It feels like my skin is melting off.”

She stuck her hands back into the water and continued scrubbing.

“Have you seen Lindo?” Jandalf asked.

“Not since Muds introduced her to out door plumbing.”
Jandalf grimaced. “She wouldn’t.”

“She did.” Chelsegorn said grimly as she rinsed the pot and put it on the drying rack.

“Is that your last dish?” Jandalf asked.

“It has been for the past 5 days.”

“Are you THAT bad of a dish washer?”

The cook suddenly bustled out of the steaming side door, snatched the pot up, turned and glided back into the kitchen.

“YOU COULD AT LEAST USE A DIFFERENT POT!!!” Chelsegorn yelled at her back.

The cook turned. “Better be careful,” She said sweetly, “Or I’ll tell Muds.”

“Sorry Ms. Scrud,” Chelsegorn monotoned.

“That’s better.” She turned and left.

Suddenly a door behind Chelsegorn was forced open so hard it slammed against the cupboards and made the dishes rattle. A grim figure covered in who-know’s-what stood in the doorway.

“Is there anything in that sink?” it asked.

Chelsegorn looked in horror at her and shook her head.

“Thank you.”

The mud covered thing staggered into the room and crawled into the sink (it was rather large). When it came up it looked somewhat like Lindo. At least, the other two in the kitchen could only assume it was Lindo as her hair was matted and she had dirt all over her face, aside from that it looked like she had been swimming in sludge for a few days.

The cook burst out of the kitchen and handed Chelsegorn the dirty pot.

“Hmm,” She paused and looked at Lindo in the sink. “The pot isn’t that dirty just rinse it off a bit and go to bed.”

Chelsegorn looked as though she could sing, but decided that based on previous experiences, she had better not. She merely took the pot and poured water over it from a bucket with clean water then, setting it aside, plopped down beside Jandalf with a weary sigh.

“I hate my life,” came from Lindo in the sink.

“Yeah, your life does kinda suck.” Chelsegorn agreed. “But so does mine.”

“Mine too,” Jandalf put in.

“Well, then,” Chelsegorn said, “We’ve established something.”

“What?” Lindo asked.

“All of our lives suck.”

“Here, here.” Jandalf agreed.

“So what are we going to do about it?”

They sat in silence for a minute thinking.

“Get a new one?” Lindo suggested.

“Can’t afford it.” Jandalf said.

“We need some excitement!” Chelsegorn said.

“I’m up to HERE in excitement!” Lindo exploded. The others looked at her, shocked. “One of Muds most valued customers dropped his pocket watch down the Porto-privy and ‘suggested’ that I find it. I wallow around in muck for 2 days, get bit by rats and who knows what else and when I find it, what does the old geser do? HE DROPS IT IN AGAIN!!! And guess who had to find it? Moi! Takes me 3 days this time and my torch kept going out. I got it back and ran but not before I could notice that he dropped it again into the same Porto-privy. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO CLEAN ONE OF THOSE THINGS?!!!”

She colapsed into a sudsy, pouty silence that the others dared not break.

A noise from the corner made them all jump as an old man stood, his chair scraping back against the wooden floors.

“Sounds to me,” he said in a creaky voice, “Like you youngsters are looking for a way out.”

They sat and stared at him.

“Question is,” He continued, “Will you take it?”

Lindo stood up so quickly that the other two had to duck to avoid the dirty spraying water.

“YOU are the one who keeps dropping his watch in the latreen!” She shouted as gobs of caked on ooze slid off of her and plopped into the water.

“Yes, I know.” He chuckled, “I hate that watch and I keep telling Muds to leave it there but she insists that she get it for me. I am sorry.”

Lindo glared at him and sunk seething back into the warm, bubbly water. He came around the room and sat at the table with the others.

“So… you want a way out?” He asked.

“What do you have in mind?” Jandalf asked.

“Oh, just a little trip. A small expedition and nothing more. Completely free of charge, provided that we find something.”

“What do you mean find something?”

“Before I tell you, you’ve all got to promise me to never tell another living soul about what I’m going to tell you. Especially not Muds.”

“We promise,” Jandalf said looking around at her two friends, “Don’t we?”

“Life can’t really get much crappier.” Lindo muttered.

“Sure,” Chelsegorn said in a sleepy voice, too tired to be stupid.

The old man leaned forward mysteriously. “What would you do if I told you that I have a map…”

“So what?” Jandalf yawned.

“A treasure map.”

Jandalf snapped awake and elbowed Chelsegorn, who was rapidly falling asleep on her clean pot.

“Are you sure?” Jandalf asked.

“Absolutely.” He assured them. “Will you take it?”

[Chelsegorn]

He held out to them an old, rolled up piece of parchment wrapped in twine.

Jandalf started to reach for it then stopped. “Who are you anyway?”

The man smiled and opened his mouth to answer but a loud noise from the kitchen startled them all. The girls turned round in time to see the charred figure of the cook scuttle out of the kitchen, through the back door and out into the night.

“Ms. Scrud’s cake has gone bad again,” Chelsegorn explained and they turned their attention back to the old man. But he wasn’t there. All that remained was the map, resting in the middle of the table.

“What do we do now?” Chelsegorn asked.

“Well,” Jandalf considered, standing “I suppose we should try out this map.” She reached forward and lifted the map from the table. Immediately she felt a jolt, like a surge of electricity flowing up her arm and through her body. She tried to let go or scream or something but the world had stopped. The lights faded into nothing as she struggled in her mind with the power that was consuming her. She felt herself falling into the blackness, falling, falling until-

Thud.

‘What?’ her confused mind asked.

“Wha?” she gasped aloud.

Lights flared back up around her and she saw someone kneeling over her. Now two.

“Jandalf!” one said, “Are you alright?”

“Che-Chelsegorn?” She stammered.

“What happened?” The other asked, dripping slightly.

“I, you… the lights and…” She gestured vaguely with her hands and lapsed into silence.

“Are you sure?” Chelsegorn asked.

“Uh-huh.” She replied, utterly bewildered.

“Well then,” Chelsegorn said, standing, “We’d best get a move on.”

“What?” Lindo asked, “What’s happening?”

“We’re going to look for treasure.” Chelsegorn replied.

“Are you NUTS?!” Lindo cried. “What if it’s a dud?”

“Do you want to stay here?” Chelsegorn retorted.

Lindo considered this. “Let’s go.”

“Come on,” Chelsegorn said, helping Jandalf to her feet. She steadied herself with the back of a chair and realized that she was still clutching the map. She stared down at it and noticed a strange oval shaped stone tied to the map with the twine. She undid the twine and pulled the stone off, examining it. Other than a small hole near the top of the stone for the twine and a rune carved into the centre, the stone was perfectly smooth and round. Jandalf pulled some extra string out of her pocket and fitted it to the stone.

“What’s that?” Lindo asked eyeing it.

“A stone thingy,” Jandalf returned, struggling to string it with still trembling hands.

“Here,” Chelsegorn said, snatching the stone and string away from Jandalf.

“HEY!” Jandalf yelled.

“Shhhh…” Chelsegorn warned, slipping the string through the hole easily, “Do you want to wake up Muds?” She tied the string off and slipped it around Jandalf’s head.

“How come she gets the nifty stone thingy?” Lindo whined.

“’Cause it’s got her name on it.” Chelsegorn explained.

“Where?” Jandalf and Lindo asked simultaneously.

“There,” Chelsegorn pointed at the rune.

The girls stared at it for a moment.

“I’ll take that girls,” a nastily familiar voice creaked behind them.

They turned to find Muds leering at them from the doorway. The girls recoiled not only from her face but from her choice of wardrobe. She wore a frilly, nasty looking yellow dress covered in hideously huge flowers that clashed horribly with her dress. The dress in itself was so frilly it was a wonder she could even fit through the door.

“You can’t!” Jandalf shouted, suddenly finding her voice.

Muds hesitated, surprised at the amount of force that was injected into the tone.

“I can,” She said, drawing herself up to her full clashing height, “And I will.”

Quick as a flash Muds dove at Jandalf, and equally as quick Jandalf put up her hands to try to stop the assault. A flash of energy erupted from her extended hands and Muds was repelled backwards, slamming into the wall and falling unconscious onto the floor.

“Whoa,” Jandalf said, examining her hands.

Chelsegorn ran to her and grabbed her arm, “We have to go NOW! Come on!” She grabbed Lindo with her other hand and pulled them both from the room. As they ran down the steps of The Prancing Pony a loud bang sounded from deep inside the inn.

“What was that?” Jandalf panted as she was hauled unceremoniously around a corner.

“Side effect,” Chelsegorn replied, slowing to a jog.

“What do you mean side effect?” Lindo asked, “How do you know what’s going on and we don’t?”

“The orphanage cat.” Chelsegorn replied simply, stopping finally and sitting on an overturned trash bin.

“Cat?” Jandalf asked.

“Yes, the cat. Was a magician’s cat.”

“Really?” Lindo asked skeptically.

“Mmm-hmm,” Chelsegorn affirmed.

“That’s ludicrous.” Lindo stated.

“Only sort of,” Chelsegorn replied defensivly.

“Only sort of, hmm?” Jandalf asked.

“Look,” Chelsegorn said with a sigh, “He was a magician’s cat that drank some elixir of sorts and has an extended life. His master was killed in an explosion from one of his experiments. The cat taught me all about magic, though, I’ve never actually tried it. I know a few tricks but mostly just illusions.” She took out a piece of string, “Wanna see a string trick?”

“Not really,” Lindo said looking slightly ill. “She talks to cats. Great.”

“Might not be as bad as we think,” Jandalf said. “Could be just a one time thing.”

“Excuse me?” Chelsegorn asked, the others looked up to find her talking to a sparrow, “Could you direct us to a harbor?”

The bird chirped and flew away.

“Well?” Jandalf asked.

“She said it’s over there.” Chelsegorn pointed up the street and began walking in that direction.

They arrived at the harbor without incident and stood on the pier, the water stretching endlessly in front of them.

“That’s a lotta water,” Chelsegorn comented.

Lindo bent down and began peering at the poles and the boards the pier was made up of. She knocked on a log and, seemingly satisfied with the sound it produced, began to hack at it with a sharp rock that she had found.

“Lindo,” Jandalf asked, “What are you doing?”

“It’s going to take you a very long time to make a boat out of that you know,” Chelsegorn remarked.

“I’m not trying to make a boat, I’m trying to find one.” Came the annoyed reply.

“I see,” Jandalf said and sat down on a filthy bench.
Lindo hacked away at the wood for another minute, then with a triumphant “HAH” held up what appeared to be a grain of rice. The others looked at her, bewildered.

“Found it!” She exclaimed.

“Found what?” Jandalf asked.

“Our ship!”

“Oh and I suppose you just add water then,” Jandalf said sardonically.

“As a matter of fact, yes.” Lindo chucked the grain of rice as far as she could from the pier. Immediately, in a noise that sounded remarkably like 152763 people saying “Whoa”, a large and glorious ship appeared in the harbour.

“Cool,” Chelsegorn vocalized.

“So, how are we gonna board? We gonna swim?” Jandalf asked.

“Everyone’s a critic,” Lindo muttered under her breath, “If you can’t wait for them to come and get us, you can swim.”

“How do you know anyone is on that boat?” Jandalf questioned.

As she spoke a lifeboat was lowered from the port side and a single oarsman rowed toward them.

“Ahoy there mates!” a familiar voice yelled once he had reached shouting distance, “You got any rum?”

“Emm… Not really,” Chelsegorn called back.

The man stopped rowing and leaned forward, “You either have or haven’t lass.”

“Well, no. We don’t have any rum.” Chelsegorn conceded.

“Worth a try,” the man shrugged, picked up his oars and began to turn the lifeboat around.

“Hey, wait a sec!” Jandalf cried angrily, “You’re already more than half way.”

The man stopped again and seemed to consider this, “What’s in it for me?”

“You get to live,” Jandalf said forcefully.

“Good point.” He rowed to the shore.

The girls climbed in and saw that the man was, unsurprisingly, Jack Sparrow.

“Any alcohol at all?” he asked.

“No. This is supposed to be G rated.” Lindo reminded him.

“Worth a try,” he said again.

“Does the ship have a crew?” Jandalf asked eyeing it.

“Yes she does, lass,” came the slurred reply.

“How many?”

“17 including yourselves,” Jack replied, pulling on the oars. “If anyone else comes into port, there’ll be more.”

“Nooooooo, really?” Jandalf asked, in a sudden urge to be sarcastic.

“Yep,” he replied, not noticing the sarcasm.

They lapsed into silence. The only sound coming from the splash of the oars as Jack rowed.

The ship loomed ever nearer as they continued toward it. The girls realized it was black from the hull to the sails, trimmed with iron.

“Wouldn’t that be hot?” Chelsegorn wanted to know.

“Aye,” Jack said in a strained voice, pulling on the oars. “’Specially at noon. Sometimes you can fry an egg on the iron.”

“Is that such a good idea?” Jandalf asked.

“What?” he asked, “Frying an egg? ‘S’alright if you wipe it off a bit first, though it tastes better if you don’t-”

“Having a black ship.” Jandalf interrupted. “Wouldn’t it catch fire, being made of wood?”

“Doesn’t usually catch fire,” Jack said thoughtfully, “But then, we’re surrounded by ocean. Not much trouble putting a fire out. The deck’s made of wood though. Not black.”

“Wouldn’t it get hot below deck?” Lindo asked.

“No.” Jack replied and pulled harder at the oars.

“Why not?”

The strain of all of those questions was beginning to show.

“We’ve got air conditioning.” Jack said puffing slightly.

“Air conditioning?” Chelsegorn asked with great interest.

“Jeoff will show you around when we’re there,” Jack said then added hastily to avoid the immanent question, “He’s the ship’s doctor.”

Two more minutes saw them safely aboard the ship which was mostly deserted except for one figure. Standing on deck, grinning insainly at them, was Jeoffry Chauser.

“Welcome aboard, my ladies!” he bowed grandly, “Welcome aboard Lastri’s Ort. Please make yourselves at home. First, you should like to meet the crew?”

The girls nodded at him bewilderedly.

“Right,” he said, stepping up the forecastle. “ALL HANDS ON DECK!!!”

With much opening of doors and stomping up stairs the crew assembled itself in a line on the deck in front of Jeoff.

“Right,” he said again, jumping down and motioning for the girls to follow him as he made his way to one end of the line.

“This is Irishboy #1,” he said indicating a tall man standing on the end, “And this is his brother, Irishboy #2.” He pointed to a shorter version of the first. “This, as you know is Jack,” Jack grinned at them, “This is Aragorn.”

“Hi.” Aragorn said despondently.

“This is Legolas, or Will turner. He’s kind of both, actually. The result of a rather strange explosion really.” He indicated a figure dressed in pirate clothes with a quiver of arrows on his back and clutching a bow.

“This is Clairadriel.”

A woman in a shimmering black dress, straight red hair, a black cape and a white chief’s hat stood before them.
She straightened and said in a loud voice, “I am Clairadriel Madridelle. Pirate Queen and surprime ruler of this vestle!”

The entire crew turned and stared at her.

She coughed quietly. “I’m the cook, actually.”

“Yes,” Jeoff said, “And a wonderful cook too.”

“I hope you like tofu,” Clairadriel said, “’Cause I’ve got plenty of it.”

“All vegetarian?” Lindo asked.

“You got a problem with that?” Clairadriel growled, her eyes glinting dangerously.

“Um, no.” Lindo said quickly, cringing slightly.

“Anyway,” Jeoff said, “This is Hayden.”

“What do you want?” he asked darkly.

“Now, now, Hayden,” Jeoff scolded lightly, “Let’s make a good impression.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Hayden said with exaggerated politeness.

“That’s better. I believe that covers everyone.” Jeoff said rubbing his hands together.

“Where’s the helm?” Chelsegorn asked noting the absence of one on the poop.

“You forgot about me!” a bodiless female voice called.

“Of course!” Jeoff exclaimed, “How could I forget!”

He led them up the forecastle and up to the bow.

“You’ll have to lean over a bit, she’s a little further under.”

The three girls leaned over and saw a mermaid with long black curly hair and a sparkly black fin duck taped to the front of the boat. In front of her, just in arms reach was the helm. She also looked remarkably familiar.

She gazed up at them and said, “I am Kathrina Tawni e’Nedra Nadene Cecilia Laytha Ariane Xantha Gabriella Erzsébet Katalin Aluna Estreilla Dolceamori Lenoor Alina Diana Marina Alexandrina Darcia Xeridianethad-enokarinyeadalathadrelachiane of the Relm of Zo.”

The three girls paled slightly and Chelsegorn
asked, “Again please?”

“Kathrina Tawni e’Nedra Nadene Cecilia Laytha Ariane Xantha Gabriella Erzsébet Katalin Aluna Estreilla Dolceamori Lenoor Alina Diana Marina Alexandrina Darcia Xeridianethadenokarinyeadalathadrelachiane of the Relm of Zo.” She paused, “But you can call me Xenobia.”

Jandalf eyed her suspiciously, “You look like Tina.”

“Am NOT!” Xenobia shouted at her.

“How’d you get strapped to the front of the boat, Tina?” Chelsegorn asked.

“I am NOT Tina. Xenobia is my name and that’s the one you’ll use.”

“Whatever,” Jandalf muttered, turning back to Jeoff. “Hadn’t we better be getting along?”

“Whatever you say miss… ” Jeoff paused.

“Jandalf. And this is Chelsegorn, and Lindo.”

“Hi,” they said in unison.

“Pleasure, I’m sure. I’m afraid you won’t be able to meet the cabin boys until after nightfall, but in the meantime, WAY ANCHOR! SET THE SAILS!”

There was a flurry of movement about the deck as the crew rushed around following Jeoff’s instruction, the girls were busy with appointed tasks too and though the paperclip someone tried to hook the anchor onto the boat with, didn’t hold, they were moving in no time.

[Chelsegorn]

“Um, Tina?” she asked coming to the bow.

“I can’t hear you!”

“Xenobia?”

“Yes honey?”

“Em… there’s a reef over there, up ahead.”

“Oh! Right. Umm… Got it covered.”

They continued in a straight line toward the reef.

“Hey Tin- Xenobia,” Jandalf asked, “You might want to go a bit to the left.”

“Hey!” Chelsegorn cut in, “Look who’s being a backseat driver.”

“You should talk,” Jandalf said, “I saw you up here a minute ago.”

Lindo walked up the forecastle. “What’s going on?”

“Jandalf’s being a backseat driver.”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“No more than you are.”

“Granted.” Chelsegorn conceded.

“That’s not nearly as bad as that paperclip stunt you pulled earlier,” Jandalf reminded her, “What were you thinking?”

“Two little words my friend, ‘Stainless Steel’.”

“Hey guys?” Xenobia interrupted.

“What?” Lindo replied.

“How do you work this?” she indicated the wheel.

“When did you get your sailing license?” Lindo asked suspiciously.

“Around 1245.”

“Did you pass it?”

“Umm… well…”

“When was the last time you sailed?”

“Just that once, they wouldn’t let me retake my test… I sank the entire Spanish Armada.”

All three girls leaned heavily against the railing.

“Great.” Chelsegorn said, “Just great.”

“Go left Tina,” Jandalf said.

“Xenobia.”

“Whatever, go left.”

“Which left, mine or yours?”

“IT’S THE SAME LEFT!!!!”

“Oh, yeah. So left?”

“Right.”

“Not left, right.”

“NO! Right as in correct!”

“So not right?”

“LEFT!”

“Yours or mine again?”

The reef was only a few hundred yards off the bow.

“TURN THE WHEEL THAT WAY!!!” Chelsegorn leaned over the railing and flailed in the direction.

“Oooh!” Xenobia exclaimed and began to turn the wheel.

The ship slowly started to turn.

“We’ll never make it!” Lindo shouted.

“We have to make it!” Jandalf shouted back and leaned over the edge again, “Turn FASTER!!!”

Xenobia turned the helm like a speed demon. The ship shuttered and swung around, creaking and moaning, but avoiding the reef.

“That was close,” Chelsegorn said as she slumped to the deck.

Xenobia spent the next hour figuring out how to drive making everyone else feel as though they were driving like an inebriated kangaroo on a unicycle.

Night swiftly fell as the weary crew toiled on. At dust, Jeoff found the girls and told them that he’d show them to their quarters. As they reached the cabin door, four men with white dog funnels around their necks glided out.

“Fresh blood?” one of them enquired, the others snickered.

“Not for you Dracula,” Jeoff warned, “Girls, this is Dracula, Lestat, Maurius, and Drake.” He pointed down the line. “The cabin boys.”

“A pleasure,” Lestat murmured.

“Pleased to… meat you.” Maurius smiled.

“Why do they have those collers around their necks?” Chelsegorn whispered to Jeoff.

“Because they think it will keep us from biting anyone.” Maurius replied, grinning evily.

“Don’t listen to them,” Jeoff said loudly, “their bark is worse than their bite.”

“That remains to be seen,” Drake said.

“Come,” Jeoff motioned to the girls, “It’s been a long day.”

“I’ll say,” Jandalf muttered as they walked down the forecastle and into the ship.

Through the door and down a short but steep flight of stairs they went and on to the cabins, both of which looked the same.

“This one is yours,” Jeoff told Lindo, indicating the first on the left. “That,” he pointed to the one on the right, “is yours.” He told Jandalf.

“What about me?” Chelsegorn wanted to know.

“Oh, ummm…” Jeoff thought for a moment, “We’ll have to stick you deeper in the ship. You don’t get seasick do you?”

“I don’t think so,” Chelsegorn replied.

“Then come,” Jeoff said, motioning her to follow him.

“See ya,” Chelsegorn said to the others as she trailed behind Jeoff.

They went deep into the belly of the ship with many turns and stairs leading to other turns. Finally they came to a door that looked slightly older than the others.

“There’s an extra bunk in here, I think,” Jeoff said as he opened the door and handed her the lantern. There were four rather large beds latched to the wall and a hammock in the corner.

“You might want to use the hammock,” Jeoff cautioned, “I don’t know exactly who else is in this room.”

Chelsegorn yawned, too tired to ask questions, crawled into the hammock and fell immediately into a deep dreamless sleep.

****

Jandalf walked into her cabin and sighed wearily. She looked around the cabin. It was small, and not very exciting. A closet, a bed and a table were crammed into a space that seemed to be as big as the closet she had at the orphanage. She fell onto the bed and noted, with some disgust, that it wasn’t big enough for her. She sighed again as she tried to get comfortable. She finally achieved this and was on the brink of sleep when a noise brought her back to reality. She lifted her head and looked around. The tight space was as small as it had first appeared and Jandalf was about to dismiss the noise as someone in the next cabin when she heard it again. It was coming from her closet. She got up silently and moved noiselessly the two steps that it took to get to the closet. She paused with her hand on the handle, took a deep breath and yanked it open.

“My goodness,” a familiar voice said from the closet, “you don’t have to scare me half to death like that, you know you really should knock. What happened to the lights?”

“Obi-Wan?” Jandalf asked.

“That’s right. Who are you?”

“Jandalf.”

“How do you know me?”

“Everyone knows you.”

“Really? I didn’t know that I was so widely known. Tell me, where am I?”

“On a ship, Lastri’s Ort, I think.”

He seemed to think this over. “Hmm. If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll stay here, for the time being.”

Jandalf yawned. “In the dark?”

“Yes, if that’s alright.”

“Sure.” Jandalf was overcome with a wave of sleepiness and shut the closet door. She flopped down on the bed and fell asleep in seconds.

****

Lindo closed the door of her cabin and turned around.

“Disgustingly small,” she muttered, looking at the bed, table and closet. Her eyes strayed back to the table. There was a small rectangular object on it. She picked it up and examined it. It was a standard television remote control with a lot more buttons on it. Ones that said Up and Down and Horizontal and Vertical and Left and Right and… well… you get the gist. She jumped as she heard a muffled noise inside her closet. Without thinking she pointed the remote at the door and pressed a button. The door sprang open and Taffy tumbled out onto the floor in front of her.

“KIBBLES!” he shrieked.

“AAAAH!” Lindo yelled, pointed the remote at him and pressed another button. Taffy turned a very interesting mix of purple and black.

“Oooooooo,” Lindo said cradling the remote and staring at it lovingly.

“Kibbles?” Taffy repeated.

“Here,” Lindo said pointing the remote at the floor and pressing a button marked ‘Kibbles’. Instantly a large bowl appeared and filled itself with Kibbles.

Taffy dug in and Lindo fell on the bed, clutching her remote. She was overcome with sleep a few minutes later, despite the crunching coming from across the room.

****

[Chelsegorn]

Early in the morning, Chelsegorn was slowly brought from her dreamless slumber to consciousness. As she became more aware she wondered vaguely what had disturbed her sleepy bliss. As she was wondering this, she decided that it was more of a feeling than a noise. She opened her eyes to find two ice blue eyes looking into hers, several inches away.

“Boo.”

She shrieked and fell out of the hammock.

Standing over her was Lestat. Maurius and Dracula stood near the door and none of them were wearing collars.

“What do you want?” she said, almost in hysterics.

“Do not fear,” Maurius said, “We have already… eaten.”

Chelsegorn mentally checked herself.

“Not you,” Dracula said, reading her thoughts.

“So what are you doing here?” Chelsegorn asked, still nervously.

“This is our quarters.” Lestat said, offering his hand to help her off the floor. She took it and he pulled her to her feet with surprising ease. Maurius and Dracula moved away from the door toward their coffins.

“Okaaayy,” she said, pulling her hand out of Lestats and backing toward the door, “I suppose I should get on deck, then.”

“Sunrise is not for half an hour yet,” Maurius said, “there’s plenty of time.”

“For what?” Chelsegorn asked.

“Breakfast.”

Chelsegorn stared in horror at him.

“Yours,” Maurius added quickly, “It is time we… uh, turned in.”

Chelsegorn turned and walked to the door as quickly as she dared, but before she could open it, it flew open with such force, it splintered a little upon hitting the wall. On the other side of the door stood an extremely unhappy Drake.

“Ah, Drake,” Lestat smiled, “And how was your night?”

“How would you like to pass the night hanging off the front of a boat.” He snarled, seemingly taking no notice of Chelsegorn as he stormed past. Suddenly he wheeled around and regarded her with a hungry look in his eyes.

“Perhaps,” Lestat said softly, “You should go.”

“Perhaps I should.” Chelsegorn agreed and left the cabin as fast as her legs would carry her, shutting the splintered door behind her.

She wandered the corridors for a few minutes until she found the kitchen. Clairadriel stood in her same black dress and chief’s hat stirring porridge in what looked very much like a cauldron.

“Good morning,” Clairadriel said sweetly and scooped a bunch of porridge out of the cauldron into a bowl. “Did you sleep well?”

“I suppose,” Chelsegorn said, “You?”

“Very well,” her companion affirmed, going back to stirring.

Chelsegorn sighed. When she found Jeoff, they were going to have a talk. A very long talk. With shouting. And throwing stuff.

****

Jandalf woke early in the morning to a knock at her door.

“Time to get up!” a voice that sounded very much like Jeoff’s said.

She groaned and rolled over.

“Come on,” he said, “we haven’t got all day.”

Jandalf stumbled out of bed and staggered toward the door. She paused at the closet and, after hesitating a few moments, turned the knob and peaked in. It was empty. Jandalf sighed with more disappointment than relief, and opened the door to find Jeoff in the corridor smiling cheerfully at her.

“Sleep well?”

****

Lindo awoke to a pounding on her door.

“LINDO!!!” someone like Jandalf shouted.

“What?” Lindo asked.

“Finally, we’ve been knocking for the past ten minutes.”

Lindo looked around and saw that Taffy, thankfully, was missing. As well as his bowl of kibbles. She still held the remote in her hand, though. She stuffed it under her pillow and went to open the door.

****


Lindo and Jandalf stumbled into the kitchen about ten minutes after Chelsegorn and stared blearily into their porridge for the next fifteen minutes, when Jeoff came in and announced that they would need to get to work in five minutes. Chelsegorn chose this as the right time to have their talk.

“WHY DID YOU PUT ME WITH THE VAMPIRES!!!!!!”

Jeoff shrank a little. “Did I?”

The answer came with the half eaten bowl of porridge that was sitting in front of Chelsegorn, which was suddenly inclined to be hurled across the room, splattering all over Jeoff.

“You did WHAT???!!!” Jandalf shouted.

“What the heck did you do that for?!” Lindo yelled at him.

“I didn’t know it was their room,” Jeoff said apologetically, though, it didn’t seem to be apologetically enough for Chelsegorn. A glass of orange juice quickly snatched itself off the table, Chelsegorn’s hand ‘resting’ on it of course, and hurled itself across the room. Jeoff ducked but couldn’t avoid the spray.

“There are no other beds!” Jeoff tried frantically to explain. “I thought it was one of the woman’s cabins!”

“Oh, and I suppose the coffins didn’t tip you off?!” Chelsegorn growled, as the pitcher of juice in front of her decided that, what the heck, it should throw itself at Jeoff too, just to see the effect.

“You’d better find a different place for her!” Jandalf said to the sopping Jeoff.

“Will you PLEASE stop throwing breakfast items at me?” he implored of Chelsegorn who had an English muffin in her hand over her head, ready to follow the orange juice and porridge. “I will do my best to come up with other arrangements.”

“You’d better!” Lindo glared at him, her croissant in hand to be launched at Jeoff.

“That’s ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!” Clairadriel shouted, “Look what you’ve done to my kitchen!”

Thankfully none of the things Chelsegorn had thrown had broken, but the kitchen did look rather like a tornado had gone through it.

“I think it’s time you got to work,” Clairadriel said angrily, “Before I decide to make you help me clean this mess up. Infact-”

“We’re going!” Lindo said quickly.

“I’m going to get changed,” Jeoff said looking apologetically toward Chelsegorn. “I’ll try to find another spot for you to sleep.”

“Good,” Chelsegorn said coldly and walked past his sticky, sopping form and up toward the deck. The other girls followed her. Halfway up the stairs Chelsegorn stopped.

“What?” Jandalf asked, trying, but not quite succeeding, to not bump into her.

“Listen.”
A low hum seemed to surround them as they looked around for the source of the noise. A door opened below the stairs and Hayden wandered out.

“What?” he asked.

“What’s that noise?” Lindo asked.

“Air conditioning.”

“Air conditioning?” Jandalf inquired.

“Come on,” he said motioning them to follow.

He lead them down a very short corridor to a door, which he entered. The girls followed and found themselves surrounded by-

“Hamsters??” Jandalf asked.

Indeed, there were. Dozens of hamsters on hamster wheels all running madly.

“How many hamsters are in this room?” Lindo asked.

“152763.” Hayden answered, looking at them in distaste. “I have to feed them all.”

“There’s something written here!” Chelsegorn exclaimed pointing to an apparatus holding a hamster.

“ ‘Cels D’s Air Company.’ ” Jandalf read aloud.

“What are the odds?” Lindo muttered.

“I’m going on deck,” Hayden announced, “Just, don’t take any of them out.” He indicated the hamsters and walked out the door without giving the girls any time to respond.

They lingered a few moments longer, then followed Hayden’s example and went on deck. The morning was bright and peaceful as Jandalf made her way up to the forecastle to say good morning to Xenobia.

Jandalf cleared her throat, “So, Tina. How do you like being taped to the front of a boat?”

“For the last time, it’s Xenobia.”

“Sure. So how about it?”

“Not bad,” Xenobia mused, “The view is rather lovely.”

“I presumed as much. Got to get back to my chores.” Jandalf turned and went on deck with Chelsegorn trailing behind her.

****

Jandalf was assigned assistant cook’s duty and went to help Clairadriel peel potatoes for most of the day. Chelsegorn was assigned lookout duty up in the crows-nest and Lindo was assigned deck swabbing duty-

“Why do I always get stuck with the cleaning duty?”

Because you’re good at it.

“No I’m not.”

Close enough.

“You just don’t like me.”

Only when you argue with me. Look, the deck isn’t that dirty. Just give it a try and if you really hate it… I’ll try to find something else.

“Okay.”

Ahem. Back to the story.

*****

Jandalf opened a door somewhere in the ship and stepped into a room filled with bubbling and sizzling noises, good smells and strange ones too. The walls were lined with dozens of cupboards and counters and stoves and sinks. The décor was strangely gloomy, but that was nothing compared to the eerie music that filtered through the air with the smells.

“Here at last!” a voice exclaimed, “Well, it’s about time! You’re ten minutes late!”

Clairadriel glided into view, wearing a mildly sinister black dress. Her outfit was topped with a white chief’s hat.

“I, uh, had a problem finding the place,” Jandalf said, trying to cover her surprise at the appearance of the kitchen and its keeper.

“No matter,” Clairadriel said, “You’re mine now.”

Jandalf coughed silently and took a step backward.

“Those potatoes need peeling.” Clairadriel indicated an absolute mountain of potatoes in a corner, handing Jandalf a minusculely puny potato peeler.

Jandalf sighed, this was going to be a very long day.