Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 22, 2004 21:29:47 GMT -5
All right, people...here's where you get to share your favourite (clean) jokes! Or whatever that is funny! I'll start us off.
There were three candidates for a position as a police officer. They were brought in to the station so the chief could get them to remark on the identifying qualities of a picture of a suspect, which is a profile shot. The chief brings in the first guy, shows him the profile, and asks: "Can you tell me anything about this man?"
The candidate stares at the picture for a long time, and finally responds, "He's only got one ear."
Disgusted, the chief shoves the guy out and gets the next one in to show him the profile shot. "Can you tell me anything about this man?"
The second candidate mulls it over for a long time, scratching his head and tapping his chin before responding: "Yeah...the guy has only one ear."
By this time the chief is really peeved, and shoves the second candidate out. He brings the last one in, shows him the picture, and says, somewhat moodily, "Can you tell me anything about this man?"
The third candidate looks hard at the picture before responding. "He's wearing contacts."
The chief is astounded. "Well...that's right. But how did you know?"
The candidate shrugs. "That's easy. He couldn't be wearing glasses--he's only got one ear."
Post by Jandalf on Toast on Sept 25, 2004 12:53:23 GMT -5
About blonde jokes...I'm going to allow the more decent ones, as long as it's okay with everyone. If you don't want blonde jokes to show up at all, SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE!!
That said, here's another.
President Bush is walking through an airport with a team of his Secret Service guys when he spots an old man with a long frizzy white beard, tattered old robes, and a walking stick standing in the middle of the hall, staring off absently through the wall. Bush walks up to him and says, "Hey there, don't I know you?"
The old man gives no response, doesn't even blink, just keeps staring off into space.
Bush says a bit more loudly: "Excuse me. I think I've seen you somewhere. Aren't you Moses?"
Again, no response of any kind.
One of the Secret Service people comes up and says, "Listen, buddy, this is the President. When he asks you a question, you answer it."
Moses looks at the Secret Service guy. "Well, the last time I talked to a bush, I had to wander the desert for forty years."
Post by Master Warious on Sept 29, 2004 14:20:01 GMT -5
*snrk* I've heard that one before...except that I'm voting for him in two months...Heres one of the ones my dad sent me.
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Post by The Emperor Reborn on Oct 28, 2004 21:34:05 GMT -5
Hee-Hee Okay heres one of my favorite blond jokes. Three blonds and a brunette are hanging over a river full of alligators.The brunette says she'll risk her life to save the blonds and the blonds start clapping! Hee Hee
Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks. I am not trying to rob you... I'm trying to kill you!
Frodo and Sam are in Lothlorien at night, just about to go to sleep. Suddenly, Frodo turns to Sam and says- "Sam, look up. What do you see?"
Sam thinks for a moment, then turns to Frodo and says- "Master, I see the stars in the heavens. They seem to be a never-ending map of heavens. They are infinite, shrouded in mystery, beautiful and amazing to behold, and far too complex for a young hobbit such as myself to fully comprehend.
And Frodo replies- "Sam, you fool, someone stole our tent!!
Gimli walked into a bar and sat down next to an elf. He proudly introduced himself - "I'm Gimli. I have the eyes of an eagle and the ears of a fox!
The elf bought him an ale and they had a nice chat. After a while the elf got a bit drunk and decided to leave.
"It was interesting to get to know you, dwarf" - he said. "You really live up to that name of yours.." Gimli felt quite good hearing that. As the elf wabbled out Gimli could hear him laugh to himself.- "Gilmore. I have the brain of a seagull and the tail of a fox in my face... Must remember that!"
One day Grima Wormtongue is walking along the road when he trips on a rock. He kicks it, and out pops a powerful Maia from the First Age!
The Maia says to him, "I will grant you three wishes, but choose wisely." Grima thinks for a second and says, "I wish to be the richest being alive." The Maia nods, and suddenly he is surrounded by heaps of jewels and gold and silver.
Grima smiles a wicked smile and says, " I wish to be the wisest being in the world." The Maia nods and gifts him with lore greater then Saruman.
Then Grima says, "Finally, I wish to be totally irresistible to women." And the Maia turns him into Legolas.
Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Nov 2, 2004 14:38:58 GMT -5
Okay, here's one I love to taunt people with. See if you can figure it out.
"King Ozymandias is long gone. Take three steps towards the site of his grave. The first stands for thinking, The second lies above your thoughts, And the third is always coming but never here. Now tell me, Why was the king buried in a copper coffin?"
There you go. Not funny, but I'll bet you won't figure it out.
I walk the earth, I touch the skies. I am angel, in your eyes. ~El Pendulo
I have no idea about that one, lol...oh well, I'm not good with riddles anyway.
Merry and Pippin are at night-camp. Merry comes back from the dark forest and finds Pippin tied up to a tree. A bunch of orcs are sitting by the fire.
Merry stops- "Pip, what the mushrooms is going on here? All I said was that I'll be right back, stay tight, clean and pile our plates and forks..."
Pippin looks up, quite happy and answers- "OH! That's it! I thought you said I'll be right back, meanwhile invite our mates the orcs..."
An orc captain was marching his entire army to attack Rivendell, they were passing an old abandoned city when they heard a voice within the ancient city's walls:
"One Elf is better than ten orc soldiers!"
The captain was enraged and immediately sent ten of his best troops over the walls while the remainder of the company waited outside. Then came the sound of a terrific fight going on, soon all was quiet. Then the voice spoke again:
"One Elven soldier is better than a hundred orc soldiers!"
Well, the captain sent hundred of his best men over the walls. Soon came the sounds of fight and then silence. The voice spoke up again:
"One Elven soldier is better than a thousand orc soldiers!"
The captain was furious. He immediately sent the remainder of his troops over the walls save only himself. There came the sound of a fierce battle, and then silence followed by the sound of an elf laughing. Finally, one lone orc stumbled back from the battle and collapsed at the captains feet. "Speak! What happened?" asked the captain.
The soldier replied with his last breath. "It....was..a trap..there's...TWO...of...them..."
Post by Lady Maeggaladiel on Nov 5, 2004 11:01:03 GMT -5
Okay, here's the answer. No, it wasn't Middle-earth related, but I think it's a cool riddle.
"The king is long gone. Take three steps to the site of his grave. The first stands for thinking, The second lies above your thoughts, And the third is something that is always coming but is never here. Now tell me, why was the king buried in a copper coffin?"
The answer: BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD. Hee hee.
I walk the earth, I touch the skies. I am angel, in your eyes. ~El Pendulo