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Post by BEHIND YOU!!! on Sept 17, 2004 17:28:51 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
I am not sure why you dislike the long names so, but I will attempt to shorten mine for this return letter. Now, you had several interesting comments...
Firstly: The last time I attempted to go home and rethink myself nearly killed the mentioned Jedi Master's Padawan learner, thus causing a few interesting mishaps on my part, as killing her would've killed me... but that's beside the point. I have attempted to rethink my life, to the point of looking within and actually facing myself, but the 'go home' part is rather difficult as I don't have a real home, or a place to go to. If you were in my place, you might understand. Or not.
Secondly: Plotting something evil? Whyever would you suggest that? I am not open to other suggestions because they all envolve a lot of pain on my part, and the part of another... you don't want THAT, do you?
Thirdly: I've escaped the eyes of the Jedi Master so far, though she knows I'm evil. There's something rather odd about her, as far as I'm concerned. Padawan learners? Yeah, this one has a Padawan... and you suggested I talk to her? I've done that more than once... it wasn't a good idea. At all. She now understands... sort of... what's going on... and that wasn't a good thing.
Fourthly: I can take Agent Smith any day... bring it on.
Thoughtfully, Darth Faded
PS: Know me? Well, you might...
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JediRingbearer
Sithly Elf
Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!curGender[mage]
Posts: 38
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Post by JediRingbearer on Sept 17, 2004 18:35:42 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
I've just lost my spoof/cakey Master in an alternate reality/forum/dimension and I don't know if she'll live! If she dies, I don't know how I'll be able to live with myself...what should I do? Seek revenge on the one who mortally wounded her?
Sincerely, Hyperventalating with anxiety
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 18, 2004 13:03:22 GMT -5
Dear [put long name here]:
Tough luck, eh?
Istarilly Yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Person-who-wants-to-annoy-you-just-so-you'll-annoy-me-back-and-I-can-put-you-in-the-van:
Oooh, is that a THREAT? Never mind the van, though. I think you've got some good ideas here. However, I suggest a few alternatives. Instead of carting all the people you hate to the Grand Canyon for a concentration camp, freeze them in carbonite. You and your friends' consciences will be clearer and you won't actually have to drive and risk getting pulled over by a cop for being underage or whatever. You can still use the van, though, but at your own risk. And when you do actually catch up to Ioan Gruffud, tell me. I want to hug him.
Helpfully yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Darth Faded:
Evidently you have a problem of a major scope on your hands, don't you? I suggest you find a psychiatrist or at least someone that can listen to you vent your difficulties (only verbally, of course). Perhaps you'd be able to talk more easily if it's someone you don't know. If you're interested, I have a psychology minor and am free to talk on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I also suggest you try to find a hobby to take your mind off things for a bit. Like painting or photography or a lightsaber collection or something.
Intuitively yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Hyperventilating with anxiety:
Don't worry. That sort of thing has happened to your spoof/cakey Master before. She's been lost to so many dimensions, she can't even keep count of them anymore. She'll find a way back sooner or later, and you better believe she'll be alive. Well...undead. Because she's already died once or thrice. So take it easy and see what you can do in the meantime.
Ironically yours,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Sept 18, 2004 22:51:43 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
I am writing this letter to you on behalf of a good friend of mine. My friend, Lester the Balrog, who wishes to remain annonymous, has a serious problem.
I will copy his letter and send it to you, since Lester the Annonymous Balrog cannot touch paper without burning it to smithereens. (Being made of fire really takes its toll on poor old Lester.) Be reminded that it was originally written on a stone tablet, in Old Balrogish, so some things may be lost in translation. Thank you.
Lester the Annonymous Balrog's Friend
Dear Jandalf I have a horrible confession. I trust that my dear friend will keep my name a secret, for what I must tell you is incredibly difficult for me to talk about.
I am a Balrog, which means that I am supposed to be a demon of flame and shadow, which consumes and destroys all it touches and leaves nothing but ash and bones. I was perfectly all right with that until a few years ago.
It was as though I just woke up feeling like the good guy. Suddenly I didn't want destroy dwarves; I wanted to read classic literature and grow the world's largest underground Venus Flytrap garden. I didn't want to burn things; I wanted to learn welding techniques and build artistic metal sculpture. (A skill which I have become quite proud of.)I no longer felt the urge to chase travellers across the Bridge of Khazad-dum, I wanted to create a program to help widen the bridge and put in protective handrails, as well as change Moria's staircases into ramps and elevators to make the Mines wheelchair accessible.
Why am I so... unevil? Is it possible to be a GOOD balrog?
Help me, Madame Jandalf. You are my only hope, Unevil Balrog
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Post by Fëa on Sept 19, 2004 9:23:58 GMT -5
Dear Person-who-wants-to-annoy-you-just-so-you'll-annoy-me-back-and-I-can-put-you-in-the-van: Oooh, is that a THREAT? Never mind the van, though. I think you've got some good ideas here. However, I suggest a few alternatives. Instead of carting all the people you hate to the Grand Canyon for a concentration camp, freeze them in carbonite. You and your friends' consciences will be clearer and you won't actually have to drive and risk getting pulled over by a cop for being underage or whatever. You can still use the van, though, but at your own risk. And when you do actually catch up to Ioan Gruffud, tell me. I want to hug him. Helpfully yours, Jandalf the Orange Dear Jandalf, Hmmm.... might you know where I can get some carbonite? I looked under all the rocks in my yard, and we don't have any. I WANT TO PUSH HER OFF THE GRAND CANYON! And by her, I mean Ioan's girl-person. Grr.... She's standing in our way! And no, I will NOT tell you when I meet Ioan. He's mine, and only mine preccioussss.... he can't be contaminated. Carbonite Searching, Person-trying-to-keep-Ioan-from-Jandalf
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 19, 2004 13:29:53 GMT -5
Dear Unevil Balrog, care of Lester the Annonymous Balrog's Friend:
I must say, I have never met a Balrog with such a capacity for deep thought as you. That is probably why you have been faced with this issue, because most ancient demons have lost a lot of brain cells over the centuries and are content with arsoning dwarves and Orcs and the like. Not you, my friend! You are obviously meant for greater things. Read John Milton! Read Shakespeare! Open your mind to the world outside Moria, even if you cannot leave. Get a nice Pentium 4 PC with high-speed internet (a fireproof one) and communicate with people. Showcase your art! Develop this carnivorious green thumb you seem to have! It's quite obvious that Morgoth didn't really think about the Balrogs going independent. You don't have to follow his ways anymore. Be free, sculpt mithril to your heart's content, and if you want to remain anonymous next time give your letter to someone else.
Heartfully yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Person-trying-to-keep-Ioan-from-Jandalf:
I was trying to avoid any animousity...sheesh. Just asking for a little favour. But whatever.
If you want, I can rent out my carbonite-freezing facility. It's relatively portable and should be able to arrive in about two or three weeks. As for Ioan's girl-person...don't push her off the Grand Canyon. You can do better than that. Push her off the CN Tower. It's higher, I think.
Regretfully yours,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 19, 2004 15:52:50 GMT -5
Dear person-trying-to-keep-Ioan-from-Jandalf,
I know that this is not typical, but I believe I have an answer to your problems, in the form of the Pink Bus of Terror. The bus is out and about, and can be rented out for the low sum of-- well, we don't have a sum, as long as you are using it to take out annoying people. Such as girlfriends of known actors. Plus it comes with a built in carbonite unit!!!!!
Contact me through this colum if interested,
-Person-with-a-bus
And...
Dear Jandalf,
This is Anakin! HELP ME!!! TIANA... well... I THINK it's Tiana... has locked me on top of the Jedi Temple with a very mad Jedi Master and a Sith. PLEASE HELP ME, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I THOUGHT THAT I COULD GET HELP!!!!
In dire need of asistance, Anakin Skywalker
And, of course...
Dear Jandalf,
This is the person with a long name. I'm merely sending another letter to warn you that I'm turning darkside.
Cheers,
Your darkside Padawan
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 20, 2004 21:51:24 GMT -5
(glares) EXCUSE ME?? I'm trying to run a monopoly here. You Padawans just make it that much more difficult...sigh. Now, where were we?
Dear Anakin Skywalker:
Holy cow. How on earth did you get me this letter? Er...never mind that. I'll send Gwaihir and you can jump out the window onto his back. How does that sound?
Yours astonishingly,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear dark side Padawan,
(shakes fist) Why are you clogging up my mailbox?! You must have turned, if only for that reason. I already knew you were turning dark. Sigh.
Yours for how much longer,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 20, 2004 23:56:32 GMT -5
((OOC: If my letters are annoying you, I will stop.... but this is SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!!!))
Dear Jandalf,
I used a paper airplane! THANK YOU!!!!! PLEASE DO SEND THE EAGLES!!!!!!!
HEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
Yours happily, (and still in need of help) Anakin Skywalker
You're so sure I'm a Padawan, Jandalf? I was merely trying to be of assistance to the Ioan fan-girl!
I'm not sure where you were, And, the name's Lara'li
P.S.: I believe you have something that belongs to me...
Dear Jandalf, But I'm having FUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN clogging up your mailbox. And you only knew I was turning dark because of LotG. *mutter* Ungrateful masters. They're so MMEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours until Shadow decides she doesn't mind being a lightsider on here, -Your not QUITE darkside Padawan
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 21, 2004 12:54:08 GMT -5
((Heehee...sure, keep it up! It's fun on this end, too...*snicker*))
Dear Anakin Skywalker:
Okay, Gwaihir should be there within three hours. Hang tight!
Helpfully yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Hmm...I think I'll just ignore that middle one...
Dear Padawan who apparently claims not to be turning dark:
Bah.
Sincerely,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 21, 2004 16:28:14 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
THHAAANNNNKKK YYYOOOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *waits patently*
Yours happily/gratefully/etc,
Anakin Skywalker
Dear Jandalf who apparently seems to be thinking 'yeah right',
Bah yourself.
I observed that you didn't say "Your's whatever". Is that meant to be foreboding?
Not exactly sincerely,
-Your darkside Padawan
Dear Jandalf,
So, you're ignoring me, are you? We will meet again, just you wait...
-Lara'li
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 22, 2004 15:09:16 GMT -5
Dear Anakin Skywalker,
Gwaihir informed me over his cell phone that he should be there within the hour. And it was my pleasure.
Advicefully yours, (and I don't care that that isn't a word)
Jandalf the Orange
Dear dark side Padawan,
I'm not the one here that's gifted with foreboding.
Sticking around,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Lara'li,
What was that? I couldn't hear you over my robe. Heh heh.
Still here,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 22, 2004 17:17:56 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf, I'M ALLLIIIIIVVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *sings* THANK YOU!!!!!!!! Holding on for dear life, Anakin Skywalker
Dear Jandalf,
Are you implying something? (It's Shadow who can see the future, not me, if you forgot)
Annoyingly, Tiana
Dear Jandalf the Orange, (or is that Jethine I'm talking to now?)
You know what it was I said. And we WILL meet again too.
Here too,
Lara'li
PS: Your Old Terran handwriting needs some work-- stick to Aurebesh.
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Cenerue
Agent of Gondor
Wolfie LovercurGender[elf]
Posts: 186
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Post by Cenerue on Sept 23, 2004 13:24:03 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf:
I'm having terrible trouble with my boyfriend. It seems on nights of the full moon he turns into an animal and runs off all night howling and growling!!!
What on earth should I do? Jandalf please help me, you're my only hope!
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 24, 2004 16:34:24 GMT -5
Dear Anakin Skywalker,
Anytime.
Sincerely,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Tiana,
I actually wasn't implicating anything. You know me. Heh.
Irritatingly,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Lara'li,
Yeah, I know. But you're the one with the bad Old Terran handwriting.
Ever yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Anonymous Letter-Person,
Dear, me. It sounds like you've got an issue. I suggest you get the Yuuzhan Vong to snare the moon and break it out of orbit. Then we won't have this lycanthrope problem any longer, for not only your boyfriend but thousands of werewolf sufferers globally.
Gravitically yours,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Sept 28, 2004 16:14:35 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
Anakin again. I'm finally safe... for the time... I don't know what's gotten into that girl over there! Oh well, THANKS!
Thankfully yours,
Anakin Skywalker
Oh, you weren't, were you? Yes, I know you... groan. Hey, did you have anything to do with Anakin's escape from the top of the Jedi Temple?
Annoyed,
Tiana
Dear Jandalf,
I'm... INSULTED! At least my handwriting is ledgible... even if it isn't Aurebesh or Elvish. But how do you know what my handwriting looks like... I'm typing!
Not exactly yours,
Lara'li
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 28, 2004 19:03:26 GMT -5
Dear Anakin Skywalker,
Yeah, I think you said that already...are you going to keep wasting paper? No offense or anything, but that's my job.
Still sincerely,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Tiana,
(innocent eyes) Nooooooooooooooooooo...why do you ask? Was it the big eagle that tipped you off?
Fleetingly yours,
Jandalf the Orange
Dear Lara'li,
That's okay. People get insulted on a regular basis in life, so I don't really feel that bad about it. And...I have seen your handwriting before. (tsks)
Legibly yours,
Jandalf the Orange
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Post by Tiana, eh? on Oct 19, 2004 19:18:26 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf,
WORD!!!!!!!
Annoyingly,
Anakin Skywalker
PS: WORD
Dear Jandalf,
Yeah... the big eagle. Heh. No, it was the orange smoke, actually... Just thought I'd let you know I'm turning back to the lightside. Inform your dear Master that I hold no parental relationship to him, and am not treating him as my father considering he was using me-- his daughter-- to blackmail his Padawan. Snicker.
Still annoyed, Your Padawan, Tiana Elass-Skywalker
Jandalf,
Maybe you have seen my handwriting-- and because of that you should know that it's ledgable. I still have yet to see your handwriting, however.
-Lara'li
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Post by Forca the returning on Oct 23, 2004 12:45:19 GMT -5
Dear Jandalf the Orange:
I am writing on behalf of a troubled Jedi Master. She does not believe herself capable of training a Padawan. I heard her mention something about a crash course for Jedi Masters, but I don't have any ideas for her, nor is it my place to give such ideas. Please help.
Beggingly Yours, the-padawan-of-said-master-who-hopes-her-Master-does-not-find-out-her-padawan-wrote-this-letter
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Post by Jandalf on Toast on Oct 23, 2004 13:10:28 GMT -5
Dear Padawan-of-said-master-who-hopes-her-Master-does-not-find-out-her-padawan-wrote-this-letter,
Argh. Another long name. Ah, well.
Actually, when I got my Padawan, I was in the same place as your Master is now. Hadn't a clue. But this crash course thing really works. Give her a little time, and she'll work things out. Maybe you can refer her to me for a few tips...if she ISN'T WHO I THINK SHE IS. (coughmyPadawancough)
If you have any more questions, feel free to post 'em.
Yours masterfully,
Jandalf the Orange
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