Mr. Jodo and the Lord of the Bounty Hunting

[Chryseis]

I'd like to let it be known that I'm completely new to message boards in general, and I'm learning as I go....

This was my first published Star Wars fanfiction. Its proper name is "The Lord of the Bounty Hunting Part 1: The Extremely Temporary Partnership of the Bounty Hunting." But since that's a mouthful, I like to call it "Mr. Jodo and the Lord of the Bounty Hunting."

This is obviously a parody spoof in which ten or so bounty hunters from Star Wars reenact the Lord of the Rings story. Their quest is to destroy the One DVD of Episode III before the Flanneled One destroys all continuity forever.

Since I'm a Crazed Fettie (tm) this story is chock-full of references from movies, books, and comic books. That means that no one is expected to get all the jokes (unless they've devoted their every waking moment to the study of all things Fett.)

The entire story is finished, but I probably won't post it all in one day.

With that in mind, enjoy!

Reviews

[Chryseis]

Chapter 1: Concerning Bounty Hunters

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, in a hole in the ground, there hid a bounty hunter.

Okay, two bounty hunters. Jodo Kast, the self-proclaimed Best Bounty Hunter In The Galaxy, and his companion, Greedo.

"Jodo," the Rodian moaned, "why don’t you just give it to them?"

The armor-clad human scowled. "Greedo, you fool, don’t you realize what it is we have here? This is an unlabeled DVD, stolen from Skywalker Ranch. There’s no knowing what treasure is written on it! It could be interviews, cut scenes, the lost episode of the Droids cartoon! It could even be the Holiday Special!"

"But Mr. Jodo," Greedo wailed, "those Ewoks are going to kill us! They think the DVD is a message from their gold-plated god! I don't want to die!"

"I don't care! There are some things more important than life, and money is one of them! Can you imagine the bounty we could get from this?"

"This is insane!" Greedo muttered. "You're insane!"

"Quiet! I think the Ewoks have left. Let's get out of here while we still have the chance."

The two bounty hunters slipped out of the hole and scurried back to their hideout, looking around nervously to make sure they weren't being followed. Greedo pulled the door shut behind them and sighed in relief. "I'm glad we got away from them, Mr. Jodo. Now I can rest--" His black eyes bugged out even more than usual. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kast whirled around to see a tall, spindly assassin droid standing in the middle of the room. He pulled out his blaster rifle and aimed it for the dead center of IG-88's chest.

" Don't shoot," the droid said in a mechanical voice. "I mean you no harm."

"What do you mean, you mean us no harm?" Kast asked skeptically. " Don't tell me you've been reprogrammed again."

"I come here on a mission from Cradossk's guild," IG-88 recited. "You have in your possession an object of utmost power."

"If you mean the DVD," Kast said angrily, "you're not going to get it."

"That DVD is not what you think it is," the droid continued.

"What is it then?" Kast demanded.

"The answer to that question," IG-88 said, "can only be revealed in a DVD player."

"Greedo, you got a DVD player?" Kast asked.

"No, Mr. Jodo. Just a VCR."

"My system is equipped with a DVD player," IG-88 told them.

"How stupid do you think I am?" Kast demanded. He sighed in frustration. "Fine, play it for us. But if you try anything funny, I'll shoot you."

The assassin droid popped the DVD into a little slit on the front of his chest. There was a whirring sound, and light was projected onto the wall. Kast tapped his foot on the floor impatiently, until words began to scroll down the wall.

STAR WARS EPISODE III: [CENSORED]

Kast's eyes bugged out. IG-88 quickly shut off his DVD player and pulled out the disk.

"Play the rest of it!" Kast shouted frantically.

"The One DVD is an object of terrible evil," IG-88 said in a monotone. "It has the ability to tempt mortals into watching it forever, until they are mere slaves of the Flanneled One's mind."

"Play the rest of it!"

"No, Jodo Kast. Your mind has already been twisted by its power. You may not recover if given a second viewing."

"I don't get it," Greedo said. "Why aren't you stealing the DVD from us?"

"This DVD is of utmost importance to bounty hunters everywhere. If the Flanneled One regains it and releases it unedited to the public, the histories of many hunters could be changed forever."

"Why should I care?" Kast muttered. "I'm never going to make it into a movie, anyway. They can't change MY past."

"I'm in the movies!" Greedo wailed. "They could make me out to be an idiot! Or a coward! Or worse yet, they could make it look like I shot first!"

"That is why the DVD must never fall into his hands," IG-88 continued. "It must be taken to Cradossk's guild immediately and hidden from the Flanneled One's eyes, until we can decide what to do with it. You, Jodo Kast, have been chosen to deliver it."

"How much will you pay me?" Kast asked greedily.

"You can ask Cradossk that when you reach the Guild."

Kast sighed. "What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Get off Endor as soon as possible. Take a shuttle to Tatooine. I will be waiting for you in the Mos Eisley Cantina. From there, we will continue the quest together."

"You mean you aren't coming with us right now?" Greedo asked in dismay.

IG-88 swiveled his cylindrical head. "I have a little hunting of my own to do first."

Greedo hurried to the door and opened it for the assassin droid. "Listen closely," IG-88 said quietly.

"Yes?"

" Don't you lose him, Greedo. If you do, Jodo Kast will immediately sell the One DVD to the highest bidder. If that happens, you will have a bounty on your own head."

Greedo gulped. "Yes sir!"

IG-88 stepped out the door. One last threat escaped his voice synthesizer: "Keep it secret! Keep it safe!"

[Chryseis]

Chapter 2: Rantings in the Dark

"Episssssode III, my Precious! They've stolen my Preciousssss...."

"Shut up," Boba Fett said viciously, and kicked the Fanboy tied to the end of the fibercord emerging from his gauntlet.

It whimpered and shrunk away, then started ranting again. "Epissssode III...birth of Vader, my preciousssss...Republic falls...Sifo Dyas revealed to be--"

"Shut up!" Fett snarled, louder this time. "I don't want to hear about it." He and IG-88 had been tracking the Deranged Fanboy for months now, ever since they had found out about its connection to the One DVD. Evidently, the Fanboy had been unfortunate enough to view the film in its entirety, and had been driven mad by the sheer absence of continuity with the EU.

Fett had used all his skills to track down the Deranged Fanboy. Now he had to use all of his willpower not to kill it. They still needed it for questioning. For now, he was taking it to Dengar, who had been assigned to guard it.

"My preciousssss...Episssode III...death of Mace--"

Fett perked up. "What was that?"

The Fanboy whirled around to look at the Mandalorian warrior. "Windu...Jedi massster...very unexpected...killed by...." Its bloodshot, hungry eyes widened in recognition. "It issss him! The Bounty Hunter! God of fanboysss everywhere! My PRECIOUSSSS!"

Fett blinked. Okay....

"BOBA FETT!" the Fanboy screamed. "Object of worsship! Adoration! Must have piece of Boba Fett, my Precioussss!" It lunged towards him. Fett jumped back, just in time to avoid the Fanboy, who was foaming at the mouth. "Give me jetpack!" it screamed.

"No."

"JETPACK!"

Fett pointed a finger at the Fanboy in an scolding gesture. "Now listen here--"

"MUSSST HAVE PIECE OF BOBA FETT!" The Deranged Fanboy opened its mouth and latched onto the bounty hunter's hand.

Fett stifled a cry of pain. "Why you little--!" He tried to pry it off of him, but it refused to budge.

"Boba Fett's finger, my Preciousss...." it mumbled, despite the foreign object in its mouth. "Invaluable part of every Fanboy'sss collection...."

Fett used his free hand to pull out his blaster rifle. With a twinge of regret, he remembered that he wasn't allowed to disintegrate the Fanboy. Finally he used the butt of the rifle to beat the Fanboy over the head. It let go, moaning, and started rolling around on the ground.

Fett inspected his hand disdainfully, noting the blood there. Time for the annual rabies shot, I suppose. He kicked the Fanboy. "Get moving! I've got an appointment to keep."

The Fanboy hopped along the ground, its knuckles dragging. "Episssode III, my Preciousss...interesssting thingsss happening to Boba Fett...."

The bounty hunter turned around and shot the Fanboy a lethal glance, the same that had silenced countless lesser lifeforms before him. With a whimper, the Fanboy shuffled after its famous captor.

[Chryseis]

WARNING: There is a single, very small, very brief drug reference in this chapter. If anyone is offended by it, I am deeply sorry. It's all meant in good fun. (And if it turns out we have any young, impressionable readers visiting this site, please tell me and I'll edit the story right away.)

Chapter 3: A Shortcut to Bounty Hunters

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo shouted frantically, having lost sight of his companion. He dashed through the trees. "Mr. Jodo!"

"I'm right here, you idiot," Kast said, stopping. "What's wrong with you?"

"It's just what IG-88 told me. 'Don't you lose him, Greedo.'"

Kast raised an eyebrow, even though Greedo couldn't see it. "Why would he say that?"

"Never mind!" Greedo said quickly. Suddenly, the bushes parted and a quickly-running armored figure crashed into Greedo, knocking him to the ground. A droid ran into Kast, and he pushed it over angrily.

Greedo stood up dizzily. "Boussh and 4-LOM! Never trust a droid and an Ubese--"

Boussh was indignant. "Quioto! Quioto!"

"Boba Fett!" 4-LOM said in surprise. "What are you doing on Endor?"

"None of your business," Kast said. "Now tell me what you're doing, or I might just have to shoot you."

"We are running from the Ewoks," 4-LOM said.

"And why would that be?"

"We have just stolen some hallucinogenic weeds from them which we intend to sell on the black market."

Boussh nodded furiously. "Quioto, quioto!" He shoved a pile of greenery into Greedo's hands.

The Rodian looked at the plants for a moment, until he realized that everyone else was running away and an angry herd of Ewoks was coming towards him. He screamed in terror and took off after the others. Too late, he realized that they had stopped, and he crashed into them. All four went tumbling down the side of a hill.

"You idiots!" Kast shouted. "Look what you've done! I just washed this armor!"

4-LOM held up his hands, begging for mercy. "Please do not shoot us, Boba Fett! We are terribly sorry!"

"Quioto!" Boussh said. "Quioto!"

The droid looked at him skeptically. "Shortcut to what?"

"Quioto!"

"Oh."

"But Mr. Jodo," Greedo whispered, stepping up to his companion's side, "you aren't Boba Fett."

Kast nodded. "But they don't know that." He looked up, feeling something amiss. His eyes widened. "Get off the road! GET OFF THE ROAD!"

The four bounty hunters hid in the bushes, waiting in horror. Moments later, a reptilian creature astride a Kaadu came riding past them. It paused in front of their hiding place. "Mesa thinkin'," it murmured to itself, "that this One DVD must be hidin' somewhere nearby. But mesa not seein' it nowhere!" It rode off.

The bounty hunters sighed in relief. Greedo shuddered, noticing that even the insects in the ground had fled from the monstrosity.

"What was that?" Kast exclaimed.

"Some creature of the Prequels, no doubt," 4-LOM said. "Probably a servant of the Flanneled One. But why would it be looking here?" The droid turned to look at Kast, as did its Ubese companion.

"Quioto, quioto," Boussh said suspiciously.

"Yes," 4-LOM agreed. "Is there something you'd like to tell us, Fett?"

Kast nodded ferociously. "There are more of them coming! RUN!"

They raced through the trees, dodging more and more of the Kaadu-riding terrors. "Quick!" 4-LOM shouted at them. "I have a ship waiting for us! This way!"

[Chryseis]

Chapter 4: At the Sign of the Mos Eisley Cantina

Shaking the sand from his boots disdainfully, Jodo Kast banged on the door of the Mos Eisley Cantina. The sooner we meet up with IG-88, he thought to himself, the sooner I can deliver this DVD and get paid.

The door opened a crack. A massive, humanoid creature stared out at them, then shut the door again. Kast banged again, and the door opened. "You'd better let us in," he threatened.

"Why should Tork let you in?" the bouncer said in a guttural voice.

Kast stuck his blaster rifle in the bouncer's face. "Is this a good enough reason?"

The bounty hunters wandered up to the edge of the bar. "What do you want?" Wuher asked grouchily.

"We're looking for someone," Kast said. "IG-88."

"Oh, yes, I remember him. Tall, spindly assassin droid with a big gun." He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I haven't seen him for days."

Kast turned back to the others. "What are we going to do?" Greedo asked.

"Stay here," 4-LOM suggested. "Maybe IG-88 is just running late."

" Do you have any spare rooms we can rent?" Kast asked the bartender.

"Yes, of course, I can get you a room. Mr...."

"Fett," Kast said in a menacing tone. "Boba Fett. So make it snappy!"

A few minutes later, the bounty hunters were sitting down at a table, drinking away. "You surprise me, Fett," 4-LOM said. "I thought you did not drink."

"Of course I drink," Kast said angrily. "All men drink!"

"Mr. Jodo," Greedo whispered. "There's somebody staring at you!"

Kast waved his hand. "Hey, Wuher, get over here, NOW!" The bartender hurried to his side. "Who's that odd-looking man in the corner?"

Wuher shrugged. "He's one of them mercenaries. Dangerous folk, I say. I don't rightly know his real name, but around here, he's called Madak."

"Madak," Kast murmured thoughtfully. He watched the figure curiously. The man was clad only in an array of bandages, covering every part of his body but his eyes. He puffed away at a death stick, and the light illuminated his chocolate-brown, yet menacing eyes.

Meanwhile, Boussh had wandered to another table and was having a conversation with a Devaronian and an Aqualish. "Quioto, quioto," he told them.

Kast's eyes went wide. "Boussh, you fool!" he shouted, and ran towards the other bounty hunter. On his way there, he tripped, sprawling under the table. Somehow, the One DVD came out of his pocket, the case opening up. The DVD popped out of its holder and ended up on his finger. He stared at it in surprise, looking at all the pretty colors. "Oooh," he murmured.

There is no life without Star Wars, it told him. Only...reality....

Suddenly, a hand grabbed Kast's shoulder and jerked him to his feet. He looked up in surprise to see Madak glaring at him. "You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Fett." He pushed the Mandalorian armor-clad figure up the stairs and threw him into a room.

"Are you frightened?" he asked.

Kast shook his head. "Boba Fett fears nothing."

Madak pulled out a blaster rifle. "Are you frightened now?"

Kast nodded ferociously. "Not nearly frightened enough," Madak continued. "Otherwise, you wouldn't have come to this cantina." He held his rifle across his bandaged chest like it was a baby. "That is no mere movie you carry."

The other bounty hunters burst into the room, Greedo brandishing a long, fluorescent lightbulb. "Stay back or I'll have you, Shorty!"

Madak blinked and considered shooting the Rodian, then decided against it. "You have a stout heart, little Rodian. But that will not save you. Not with what's coming."

"What's coming?" Greedo squeaked, suddenly frightened.

"More Kaadu-riders, servants of the Flanneled One," Madak said in a low voice. "They seek the One DVD."

4-LOM and Boussh turned to stare at Kast. "So you do have it!"

"I can fight them off," Kast said confidently. "Boba Fett is never defeated."

Madak raised an eyebrow. "I would gladly leave you here to fight them alone, but I cannot allow the DVD to fall into the hands of the enemy. You must go to Cradossk's Guild immediately!"

"What if I refuse?"

"Then," Madak said cooly, "I'll shoot you and take the DVD to Cradossk myself." He nodded towards the door. "Let's get moving."

"You know," Greedo said sheepishly, "those death sticks really aren't good for you."

Madak turned his penetrating gaze towards the Rodian. "That was not a real death stick. It merely added atmosphere to my entrance." He herded the bounty hunters towards the door. "I do not drink, or indulge in other drugs. They are an insult to the flesh."

"What kind of health-conscious freak are you?" Kast demanded.

Madak pulled out his blaster rifle again, and Kast hurried out the door.

[Chryseis]

Chapter 5: A Gungan in the Dark

"Are we there yet?" Greedo whined. Madak waved his blaster rifle, and the Rodian quieted.

"How do we know we can trust this Madak?" 4-LOM asked Kast.

Kast shook his head. "It looks like we have no other choice. It's obvious that I could defeat him in combat, but I'd rather not waste any power in my blaster rifle."

"Wise decision, Fett," the droid said. "As wise as that of a Jedi Master. Have you ever considered joining the Jedi ranks?"

Kast stared. "Uh, no."

"I was once like you," 4-LOM said. "And then I saw the light. Now I am a full-fledged Jedi."

"I didn't know droids could be Jedi," Kast said.

4-LOM looked at him curiously. "I am not a droid. I am a Jedi."

"Okaaay...."

"There it is," Madak said suddenly. "The ruins of the old Guild. We will rest here tonight. Tomorrow we can continue on our journey." They climbed into the ruins and set down their bags. "Stay here and keep quiet," Madak told them. "I'm going scouting." He looked at Kast threateningly. "If you even think about running off with the DVD, I will personally hunt you down."

Kast muttered under his breath angrily as the mercenary strode off. "Who does he think he is?" He lay down on his sleeping mat. "I'm the best bounty hunter in the galaxy," he murmured, drifting off to sleep. "No one can talk to me like that...."

He awoke a good while later to see the other three bounty hunters huddled around some kind of glowing crystal. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed in horror.

"Showing the others how to construct a lightsaber," 4-LOM said proudly.

"We saved some parts for you, Mr. Jodo," Greedo added.

"Put it out, you fools!" Kast cried frantically. He kicked at the crystal, and it bounced off Boussh's helmet.

"Quioto, quioto!" the Ubese said indignantly, and his voice echoed off the hills.

"You've drawn the Kaadu-riders to our camp, you idiots!" Kast shouted at them. "Run!"

The four bounty hunters hurried to the center of the ruins. Seeing themselves surrounded, they stood back to back, terrified, as the monsters approached them.

"Wesa thinkin' yousa had better be givin' da DVD to us," the Kaadu-riders said in unison. "Or yousa gonna be bantha poodoo."

Greedo picked up a stick and jabbed it at them. "Back you devils!" They trampled him without a second thought. Boussh and 4-LOM leapt forward, appearing to be brave, but actually trying to dive between the Kaadu's legs. They were similarly trampled. Soon Kast was the only one remaining. He tried to run backwards, but tripped and ended up scrambling across the ground. Much to his dismay, he ended up trapped against a wall.

"Mesa da King of da Kaadu-riders," one of them said, riding up to him. He reached towards Kast, lost his balance, and fell off of his reptillian mount with a squeal of surprise. Shaking himself off as if nothing had happened, the frightening apparition stood up and began to stride towards Kast, who was huddled against the wall in terror. "Now mesa gonna annoy you into submission." He leaned towards the bounty hunter....

"Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kast shrieked in anguish. "NOOOOO!!!!!!"

Suddenly, a bandaged-wrapped figure jumped in front of him, brandishing an EE-3 blaster rifle. Kast watched deliriously as Madak fought off the Kaadu-riders, demonstrating his mind-boggling skill. Every shot he made was dead-on, bring down one of the dark monsters. Finally, every one of the Kaadu-riders fled into the night.

Madak looked down at Kast, who was shaking uncontrollably and mumbling incoherent phrases under his breath.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo shouted in alarm. "Uh, I mean, Mr. Boba! Is he going to be okay?"

"He's been driven temporarily insane by the powers of the Kaadu-riders," Madak told the bounty hunters. "If his mind isn't purged quickly, he'll become just like the Deranged Fanboy."

"Help him!" Greedo cried frantically.

"We have to get him to Cradossk's Guild," Madak said grimly. "It's the nearest place with a bacta tank. Hurry!" He lifted Kast into his arms and took off running.

[Chryseis]

Chapter 6: Many Meetings (Between Bounty Hunters)

Jodo Kast opened up his eyes and was nearly blinded by the brilliant sunshine. "Haarrlll...hurrggl...heeeenn...." He sat up suddenly. "Where am I?"

"You're in Cradossk's Guild, Jodo Kast," IG-88 told him.

"Where have you been?" Kast demanded angrily.

"I was delayed," the assassin droid said vaguely.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo shouted happily, running into the room. He pulled the human out of the bed and drug him out the door, where he was greeted by 4-LOM and Boussh. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it," Greedo said lovingly, and held Kast’s hand.

Kast wanted to puke.

Meanwhile, IG-88 had gone to meet with Cradossk. "I fear that there is little hope of keeping the One DVD from the Flanneled One," the droid said. "This may mean the end of all bounty hunters everywhere."

They looked out the window, seeing the new arrivals to the Guild. First was Cradossk's son, Bossk, looking arrogant as usual. A few moments later, they spied the Punishing One on the landing pad. Dengar stepped out of it, putting a hand up to toss his beautiful golden locks--then he remembered he didn't have any. He frowned in annoyance when he didn't hear fangirls sighing.

Zuckuss and his short-statured Gand tribe were last to arrive. Not him, Cradossk thought in dismay. The last time he had one of his fits, he thought he was Darth Vader and ran around hitting people with a stick and trying to Force-choke them.

Cradossk nodded grimly, getting back to the conversation. "If more bounty hunters would start working together, all this could be prevented. But our people are scattered, divided."

"There is one who could unite us," IG-88 suggested, "if only by sheer power and influence."

"They wouldn't follow him," Cradossk said in disgust. "Too many of them are complete idiots. Especially that Greedo character...."

"We could try it," IG-88 insisted.

The Trandoshan sighed. "I'll have a talk with him."

Meanwhile, Cradossk's only surviving child, the bounty hunter Bossk, wandered through the "museum," searching for something of interest. Finally he found it, when he spied a bandaged man sitting in the corner. "You're no bounty hunter," he said disdainfully. "At least not one I've seen before."

"All mercenaries are welcome here," Madak said simply.

Bossk snarled and turned away, continuing to wander. "The Shards of Westar 34!" he exclaimed in surprise. He hurried over to the broken pieces, holding one of them in his hands. "These are the blaster pistols that...." He paused. "I don't think they did much of anything. They certainly didn't do any good for their owner, now did they?"

Madak glared at him silently.

"Ah, but they're only a broken heirloom!" Bossk said, throwing down the pieces, which had been cut in half by a lightsaber. They clattered to the floor. "And one of a family far less grand than mine." He strode haughtily down the hallway.

Madak stood up and rearranged the exhibit. Idiot, he thought in annoyance.

Suddenly, an arrow from a bowcaster came whizzing through the air, and he had to dive to the ground to avoid it. He looked up to see that the arrow had lodged itself in the wall. There was a note wrapped around it.

Meet me on the bridge in ten minutes. You'll be glad you did. I have a proposal for you, one you'll have a hard time refusing.

Madak narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Nevertheless, he changed into his armor and hurried to the bridge, holding his blaster rifle at the ready. A figure shrouded in a heavy black robe stepped towards him, and he waited. The figure removed the robe....

"Not you!" he exclaimed in dismay.

"Oh, Bo," the hideously ugly dancing girl sighed, "I've been searching all over the galaxy for you. When I heard that you were here, I just had to come."

"You shouldn't have," Madak said in annoyance.

"Oh, I had to!" Rystall ran towards him, her arms open, and he backed away. "What's wrong, Bo?"

"I told you to stay away from me," he said in a low voice.

"But why? Don't you love me?"

"No."

She fought back tears. "But Bo, I thought we were soul mates!"

"What gave you that idea?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ever since..." she sobbed, "...you tapped me on the chin.... Why would you have tapped me on the chin if you didn't love me?"

Madak considered it carefully. In reality, he wasn’t sure why he had done it. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. And besides, he had never really touched a woman before. It had been an interesting experience.

"It was the power of Special Edition," he told her. "The temptation was very strong, and I thought I could get away with being out of character just once."

Rystall threw herself onto him. "Oh, Bo, I love you!"

"I know what you're thinking, and I can respond to it in seven words." He gazed at her in annoyance. "Sex between those not married," said Madak, "is immoral."

"Bo, you can't really mean that!"

"Yes, I can."

"But we were in love!"

Madak considered shooting her on the spot, then remembered that unless she had a bounty on her head, it would be immoral. I could put a bounty on her, he thought desperately, and then collect it myself....

"Take off your helmet," Rystall begged.

"I remove my helmet for no one."

"Please? Pretty please?"

"No."

She leapt towards him and grabbed his head. "I'll pull it off of you then!"

"Get off me, you psycho! Get OFF!" He tried to pry her hands off his head, but to no avail. With a pop, the helmet came off. He held his arms in front of his face. " Darn you, woman, give it back!"

"Kiss me," Rystall said, holding the helmet out of his reach, "and maybe I'll consider it."

"I'm going to kill you very, very slowly."

"If you want to do that," she said in satisfaction, "you'll have to move your arms, and then I'll get to see your face."

He considered it for a moment, then moved his arms and lifted his blaster rifle, taking careful aim at her head.

"Oh, Bo, you have such pretty eyes!"

"Give me the helmet," he said steadily, "or I'll disintegrate you."

"Kiss me," she said, "or I'll tell everyone what you look like."

Madak lifted an eyebrow. "After Episode II, do you really think anyone's going to be surprised?"

"There are some differences," Rystall said slowly. "You're a lot prettier than your father."

"Thanks for the compliment," he said sarcastically. "Now give me the helmet."

Rystall dropped it suddenly, and it rolled off the edge of the bridge and dropped into the water. "Oops!"

Madak took one look at her and dove in after it. Ten minutes later, he walked back across the bridge, water dripping from his armor. He noted with annoyance that the combination of his breath and his wet hair was fogging up his visor. He aimed the blaster rifle at Rystall again. "Now," he said, trying to keep his anger under control, "you die."

"Oh, Bo," she said, "you don't want to do that."

"Why not?"

"Cradossk won't be very happy with you."

"Is that so."

"Yes. Especially since I'm an employee."

"Really. What exactly are you employed to do?"

Rystall gave him a big smile. " Distract you while Cradossk gives everyone a tour of the museum."

[Chryseis]

Chapter 6, Part 2 (Many More Meetings?)

"Father," Bossk growled, "this is the stupidest thing you've ever done—"

"Nonsense," the old Trandoshan said. "If we don't know our pasts, we're doomed to repeat them. Everyone here should know the history of bounty hunting."

Dengar looked at a mural of a mean-looking mercenary. "Whoa, he's an ugly %$&*^!"

"Jaster Mereel," Cradossk said. "He was one of our order long before the Clone Wars." He pointed at a pedestal beside the mural. "I believe most of you have already seen the Shards of Westar. The favored weapons of Jango Fett, they were cut in half by the evil Mace Windu and have been housed at our museum ever since. I'm thinking about getting them reforged."

"It's always Fett this, Fett that," Bossk growled. "I'm sick of hearing about Fett!"

"Come Bossk," Cradossk said, "Boba's a fantastic young man, and he's like a son to me and a brother to you. After all, I practically raised him after his father was killed. You really should try to get along with him."

"Them two, get along!" Dengar snorted. "You've got a %$^%-good chance of that!"

"Quioto, quioto!"

"Yes, Boushh," 4-LOM said, "those are Jedi, just like me."

Zuckuss looked at them, his insectoid eyes whirling. "Zuckuss was a Jedi once, in his past life."

"Ah, the home movie gallery!" Cradossk said in delight. He began digging through the holofilms. "Here's a good one!"

A twelve-year-old Boba Fett was sitting on the edge of the bridge, shooting at fish with a harthingy gun, while a very small Bossk sat next to him, continuously trying to push him into the water. Fett was doing his best to ignore the Trandoshan.

Zuckuss thingyed his head to one side, blinking rapidly. "Aw," he said in a woman's voice, "Zuckuss thinks they're so cute at that age."

Little Bossk reached out and grabbed Fett's curls, pulling violently. The tiny human bounty hunter couldn't stand it anymore. He pulled out a blaster pistol and shot Bossk. The Trandoshan ran off crying.

Dengar started laughing raucously. "Haha! He shot the ugly little *^&*@! Good job, Fett!"

Bossk muttered something angry under his breath.

"Oh," Cradossk cried in excitement, "here's the day Boba got his first suit of armor!"

Suddenly, the holofilm player burst into flames. The bounty hunters turned around to see a fully-adult and fully-angry Boba Fett melting it with his flamethrower. "Cradossk," he said steadily, " drop the holofilm, or I'll burn your arm off."

The Trandoshan did as he was told, and Fett melted the holofilm the moment it hit the floor. He then proceeded to circle the room, burning everything in sight. "But Boba," Cradossk exclaimed, "this is your history!"

Fett whirled around. "No, it's not." He looked at all the other bounty hunters. "My name is Jaster Mereel. I'm a former journeyman protector from Concord Dawn who was exiled after killing a corrupt associate. And if you tell anyone anything different, I'll kill you as well. Understood?"

All the bounty hunters nodded furiously.

"I'm glad to see we agree," Fett said, and went back to destroying the museum. He paused when he saw the Shards of Westar. Hm, those might prove useful. Better take them with me.

He turned around. "What are you all staring at? Don't we have a meeting to get to?"

[Chryseis]

Chapter 7: The Council of Cradossk

"Friends, allies, bounty hunters from distant lands," said Cradossk formally, "you've been summoned here to answer the threat of Skywalker Ranch."

He sat down, coughing. "Kast, do you have the DVD?" There was absolute silence. Cradossk looked around in confusion. "Where is he?" Kast kept his cool and remained silent.

Cradossk was beginning to look frantic. " Does anyone have the DVD?"

"I do!" Kast said, standing up. He placed it on the pedestal, glancing around to make sure no one tried to steal it before he got paid.

"Ah, Boba," Cradossk sighed in relief, "you always save the day, don’t you?" He turned to the others. "Well, anyway, as you've probably all heard, we've found the One DVD, the instrument of the Flannelled One. If we don't act quickly, this will mean death to all of us bounty hunters."

"Father," Bossk said, standing up, "I have an idea. Why don't we watch the DVD and use it to our own advantage? If we know the contents of Episode III, perhaps we can change it and send it back. Star Wars could be a bounty hunter-ruled universe once and for all!"

Madak, who had been sitting next to a rather handsome and youthful bounty hunter named Jigwit (also known as "Jodo Is Great--Who is That ? ! ? " ), shook his head in disgust. "You cannot watch it! None of us can! Only the Flanneled One himself can view the One DVD without being driven mad, since he has no regards for the EU anyway."

Bossk snarled. "And what would a mercenary know of this?"

Dengar jumped to his feet in fury. "That's no mere mercenary, you stupid &#%&#$! He's Boba, son of Jango, and you owe him some respect!"

A gasp of awe went around the room, soon followed by growls as twenty heads turned to look at Kast. The bounty hunter sunk down in his chair, trying to hide. "Well," Kast muttered, trying to sound brave, "I'm better than that old fossil anyway."

"Boba!" Cradossk exclaimed in surprise. "Traveling around in disguise again, are we?" He glanced over at Kast. "Then who is this?"

"Jodo Kast," Dengar said in disgust. "Won't you ever learn? You stupid piece of *$#@*#!"

"Now, now," said Cradossk, "we're all friends here." All of the bounty hunters rolled their eyes, except for Zuckuss, who was currently feeling rather friendly. Of course, that was about to change.

"The One DVD must be destroyed!" IG-88 proclaimed.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Zuckuss growled, and leapt from his chair like a wild beast. He pulled out his blaster and began to shoot the DVD. After several minutes of this, he stopped to check out the damage. There was none. Furious, he pushed the DVD off the pedestal and began to jump and and down on it. Not a scratch appeared.

For lack of anything better to do, Zuckuss ripped off one of his breathing tubes and aimed it at the DVD, hoping the rapid stream of pure methane gas might damage it. Within seconds, his eyes rolled backward and he collapsed. Jigwit rushed forward and pulled the dizzy Gand back to his seat.

"The One DVD cannot be destroyed, Zuckuss son of—-" Cradossk paused. "Zuckuss-son-of-some-Gand-somewhere by any mortal means. It must be taken to Skywalker Ranch and thrown back into the cutting room in which it was created! One of you must do this!"

There was a dead silence.

"Why don't you do it, buddy? " Dengar muttered.

Bossk was almost laughing, he was so terrified. "One does not simply walk into Skywalker Ranch. Have you heard about the security there?"

Cradossk smiled. "That's why we're sending Kast."

Kast leapt to his feet. "What? ! ? "

"As the only bounty hunter who has to dress like Boba Fett to get a job, I think you're the most expendable one here."

"But to be sure you don't fail," IG-88 said, "I'll go with you and watch your every move." Kast shuddered.

Fett narrowed his eyes. He had no doubt that Kast would hand the One DVD over to the Flannelled One without a fight. After all, Kast was never going to be in a movie. Indeed, it was Fett himself who was most threatened.

"If by my life or death I can keep you from screwing this up," Fett said in a threatening tone, "I will." He pulled out his blaster rifle. "You have my EE-3 to make sure of that."

Dengar stood up. "And you have my blaster cannons."

Zuckuss, adopting a recklessly brave personality, cried, "And my methane!"

Bossk looked at them all suspiciously. "You carry the fate of all movie bounty hunters everywhere, Kast. If this is indeed the will of my father, then Trandosha will see it done."

Greedo, who was hiding in the bushes, couldn't take it anymore. "Ha!" he shouted, for lack of anything else to say. "Mr. Jodo's not going anywhere without me, especially since IG-88 threatened me!"

"Quioto! Quioto!" a new voice shouted, as 4-LOM and Boussh came running.

"Yes," 4-LOM agreed, "you'd have to seen us home frozen in carbonite to stop us."

That's not a bad idea, Fett thought, dreading the months he would spend with them.

"Nine bounty hunters," said Cradossk thoughtfully, looking them over proudly. "You shall be called--ah, nevermind. It would be too unoriginal."

[Cy Otauna]

gasp i know this fic! I'm skywalker05 at ff.net so you've already gotten some compliments from me...great humor. Have fun here!