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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Jan 1, 2005 23:07:07 GMT -5
Faramir: THOOOOMMAAAAASS! Yes, I shall join thee, Anna-Maria, for the sake of Thomas and his enslaved brethren! *yells into coin slot* WE'RE COMING, THOMAS! BE NOT AFRAID!
Figwit: How're you gonna get him out?
Faramir: Hmmm. I know! QUICK! WE MUST GET THE JAWS OF LIFE! TO THE LOCAL FIRE DEPARTMENT!
Maeg: Phht! Like the fire department is going to lend YOU the Jaws of Life so you can save a stupid dime.
Faramir: HEY! HE'S A NICKEL!!
Maeg: Whatever.
Faramir: *Can't get Jaws of Life from the Fire Department because his dad has outlawed such things in Gondor and he doesn't know what one looks like.* Umnn.. *Gets can opener instead* This'll work.
*Tries to slice through candy machine with can opener and fails.*
Far: Not working! HOLD ON, THOMAS! *starts hyperventilating* DON'T PANIC! What do we do now, Anna-Maria?! Think, think, THINK! WAAH! THOMAS IS TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEE!
Figwit and Maeg: *Take a few steps away from Faramir*
Maeg: Oh-kaaaay... While Far's busy with THAT, how can we get these teeth off of Jandalf?
Figwit: *Holds up giant pair of pliers*
Maeg: Do you have some sort of death wish?
Figwit: *quickly drops pliers*
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 2, 2005 15:21:20 GMT -5
Jandalf: (overhears them plotting to pull off the fangs and turns away, popping in glowing orange contact lenses) I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE LEARNED FROM FARAMIR'S EXAMPLE, FIGGY!! WATCH YOURSELF!!
Obi-Wan: (waits patiently beside the vending machine so he can make off with the chocolate bars once Faramir's pried it open)
Anna-Maria: Ummmm...(tries to think for the sake of poor Thomas, then a lightbulb appears over her head and mysteriously turns on) I know! We'll call up the corporation that wons the vending machine and...ask them for the key to open the cash box!! (sees the keyhole has been mangled by Faramir's attempts to pry the box open) Uhhhh...never mind. Did we have a plan B?
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Post by Vanacoriel on Jan 2, 2005 18:03:16 GMT -5
Lard: Plan B? Yes yes we do! *EATS VENDING MACHINE* BWAHAHAHA
Vanacoriel: Jandalf I think those teeth are rather flattering. In my humble opinion.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 2, 2005 22:51:01 GMT -5
Anna-Maria: (horrified at losing Thomas) NOOOOOOOO!!!! Obi-Wan: (horrified at losing the chocolate bars) NOOOOOOOO!!!! Jandalf: (ignores them for the moment) Why, thank you, Van. I think I'm getting rather attached to these teeth myself. N1: ACK!!! HORRIBLY HORRIBLE PUN!!! DYE!!! Jandalf: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (runs away) Obi-Wan and Anna-Maria: (take a moment to notice that both of them have dashes in the middle of their names, then charge the Lard with Jandalf's "borrowed" Howitzer) Anna-Maria: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, LARD!!! Obi-Wan: (loads the gun) Ah, yes. Yes, he will. Heh heh heh. Jandalf: (stops in the distance, turns around and runs back) MY HOWITZER!!! MINE!!! MY PRECIOUSSSS!!! SEE HOW IT GLEAMS SO DEADLY IN THE TATOOINIAN SUNS!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Obi-Wan: (points) Hey, that's us!! Anna-Maria: Why are we dressed in combat fatigues? Or whatever. Obi-Wan: (shrugs and takes second look) But...there are four people there. Jandalf: One's my invisible friend Frank. Obi-Wan: ...But we can see him. Jandalf: (angrily) SHHHHHHH!!! DOESN'T MATTER!!! Anna-Maria: (decides to leave and raid a bank to free the poor poor coins trapped within their roll-like bondage)
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Post by Vanacoriel on Jan 3, 2005 0:50:40 GMT -5
Lard: *panics* I'm not sure what to do...or where to go...that is very scary looking...*tries to cough up vending machine*
Merry: I'm thinking now is a good time to RUN AWAY!
Pippin: RUN AWAY
Various Knights of the Round Table: RUN AWAY!!!
Vanacoriel: And this my children, is the story of Thomas the brave nickel, and Lard, the evil pig. It is also a story of Jandalf and her co-authors and of Maeg, and Faramir, and Figwit. It is told by Moi. Vanacoriel.
Merry: With assistance from us.
Pippin: *nods*
Various Knights: Can we erm...leave now?
Vanacoriel:....o..kk....
Various Knights: RUN AWAY! * and knocked Jandalf and Obi-Wan over*
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Jan 3, 2005 18:57:27 GMT -5
Faramir: Oh, it's okay.
Figgy: *from his hiding place under the rug* What's Okay?
Faramir: That Lard ate Thomas.
Maeg: YOU'RE taking this awfully well.
Fig: I think he's in shock. We should make him lay down and elevate his feet. Or his head. I forget which.
Far: No, no, I'm not in shock. I've got everything under control. Just hold still, Lard. *dons hospital garb, complete with big rubber gloves and a face mask.* I'll help you, Thomas.
Fig: YEEP!
Far: Don't be worried, Figs, I'm a professional.
Maeg: A professional WHAT?
Far: I'll just surgically remove the vending machine. Trust me, I've done operations hundreds of times.
Fig: You HAVE?!
Far: Yeah, I love that game. I hardly ever hit the sides and ring the buzzer. I like the little "water on the knee" piece.
Maeg: You do realize that the body is far more complex than a goofy board game, don't you?
Far: Phht! I've seen a biology textbook before, Maeg. I think I know the complexities of the human anatomy.
Fig: Lard isn't a human!!
Far: Details, details... Would you hand me a #6 scalpel, nurse?
Maeg: Scalpel? Where do you think I'm gonna find a scalpel?
Far: I WORK WITH AMATURES!!! Just give me that conveniently-placed chainsaw then. Sheesh!
Fig: Lard, would you speak kindly of me in your will? And you'll need to be changing it reaaaaally quickly...
Maeg: I hope Lard has insurance.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 3, 2005 19:04:25 GMT -5
Jandalf: (jumps up back to a standing position) BUT YOU CAN'T KILL THE LARD!!! He's a great dance floor.
Obi-Wan: (rubs his head) Perhaps I'll help the Lard with his will. I did go to law school, after all.
Jandalf: (gapes) My co-author is a Jedi lawyer?
Anna-Maria: (returns and yells) FIGHT AGAINST MIGHT FOR RIGHT!!!
Jandalf and Obi-Wan: (turn around and stare oddly at her)
Anna-Maria: Oh, come on, mates. It's a fun slogan.
Obi-Wan: Thanks. But no.
Anna-Maria: (swiftly hands Faramir a #6 scalpel as well as a chainsaw while no one's looking)
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Post by Vanacoriel on Jan 3, 2005 19:49:48 GMT -5
Vanacoriel: *holds Lards hand* It's ok... don't worry, it'll be just like the time Pippin and I decided to find your brain.
Lard: *pales* YOU TRIED TO FIND MY BRAIN!!!
Van: no..we did find you brain!
Lard: *passes out*
Van: Well, now that he's out, lets discuss his will *evil laugh*
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Jan 4, 2005 12:16:03 GMT -5
Maeg: Wow, Obi-wan! You're a lawyer? Let's make him a little office! We'll write KENOBI- ATTOURNEY AT LAW on the door!
Far: AHEM! Will you all please leave the area?! SOME OF US are trying to perform complex surgical procedures here! And thank you, Anna-Maria. If you wish to join me, I'll have to ask you to wear the proper equiptment. *Hands her nurse scrubs and a face mask*
Fig: Hey, does Lard have insurance? I mean, if he dies during this, will we get money or soemthing?
Maeg: FIG!! That's a HORRIBLE thing to think!
Fig: *looks sad.*
Maeg: Find out, though.
Far: Hey Lard, we can't find any anesthesia so we'll have to do this while you're awake, okay buddy?
Maeg: Hey guys, let's go mess with Lard's will! I mean... let's go... make some get-well cards for lard's speedy recovery... because we have the utmost... faith... in Faramir's abilities.
Far: Oooo! Pretty needles!
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Post by Vanacoriel on Jan 4, 2005 20:57:14 GMT -5
Vanacoriel: Oh, he past out a while ago. So erm... Mr. Kenobi. As the Lards closest companion, beloved erm...hobbit friend, i believe if he dies I am intitled to all his belongs. and money am i not?
Merry & Pippin: *outraged muttering and shaking of fists*
Vanacoriel: *whispers to Far* if you kill him i'll--- *is hit with stick by the Lard, who is apperently concious,*
Lard: I...will, get you for this Van, if it's the last thing I do.
Van: It will be.
Lard: *past out*
Van: continue doctors. please rescue poor Thomas. *snicker*
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 4, 2005 21:24:42 GMT -5
Eowyn: *jumps out of a corner where she's been hiding* I know law-junk! I'll take the Lard's side. COURT CASE TIME!!!
Tiana: What are YOU doing here?
Eowyn: Returning.
Tiana: *has a bad feeling about this*
Eowyn: Join the club.
Tiana: AGH.
Anakin: Can I help disect... erm... join the group of doctors? I have a lightsaber...
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 5, 2005 13:43:55 GMT -5
Obi-Wan: (takes big law book and beats them all back) No one's doing ANYTHING UNTIL I HAVE AN OFFICE!!! Then we'll take care of paperwork. I'll be a judge as well, if the need arises.
Jandalf: I'LL BE THE VAMPIRE JURY!!!
Anna-Maria: (dons scrubs and facemask, as well as the latex gloves) Right, doctor, I do believe the patient is, for the moment, comatose. We'd better get on with it if we're going to rescue poor Thomas, mate. (notices Anakin standing there with his lightsaber) NO CAUTERISED GASHES!!! (smacks him) THIS MUST BE A SAFE, EFFICIENT OPERATION... (notices Faramir giggling over the pretty shiny pointy needles) Erm.
Obi-Wan: (puts on ridiculously elaborate judge's robe) Right. Éowyn has volunteered to defend the Lard of the Black Lands. Who wants to be the prosecutor? We'll just get this done during the operation for the sake of efficiency.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 5, 2005 22:39:38 GMT -5
Tiana: *wails* BUT SHE CAN'T DEFEND THE LARD!
Eowyn: Why not, punk?
Tiana: That's it. Punk yourself. I HATE that.
Eowyn: Pth.
Tiana: I hate talking to myself.
Anakin: *slaps Ann-Marie back* So get a Jedi healer.
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Jan 6, 2005 12:00:20 GMT -5
Far: Mr. Skywalker, I’m going to have to ask you to wear the proper nurse’s outfit if you’re going to be in the operating room.
Maeg: What room?
Far: Invisible walls.
Maeg: Oh.
Fig: *is busy making a law office for Obi-Wan using a cardboard box from a refrigerator.* I’ll be the prosecutor once I’m finished cutting out a window.
Maeg: Hey Obi-Wan, do you have one of those fluffy white wigs like judges do in movies? We could make one out of these cotton balls!
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 6, 2005 18:29:06 GMT -5
Obi-Wan: (already has a judge's wig made of synthetic materials) I got it at Value Village. Right. (grabs another refrigerator box and makes his judge's desk, complete with witness stand)
Jandalf: Oooo. (catches on and makes a jury box, seating herself in it)
Anna-Maria: (manages to heave the Lard onto an operating table)
Obi-Wan: (seats himself and adjusts his crooked wig) Éowyn Skywalker as the defender, and Figwit as the prosecutor. I will call this court into session as soon as the latter of the above two mentioned has finished cutting a window into my office. Thanks, Figwit.
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Jan 7, 2005 11:34:39 GMT -5
Fig: No problem! I like cutting! It involves sharp objects. *Maeg moves away from Figwit* There! All done. I'm ready to accuse... um... whoever it is that I'm supposed to be accusing.
Maeg: *Slaps forehead*
Far: THOOOMAAAS! CAN YOU HEAR ME? I'M COMIN', THOMAS!
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Post by Vanacoriel on Jan 8, 2005 15:58:57 GMT -5
Vanacoriel: *stares in amazement* Lard, you've really started something here, THIS IS GOING TO BE JUST LIKE LAW AND ORDER!!!!!! OR ONE OF THOSE OTHER COURT SHOWS I DONT WATCH!!!
Lard: All i did was do what Lards do best. Eat something. I had no idea *sobs*
Vanacoriel: *smiles* It's ok. You can trust Obi-Wan's Judgement. I mean imagine if Jandalf was the judge or worse Faramir. Ohmy. So crazy.
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Jan 11, 2005 12:11:05 GMT -5
Jandalf: (slaps forehead) ACK!! SHE'S RIGHT!! I should be the judge.
Obi-Wan: (shudders at the thought and adjusts his wig again) Aren't you satisfied with being the jury? You'll get a coffee break.
Jandalf: ...Oooooo. (grins) I'M THE JURY!!!
Anna-Maria: (watches the Lard's vital signs monitor) Ummmm...Faramir?
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Jan 11, 2005 22:14:32 GMT -5
Anakin: *puts on proper garb, and scrubs up, only knowing the term because of the narrator's extensive knowledge of stupid things like this* All right... *stares at moniter* Hey, can I put him out of his misery?
Eowyn: Good plan. Then I can defend at a murder case instead!
Tiana: NO! *sighs helplessly* Oh well, Master, can I join in on the jury-- then do in my co-authors who are SERIOUSLY GETTING ON MY NERVES??
Eowyn: *getting together evidence to convict Vana for torturing the Lard*
Tiana: Agh.
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Post by Vanacoriel on Jan 12, 2005 0:57:20 GMT -5
Van: How am I being dragged into this?! I don't torture him!! Usually. He's the one who comes into my house REEKING of garlic and evilishness and expects to be able to lay on the floor. Honestly. I thought this was about Thomas and the Lard eating him.
Lard: *very pale...and rather miserable*
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