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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 9, 2004 8:44:44 GMT -5
Okay, seeing as a new idea struck...this is where you get to feed your very favourite advice columnist (coughJandalfcough) stupid questions and get equally stupid answers!
They must be in the usual advice column format, i.e.:
Dear Jandalf, I have a problem. Blah blah blah. What should I do? Sincerely, Dude With Difficulties
You get it, of course. Have fun, and we'll see if this thing takes off.
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 9, 2004 18:31:52 GMT -5
Heh heh heh........ *has very evil grin*
Dear Jandalf,
Are you really that conceited to think that you are Middle-earths favorite journalist? Or are you merely going through a hard time, seeing as everyone's turning to you for advice, that you decided to do this? I, myself, am fairly sure that you're going TO BE A FAILURE!!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MY TALK SHOW SHALL OVERRUN YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh... right... questions... meh.
Well, I'm sure that you are just a conceited Jedi, with far too much time on her hands. And you're going to FAIL!
Yours... ummmm... sarcastically, The Person Who's Going To Spend All Her Spare Time Flaming You Through These Letters
PS: No, you don't know who I am... REALLY...
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 9, 2004 20:52:36 GMT -5
Dear Person Who's Going To Spend All Her Spare Time Flaming You Through These Letters:
My, what an awfully long name you have. Though you haven't offered up a question, I'm going to give you a piece of advice anyway, which I'm sure you've already heard:
I'm far too perfect to be conceited. (snrk) Besides that, I'm not running a talk show. So have fun flaming me, and remember, a bird in the hand is worth two shot dead in the pail. Or whatever.
Yours Insincerely,
Jandalf the Orange
PS: Work on those Jedi mindtricks, Padawan.
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Post by Tahiri the Purple (likes cake) on Sept 9, 2004 22:23:59 GMT -5
Dear JtO
i have a problem, i hate using the caplock key!!!!! its evil i say and itll take over the world if i use it properly. but i have to because my grammer is very incorrect when i dont!!!! what should i do?????????? heeeeeelllllppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~the person who cant spell
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 10, 2004 16:26:06 GMT -5
Dear Person Who Can't Spell:
While likely the caps lock key or the shift key will take over the world IF YOU USE THEM LIKE THIS, moderate use, such as at the beginnings of sentences and names, will not provoke them to that extent. If you find it hard to get used to capitalizing, just keep going at it. It took me a while to get used to capitalizing, but it's not too difficult once you get into the habit. Start off slow if need be, and keep working at it.
Yours Grammatically,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Vanacoriel on Sept 10, 2004 18:05:09 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf I have a problem. I don't understand... this. " Your Grammatically Jandalf " How can you be grammatically mine? How does this work? How can I understand? Cheers The-sincerly-illogica- who-doesn't- understand-some-things
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Post by BEHIND YOU!!! on Sept 10, 2004 18:05:22 GMT -5
Jandalf [for you are not dear to me],
I am an evil person dead set on... well... my own motives. I am traveling with a Jedi Master at present, and I DO NOT need her sensing my underscored motives-- what should I do?! If she senses me, everything will fail, because she'll never understand why I am doing what I am-- heck, she'll probably kill me. Is there any way to surpass their annoying mind tricks?
No, I'm not a Sith.
Quite evilly, and most certainally not yours...
-Random Evil Person Bent on... well, not taking over the world, but you get the idea...
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 10, 2004 21:52:01 GMT -5
Dear The-sincerly-illogica- who-doesn't- understand-some-things:
Why do people keep on giving me such long names?
Ahem. I am, in theory, grammatically yours, because my grammar/spelling thread is open to everyone...other than that, you've got me there.
Sincerely Confused,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 10, 2004 21:58:39 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
I was NOT trying to mindtrick you-- I'm trying to rob you... okay... that does NOT work. Meh. Whatever gave you that idea?
And I know you're far too perfect to be conceited. That's why you made this thread... ugg...
I do not accept advice willingly. Especially from people who think too highly of themselves. I, instead of asking advice, grant you some-- do not make affairs for us non-wizards to meddle in, because we most certainally will.
Still scarcastically,
The Person Who Really Needs to make herself a Shorter Name, because if she spends all her spare time flaming you she wants to be able to remember the name she used before.
P.S.: [mind trick] I'm not your Padawan... [/mind trick]
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 10, 2004 22:01:38 GMT -5
Dear Random Evil Person Bent on... well, not taking over the world, but you get the idea...:
(shakes fist) QUIT IT WITH THE LONG NAMES!!! Sigh.
Firstly, we have struck a problem with you being an evil person, as you so succinctly put it. The problem is this: You are evil. That will inevitably directly interfere with many of my attempts to put you back on the straight and narrow. I advise you to go home, and rethink your life.
Secondly, you are set on your own motives. Why is this? Why are you not open to the input of others? Are you deliberately being insensitive? One would think you were plotting something evil. Hmm. I suggest to quit that.
Thirdly: I am unsure why you are travelling with a Jedi Master in the first place if you seem to be so evil and stuff, but I would suggest either allowing your foremost thoughts to be open, or get the heck out of there. There's really no way to get past the sensitivity of a Master, mostly because of their training. Fortunately, this training also makes them inclined to ask before they kill. Consequently, talking with your radically different comrade may bring the tension level down dramatically, especially if the Master's had a Padawan or two. Experience and suchlike, you see. It is generally a Jedi Master's nature to try and understand a concept before accepting it or rejecting it.
Fourthly: Next time you write a letter, be nice or I might just call my agent. Agent Smith, that is.
And of course you're not a Sith.
Dramatically Yours,
Jandalf the Orange
P.S. Do I know you?
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Post by Vanacoriel on Sept 12, 2004 3:45:36 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf
The other day I stole some ones shovel. And they chased me all over the world in order to get it. When they finally tracked me down, they just flew to my home town. I am scared to go home, as do not like being attacked by mad norwegians. What should I do?
Sobbingly yours [insert shorter name here] I-am-not-really-a-robber-i-just-needed-a-shovel
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Post by Thorongil on Sept 12, 2004 6:06:33 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
I have a problem. I also have a shovel. And my problem is the shovel. Well, the problem is that people are taking my shovel. Why is it so hard for certain people to leave my shovel alone? *coughVancough* I need my shovel on a daily basis in the Cake Wars, and so I must find a way to keep it safe. Do you have any ideas?
Yours angry, Mad Norwgian Without A Shovel.
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Post by Tahiri the Purple (likes cake) on Sept 14, 2004 16:13:04 GMT -5
dear Jandalf,
i am attempting to use capslock, though I still think its evil. is there any spesific rules on capitolizing that should be followed on the internet, or are we allowed to skip some proper rules?
gamarically wondering,
~person who cant spell
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 14, 2004 17:13:15 GMT -5
Dear I-am-not-really-a-robber-i-just-needed-a-shovel:
I AM GOING TO STOP ANSWERING LETTERS IF THEY COME WITH SUCH LONG NAMES!!! Sigh.
Go to a fishing village, and live out your days in happiness. The Norwegians won't think to look under their very noses, will they?
Specifically Yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Mad Norwegian Without A Shovel:
If you're looking for vengeance, I might direct you to look among the fishing villages. Otherwise, there are these invisible shovels you can purchase that only the owner can actually see. Invisible shovels, of course, will be a lot harder to steal.
Backstabbingly Yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Person who can't spell:
We are all afflicted with some problem or another, and perhaps yours just seems to be spelling. Give it your best shot, tackle the spelling and capital issues, and if it just doesn't work...well, you tried. That's all anyone can ever ask of someone, right?
Capitally Yours,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 14, 2004 17:19:32 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
Are you ignoring my previous letter?
-Annoyed
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 14, 2004 20:23:07 GMT -5
Dear Person Who Really Needs to make herself a Shorter Name, because if she spends all her spare time flaming you she wants to be able to remember the name she used before/Annoyed:
Whoops. Rush of the moment and everything. Limited time today...missed it.
And if you're going to spend all your time babbling about how conceited us Istari are...go ahead. But do it in Saruman's ear. Heh heh.
Yours Sardonically,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Vanacoriel on Sept 14, 2004 23:49:58 GMT -5
Jandalf
I took your advice only to realize the Norwegian was there. Should I give him the shovel and live my days in a fishing village in peace? Or should i chose distruction and mayhem of taking the shovel and continueing to run?
Unsurely yours
[ the short named]
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 17, 2004 16:27:32 GMT -5
Dear [ the short named],
Thank you for going to such great lengths so as not to disturb my mind again with the unnecessarily long names.
As for the fishing villages and shovels...the choice is ultimately up to you. However, here's how I see it:
First choice. You can take the shovel and spend the rest of your days outrunning the wrath of your pursuer. Sure, it might seem like fun for the first couple of years, but after a while you run out of gas money. Especially if you're going to run around in Canada.
Second choice. You can live out the rest of your days in the relative peace and quiet of one of the fishing villages. However, I would wonder if you wouldn't eventually get somewhat bored. Perhaps you should just save that for retirement. Besides, the village people might sense you had an eye for their shovels, and we don't want that, now do we?
My suggestion is to buy your own shovel, remove the price tag, and spend a weekend rubbing sand on it, dragging it through mud and rocks, and generally beating it up. Not only will it look like you own a wonderfully old shovel, you will be able to boast to everyone that you stole it from a Norwegian and they haven't been able to find you since.
Yours Fishily,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 17, 2004 16:29:15 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
Why would I bother Saruman? He doesn't have his own advice colum... heeheehee.
-[put long name here]
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Post by Fëa on Sept 17, 2004 16:56:09 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf-
I have a problem. That's why I'm writing to an advice column thingy. Wow, I is smurt.
Anyway, I'm a stalker. I stalk Ioan Gruffudd ruthlessly, even though I've never actually MET him. The internet and its vast source of knowledge are of no help to me, and I fear that it is plotting against me.
My friend and I even have ideas on how to get rid of his *sob* girlfriend. We're going to make a concentration camp for people we hate. They're all getting pushed into a big work van and carted to the grand canyon by a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds. We're crazy, I told you.
Soo... whatever you do, don't irk me. Or you'll have to go in the van. FEAR THE VAN!
Stalkingly yours, Person-who-wants-to-annoy-you-just-so-you'll-annoy-me-back-and-I-can-put-you-in-the-van
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