The Candies of Doom

[Tiana, eh?]

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

Review it Here *uses Force* And you WILL review

Hey, when I finish posting it, I'll start posting the sequel... the one with the plot!!!

***

The Candies of Doom…<br>
By Éowyn Skywalker (I almost left my real name there..........)

Five boxes of candies from the Matrix were accidentally sent into Middle-earth... Five boxes of Warheads, to be exact. They must be regained before it is too late; or so it is said. Those who are in the Matrix say that hyper orcs would be too much for Middle-earth to handle so they have sent Agent Smith to regain them. It is more then that though... Much more...

Those who spy on the Matrix also knew of the candy mishap. They sent in both Neo and Trinity to locate them, in hopes to find out why the enemy wanted them so badly. Morpheus also went, after there was no word as to what happened to the candies. When Agent Smith did not return as fast as had been hoped, two other agents, agents Carter and Johnson also went into Middle-earth; for they knew there was one who may’ve been able to help them... This all happens as time goes by, but to truly understand, you have to read from the beginning...

(Narrator: Galadriel)

The counsels of the wise are troubled for the ring has been found. The folk of Rivendell have heard tell of a man who has the look of Elrond but acts like an orc when angered. Frodo has been acting odd and is carrying a strange weapon. Gollum is searching for his precious…<br>
Gollum: Yes, yes, we wants it, my precious candies yes!
He puts one in his mouth and screams, “Bad candiessss, it burns it’s, it’s sour my precious yes.”<br> He runs of screaming, “Water”!
Meanwhile… Agent Smith is in a dark cave… But it would be lighter if he took of his sunglasses! He feels his way down the passage when suddenly his hand touches something… It is a small ring so he sticks it into his pocket to examine later but for the present… Wait, were those footsteps he heard? He didn’t know what made him do it but he drew the ring out from his pocket and placed it on his finger…

Meanwhile… back to Gollum…<br>The creature is still running around screeching for water heedless of the fact that Aragorn is standing behind him… Aragorn is smiling and shaking his head. Then Gollum notices Aragorn and his face changes to an evil smirk.

Gollum: Yes, precious, its rangersess. We’ve presentsess yes.

Aragorn: You’ve gave me presents before and let me tell you this, creature, I HATE BEING HIT BY STINKY SLIMY FISH and if you even so much as think of FISH this WILL be the end for YOU! Got that?

Gollum: Yessss Have candiesss for Rangersss.

Aragorn: Hey! Get back here… Candies, how strange…<br> The next thing he knows is a box of warheads (Very sour candies) flies out at him! Aragorn ducks a second to late and the candies hit him hard on the head! He curses and draws his sword.

Gollum: It wassn’t fish wass it, Ranger? Nassty candiesss.

Aragorn just rolls his eyes.
Meanwhile…<br>(Narrator: Neo)

Agent Smith is wondering why all those scary critters didn’t see him. He didn’t feel invisible considering there was a big red flaming scary rimless eye staring at him!

B. R. F. S. R. eye: I see you and you cannot hide forever, ringbearer… We will find you!

Agent Smith: I’ve never seen anything like that before (In the Matrix) but I’d say Neo maybe?

He pulled of the ring and realized that he had walked out of the cave and was standing by three BIG statues (the troll Shaws)! He also realized there was a rider wearing all black beside him with a drawn sword…<br>
Black Rider: Surrender the ring…<br>
Agent Smith: What Ring?

Black Rider: The ring…<br>
He (Or it!?) reaches for the ring, which is still in Smith’s hand. Agent Smith flips backwards (Matrix maneuver!) and runs really fast (LotR maneuver!) It doesn’t take long before he realizes that horses are faster than he is so… he takes out the ring and puts it on again (Dimwit!)…<br>
Agent Smith: I don’t think Neo has anything to do with this, for once I’m scared, really scared.

And for good reason too. The Black Rider went all ghost like and was even scarier. The world around him was fading. There was a river up ahead but he couldn’t move from where he stood. He pulled out his gun and it flew from his hand. Then the Nazgûl threw the sword at him and he tried to dodge it but it hit his arm and he fell. The last thing he remembered was pulling off the ring. Then he knew no more…
(Narrator: Galadriel)

Near the banks of the river Bruinen, Agent Smith was brought down by a Nazgûl. The last thing he remembered is slipping the ring from his finger before he blacked out. He was faintly aware of a screaming sound and of the sound of hooves fading into the distance. He heard voices in the back of his mind but he couldn’t tell for sure what they said. Then someone ran up to him and this time he understood what was said. It was, “You are right, he does look like me.” Then he heard no more.

Meanwhile… in the Shire…<br>Frodo: Surprised to see me, Mr. Brandybuck?

Merry (Brandybuck): Oh Hullo, Frodo. What’s up?

Frodo: I’m looking for my candies, have you seen them?

Merry: Not now, Frodo, I’ve got some mushrooms to eat!

Frodo: I’m looking for Mr. Aragorn, seen him of late?

Merry: Try Bree. I’m busy eating mushrooms! Cool shades!

Frodo: Thank you…<br> Then Frodo morphs into the gatekeeper in Bree.

(Narrator: Pippin)
Frodo walks into the Prancing Pony Inn where Aragorn is telling everyone a wild tale about being hit by a box of candy the other day! Frodo grabs him and yanks him up the stairs saying, “You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Aragorn.” Then boots him into a room.

Aragorn: What do you want? (He doesn’t recognize Frodo!??!)

Frodo: A little more caution from you, My Friend, and what you tell the entire village of Bree.

Aragorn: What do you mean?

Frodo: I can distract my enemies if I wish; but to drive them insane by giving them sour candy; that is a rare gift.

Aragorn says nothing and looks confused.

Frodo: Are you frightened?

Aragorn: Yes…<br>
Frodo: Not nearly frightened enough. But… Join with the Matrix, Mr. Aragorn, and help us find the candies and then you may not be so frightened.

Aragorn: The Matrix? What’s that? And how did you know my real name? He takes a step backwards

Frodo: I know much about you, maybe more then you’d like, Mr. Aragorn.

As Frodo says this Aragorn tackles him!

Aragorn: Who are you?

Frodo (Through clenched teeth): Baggins, Agent Baggins.

Aragorn (While sitting back startled): Frodo?!!?

Frodo: Agent Baggins!

Then he tackles Aragorn back! They thwack,
Bop, Hit and Tackle each other but in the end Frodo defeats Aragorn… (Being that he has Agent Power as he grows evil) This isn’t a good thing for poor Aragorn… Frodo transports Aragorn to Bag-End then ties him up and leaves him in a closet! Then Frodo leaves and morphs into Isengard… #nosmileys

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile… somewhere near Isengard…<br>
Gollum: Yesss, gave candiesss to Rangersss, Yesss, preciousss we wantsss more candiesss for usss to eat, Yesss candiesss nasssty candiesss.

Meanwhile… In the Shire…<br>
Merry: Hey! Who are you?
Gatekeeper at Bree: Hey! This isn’t Bree??!!??!!
Merry: No, it’s Farmer Maggot’s field.
G.K.A.B.: Where’s that?
Merry: The Shire. Here, hold these.
He hands him a pile of mushrooms!
Farmer Maggot: Hey: who’s been into my crops.
Merry: Opps, I think its time to run!
G.K.A.B.: What’s he so mad about? It’s only a few mushrooms.
Merry (While running): Beats me. It was just the mushrooms today and the carrots.
Pippin runs past them!
Merry: That’d explain why he’s so mad! Hey, Pip, wait up!
Pippin: Can’t wait, I’ve got Fang and Wolf at my tail!
G.K.A.B.: Wolf (Gulp)?
Merry: One of Maggots dogs.
G.K.A.B.: R-Right.
(Narrator: Frodo)
They run to the edge of the field and fall down a hill where the dogs stop and Farmer Maggot looks down.
Farmer Maggot: Harry! Long time no see.
Harry (The Gatekeeper at Bree): Maggot, nice to see you again!
Maggot: Care to join me for a cup of coffee?
Harry: Sure.
They walk off leaving Merry and Pippin with the mushrooms!
Pippin: What was that all about?
Merry: Beats me.
Pippin: Let’s go find Sam and head to Bree.
Merry: Sure, Frodo is down in that area anyway
Pippin: Cool! Sam’ll be near the Bag-End garden, you can be sure of that.
Merry: Yep.
Meanwhile… Near the river Bruinen…<br>Glorfindel: Lasto beth nin; tolo dan nan galad. (Hear my voice; come back to the light.)
Elrond: He’s fading fast; I must save him.
Glorfindel: Why?
Elrond: He looks like me and that’s totally cool and besides, I’m like to know why he had a Nazgûl on his tail.
Glorfindel: Oh.
Elrond: You didn’t understand a word I said did you?
Glorfindel: No, I didn’t.
Elrond: Didn’t think so.
Agent Smith: (Groan) Who are you? (Ugg, Groan)
Elrond: He can talk, that’s good.
Agent Smith: Big Red scary eyeball, gray thing with sword, ring, must find candies, bad ring, where’s my gun?
Then he loses consciousness again.
Elrond: I think I know what his problem is…<br> Meanwhile… in Isengard…<br>(Narrator: Gimli)
Frodo is walking around leaving a trail of dead urak-hai behind him!
Saruman: My urak-hai, my precious urak-hai… Oh well, they ate too much anyway!
Frodo: Stupid urak-hai! (Bang) I’ve always wanted to kill you! You eat Pipe-weed? (!?!?)
Urak-hai: Yup! (Burp!) (Gunshot!)
Saruman: They ate Pipe-weed?!!?! I’ll show them, I’ll kill them all if they dare! Where’s Gandalf, he’ll help me!
Note* Who did you think Frodo morphed into, an orc? Not likely, it was Gandalf!!!
(Narrator: Frodo)
In Bag-End…<br>(Thud sound effect!)
Gandalf: Ow! Hey! This isn’t Orthanc?!!?
(Glass breaking sound!)
Gandalf: Where’s the light? I need a light!
He straightens up and hits his head on the roof!
Gandalf: Oof, low roof! I think I know where I am now… Bag-End.
He reaches out and flicks a switch.
Meanwhile… outside of Bag-End…<br>Sam, Pippin, and Merry are eating mushrooms!
Sam: Who turned on the light?
Merry: Beats me.
Pippin: Let’s find out.
Merry: O.K.!
Sam: Fine, just don’t get into trouble.
Pippin (With fingers crossed): We won’t!
Sam: Of course you will. I’m coming with to make sure you stay out of mischief.
Merry: O.K., come then.

(Narrator: Galadriel)
In our previous adventure Merry, Pippin, and Sam sneak into Bag-End to see who turned on the light. In Bag-End at this very moment Gandalf is looking for Frodo. Frodo is in Isengard blowing up orcs (Urak-hai) because they ate pipe-weed. Aragorn is tied up (Literally!) in a closet also in Bag-End. I’m not telling where Agent Smith is… it just takes time. Gollum is near Orthanc… and he’s the only one who knows where the candies were (note the past tense…).
Gollum: Thief, thief! We hates her forever! We hates them, they have nasssty nasssty guns that hurt! They stole our warheads yessss! We wants them back, precious yessss candies yessss!
Trinity to Neo: What was that creature that was hoarding all those warheads?
Neo: Beats me!
Trinity: Oh, well, the important thing is that we got the candy back before Agent Smith.
Neo: Speaking of Smith, where is he? I haven’t seen him.
Trinity: Oh, who cares?
Neo: I do, it’s weird but I do.
Trinity: Whatever.

Meanwhile… In Rivendell…<br>Agent Smith: What a strange dream…<br> He looks around…<br>Agent Smith: It wasn’t a dream, then where am I?
Glorfindel: In the house of Elrond and it is ten O’clock in the morning, if you would like to know.
Agent Smith: Elrond? Who’s he? Is he that freaky red flaming eyeball?
Glorfindel: Freaky red flaming eye? No, that’s Sauron, I believe.
Elrond (Coming up from behind him): You don’t know what freaky means, do you?
Glorfindel: How did you guess? No, I don’t.
Elrond: Didn’t think so. I am Elrond and welcome to Rivendell, Agent Smith.
Agent Smith: How did you know my name?
Elrond: I know much, maybe more than you’d like.
Glorfindel: Is that good or bad?
Agent Smith: It’s Bad.
Elrond: What makes you so sure?
Agent Smith: In the Matrix I know a lot and trust me, it was not good.
Glorfindel: Why wasn’t it good?
Agent Smith: Knowing much, too much, gives you a sense of power, a power over people. In the beginning you try to use this power as a tool to do good and early on you may and can. But power has a way to do evil and soon you desire dominion, power over all others. Only those who already have a great power can control power and for those it has an even greater threat. When you know too much it causes you to desire more power over people. With power comes great evil.
Elrond: I see what you mean. Power can be used for both good and evil.
They are quiet for a while thinking about these words.
Elrond (After a long silence): There’s one thing I don’t understand. You asked if I was that freaky red flaming eyeball and Glorfindel said no, that was Sauron. How did you see him?
Agent Smith: I’ll try to explain but first I’ll say this much: That was the freakiest experience of my life.
Glorfindel: Freaky?
Agent Smith: Odd or strange, to the point of frightening.
Elrond: You were saying?
Agent Smith: Oh, right. Well, I just put this ring on (Here he holds up the ring) and nothing seen me save that freaky eye.
Elrond: Ring… It can’t be?
Glorfindel: That would answer your question as to why he had a Nazgûl on his tail.
Elrond: Yah… But still? The one ring… It’s impossible.
Agent Smith: The what!?! I think you have some explaining to do…<br>
Hey, what's this font thinger do? Sorry, I'll keep posting now...

[Tiana, eh?]

In Bag-End…<br>(Narrator: Frodo)

A crashing noise is heard! Merry and Sam knocked over a lamp! Gandalf comes over to investigate.

Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Perigrin Took, I might have known.

Sam: I’m here too!

Gandalf: Confound it all Samwise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping?

Sam (Confidently): No sir, I was lamp-dropping.

Gandalf (While looking at the lamp shards on the floor): I see that. At least you speak true, Sam, and are not lying.
A banging noise is heard from a closet!

Pippin: What was that?

Sam: It wasn’t me.

Merry: Gandalf, have you been eating beans?

Gandalf: Yes! They taste great with Lembas!

Pippin: I meant the crashing noise, not the gas noise.

Merry: Oh.

Sam: I know that’s what you were talking about, Pippin;
the gas was my fault.

Pippin: Sam, that’s gross.

Sam: As for that crash…<br> Meanwhile… In Isengard…<br>
Neo: Who’s that?

Trinity: It looks like a short version of Agent Smith.

Neo: You’re right, it does!

Frodo: Surprised to see me, Mr. Anderson?

Neo: And acts like him too!??!

Frodo: Surrender the candy, Mr. Anderson, or I will have to take it by force.

Neo: Trinity, take the candy and run, I’ll hold off this guy.

Frodo: I’m not a guy; my name is Baggins, Agent Baggins.

In Rivendell…<br>Agent Smith: What is the one ring?

Elrond and Glorfindel look at each other.

Elrond: In the second age Sauron…<br>
Agent Smith: The freaky red flaming eye?

Elrond: Yes. Now as I was saying, Sauron created - with
the help of the elven smiths- the rings of power. Many rings were made; rings of different powers. These rings to the elven smiths were merely trifles but in my mind dangerous to mortals but the great rings, they were perilous. I’m not going to explain why they are that dangerous. At the height of their power Sauron created in the deepest depths of Mount Doom a ring to rule all the others. The elves were deceived for out of Mordor they heard these words that in the common speech are: One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them… in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
Middle Earth was covered in darkness… But there were some who resisted. There was a BIG war when Isildur, heir to the throne of Gondor, took up his father’s (Elendil’s) sword and chopped off Sauron’s finger and took the ring for his own. Then he was killed (By orcs) and the ring was lost.
(The following scene is based on a scene in Jonah: A Veggietales Movie)
Glorfindel: Cool!

Agent Smith: What is it?

Elrond: The ruling ring, Dimwit!

Agent Smith: So what do we do now?

Larry: Nothing, we’re the pirates who don’t do anything!

Agent Smith: What’s a pickle doing here?

Larry: I’m a cucumber.

Elrond: A talking pickle at that!

Larry: I’m a cucumber.

Glorfindel: It’s a pickle.

Agent Smith: I thought it said it was a pirate.

Larry: I did.

Elrond: I didn’t know cucumbers could talk.

Glorfindel: Pickles can’t talk anymore than a cucumber.

Agent Smith: If you said you were a cucumber then why did you say you were a pirate?

Larry: Because I’m a pirate too.

Elrond: Are you sure it’s not a pickle?

Glorfindel: It’s a cucumber.

Agent Smith: Whatever.

Elrond: Whatever.
Meanwhile… In Isengard…<br>
(Narrator: Celeborn)

Neo and Frodo are fighting!

Mr. Smith: Where’s me mullah?

Neo: Don’t have any. Just have candy.

Mr. Smith: My mistake.

He disappears.

Neo and Frodo continue fighting!

In Bag-End…<br>
Sam, Pippin, Merry, and Gandalf walk hesitantly toward the closet door.

Pippin: Who’s going to open it?

Sam: I’m not.

Merry: I sure won’t!

Gandalf: Don’t look at me!

Boromir: DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR. IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Morpheus: There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

Pippin: I’ll do it…<br> Then he walked up to the door and grabbed the door handle…<br>
Boromir: I SAID DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

Pippin: Too late! I’m going to open it.

Morpheus: Only you can open the door, Pippin, it’s whether you will that matters.

Gandalf: To open the door or not to open the door, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to open the door and free whoever may be trapped inside or to leave it closed forever. No do or not to do.

Hamlet: That’s not how I said it!

Gandalf: Whatever.

Hamlet: Something’s cooking in the state of Denmark. I must go now.

Gandalf: Good Riddance.

Boromir: IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Pippin: Can I open the door yet?

Boromir: DON’T OPEN THE DOOR; IT’S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU! DON’T DO IT!

Morpheus: You know what you must do.

Merry: Have another pint?

Pippin: I must open this door.

Goldberry: Make haste while the sun shines.

Treebeard: Don’t -----be ------hasty!

Boromir: IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Gandalf: To be or not to be.

Sam: A pint sounds good to me!

In Orthanc…<br>
Saruman: Where’s Gandalf when you need him? I want
his help to kill my orcs!

Outside of Orthanc…<br>(Narrator: Éowyn)

Trinity got bored of watching Neo and Frodo fight so she enters Orthanc!

Saruman: You! Can you help me? I’m killing orcs!

Trinity: With pleasure,
In Isengard…<br> Trinity, out of boredom, teams up with Saruman and together are killing orcs! Frodo and Neo are still fighting and things are not going too well. Trinity left the candies on the ground and guess who found them!
Meanwhile… In Mordor…<br>Ring wraith: Thhhhhhhe rrrring hasss beeeeeennn fffffffounnnd.

Sauron: It has? YES!!!!! Where is it?

Wraith: Innnn Rrrrrrrrrivennnndelllllll at thhhhhhhis timmmmmme.

Sauron: It is? GREAT!!! How about I have you find someone to retrieve it.

Wraith: I donnnn’t knnnow offfffff annnnyone withhhh the powwwwwwerrrr toooooo finnnnd it exxxxxxcept…<br>
Sauron: I read your mind… Perfect!

Wraith: Bbbbbuttttt hhhhhowwwwww?

Sauron: We must send G2 to go get her.

Wraith: Bbbbbbuttt willll shhhhhhhe trrrrust Gggg2?

Sauron: We’ll just have to wait and find out!

The people of Mordor send G2 to… Lothlòrien?

In Bag-End…<br>(Narrator: Celeborn)
Poor Pippin is overwhelmed by all the different suggestions. Should he open the door or not? Then something stirred in him and he realized that he was free to choose. Everyone else was arguing when he choose to open the door…<br>
Pippin: Strider, what are you doing in there?

Aragorn (Strider): Trying to escape.

Pippin: I see that… But who put you in there?

Boromir: I TOLD YOU IT WAS A CONSPIRACY!

Aragorn: Frodo… or should I say, Agent Baggins!

Pippin: Frodo locked you up?! Why? And what did you mean by: Agent Baggins?

Aragorn: I’ll try to explain… Pippin, what are all these people doing in Bag-End?

Pippin: I can’t even begin to try to explain!

Aragorn: It’s crazy; how are all these tall people fitting in a hobbit hole?

Pippin: I have no idea.

Aragorn: I’m surprised none of them have hit their heads yet!

Like Aragorn’s saying so was a cue, everyone hits his or her head on the roof!

Gandalf: Oof!

Morpheus: This is the way it was meant to be… Ow!

Goldberry: Ow, my poor head!

Boromir: OUCH! I TOLD YOU IT WAS A CONSPIRACY!

Merry: I think I’ll have another pint!

Sam: Did you say pint?

Aragorn: That was interesting.

Pippin: Very… You were saying what to explain Agent
Baggins?

Aragorn: Most inquisitive hobbit… Yes, I’ll explain but first would you mind untying me?

Boromir: DON’T DO IT, IT’S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Pippin glares at Boromir!

Pippin: Someone please get him to shut-up!

Treebeard: O----u----c----h!

Gandalf: What did you say ouch for?

Boromir: IT’S A CONSPIRA… (Goldberry slaps him hard!)

Goldberry: That was getting on my nerves!

Treebeard (In response to Gandalf): I’m----- not -----
hasty!

Pippin (To Aragorn): Sure, and then you can tell me everything, Strider!

[Tiana, eh?]

(Narrator: Galadriel)
Rings of power may be dangerous but it seems candy is even more detrimental! It is a toss up between the candies of doom and the one ring for having the worst effects in Middle earth! But by the time this story is done ("If" that is!) you will have decided...

In Lothlòrien...

Haldir: Did you know that you breathe so loud I could have shot you in the dark?

G2: Excuse me? I do not need to breath. I am a robot and am much more complex than you humans!

Haldir: Excuse me? I am not human, I am an elf.
They start arguing! This causes all the elves to come see what is going on... This leaves Lothlòrien unguarded and the ring wraiths are able to walk right in without being spotted!

In Isengard...

(Narrator: Neo)
There are even more dead Urak-hai and orcs and wargs and... You get the picture...
In Fangorn forest...

Gollum: We gotss our candiessss back, yessss we did!

An ent (Not Treebeard, he's in Bag-End!): Don't----- be----- hasty.

Gollum takes one look at the ent and runs away, leaving the candy behind. The ent picks it up...

(Narrator: Arwen)
By this point you should have decided whether the candies are worse than the ring... On second thought, maybe a hyper ent qualifies as worse though! And I'm not kidding either; hyper ents are very dangerous... But for that matter so are Neo and Frodo... And Trinity plus a gun and Saruman... And G2 and Haldir... And a ringwraith in Lothlòrien!?

Galadriel: Wha... How did you get into Caras Galadhon? (The city of the elves in Lòrien)

Ring Wraith: Withhhhh aaaa littttllllle helllllp ffffrrrrrommmm aaaaa fffffrrrriennnnnd... Annnnnd donnnnn't bothhherrr shoutingggg ffffforrrrr hhhellllp, nnnnnoooooo oooonnnnne willllllll commmmmme.

Galadriel: Where's Celeborn?

Ring Wraith: Wwwwwweeeee havvvvve apppprrrrrehennnnddddedddd himmmmmmm.

Galadriel: Crap! And I suppose I'm next?

Ring Wraith: IIIIIII'dddddd llllllovvvvve tttttoooooo butttttttt nnnnnnoooooo.

Galadriel (Under breath): I don't know if that's good or bad.

Ring Wraith: Weeeee havvvve aaaa deallllll ffffforrrrr yyyyyyou ttoooooo connnnnsiterrrrrrr: Yyyyyyou hhhhhelllllppppp ussssss annnnd we frrrrrrreeeeeee Celllllleborrrrrnnnnnn. Thhhhhhat wayyyyyy we'rrrrrre alllllllll hhhhhaaaaaappyyyyy.

Galadriel (Thoughtfully): That sounds like a really great deal. But I have a better one: You give me Celeborn, and I give you a one-way trip to the Crack of Doom. Now you get your (Not very nice word)-ing (Another word) out of Lòrien and go to (Yet another word)!

Ring Wraith: Yyyyyouuuuu willlllll helllllp ussssss whhhheithhhhherrrrrrr yyyyouuuuu llllllike ittttt orrrrrrr notttttttt.
Meanwhile... in Isengard
(Narrator: Trinity)
Neo and Frodo collapse from exhaustion!
Meanwhile... In Rivendell...

Elrond: Oh where is my hairbrush...

Glorfindel: Everybody’s got a water buffalo…

Agent Smith: I think they’re hyper!

Larry: I thought I was bad.

Agent Smith: How could you be hyper? You’re a pickle!

Larry: Cucumber.

Agent Smith: Whatever.

Larry: You want to see hyper, I’ll show you hyper!
He starts bouncing around singing: ‘We are the Pirates who don’t do anything’!

Agent Smith (Rolling his eyes): Why’d I have to ask?
Meanwhile… In Bag-End…<br>
Goldberry: I broke my nail on that annoying human’s head!!!!

Boromir (For the first time not shouted): You left a dent in my head!!!!

Goldberry: Serves you right!

Treebeard: I--t--‘s-- a -- c--o--n--s--p--i--r--a--c--y --- o---f-u-n---h-a-s-t-y-----p---e---o---p-l--e-

Pippin: (groan) Not again.

Aragorn: Just untie me, Pippin, will you?

Boromir: IT’S A CONSPIRACY, DON’T DO IT, PIPPIN, IT’S A CONSPIR… (Merry hands him a pint!)

Boromir: Thanks.

Sam: Hey! That was mine!

Treebeard: I-t-s - a-c-o-n-s-p-i-r-a-c-y-…<br>
Gandalf: To be or not to be…<br>
Morpheus: What was the question?

Gandalf: I don’t know.
Pippin finishes untying Aragorn.

Aragorn (While rubbing his wrists): Thank you.

Pippin: You’re welcome.

Boromir: I thought it was a conspiracy!

(Narrator: Agent Smith)
Conspiracy? Right now the only conspiracy is in Lothlòrien! And it’s a true danger too. Poor Celeborn!

Galadriel: What is it you want?

Ring wraith: Thhhhhe rrrrinnngggg hassssss beennnnnn founnnnnnd annnnnd issssss innnnnn Rrrrrivvennnndelllll, innnnn thhhhhe hannnnndssss offffff aaaa hummmmannnnnn.

Galadriel: And…?

Ring wraith: Wwwweee wannnnt you tooooo rrrretrrrrrievvvve it.

Galadriel: And in exchange for the One Ring you will give me Celeborn?

Ring wraith: Rrrrighhhht

Galadriel: What about on job expenses and G.S.T. (General sales tax) and so forth?

Ring wraith: Wellllll thissss doooooo?
He holds up a credit card for Gondoren treasury branch.

Galadriel: OOO! Yes!!!!! (She grabs it!) I love you, money! (To the wraith) I’ll be gone tomorrow

Ring wraith: Thhhhannnk yyyyyou.

In Rivendell…<br>(Narrator: Galadriel)
Agent Smith is fidgeting with the One Ring…<br>
Agent Smith: It’s so shiny…<br>
Glorfindel: If my lips ever left my mouth, packed a bag and headed south; that’d be too bad, I’d be so sad…<br>
Elrond: You’re the one for me, (one for me, one for me)… Sent from up above…<br>
Larry: And I’ve never been to Boston in the fall.

Arwen: I think they’re hyper.

Celebrian (Elrond’s wife): At least.
Meanwhile… in Rohan…<br>
Éowyn: I’ve never seen a tree move so fast before…<br>
Wormtongue: I must tell Saruman about this VERY hyper tree!
He runs off…<br>Éomer: IT’S A CONSPIRACY, A HYPER CONSPIRACY
HEADED THIS WAY!!!

King Théoden: Groan (He snaps to his normal self due to the shock of seeing a tree move): A hyper tree?!!?!!! To arms, men of Rohan, to arms!!!!!
Everyone attacks the ent. The ent runs away laughing hysterically!

Éomer: IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!

In Mordor…<br>Sauron: I never thought a female could spend so much… Now I know why I never got married and became the dark lord instead!

In Rivendell…<br>Arwen: They’re still hyper…<br>
Celebrian: I know.

Arwen: What’s my dad doing with a pickle?

Celebrian: I have no idea.

In Moria…<br>Galadriel: I’ll take twenty mithril vests and one mini balrog bust, please.

[Tiana, eh?]

In Isengard…<br>
Frodo: Being an agent is exhausting work.

Neo: Yah. Let’s call off the fight.

Frodo: OK.

Neo: Hey! Where’s Trinity?
Still in Isengard…<br>
Saruman (Bang sound effect!): These newfangled weapons are radical!

Trinity: These bowling ball things are neat too!

Saruman: They’re called Palantiri. Where did you get these clothes? (She wears leather)

Trinity: Leather Vests R US. It’s a store in the Matrix. Where did you get the tie-dye robes?

Saruman: I made them. Bleach was costing me a fortune so I figured, why not go retro.

Trinity: You are like totally with it, man. Like really hip and today!

Saruman: Cool! I think...

Trinity: Like totally.

(Narrator: Frodo)
In the Shire…<br>
Harry: … Yah, and we’re considering in bathtubs to hold our ale.

Farmer Maggot: Cool! I’m…<br>
Someone knocks at the door…<br>
Maggot: I’ll get it.
He opens the door… Three people are standing there… One is a lady wearing white and she has long, gold, wavy hair… Galadriel!

Galadriel (For that’s who it is, of course.): Can you tell me where the nearest bank is?

Maggot: Buckleberry. That way.

Galadriel: Good! Not everyone takes credit cards in these parts!
Farmer Maggot rolls his eyes.
Galadriel leaves.
Farmer Maggot: And who are you two?

Person One: I’m Orlando Bloom and this is Jim Hawkins. We’re looking for a place to solar surf.

Maggot: Try Weathertop, it’s that way.

Orlando Bloom: Weathertop? Cool!

Jim: I think it’ll do.

Farmer Maggot: Err… What’s solar surfing?

Jim: Don’t you know what they are? They’re solar powered and fly real fast. Not unlike Air scooters.

Farmer Maggot: Right.

Harry: What’s an Air scooter?

Orlando Bloom: Are hobbits that behind in the times?!

Jim: Is that what they are? Hobbits?

Maggot: If I’m not a hobbit then what did you think I was?

Jim: Well…<br>
Orlando: So we go that way? (Note that he’s changing the topic.) Come on, Jim, let’s go.
They leave.
Harry: Humans.

Maggot: Yah… And elves… Oh well, as I was saying…<br>
Meanwhile… Galadriel makes a withdrawal from Buckland’s International bank… of 2000 gold coins (2000 US dollars!)
Meanwhile…<br>Sauron (After getting bill from bank…): EEKKK! (He faints) (Might I note that Mithril Vests were said to be worth more then the Shire apiece!)
Meanwhile… In Lothlòrien…
Legolas is walking around unaware of the arguments going on the background…
(G2: Robots are much more complex then any mortal being!
Haldir: Dimwit, elves aren’t mortal.
G2: I’m still the more complex being!
Haldir: Oh yah…)
Suddenly he (Legolas) spots something… It’s Celeborn, tied up and stuck in a tree!

Legolas: Celeborn, what are you doing up there?

Celeborn; Mph mph mmm mmhm!

Legolas: Could you repeat that?

Celeborn: Mph mmm mpmm!

Legolas: I can’t quite make that out. Could you take the
sock out of your mouth and repeat that?

Celeborn (Angrily): Mmmh phm mph mmm mhm!

Legolas: I can’t tell what you are trying to say. Come down here to talk!

Celeborn: Mmph mh hhm mmmp!

Legolas: What? Speak louder!

Celeborn has look in his eyes that says: I’m going to kill you if I can.

Legolas (It finally dawns on him): Ohhh, you want me to untie you?

Celeborn: MMHMM!!!!
Legolas climbs up the tree and unties Celeborn.

Legolas: So you put you up here?

Celeborn (As soon as he can talk): Nazgûl! They “Apprehended” me and stole my wife! I vow revenge! I’m going Ring Wraith hunting and you’re coming with me!

Legolas: Cool! Best get a sword first though.

Celeborn: Oh… Right.

Legolas: So how did they catch you?

Celeborn: It’s a looonnnng story…<br>
In Bag-End…<br>
Aragorn: I vow REVENGE!!!!! I WILL NOT STAND FOR BEING HIT ON THE HEAD AND LOCKED IN A CLOSET! Pippin, you’re coming with me.

Pippin: No I’m NOT!

(Narrator: Galadriel)
In Isengard Neo and Frodo are talking…<br>
Frodo: I don’t know what came over me. It’s strange, a while ago I felt so powerful but now it’s passing. I feel more like the small hobbit I used to be, less controlled and more myself.

Neo: Weird.

Frodo: Yes, but I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am no longer “Agent Baggins” but instead Frodo, small hobbit of the Shire. I can’t do this.

Neo: There is one thing that must be done.

Frodo: What, Neo, what is it?

Neo: We must set things right somehow…<br>
But there is much that now has to be done… For because of a few mistakes chaos has ensued throughout Middle Earth… The nine have left their strongholds in Mordor… The ents have somehow got hold of candies and causing mayhem throughout Rohan… The peace of Lòrien has perished due to an argument on behalf of the elves… In Isengard there are none to tell what has happened… for none now live who remember it… Not even in Rivendell is there peace and order, being that Elrond and Glorfindel are hyper… Within the borders of the Shire none can say what is wrong… for none know… But not even there is all right… It seems unlikely that Neo and Frodo will be able to repair the damage in time.
In Bree… A few days after Aragorn’s tale of the candies…<br>
Mr. Butterbur: I always said that that Strider fellow was a nut. That whopper he gave us the other day proves my point.

A person in the back of the room: And I’d say your wrong, Butterbur.

Butterbur: Ehh, who are you to question my points and ideas?

P. I. T. B. O. T. R: I am Faramir of Gondor and I question you because I know you are wrong and that that “Strider’s” story is true.

Butterbur: And how do you know?

Faramir (smiling): Perhaps a slight flashback would be in order… “It was a few days ago that I was in the Fangorn Forest looking for my brother (Whom I learned was in the Shire…). There I came across a very unusual sight…. A very hyper tree chasing a weird, slimy, ugly looking critter. The critter and the tree both had boxes full of candy. The critter threw the candies at me which knocked me over. Before I could react the tree grabbed the box of candy and ran away laughing crazily. I caught the critter and questioned it. It told me that he did the same stunt to a ranger known as Aragorn and also called Strider. That is how I know.”<br>
Butterbur: Interesting

Two men who look strangely like Agent Smith stand up…<br>
One of them: It seems you know something we don’t,
Captain Faramir. I think it’s time for a little chat.

Faramir draws his sword!

P. W. L. S. L. A. S: Put that weapon away, we don’t wish for any violence now do we?

Faramir: I’m not being violent, but if I wasn’t in a crowded inn I might be. Now who are you?

P. W. L. S. L. A. S: Agent Johnson, Captain Faramir. You remember me, don’t you?

Faramir: And your cohort Agent Carter. (Under breath) I think I’m beginning to see what this is about now.

He sheaths his sword and jumps towards the stairs. Agent Carter raises his right hand and jerks it backward. Faramir goes flying back!

Agent Johnson: The Matrix has more power then you, Captain Faramir. (To Agent Carter): He’s coming with us.

In the air above Bree…<br>
Jim: I’m getting tired, I’m stopping down there. (He
points at Bree.)

Orlando: Suit yourself. I’m headed straight to Weathertop.

Jim lands in Bree while Orlando carries on…<br>

[Tiana, eh?]

In Bag-End…<br>
Pippin: Ugg… This IS getting to be a conspiracy!

Boromir: See! What did I tell you, Pippin, DON’T DO IT, IT’S A CONSPIRACY.

He drinks the pint!

Sam: Humph! I’ll go with you, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Will you? Thanks, Sam.

Boromir: IT’S A CONSPIRACY, SAM…!

Sam: Just shut up!

Boromir: Fine! Reject valuable advice!

Treebeard: You’re being hhhhaaaassssttttyyyyy……!!!

Morpheus: It’s the way things are….

Boromir: Conspiracies are the way things are!

Gandalf: To be or not to be…<br>
Sam: That’s not the QUESTION!

Sam and Aragorn leave to Edoras…<br>
Meanwhile… In Rivendell…<br>Elrond and Glorfindel collapse breathlessly on the floor!

Elrond: I haven’t been able to do this for at least one thousand years!

Glorfindel: Ditto.

Elrond: Since when did you start using modern words?

Glorfindel: Since today.

Larry (surprised): You mean you don’t jump around like
this normally?

Glorfindel: Last time I was this hyper I had coffee and coconut cake!

Larry: I’ve heard that line before… But you guys are good. You should start your own T.V. show!

Elrond: But there’s no such thing as T.V. in this world unless…<br>
Glorfindel: I wonder…<br>
Elrond and Glorfindel: The Palantìr!

Larry: The WHAT!!???

Elrond: The only problem is…<br>
Glorfindel: There’s only seven…<br>
Elrond: In Middle Earth…<br>
Glorfindel: That we could use.

Elrond: Quit finishing my sentences!

Glorfindel: I’m NOT!

Elrond: As I was saying: We could…<br>
Glorfindel: Start a Palantiri show.

Elrond: You are SO!

(Agent Smith has left…)

Meanwhile…<br>
Wormtongue: Saruman’s got a girl friend. NA, NA, NA, NA, NA!!!!

Saruman: I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!

Wormtongue: Saruman and Trinity sitn’ in a tree. K. I. S. S. I. N. G!

Saruman: GRRRR….

Wormtongue: First comes Looooove…<br>
Trinity: Breathe…<br>
Wormtongue: Then comes marriage…<br>
Saruman: MUST---- STAY---- CALM…<br>
Wormtongue: Then comes Trinity…<br>
Trinity: Now?

Saruman: Now!

They pull out their guns and start shooting at him! Wormtongue dives behind a rock… They stop…<br>
Wormtongue: Pushn’ a baby carriage!
(Bang!!!) (Another Bang)!!!

Wormtongue: Pull out the diapers, pull out the pins!
(Bang!)

Wormtongue: Trinity and Saruman just had…<br>(Bang!!!)

Saruman: Don’t even THINK of saying IT!!

Wormtongue: TWINS!!!!
(Bang, thunk!!!!!!!)
Meanwhile…<br>
Galadriel: oooOOOO!!! They have candy!!!! What do you mean, I don’t have enough money? Oh well, back to the bank… AGAIN!!!

Meanwhile… in Edoras…<br>
Éowyn (to King Théoden): I do not know what has got into Éomer lately. He’s been jumping around shouting “It’s a conspiracy”, like there’s no tomorrow.
King Théoden: But how are we to know that there isn’t a conspiracy? I have been under the spell of Saruman for so long, I wouldn’t know, Éowyn. We must fly to the fortress of HELM’S DEEP!!!!

Éowyn: But we’re not under ATTACK!!!

King Théoden: So right you are, Éowyn, my dear. We must set forth to ride unto BREE. NORA LIM, ASFALOTH, NORA LIM! (Ride fast)

Éowyn: Have you been into the Ent draught again??

King Théoden: No…. well, yes, but that’s not the point.

Éomer walks in.

Éomer: IT’S A CONSPIRACY, I SAY, A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!

Sam (from corner): Drat, he figured us out.

King Théoden: EEEKK!!!!! It’s a SPY rat SEE?!?!?!?
(He’s slightly drunk, so it sounds like spear-it-see AKA conspiracy!)

Éowyn: Not you TOO!!!

King Théoden: NO, NO… it’s a Spy rat… See!!!

Sam: I am NOT a rat… see!!! Get out from under there Aragorn!!!
They all look at Aragorn…. And notice that he is looking swooningly at Èowyn…<br>
Éowyn: Sheesh…. It IS a conspiracy!! IT IS… IT IS!!!!!

Aragorn: A rose by any other name would smell so sweet!!!

Sam: Cut with the Shakespeare already… first Gandalf, then you too!?!?!?

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile… Somewhere in the confines of Eregoin… (the west side of Moria)
Celeborn: Vengeance will be mine… MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!!
Legolas: Yah… I’ve heard. But did we have to take the pass of Caradhras???
Celeborn: You are a wimp. You know that I hate dwarves.
Legolas: I’m not a wimp. (under his breath) There was only five avalanches, two orc attacks, a fell voice was in the air, and I almost was killed.
Celeborn: Quit griping. It could have been worse.
Legolas: Ri-i-iGHT.

Meanwhile….
Faramir: I am NOT helping you. I’ve got to get back to Ithilien.
Agent Carter: Where are the candies???
Faramir: YOU MUST LET ME GO!!!!!
Agent Johnson: Now he knows how FRODO felt.
Faramir: Frodo who… I know no Frodo.
Agent Carter: Oh, I forgot, he hasn’t watched Lord of the Rings. But Faramir, we KNOW you know where the candies are. You could tell us now and make it easy, or you could join us in the Matrix….
And this time Morpheus won’t be there to save you.
Faramir: I do NOT give even the slightest bit of a hint to the servants of the enemy.
Suddenly something swoops down from above the knocks the agents over!
Jim: OOPS!!!!
Faramir: No, no, that was good…. TRUST ME!!!! Now can you get me to the Shire quickly!!! (before they regain consciousness.)
Jim: Yes, hop on.

Meanwhile… somewhere in Rohan.
Neo: Where do we go first?
Frodo: The troll Shaws.
Neo: Why?
Frodo: That’s where I lost the ring. Maybe we better stop in Edoras to get supplies and a couple of horses.
Neo: Yes, we better. I still wish I knew where Trin’ was.
(He starts walking east.)
(Frodo giggles)
Neo: All right, Baggins… where IS Edoras???
Frodo (pointing west and laughing hysterically at Neo): That way.
Neo: NOW he tells me that we are standing right beside it. (mutter, mutter, mutter)
Meanwhile… in Lothlòrien…<br> G2 and Haldir are still arguing!!!
Haldir: You cannot pass…
G2: That’s not your line.
Haldir: Who says? I get my orders from Lady Galadriel!
G2: That’s not an order… it’s a fact.
Haldir: I still say you breathe too loud. (sticks his tongue out at her)
G2: And I still say you’re human. (NA, NA, NA, NA, NA!!!)
Haldir: AM NOT!!!
Meanwhile… in Bag-End…<br> A Shadowy figure appears at the door…
S. F: I’m looking for Mr. Frodo Baggins… I was told he dwelt here…
Gandalf: Who are you, and why do you ask of Frodo???
S .F: I seek him for I believe I have something for him.
Gandalf: But who are you?
Boromir draws his sword.
Boromir: He must have something to do with the conspiracy.
Gandalf: To be or not to be, is no longer the question.
Merry: You bet it’s not the question; it’s been the question for ages.
Pippin: No more Hamlet, PLEASE???
Goldberry: For mine own part, it was Greek to me.
Merry glares at her.
(Pippin: But you don’t know Greek.)
Goldberry: It wasn’t Hamlet!
Gandalf: Good point. EHEM (Clears Throat), A horse, a horse! MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!!!
Pippin: Oh, boy!
Morpheus: Wasn’t that Hamlet?
S. F: I don’t think so.
Morpheus: You look familiar…<br>S. F: I should… Err… DRAT!!! I CAN’T REMEMBER MY LINE!!!!
Morpheus: Ohh... DRAT… I can’t remember either! OHHHHH… Maybe this will refresh your memories…<br> He tackles him!
Morpheus: Who are YOU???
S. F. (Through clenched teeth): Smith, AGENT SMITH!
Morpheus: Oh well, you all look the same to me anyway.
Agent Smith: That sounded right… I think… but wasn’t there more???
Morpheus: Yes… You’re suppose to tackle me back and then there is a BIG fight scene.
Agent Smith: Right… But I’m not out to get you (yet…)
(Morpheus: Thank goodness)
Agent Smith: I’m looking for Frodo.
Boromir: AH-HA!!! IT IS A CONSPIRACY!!
Agent Smith: No, IT’S NOT. I’m simply looking to give him something that I found.
Everyone looks at him suspiciously…<br>Boromir: YESSSS!!!! I KNEW IT!!!!! CONSPIRACY!!!!!
Agent Smith: WHAT????? I’m NOT part of a… Oh, never mind!
Pippin: Do you even know what that word means, Boromir??
Boromir: Of course I do! It’s a plot… especially an evil one! Or a secret plan to achieve an evil or illegal end. It could also be called a plot, plan, or scheme.
Everyone stares at him open mouthed!
Gandalf: When did YOU memorize an entire dictionary!???!
Someone walks in…<br>P. W. W. I (Person who walked in): He didn’t… He’s always been like that!
Boromir: Faramir!!??!?
P. W. W. I: Boromir??!!?!?
They hug each other!
Faramir: What are you doing HERE???
Boromir: What are YOU doing here???

Meanwhile in Rivendell…<br>Galadriel (Who finally made it!): He’s gone, isn’t he?
Elrond: Yes, he has gone at last.
Glorfindel: Who???
Elrond: Yes, of whom do you speak?
Galadriel: The person with the one ring.
Glorfindel: How did you know about that????
He grabs Elrond and pulls him into a corner.
Glorfindel: Who could’ve told her that???
Elrond: I have my suspicions…<br>Galadriel: If you don’t mind… I’m going to bring my stuff in…<br>Elrond: Whatever…<br>(Narrator: Trinity)
Galadriel leaves. Elrond and Glorfindel continue talking…<br>Elrond: She’s gotta be working for Sauron.
Glorfindel: It’s “Got to”<br>Elrond: Whatever.
Arwen (in background): Grandma, did you get me anything???
Galadriel (In background): Yes dear… I got you a life size statue of Aragorn!
Elrond: You got her WHAT!!!!!!!!!!
Galadriel comes back in… carrying four bags on each arm and balancing two boxes on her head!
Galadriel: Can’t talk yet… Have more stuff to carry in…<br>Glorfindel: She’s gotta have a credit card.
Elrond: Got to.
Glorfindel: Whatever.
Galadriel comes in with five more boxes and two bags.
Galadriel: Not quite finished.
She leaves again.
Elrond: Interesting… Moria collektibles… They spelt “collectibles” wrong!
Glorfindel: Buckleberry shoes? Hobbit holes R US?
Elrond: Where on Middle Earth has she been shopping?
Glorfindel: Crack of Doom collectibles????!!!!!!!
Elrond: Get your very own ONE RING!!!!! There’s a store called the one RING!!!!
Glorfindel: And one called My Precious????!!!!!
Celebrian (In background): A BALROG!!!!!!!!!!!
Glorfindel and Elrond: A WHAT?????????
Galadriel comes running in with a few MORE bags.
Galadriel: I guess she found my mini balrog bust. Glorfindel, can you help my with this last box whilst Elrond revives his wife?
Glorfindel: Sure.
Glorfindel and Galadriel walk out to her wagon… There are a few more bags and two boxes… One is the size of a horse and looks like a big “L” and the other a normal sized box…<br>Galadriel: I need help with this one.
She points at the littlest box…<br> Glorfindel attempts to pick it up… and drops it!
Galadriel: We’ll have to work together.
Together they drag it into the house.
Galadriel: And now for the other.
They carry it into the house and up the stairs. Galadriel pulls out a pocket knife and cuts it apart. Glorfindel realizes that it is actually two boxes taped together… One rather tall and the other one square shaped.
Galadriel: Arwen, come here.
Arwen comes running… The tall box is her life sized statue. The other one they carry upstairs.
Galadriel: Celebrian, you can help me with the rest of my bags.
Celebrian: Okay.
They leave.
Glorfindel: I wonder what is in that box???
Elrond: I wonder where she got half this stuff???
Glorfindel: Ditto. Where on Middle Earth is the store called “Leather vests R US”?
Elrond: And where did she buy candy???
Glorfindel: I didn’t know there was a store in Middle Earth called Future Shop.
Elrond: Or Wal-Mart.
Glorfindel: Or IGA.
Elrond: Or Apple Drugs.
Glorfindel: Although I did know there was a “tour the Bridge of Khazad-dûm” tourist place.
Elrond: Bleach??!!?!?!?
Glorfindel: It’s rather helpful stuff.
Elrond: I didn’t know there was a store called “the Matrix”.
Glorfindel: Playstation???!!!??
Elrond: Where HAS she been shopping???
Galadriel: All right, I’m back.
Elrond: Can you show us some of your stuff???
Glorfindel: Yah???
Arwen (In background): Grandma, do you have any Halls?
Celebrian (also in background): Yah, and Pepsi!
Galadriel: Yes, in my purse. Look in the third pocket from the right!
Glorfindel: What IS in this box???
(Pointing at heavy box)
Galadriel: Oh, that one? (She opens it up) It’s my twenty Mithril vests.
Elrond: Twenty Mithril vests???
Glorfindel: TWENTY MITHRIL VESTS?!!!!?
Galadriel: Yup.
Elrond: And what about in that one???
(Pointing at square box)
Galadriel: Oh, that’s my T.V.
Larry: I thought you said there was no such thing as T.V.?
Elrond: I did. Hush.
Galadriel: What’s with the giant PICKLE???
Larry: Cucumber. Shall I give you my card?
Galadriel: No, I believe you.
Arwen (In background): oooOOOO!!!! Is that a CREDIT CARD???
Celebrian (also in background): No, dear, it’s a debit card!
Galadriel: Now I find out! Sauron is going to have a heart attack!
Elrond: Told you so.

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile… Sauron has a heart attack!
Meanwhile… In Edoras…<br>
Éowyn: Must every man fall in love with me???

Sam: The course of true love never did run smooth.

Aragorn: I thought you didn’t like Shakespeare, Sam.

Sam: Oh, was that Shakespeare. I thought I recognized it!

Éomer: I still say It’s a conspiracy!!!

Sam: But that’s Boromir’s line!


Meanwhile… In Mordor…<br>
Sauron: She drained my account?!?!?!? At this rate
she’ll never find my ring!

He pulls out his cell phone (actually, it’s a Palantìr but serviced by Bell Canada)…<br>
Sauron: Something must be done!!!
Meanwhile…<br>
RRRRIIINNNNGGG!!!!!

G2 pulls out her cell phone. (Also a Palantìr but serviced by Telus)…<br>
G2: UHUH, Yah, right, okay, UHUH, yup…<br>
Haldir: Something seems fishy here…<br> He grabs the phone… (Okay, okay, Palantìr, but you know what I mean.)
At this exact moment… in Rivendell…<br>
Glorfindel: We’re on in thirty seconds…<br>
Elrond: It was a great idea to use your credit card to get us started.

Galadriel: It’s a debit card, but does it matter.

Glorfindel: And you’re on!

Larry: Welcome to Veggie Tales!

Elrond: I’m Elrond the half elf and this is Larry the pickle!

Larry: Cucumber.
Meanwhile…<br>
Sauron: Huuhhh????

Haldir: Huhhhhh???

G2: oooOOOO!!! Veggie Tales!

Haldir: What’s with the big Pickle!??

G2: Cucumber.

Sauron: I knew I should’ve used ROGERS A.T.N.T!

Meanwhile… In Edoras… or sort of, anyhow…<br>
Frodo: When did security get so tight in Rohan.

Hàma (He’s the gate keeper): We have had a few to
many conspiracies. I’m sorry, but we cannot allow you two in so heavily armed.

Frodo: Heavily armed??!! I have a short sword and a gun that’s out of bullets.

Neo (under breath): I have a lot of guns… but still…<br>
Hàma: It is the wishes of Éomer that we avoid conspiracies.

Neo: K…<br>
Frodo: It is our wishes to enter and pick up supplies for our journey.

Hàma: I will check with Éomer and see what he says. You two will wait HERE.

He leaves.

Neo: I think we should do this my way.

Frodo: And what way is that?

Neo: Take a lot of guns and blast your way in.

Frodo: I DON’T THINK SO!!!

Hàma comes back…<br>
Hàma: He said it was a conspiracy and that he wants to
see you.

Frodo: Okay…<br> Meanwhile…<br>
King Théoden: What if it’s a spy rat SEE???

Éowyn: What if it’s a conspiracy????

Éomer: It most likely is.

Éowyn: Who are they???

Éomer: I dunno. One’s a human and the other a halfling.

Sam: Halfling???? He means HOBBIT, right???

Aragorn: If it’s Frodo, it’ll be a conspiracy!!!

King Théoden: A HORSE! A HORSE!!! MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!!! NORA LIM!!! HA-HA-HA!!

Éomer: MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!!
Frodo, Neo, and Hàma walk in…<br>
Sam: Mr. Frodo! You’re alive!!!

Aragorn: Frodo, Where? HE WON’T BE ALIVE WHEN I’M THROUGH WITH HIM!!!

Frodo: Oh, dear. I cannot stay here.
Aragorn grabs Frodo by the collar!

Frodo: You’re (gack) choking me! (gasp) LET GO!!!

Éomer: This is A CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Meanwhile… Faramir sees Agent Smith and
tackles him!!!

Agent Smith: It wasn’t me... Honestly... Pippin, HELP!

Pippin: No fighting in Bag-End!

Treebeard: OOPPS!!!!

(Narrator: Frodo: There’s a hole in my hole, dear Arwen, dear Arwen. There’s a hole in my hole you see… There’s a hole in my hole, Arwen, there’s a hole in my dear hobbit hole…!!!!!)

Merry: Frodo is not going to be very happy… First his lamp and now the roof!!!

Lobilia: And I’m moving in! Good-bye, peoples! Bag-End is mine… mine at last!!!

Boromir: Yep… Conspiracy!

Lobelia: Conspiracy!? Young man, I’ll have you know
that Bag-End is mine by right!

Treebeard: I... See... The... Light...

Lobilia: Now all of you GET OUT!!! You’re contaminating
my beautiful HOUSE!!!

Pippin: It’s not a HOUSE... It’s a hole. H-O-L-E!

Lobilia: Fool of a Took! I knew that much already!

Pippin: Ahh... but who says I'm a Took?

Farmer Maggot and Harry run in!

Farmer Maggot: Which one of you stole my mushrooms????

Merry and Pippin smile sweetly at him!

Sam: But they were GOOD!!!

Farmer Maggot: I don’t mean you guys! I gave you
THOSE mushrooms!

Lobelia: La-la-la-la...
(She sticks her nose in the air and starts whistling)

Gandalf: LOBELIA!??!!?

Lobelia: All of you get OUT! I am not the type to hobnob with Farmers and Wizards and Ents and all those other annoying folk!!!

Pippin: How did SHE know what an ENT was??!!

Lobelia: Fine. TALKING TREES!!! NOW ALL OUT YOU
OUT!!!! AND NOW... EEKKK!!! WHO PUT THAT HOLE IN MY ROOF!!??!!??!!??

Harry: I can fix it!

Lobelia: You’d better. Ohh...
They look at each other lovingly...

Morpheus: That’s our cue to leave.

Treebeard: Did she call me a tree...?

Gandalf: Let’s go!

Pippin: Oh? Where are we going?

Agent Smith: Rivendell, my friend...

Merry: I know this isn’t my line but... Rivendell... Did you hear that? We’re goin’ to see the elves!

Farmer Maggot: Just don’t steal my crops!

Pippin and Merry (with crossed fingers): We won’t!!!

Boromir: Pippin, no conspiracies.

Pippin: DRAT!

Farmer Maggot: I suppose that is a justifiable definition of a conspiracy.

Merry: Double DRAT!

Farmer Maggot leaves.

(Narrator: Agent Smith)

For the sake of things... Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Éomer, Éowyn, and King Théoden are in Edoras. Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Faramir, Boromir, Morpheus, Treebeard, Goldberry, and myself are all leaving the Shire. In Bag-End Harry and Lobelia are fixing the roof. Elrond, Glorfindel, Galadriel, and Larry are filming Veggie Tales in Rivendell. Celeborn and Legolas are somewhere in Eregoin... Saruman and Trinity are in Isengard still... Haldir and G2 are watching Veggie Tales! Sauron is MAD...!!! And as for Gollum...

Gollum: Candiessss are gone yesss, precioussssss. The tresss sssstole it from ussss, yesssss. The treessss a thief (gollum, gollum). Yesss, he sssstole it from usssss, preciousssss, MY CANDIESSSSSS!!!

Meanwhile... In Edoras...

Éomer: How dare you start a CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Frodo: But I'm not a conspiracy!

Sam: Be NICE to Mr. Frodo!

Aragorn: But you are a pest... And you TIED ME UP!!!!

(Éomer gasps) That IS a conspiracy!!!

Frodo: I was different then.

Neo: You tied HIM up!!!!????

Frodo nods.

Aragorn: Are you frightened?

Frodo and Neo: Yes.

Aragorn: Good.

No one notices that Éowyn and Hàma have left the room...

Éowyn (To Hama): Go and get me my horse.

Hàma: But...

Éowyn: Now!!!

Hàma leaves...

Éowyn: Something’s not right here... And I think it must have a beginning... Perhaps in the west where that hobbit was from. He was headed back there.

Hàma returns leading a horse.

Hàma: Will this horse do? He is yours.

Éowyn: Thank you... Now if you tell anyone that I left, I
will personally chop off your head!

Hàma: I won’t.

Éomer: But I already know!

Éowyn: Hàma...

Hàma: I didn’t tell him, honest, lady Éowyn. He found out himself. Please don’t hurt me... Don’t chop off my head. I’m rather fond of it myself. Don’t do anythin’... unnatural!

Éomer: You were going to chop off his head?!?!?!?!

Éowyn: Only if he told.

Hàma: But I didn’t!

Éowyn: Don’t worry, I believe you. But as for you,
Éomer... Go back. I'm going to Mor... RIVENDELL alone!

Éomer: Err... These aren’t our lines but... Of course you are! And I'm comin’ with you!

Éowyn: If you must.

Éomer: All right! It’s not a conspiracy!

They ride off into the plains of Rohan...

Meanwhile...

Trinity:Did I get him???

Saruman: I think so.

Trinity: Serves him right for calling us boy and girl
friends!

Saruman (Under breath): Awww... (Out loud): Thanks for helping though.

Trinity: Any time. But I should be going... Hey what’s going on!!!!????

She disappears!

Agent Johnson and Agent Carter are
standing in her place!

Saruman: Who are you and where did you put Trinity?

Agent Johnson: OoooO! Saruman has a GIRLFRIEND!!!

Saruman: I'm warning you, I have a loaded GUN in my hand!

Agent Carter: Saruman is in LOVE!!! oooOOOO!!!!
(Bang)

Saruman: I didn’t know they could dodge BULLETS!!!

Agent Carter: I'm leaving. I have to be back in the
Matrix to make sure Trinity doesn’t escape.

Saruman: Good Riddance!

Agent Carter: And Farewell to you as well!
He disappears.
Saruman: So who are you?

Agent Johnson: I'm Agent Johnson. But you see, Saruman, a new power is arising. A new age is beginning. We must rule it. We must join with him, Saruman the white, we must join with the Matrix!

Saruman: That line sounds strangely familiar... Now go AWAY!!!

Agent Johnson: Fine... But remember what I told you when you die... powerless...

Saruman: I won’t. Good-bye.

Meanwhile... In Mordor...

Sauron: No longer will I trust women to find my rings. The Nazgûl will ride fourth once again! I will get MY RING BACK!!! And I will also never again give Gold Credit Cards to ring wraiths and Debit cards for the sake of Bribery!!!! That was a nassssty bill!
Meanwhile...

Éomer: The woods of Fangorn are troubled.

Éowyn: So they are... But we cannot linger here.

Éomer: Come, Éowyn, my sister. Let us enter the
woods. Perhaps we shall find the hyper conspiracy.

Éowyn: Okay... But will you PLEASE stop using that word?!?

And so Éowyn and Éomer enter the woods of
Fangorn Forest...

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile... in the absence of Galadriel and Celeborn G2 and Haldir get married and become the new Lord and Lady of Lòrien...
Meanwhile... The Nazgûl ride into Eregion... (Without any credit cards...)
Meanwhile... Lobelia and Harry fall in love... (And all for the fix of a hole!!)
Meanwhile... Larry and Neo disappear...
And Meanwhile... (Heard this word before...!!)
Frodo: I don’t like BEING CHOKED!!!
Aragorn: IT serves you right, PEST!!!
Sam: Be nice to Mr. Frodo!
King Théoden: What can I say, Sam? Only this: life is one BIG conspiracy and it usually takes a horse to get out of!... Or the Force!
Aragorn: I’ve always wanted to squeeze the guts out of you, Frodo!
Frodo: Sam, is my face blue?
King Théoden: May the Force be with you!
Sam: That is SO not your line!
King Théoden: Aww... But who says it’s not... NORA LIM!
Aragorn: Die, you pesky Hobbit, DIE!!!!!
Frodo: I don’t wanna (akk) die (gasp)!
Sam: Is that an Oliphant?!?
Aragorn: Where?
Sam grabs Frodo!
Sam; Made you LOOK!
Aragorn: Why you...
Meanwhile...
Legolas: Look! Up there! A black Rider!
Celeborn: Where?? Let me at him! Let me at HIM!!!
Legolas: Wait! He might be dangerous!
Celeborn: I’ll get it! (He jumps at Him... Err... IT!)
Legolas: I guess that answers my question!
Celeborn tears the ring wraith into itty bitty pieces!!!!
Legolas: Remind me to NEVER get that guy angry!!
Meanwhile... near Bree...
Jim (Who is on his air scooter): You need anything???
Gandalf: Yes. Fly to Edoras. I believe that is where Aragorn took Sam. It may also be that Frodo is there. Tell them to come to Rivendell AT ONCE!
Jim: Okay. I’ll be back... Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.
Meanwhile... at Weathertop Hill...
Orlando: This hill is radical! Opps!!! OOOOVVVERRRSHOOOT!!!
He goes flying backwards towards Bree...
In Bree...
Pippin: Why is there a man falling out of the sky?
Gandalf: Fool of a Took!!! There is not ...
Orlando Bloom lands on Gandalf’s head!
Gandalf: Oof!!! What the???
Orlando: Hey, man, you softened my landing!
Pippin: Told yah so!
Boromir: It’s a...
Morpheus: Don’t SAY IT!
Boromir: A flying person, you NITWIT!
Merry: Cool! It’s a nitwit!
Goldberry: Ah.. Romeo, Romeo...
Orlando: I am NOT Romeo or a NITWIT!!!
Faramir: Nice solar surfer, Dude!
Orlando: Thanks, Dude!
Boromir: Does “dude” mean conspiracy???
Gandalf: No, it does NOT!!! It is in the language of... Err... JUST STOP USING THAT WORD!!!
Boromir starts singing “Opps I Did it Again”!
Goldberry: Ouch! I though Tom was bad! I’m losing my grip!!!
She starts singing “Losing Grip”!
Orlando: Are they always this crazy???
Pippin: No... Usually it’s just Hamlet and Conspiracies, and not hastiness... Err... YES they are always CRAZY!!!
Meanwhile...
Éomer: Look at all the candies!
An ent runs by...
Ent: My precioussss...!
He looks lovingly at the candies...
Gollum sneaks in...
The ent leaves... (Without the candies...)
Gollum takes the candies...
Bilbo walks in and takes the candies away from Gollum.
Bilbo: For the record... This is now a contest. I will challenge the creature with riddles and he will too... If I win: I keep the candies... But if it wins: it keeps the candy.
Gollum: Sssss, Lasst time thisss hasssty hobbit did thisss, it cheated, yessss preciousss.
Éomer and Éowyn shrug and sit down.
Bilbo: Okay then, would you rather tell jokes?
Gollum: Sssss.
Bilbo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Gollum: Ssss, Sssss... (Time passes by slowly while he thinketh) To get away from Cournel Saunders.
Bilbo: Now it’s your turn.
Gollum: Why did the turkey cross the road?
Bilbo: Same reason as last.
Gollum: Ssssss.
Bilbo: I presume that means I guessed correctly. What goes: Ho, ho, ho, CLUNK??
Gollum: Santa Clause falling down a chimney.
Bilbo: This is too easy.
Gollum: Does it guess easy, preciousss? Then let’ssss do trivia?
Bilbo: Let’s. You first.
Gollum: How many teeth do I have???
Bilbo: Not a fair question, no!
Fortunately he remembered this from last time he was with Gollum.
Bilbo: Six, six!
Gollum: Ssss, Nasssty, nasssty, hobbit. Stupid hobbit.
Éowyn: He got it right.
Éomer: Shh.
Bilbo: What denominations of coins do they use in New Zealand?
Gollum: Not a fair question either, no. We’ve never heard of New Zeelend, precious, no.
Bilbo: Answer the question.
Gollum: One, twenty, fifty, one$.
Bilbo: They don’t use pennies. MWHA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!
Gollum: Ssss, not fair, no! What is the most commonly used last name in the USA?
Bilbo: That’s not fair either! I’ve never heard of the USA!
Gollum and Bilbo: I think riddles are a lot more fun.
Gollum: You go first.
Bilbo: YESSS! (Gollum: Not good, precious, no) I have a real tough one!
Gollum: Precious, ask it then.
Bilbo: A man was lost in a dark cave. He had only one match. He came to a room the had a pile of wood and a candle. What should he light first?
But Gollum had spent many of his years in the dark, plus he had heard this kind of thing before.
Gollum: The match, preciousss, yesss, the match.
Bilbo: Drat.
Gollum: There was a plain...
Bilbo: You spelt that wrong.
Gollum: Ssss, Ssssss, Plane flying between Mexico and the USA. There is a river that divides the two countries called the Rio Grande. The plain...
Bilbo: Plane.
Gollum: Plain crashed into the middle of the Rio Grande.
Bilbo: Plane.
Gollum: Does it matter, precious? It crashed into the river, yessss. Lots of the peoples were from the Usa side of the border and lots from the other side. Lots died, yess precious. Which side will they bury the survivors on? Some of which are Mexican and others are America.
Bilbo: Half a moment.
He thought quickly and realized the clue word.
Bilbo: They didn’t. The survivors went home.
Gollum: Ssss, Ssss, you wen’t suppose to guesss that, no.
Bilbo: What has forests without trees?
Gollum: Not a riddle, no. A map, of course. What has eyes that do not see??
Bilbo: Too easy. Taters.
Gollum: What’s “Taters”?
Bilbo: PO-TA-TO.
Gollum: Sssss, yesss.
Bilbo: What have...
Gollum: Pocketses aren’t fair questionsss, no, stupid hobbit.
Bilbo: ...I got in my hat?
Gollum: Ssss, stupid hobbit, nasssty, nasssty, hobbit.
Bilbo: It’s not a pocket.
Gollum: Nothing?
Bilbo: No, peabrain.
Gollum: Am not peabrain, nitwit. Is it my precious?
Bilbo: Defiantly not.
Gollum: Glow-in-the-Dark Silly Putty?
Bilbo: No. My HEAD, Stupid. NA- NA- NA- NA- NA!!!! I WIN!!! MWHA- HA- HA- HA!!!
Gollum runs away screeching.
Bilbo hands the candy to Éowyn.
Éowyn (to Éomer): Don’t say it!
Meanwhile... Jim tells Aragorn to stop sitting on Frodo and to go to Rivendell... Frodo and Sam find Shadowfax, and Aragorn goes with Jim on his Solar Surfer... King Théoden decides that it was a conspiracy then falls back under the spell of Saruman... (Who is evil once again...)
Éowyn and Éomer continue traveling.. but Aragorn, Jim, Frodo, and Sam pass them...
But once again the candies have been found...

(Narrator: Galadriel)
Life goes on in Middle-earth although of late things have been troubled. Still the effects of the candies are slowly wearing off with each passing moment. Things are slowly returning to normal... But, to regain the former peace the ring must be destroyed. And the thing that has went so long unforeseen has happened... A conspiracy... The nine have arisen, left their strongholds in Mordor; and the ring, the ring of power has been found...
As both Boromir and Éomer have said: “It’s a conspiracy.”<br> Meanwhile...
Éomer (Hey, you knew it was coming): It’s a conspiracy!
Éowyn (In honor of my best friend): Stick it in your ear!
Éomer: That is not a nice thing to say, Éowyn, so stick it in your ear!
Bilbo: Can I come with you? I don’t particularly enjoy being chased by hasty ents.
Suddenly Neo and Trinity appear!
Neo: How did you get here, Frodo?
Bilbo: Do I look that young for my age? I’m his, like, uncle (actually, cousin) Bilbo.
Trinity: I knew I lost those pesky candies around here someplace!
Éomer: It’s a...
Neo: Don’t bother saying it.
Éomer: What? Conspiracy?
Éowyn: He said it. (Sigh) If you say that again, I will personally smack you!
Éomer: What??? Conspi...
Trinity: Shh.
Éomer: Why? Is it a...
Neo: Shh.
Éomer: But it’s a...
Éowyn: I’m warning you.
Éomer: Stick it in your ear! NORA LIM! NORA LIM, ASFALOTH!!!
Éowyn: Ugg. Let’s just get this over with. (She slaps him.)
Éomer: OUCH! Where are we going?
Éowyn: Any ideas, Bilbo
Bilbo: Might I suggest Rivendell?
Éomer: Sure. (It’s a conspiracy!)
Bilbo: I caught that.
Éomer: Shh.
So they leave Fangorn and set out towards Rivendell, a three day journey. For some odd reason the others (Aragorn, Jim, Sam, And Frodo) beat them. And as for the others...
Gandalf: To be or not to be-- that is the question.
Pippin: No, the question is: where are we going?
Merry: Shouldn’t’ve said that, Pip!
Gimli: Fool of a Took! We’re going to Rivendell.
Pippin starts crying!
Treebeard: Now, don’t be hasty, master dwarf.
Faramir: Dwarf? I thought we had one wizard, two hobbits, five humans, and one ent.
Boromir: It’s a conspiracy.
Gimli: Can’t I join you? I’m not a bad dwarf.
Orlando: Sure.
Morpheus: I’d be fine with it.
Gandalf: So be it. Our company shall now be ten.
Boromir: And ya’ll know what I think.
Faramir: Don’t even think of thinking it!

[Tiana, eh?]

(Narrator: Galadriel): The world is changed... i amar prestar aen... I can feel it in the water... han mathon ne nen... I feel it in the earth... han mabathon ne chae... I smell it in the air... a noston ned, wilth’... Much that once was is lost... for none...

(Narrator: Elrond): Get on with it already!

(Narrator: Galadriel): Now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the elves, immortal, wisest, fairest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men...

(Narrator: Elrond): Yah, yah. Men are WEAK!

(Narrator: Galadriel): Who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived for another ring was made.

(Narrator: Elrond): Hurry up!

(Narrator: Galadriel): I am! In the fires of Mount Doom the dark lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring to control all the others. One ring to rule them all! One by one the free lands of Middle-earth fell under the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted!

(Narrator: Elrond): Yah, whatever. There was a war. Isildur took the ring and Sauron was destroyed.

(Narrator: Galadriel): Isildur, son of the KING. But the hearts of men are easilly corrupted and the ring of power has a will of its own...

(Narrator: Elrond): The ring was lost in the river.

(Narrator: Galadriel): History became Legend, Legend became Myth...

(Narrator: Elrond): Yada, yada, yada.

(Narrator: Galadriel): Shut up and let me finish, you...

(Narrator: Elrond): Watch your language and hurry up. And for two and a half thousand years the ring passed out of all knowledge.

(Narrator: Galadriel): I get the point. And some things the should not have been forgotten, were lost.

All the lights go on, Galadriel and Elrond are glaring at each other. (This is in Rivendell)

Glorfindel: Must you two always argue?

Elrond and Galadriel: Yes!

Glorfindel: Can you stop long enough to greet some guests?

Galadriel and Elrond: No.

Elrond and Galadriel: Let Arwen greet them.

Elrond and Galadriel: Stop saying everything I’m saying!

Galadriel and Elrond: I’m not, you are!

Elrond and Galadriel: Stop doing that!

Glorfindel: Oh, well, I tried. I wonder if I should tell him that Arwen is kissing Aragorn?

Meanwhile... In the Shire...

Hark, hear the bells upon the air? Lobilia and Harry fell in love! The only problem with this is: Lobilia is no longer a Baggins! She’s Mrs. Lobelia Heathertoes of Bree!

Meanwhile...

Cavetroll: Duh, is that a swo...

Thunk!

Celeborn: YES!!!! I got ANOTHER ONE!

Legolas: I think I liked him better when he was tied up in that tree!

Celeborn: OOO!!! ANOTHER ORC!!!!

Legolas: Can’t we just find your wife, sir?
Thunk!!!

Celeborn: And why, might I ask?

Legolas: She could be in danger.

Celeborn: Oh, well, who cares. This is more fun!

Legolas (Grabs Celeborn and shakes him): I DO! You might not care if your wife is decapitated but I do! Now either we go find her or I tie you back up!

Celeborn: All right, all right, we’ll find her. But I HIGHLY doubt they will decapitate her!

Legolas: Shall I reacount the tale of Ilandur for you?

Celeborn: Let’s just go to Rivendell.

Legolas: He was my second cousin once removed on my mothers side.

Celeborn: Rrright.

Meanwhile...

Gollum: I don’t like that nassty, nasssty hobbit! He’ssss
a thief! He sssstole my candiesss and my preciousss, gollum, gollum, HE STOLE THEM, PRECIOUS!!!

Meanwhile...

Gimli: Can’t we go to Lothlòrien? I hear Galadriel is beautiful!

Gandalf: We’re going to Rivendell and that’s final! There we will decide the fate of the ring aned whether we can go to Lòrien.

Gimli: Drat.

Meanwhile... In Rivendell...

Aragorn and Arwen are kissing!

Frodo: As long as it keeps him from sitting on me, I’m happy.

Sam: But what will Elrond say?

Meanwhile... Larryboy reappears in Middle-earth (Eregion) with a borrowed Larrymobile! (His is in the shop... Remember... (In the Good, the Bad, and the Eggly)

Legolas: COOL! What’s that?

Celeborn: A giant pickle?

Legolas: I think it’s a cucumber! A purple cucumber!

Celeborn: What’s the gizmo that it’s driving?

Larry: It’s my rocket car. The Larrymobile!

Legolas: Cool... Can you...

Celeborn: Legolas, don’t...

Legolas: Get us to Rivendell?

Larry: Yep!

Celeborn pulls Legolas aside.

Celeborn: Do you know what you’re getting us into? You are the one who was worring about my dearest wife being decapitated.

Legolas: Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.

Celeborn: I sure hope so.

Meanwhile... somewhere out there, under the
rainbow...

Éowyn: This is an interesting walking party we have here. One hobbit (who hopefully will be our guide), one annoying human (namingly, my insarn brother), two madly in love humans (who don’t know a thing about Middle-earth), and, of course, myself. We’re no rangers.

Bilbo: I think we’re the only sane ones here.

Éomer: I’m sane!!!! MWHA- HA- HA- HA!!! IT’S AN OBVIOUS CONSPIRACY!!!!

Éowyn slaps him again.

Éomer: Hey! Quit slapping me! It’s a consp...

(He stops when he notices Éowyn glaring at him)

Éomer: EH-HEM! Nora lim, NORA LIM!!! May the HORSE be with you!!! HA- HA-HA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!! MWHA- HA- HA!!! NORA LIM!!!

Bilbo: Did he by any chance, eat some of those candies?

Éowyn: It’s a possibility.

Trinity: Yup!

Éowyn: <<<sighs>>> Can things get any worse?

Gollum: I want my preciousssesss!!!

Éomer: Conspiracy is what it is!

Neo pulls out his gun and shoots him (Gollum, not Éomer!).

Bilbo: <<<gasps>>> How could you do that?! Have you no pity?

Neo: Pity him? He deserved death.

Bilbo: Death? I daresay he did. Many that live deserve death. But many that die deserve life? Can you give it to
them?

Trinity: I wouldn’t’ve used those lines on Neo...

Neo: It depends...

Meanwhile...

Saruman: Who killed all my beautiful Urak-hai?
(He starts crying!)

Saruman: I think I’m going to join with the Matrix. It sounds cool!

Meanwhile... in the Troll Shaws...

Agent Smith: This place looks familiar. I’ve been here before.

Faramir: You have?

Boromir: What’s with the three big ugly rocks that look like trolls?

Gandalf smiles faintly...!

Pippin: Somehow, I think Gandalf knows more than he lets on.

Gimli: Fool of a Took! Of course he does.

Pippin starts crying!

Gandalf: Be quiet, Gimli. And move, or I shall chop off thy head!

Gimli starts crying!

Boromir: IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!!

Gandalf: Shut up, Boromir! Or I will turn you into something unnatural!

Boromir starts crying!

Orlando: Crybabies!

Merry: I’m not a crybaby!

Orlando: Yes, you are.

Merry starts crying as well!

Gandalf: Now look what you’ve done, Lego... Orlando!

Orlando: I am so not Legolas! For that, I’m going to take your pointy hat and stomp on it!

He stomps on the pointy hat!

Gandalf: Meany!

He starts crying!

They go on slowly, for most of them are crying!

Meanwhile... Saruman “Joins with the Matrix”...

Meanwhile...

Arwen: I love you, Aragorn!

Aragorn: Ditto.

(Smooch)

Sam: Eeew!

Frodo: One of these days you will think differently.

Sam: For now, I think that I will never ride Shadowfax
again.

Frodo: Ditto.

Meanwhile... In the Matrix...

Agent Johnson: Welcome to the Matrix, Saruman the Tie-died.

Saruman: Thanks, but I like being Saruman the White better.

Agent Johnson: Have you ever tried keeping white
clothes clean?

Saruman: Yes. Why do you think that I wear Tie-die?

Agent Johnson: Good point.

Saruman: I think I’ll just become Saruman the Leather biker!

Agent Johnson: How ‘bout Agent Saruman?

Saruman: But I like leather!

Meanwhile...

Gandalf: To be, or not to be-- that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to...

Merry: Shut up and quit with the Hamlet!

Gandalf: The hobbit doth protest too much, methinks!

Merry: <<<sigh>>> Something’s rotten in the state of
Denmark.

Glorfindel: Actually, Rivendell, but that’s not the question.

Gandalf: Where did you come from?

Boromir: Conspiracy?

Agent Smith: No. Trust me, he is no conspiracy! (under breath) Anyone who saves my life is not a conspiracy!

Glorfindel: Mae govannan, Agent Smith.

Agent Smith: Well met indeed. That was what it meant, wasn’t it?

Orlando (staring at the troll statues): Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.

Glorfindel: Legolas?

Orlando: NO, I AM NOT LEGOLAS!!!

Gandalf: Don’t mind him. He has this problem with being called Legolas.

Glorfindel: Then who is he?

Boromir: He’s a CONSPIRACY!!! NORA LIM!!! MWHA- HA- HA- HA!!!

Orlando: Bloom, Orlando Bloom. And not a conspiracy!

Gandalf: Gimli, why are you running?

Gimli: Asfaloth is chasing me!!! HELP!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Glorfindel: Nora Lim!!! NORA LIM!!!

Gimli: Jee, thanks.

Pippin: Go Gimli, Go Gimli!!

Gimli: Thanks, Pippin!!! HELP!!!!!

Glorfindel: NORA LIM, ASFALOTH, NORA LIM!!!

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile... outside of Fangorn...
Bilbo: I cannot believe that you killed him.
Éowyn: There are many weapons in this world, Neo, and none of them should be used lightly.
Neo: It didn’t hurt anything.
Éowyn: And it didn’t hurt Gollum?!
Éomer: MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!! HA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!
Éowyn: Éomer, get down from that tree this instant!
AAAAHHH
AAAAAHHH
AAAAAHHH
H N !!!!! THUNK!!!!
T ^ U^ K^ THUNK!!!!
Éowyn: You could’ve climbed down.
Trinity: NUT!!!
Éowyn: Aren’t we all?
Trinity: YUP!
Meanwhile...
Legolas: Larryboy, do you have motion sickness bags? Celeborn looks a little green.
Celeborn: UGGGG!!!!
Larry: I don’t know. Can’t he wait?
Celeborn: UGGG!!!!
Larry: Try pressing the green button.
Legolas: Okay...
Our story now changes to the perspective of an onlooker... You were going about your everyday business when suddenly a purple flash whizzes by... Then stops suddenly... Two elves and a purple pickle fly out of the top and hit a tree. The purple pickle stands up and says, “Wrong button.”<br> You pull out your Palantìr cell phone and dail for help.
Meanwhile... in the Troll Shaws...
The company is divided... Merry, Pippin, Boromir, Agent Smith, and Morpheus are routing for Gimli, while Gandalf, Glorfindel, Faramir, Goldberry, and Orlando are cheering on Asfaloth. Treebeard isn’t cheering for anyone.
Gimli: HELP!!!!!!!!!
Glorfindel: NORA LIM!!!!!
Faramir: NA- NA- NA- NA- NA!!!!
Boromir: It’s a CONSPIRACY!!!!!
Suddenly something swoops down from above and grabs Gimli!
Glorfindel: AI! AI! A Ringwraith! A Ringwraith has come!!
Jim: I’m not a ringwraith!
(Narrator: Trinity)
The Larrymobile has crashed and an onlooker has called for help. And help they reach...
Meanwhile... Somewher in the farthest reaches of the Galaxies...
(RING! RING! RING!) A phone rings... A phone that is not from this galaxy...
C3P0: Do you hear something?
R2-D2: BeEp!! BEeeEP BiP. BEEp!
C3P0: You’re right, it must be Luke’s cell phone.
(RING! RING!)
R2-D2: BEEeEP BIP CLIcK!
C3P0: All right, I’ll answer it.
He picks up the cell phone.
C3P0: Hello, what seems to be the problem? Oh, dear. Artoo, get Luke. The person on the other end says that purple thing with a pickle and two elves (?) just crashed . It seem to have been a wrong number but I think that we should help anyway.
R2-D2: BEeEP bip BliP BeEp.
C3P0: I do not know. Hold on, Artoo.
Larry (Shouted through phone loud enough to hear): I’M A CUCUMBER!!!
C3P0: Does that help, Artoo?
R2-D2: BiP.
He rolls away.
C3P0 contiues talking to the person on the other end of the phone. Soon Artoo comes back with Luke Skywalker and a doubtful looking Captain Han Solo.
Luke: I’ll take the phone now, Threepio.
C3P0 gives the phone to Luke.
C3P0: They seem to be rather upset.
R2-D2: BeeeP! bIp BliP.
C3P0: What is the matter, Captain?
Han: I haven’t used my Blaster in three days. There are no mirrors in this ship so that I can gaze at my beautiful self. I’m bored.
Luke: You won’t be bored much longer. We’re going to some planet called Middle-earth.
Han: Never heard of it. But you know what? I get orders from one person: ME!!!
C3P0: There are many uncharted planets in our galaxy.
Luke: I didn’t say it was in our galaxy. Come on.
Han: Cool! I’m in!
R2-D2: BeeeP BiP BlIP sKERRRCK!!
C3P0: No, Artoo, it’s not a conspiracy!
Meanwhile... in the Troll Shaws...
Gimli: Put me down!!! No one tosses a dwarf!!!!
Gandalf: ‘Tis a strange sight...
Glorfindel: ASFALOTH!!!! STOP!!!!
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What?
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Orlando: Who’s the big tree?
Treebeard: Tree??? I am no TREE. I am an ent.
Orlando: Merry, the tree is talking to me.
Merry: He’s not a tree, he’s an ent; a treeherder.
Orlando: Don’t talk to it, Merry. Don’t encourage it.
Boromir: It’s a...
<<<SLAP!!!>>>
Boromir: That’s it! I’m getting a helmet!
Goldberry: I tire of whacking you.
Boromir: Then don’t.
Glorfindel: DON’T NORA LIM, ASFALOTH!!! STOP!!!!
(Narrator: Galadriel)
The world is changed... Very changed... Middle-earth is no longer as Middle-earth, but instead is becoming the Matrix, and maybe now Star-Wars...! Life has become strange, different then it was before. Times are changing, lives of people are being influenced by those who do not belong here. We must join forces to decide now what must be done.
Meanwhile... in the Matrix...
Saruman (Who now looks like Count Dooku): I know these people. They will try to stop this plan... This plot that all began with the candies. I understand so well now that it has been explained by one who knows why.
Agent Johnson: I thought you might understand. The candy was just a way to get out main apposers out of the way so we could take over the Matrix. The only reason we pulled them out the one time is because they were getting too close to finding us out. The Larryboy thing was accidental, we couldn’t help it. And the candies were bugged so that we could keep an eye on things.
Saruman: And you seen my potential as an agent so you pulled me in.
Agent Johnson: Correct. All most all things that we had tried are done now, with only a few problems.
Saruman: So you’re saying: a new power has arisen?
Agent Johnson; Yes, Mr. Saruman. Now if we could fix the few mistakes we did, we’d be on a roll.
Saruman: What problems?
Agent Johnson: Well... we received word that due to the fact that we had to run power lines to Middle-earth so we could cause a Matrix there, an elf accidentally contacted Luke Skywalker. He is rumored to be in Middle-earth with his two droids and Captain Han Solo.
Saruman: Yes...
Agent Carter: Agent Smith found the One Ring then turned good. This caused all his counterparts to also fall to the good side.
Agent Johnson: Now the Matrix is being ran over by good Smith doubles. It’s freaky.
Saruman: Freaky?
Agent Carter: Odd, unusual, to the point of frightening.
Saruman: Ahh. So could I consider a lightsaber freaky?
Agent Johnson: I think we need to change the definition of freaky. But yes, a lightsaber is odd, unusual, to the point of frightening.
Agent Carter: Especially if you don’t know how to use it.
Saruman: But it’s not freaky?
Agent Johnson: That’s off the topic. Now, we need to get the One Ring, get rid of those who don’t belong within this plot, and use our power to rule Middle-earth and the Matrix.
Saruman: And whom is it that doesn’t belong.
Agent Carter: Orlando Bloom, Larryboy, Jim Hawkins, and the Anti-Matrix people.
Agent Johnson: Then we can turn things back to normal.
Saruman: Normal??
Agent Carter: Sure. We’ve been using the power of the Matrix to influence those weak-minded people that we can.
Agent Johnson: Until we can cause the full power to be in effect, only some can be effected.
Agent Carter: I suppose it’s like the Force thing. Only some things can be effected.
Saruman: No, no, I understand that much. I want to know who’s been effected.
Agent Carter: Well, let’s see. Gandalf, for certain.
Saruman: Gandalf?
Agent Johnson: Sure. You don’t think he’s quoting Hamlet regularly, do you?
Agent Carter: Lobilia and Harry. We made them fall in love.
Agent Johnson: I’ve caused Galadriel and Elrond to argue.
Agent Carter: And I made her into a shopaholic.
Saruman: Yes, I heard something about a credit card.
Agent Carter: Debit card, actually. I also effected Frodo, made him into “Agent Baggins”.
Agent Johnson: The only problem with that was: he took Agent Smith’s place.
Saruman: I noticed that.
Agent Johnson: We even effected you for a while. You were in love with Trinity.
Agent Carter: NA- NA- NA- NA- NA!!! And I made Celeborn somewhat violent <<<giggle>>>!
Saruman: What about Gollum?
Agent Johnson: That icky critter? That was naturally occurring. But Éomer’s annoying habits weren’t.
Agent Carter: I did that.
Saruman: And that’s it?
Agent Johnson: I believe so. There were a few others, but none important. We couldn’t effect Faramir or Boromir, had to use other methods with them.
Agent Carter: Like hypnotizing Boromir. Not that we needed to; he was already positive that it was a conspiracy. With Faramir we had to resort to force, and Éowyn was impossible to alter with mind. Bilbo was a tough character as well, we gave up on him.
Agent Johnson: And those who don’t belong in Middle-earth cannot be effected either.
Saruman: So you can’t be effected?
Agent Carter: Nope.
Agent Johnson: I believe that we need to go back to Middle-earth though. We need to get the One Ring, and take over the world!!! MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!
Saruman: This should be interesting.
Meanwhile...
Han: This has been an interesting day. First we recive a phone call from a person in another galaxy, then we go and help a gaint purple pickle fix it’s rocket car, then we revive two overgrown fairies, and now we’re traveling to some place called Rivendell with the pickle and two overgrown fairies.
R2-D2: BeeeePP!!! OOOOoooo!!!
Han: Okay, fine. It’s a cucumber.
Legolas: And I’m NOT an overgrown fairy!
Han: There is no possible way you could’ve heard what I said.
C3P0: Elves have impeccable hearing.
Han: Whatever, so they can hear from a mile away. They still look like overgrown fairies.
Luke: Quit calling them fairies.
Han: And who says they’re not?
Celeborn: Can I please, just whack him, Legolas, please?
Legolas: Elyë lerta là, Celeborn, áva car ta. (You cannot, Celeborn, don’t do it.)
Celeborn: Mal, Legolas, nye I'm là fairy. (But, Legolas, I an not (a) fairy.)
Legolas (warningly): Celeborn.
Celeborn: Ve merelyë. (As you wish.)
C3P0: I did not understand a word that they said.
Luke: And you understand around three million different languages. I know.
Larry: Everything okay back there? We’re coming up on Rivendell pretty fast.
Celeborn: Imladris. At last.
Legolas: Now we can inlist the help needed to find your wife

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile...
Glorfindel, Gandalf, Agent Smith, Goldberry, Faramir, and Pippin chase Asfaloth to the river Bruinen. Merry, Treebeard, Morpheus, and Boromir stay back in the Troll Shaws with Gimli and Jim who are having an argument about whether dwarves should be tossed! They are still on the Solar Surfer because Gimli won't jump or be tossed. Boromir and Merry are having a conversation as to whether the fact that the man back there who was lookin' for somthin' or someone is equivelent to a conspiracy...
Boromir: I think it's a conspiracy!
Merry: Idon't know... It depends whether the man is lookin' for someone to kill them or whether it's the person's mother!
Boromir: I think EVERYTHING is a CONSPIRACY!
Merry: I've noticed! Is this a conspiracy? Boromir... I AM your FATHER!!!
Boromir: <<<gasp>>> That would be a CONSPIRACY. If it was true, that is.
Merry: And it's not?
Boromir: <<<glares>>>
Merry: Gimli, get down here!
Gimli: I'm afraid of heights! And NO ONE tosses A DWARF!
Jim: Okay!
He throws Gimli!
Gimli: I thought I said that no one TOSSES A DWARF!!!
Jim: I didn't! I threw you!
Gimli: Same difference.
Morpheus: HOW FAR DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE CAN YOU GO!!!!!! <Falls down rabbit hole> AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.... SSSEEEEEE YYYYYOOOUUUUUU IIINNNNNNNN TTTTHHHHHHHEEEEEE MMMMMAAATTTTRRRRRIIIIXXXX!!
Suddenly, in a burst of green lines, two figures appear!
Boromir: IT'S A CONSPIR...
Figure 1#: CHILDREN! STOP THIS RECKLESS BICKERING AT ONCE!
Merry: Jeez, you look a lot like Agent Baggins!
Figure 1#: Agent Baggins? That's close, but the last part's wrong. I'm Agent Carter!!
Merry: That WOULD do it. I think!
Jim: And you look a great deal like Count Dooku!
Figure 2#: Close enough. Now who are YOU GUYS?
Gimli: Give me your name, Count Dooku look-alike, and I shall give you mine!
Boromir gives him that look.
C.D.L.A (Count Dooku look-alike): I would cut off your head with my light saber, Dwarf, if I felt like it. But I don't.
Jim: You would die as well, Count Dooku look-alike, for I have a loaded gun in my hand!
Treebeard: Now don't be hasty, Master Jim, and Master Gimli, for that matter.
Another burst of green lines appear and a little green man appears.
L.G.M (Little green man): Hasty, I'm not.
Treebeard: WOW! A man after my own heart!
Merry: I'm feelin' rather out of place here.
C.D.L.A: You and I both, young hobbit.
Merry: WOW! Someone who knows what I AM!!! So who are you anyway?
C.D.L.A: I, my friend, am...
But he cannot finish... A burst of white light appears... Galadriel and Elrond appear!
Boromir: IT'S A CON...
Gimli: No... Well, maybe it is.
Merry: Can someone please turn off the light!
Galadriel stares at Agent Carter.
Agent Carter starts sweating!
Elrond: Cut it out, Gal, you’re freakin’ them out.
Agent Carter covers his eyes.
Galadriel: You wouldn’t believe what he’s thinking!
C.D.L.A: He’s allowed to like Arwen isn’t he
Agent Carter: You weren’t suppose to tell them that!
C.D.L.A: I WASN’T?!
Jim: I feel slightly out of place here. Who’s Arwen?
Merry: Does anyone have any sunglasses???
C.D.L.A: Nope. I have a light saber though.
Merry: I need SUNGLASSES!!!
Elrond: Gal, turn off the light. I know you got it at Future Shop, but still, we’re all going blind.
Galadriel: Quit calling me that!
Gimli: We dwarves are naturel sprinters. Very wasted over short distances.
C.D.L.A: Trust me, Gimli, we all knew that.
Gimli: I know, but I haven’t had a line in some time now.
Treebeard: DON’T BE HASTY!!!!
L.G.M: May the force be with you!
C.D.L.A: Yoda?!
L.G.M: No, actually I’m his cousin Adoo.
Agent Carter: I didn’t know Yoda had a cousin.
L.G.M: He doesn’t. Yoda’s cousin, I’m not.
C.D.L.A: Then why did you say you were his cousin?
Elrond: Crazy! The world is CRAZY!!!!
Galadriel: I feel it in the water... I feel it in the earth... I smell it...
Elrond: Will you not stop using that line?
Galadriel: ...In the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now...
<<<SLAP>>>
Galadriel: ...Live who remember it! And if you don’t let me finish my lines, you will not live to remember it!!! It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the elves, immortal, wisest, fairest of all beings. Seven to the dwarf lords...
Gimli: Oh, yeah, Oh yeah, we got more rings then the elves! Go dwarves! Oh, yeah!! We rock!!
Galadriel: Ahem! ...Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men...
Elrond: MEN ARE WEAK!!!!!
Jim: I resent that!
Galadriel: You’ve interrupted me for the last time!!!! Now you’re asking for it!!!
Elrond: MOMMMMYYYY!!!!
He runs behind Treebeard.
Elrond: Don’t let her hurt me!!! Don’t let her turn me into anythin’ UNNATURAL!!!
Galadriel: Oh? I’ve a better idea... You can clean up Rivendell after Arwen’s party on Saturday!!!
Everyone: <<<GASP>>>
Elrond: You wouldn’t DARE!!!
Galadriel: Either that or face my wrath...!
Merry: I NEED SUNGLASSES!!!!!!!!
C.D.L.A: We must join with them, Meriadoc Brandybuck. We must join with the Matrix!!
Merry: I dunno... Do they have sunglasses?
Boromir: I speak true at this moment, Merry. IT’S A... Wait-a-moment... It’s not a conspiracy... It’s an, errr, A COMPUTER GENERATED WORLD!!! That’s what it is, Merry. It’s a computer generated world.
Merry: What is?
Boromir: <<<SIGH>>> The Matrix, dear hobbit.
C.D.L.A: That’s true, Boromir. The Matrix is computer generated.
Boromir: It IS?!?!? I was just guessing! I don’t even know what a computer is!!!
Elrond: Rather intriguing things they are. Galaldriel, BE NICE!!! OUCH!! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!!!!
Galaldriel: I will not be interrupted while doing my lines!!! You shall face the consequences, son-in-law!!!
Elrond: Please??? OUCH!!!! I’M SORRY!!!!! OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!! Will you STOP kicking me!!!!!
Galaldriel: NEVER!!! MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!
Elrond: OUCH!!! Can’t you be nice???
Jim: This isn’t going so well...
Treebeard: It comes of hastiness, Jim Hawkins.
L.G.M: Or the Dark Side.
C.D.L.A: Admit it, you are Yoda.
L.G.M: Maybe am I, and not maybe I am.
C.D.L.A: Talk, or I’ll chop of your head!!!
L.G.M: Talk, shall I? Yoda, I am. You are who?
C.D.L.A: Saruman the white. But some have called me Count Dooku.
Elrond: I’ve never pulled your hair out, GALADRIEL!!!!! OUCH!!!! BE NICE, PLEASE??? OUCH!!! I though the war was bad!
Gimli: Cool! An elf beating up another elf. GO ,GALAD, GO!!! Oh, YAH!!! Hit ‘I'm AGAIN!!!!
Elrond: Ouch!!!! Galaldriel, I am your son-in-law!!!!!
Galaldriel: I know... THAT’S WHY IT’S SO MUCH FUN!!!! MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!
Elrond: Touchy.
Merry pulls out Teleporter Device and goes to the River Bruinen to check on Pippin!
Meanwhile...
Éomer: My HEAD hurts. Conspiracy I say!
Éowyn: You didn’t have to fall down the tree.
Éomer: You said to get down immediately.
Éowyn: Maybe.
Trinity: Yup!
Neo: Yup?
Trinity: You can stay out of this. You must go and comfort Bilbo.
Bilbo: HE’S DEAD.
He begins to cry.
Neo: I don’t see what his problem is.
Bilbo: YOU KILLED IT!
Éomer: Much that once was is lost...
Bilbo: Oh, well, he was annoying anyway.
Éowyn: What has happened, Bilbo. You are not the hobbit that you used to be.
Bilbo: The road goes ever on and on...
Éomer: We must go there, AND BACK AGAIN!!!!! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!!
Éowyn: He’s back to normal.
Éomer: MWHA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA- HA!!!!!!!
Meanwhile...
Glorfindel: ASFALOTH!!!!! STOP!!!!!
Galndalf: I keep thinking it’s really simple, and that I should know the answer...
Orlando: There’s writing on the horse’s saddle.
Glorfindel: Impossible. Elves don’t use saddles.
Orlando: They did in the Lord of the Rings movies.
Pippin: “Speak friend, that I may stop”. What does it mean, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Since when did you learn to read Elvish?
Pippin: I can’t. It’s in common speech. In English, you know.
Gandalf: Oh. What’s English?
Merry: It’s a riddle. What’s the Elvish word for friend.
Glorfindel: Err...
Gandalf: Umm...
Faramir: Don’t look at me!
Agent Smith: I don’t SPEAK ELVISH!
Orlando (Jumping up at down excitedly): OOOO, OOO, PICK ME! PICK ME!!!! I KNOW IT!!!
Gandalf: Okay, Lego...
He stops when he sees Orlando glaring at him.
Gandalf: Ehem, ORLANDO BLOOM!!! You may continue.
Merry: Ooo, LOOK!! The horse IS FALLING INTO THE RIVER!!!!!
Orlando: MELLON!!!!
Pippin: Ooo, Oooo, where! WHERE!!! I want some!!!
Goldberry: Gandalf is distracted so I’ll fill in. FOOL OF A...
Pippin (Covers ears): I know, I know. FOOL OF A TOOK!!! But I’m hungry!!!
Agent Smith begins laughing.
Faramir: What’s so funny?
Agent Smith: Mellon. Nooow I get IT!!!! Melon!!!!
Faramir: I don’t follow.
Merry: Asfaloth stopped, you know.
Faramir: Oooooo, I GET IT!!!
Merry: Get WHAT???!!!
Goldberry: Oooo!!! LOOK!!! IT’S MY FATHER!!!
Gandalf: She’s jumping into the river...?
Faramir: No clue.
Glorfindel: She’s Goldberry, daughter of the river.
Merry: Oooooo.
Pippin: Where is she goin’?
Merry: I dunno, Pip, but don’t encourage her!
A surge of white horses floods down the river.
Goldberry: Ohhhhh, SUGAR!!!! I MISSED YOU SO!!!!
Gandalf: That was suppose to scare her.
Goldberry: It’s my sea horse!!!!!
Agent Smith: OH, NO!!!!! MY RING!!!!! IT’S LOST!!!!!
Pippin: Gee, and LOOK what I FOUND!!!
Agent Smith: That’s my RING!!!
Pippin: Finders, keepers, losers weepers!!!!
Agent Smith: I know... Neither of us will have it! Give it to Gandalf!!!
Gandalf: NO! Do not tempt me!! For with that power I should have greater power still. And I should become like the dark lord himself!
Merry: Cool!
Pippin: On second thought, you can have the ring back. It’s really heavy!
Merry: BUCK, BUCK, CHICKEN!!! Pip’s afraid of the ring!!!
Pippin: Oh yeah?
He puts it on...
Pippin reappears a moment later and collapses!!!
Gandalf: Now look what you’ve done, you fool of a Brandybuck!!!
Glorfindel: Deja vu.
Agent Smith: I have the same feeling.
Orlando: I have a feeling... that this ring is more powerful than it looks...
Merry decides to go back!

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile...

Celeborn: Jeez, where is everyone?

C3P0: It would appear that they have left.

Han: I believe we knew that.

C3P0: Does no one appreciate my intelligence?

R2-D2: BeeeeePPPP!!!! OOOOoooo... RrrreeeeppppP!!!

C3P0: Thanks for the encouragement.

Luke: Legolas, what do you see? Celeborn is too green to see anything!

Legolas: I see... I see... LOOK!!! SOMEONE APPROACHES!!!!

C3P0: Two hobbits, judging by their size.

Han: What’s a hobbit???

C3P0: Good question.

Larry: No clue. They’re kinda short.

R2-D2: BBBeeiipp bIp LLLEEEPP!!!!

C3P0: So what if there’s no such thing as a hobbit! I say it’s a hobbit, and you have been known to make mistakes, once in a while.

Legolas: I wonder whether Arwen is around? She usually is here... but then again... so is Elrond... and
Celebrian... and Glorfindel... but HOBBITS?!?!? NO!

Larry: Glorfindel? He knew I was a cucumber! Last thing I knew, they were shooting a movie with Galadriel’s movie camera.

Celeborn: WHAT?!!! Wait-a-moment, Larryboy? Galadriel?!?

Larry: YEP!

Celeborn: Don’t say it.

Legolas: What??? I told you so?

Celeborn: YES!!!

Legolas: But I told you so!!!

Celeborn: I know! That’s why I didn’t want you to say it!

Legolas: Why??? But I told you so??? Didn’t I??? I said Galadriel would be in Rivendell, didn’t I??

Luke: Don’t ask me.

C3P0: The local customs are quite strange. Arguing all the time.

R2-D2: BBBBbbbbeeeeeeepppp.... oooooOOOOOO!!!!!

C3P0: Yes, I know the short people that-you-say-are-not-hobbits are staring at us.

Han: What’s a hobbit??? Anything like an E-wok???

Luke: You’ll soon find out... They are walking towards us.

Legolas: What’s an E-wok???

Han: What’s a hobbit??

Legolas: So we’re even.

Larry: I don’t know what either is.

Celeborn: I still need a motion sickness bag!!!

Legolas: I still say I told him so!!!

Meanwhile...

Éowyn: He’s NOT related to me!!! Not whatsoever!!!!

Trinity: I know the feeling.

Éomer: YES I AM!!!!!! MWHA- HA-HA- HA- HA!!!!!!!

Neo: Bilbo, you’re weird!

Bilbo: If only you knew...

Éowyn: And now that you’re down from the tree, dearest brother, you shall walk!!! WE ARE GOING TO RIVENDELL!!!! AND I MEAN NOW!!!!!!!!!

Éomer: And that, peoples, is my sister!

Bilbo: I’ve worse... ‘sept she’s not my sister... LOBELIA SACKSVILLE BAGGINSES... MY ARCH ENEMY...

Neo: Ok, that was weird.

Bilbo: The world is changed... I feel it in the water... I feel it in the earth... I smell it in the air... Much that once was is lost... for none now live who remember it...

Trinity: Those aren’t your lines!

Bilbo: SO? I’ll finish up then... Darkness crept back into the forests of the world; rumors grew of a shadow in the east; whispers of a nameless fear...

Neo: I get the picture.

Éowyn: Great imitation, Bilbo!!! Do some more!!!

Bilbo: For the time would soon come when hobbits would shape the fortunes of all!

Éomer: Enthralling!!!

Bilbo: That was sarcastic.

Éomer: YES!!!! AND IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!

Éowyn: Can you imitate Éomer??? I want him to know how annoying he is!!

Bilbo: First...

He pulls a gizmo out of his pocket and pushes
a green button...!!!

They appear near Rivendell...

Éowyn: Cool.

Trinity: That’s so not yours.

Bilbo: So??? Now we have more time to do imitations!

Éomer: Goody.

Neo: As long as they don’t have to do with hobbits
taking over the world!

Bilbo: They won’t... At least not yet...

Trinity: Bilbo...

Bilbo: We must join with him...

Neo: I’m beginning to agree with Agent Smith. Hobbits ARE a virus!!!

Trinity: That wasn’t quite what he said. It was more
like: Only one other thing does that: VIRUSES!!!

Neo: Not quite.

Trinity: Whatever.

Bilbo: I am quite beside myself.

Éomer: I could make that literal, you know.

Bilbo: What about Éowyn?? She’ll stop you, won’t you, Éowyn???

Éowyn: Don’t even THINK about harming Bilbo! Or your
prediction will come true!!! IT WILL BE A CONSPIRACY!!!!

Bilbo: Don’t let him hurt me, Miss Éowyn, don’t let him turn me into anythin’... UNNATURAL!!!

Éomer: <<<sigh>>> I’m not going to hurt you, Bilbo. But I WOULD LIKE YOU TO STOP TALKING SO MUCH!!!

Bilbo: And you don’t???

Éomer: Let’s just go to Rivendell.

Bilbo: Okay!!! (works every time <<<giggle>>>)

Éomer: WHAT’S WITH THE GIGGLING, BILBO??

Bilbo: LA, la, la, la... <<<smile>>>

Éomer: CONFOUND IT ALL, BILBO BAGGINS. HAVE YOU
BEEN EAVESDROPPIN’??

Bilbo: Wow!!! Good imitation!!!

Éowyn: He is NOT related to me.

Neo: Is THAT Rivendell??

Trinity: Dunno.

Bilbo: Yep.

Éomer: NO IT’S NOT!!!! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!

Éowyn: It’s RIVENDELL!!!!!! NOT A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile...

Frodo: They are arguing about us, I think.

Sam: They? Are they considered people??? It’s a GIANT pickle, one elf, two strange lookin’ people, one green lookin’ elf (?), and one rather stiff, goldish thing.

Frodo: So they are. But I think it’s a cucumber.

Sam: I am a gardener, I know a cucumber from a pickle.

Frodo: Do you??

Sam: I do.

Aragorn: Arwen...

Arwen: Aragorn... I loooove you.

Frodo: Why are the strangers arguing?

Sam: I have no idea.

Frodo: The one elf looks a little green.

Sam: AI!!! AI!!! WE MUST FIND ELROND!!!!!

Aragorn (turning away from Arwen): What’s the matter, Sam.

Arwen: Jeez, that looks like Celeborn, although slightly green.

Aragorn: You’re right.

Arwen: Slightly... It’s the greenest I’ve ever seen him!!!!

Aragorn: Are you sure it’s Celeborn???

Arwen: Trust me, I am never wrong.

Sam: Everyone is wrong once in a while.

Frodo: Yes... I should know... Especially Bilbo...

Sam: You think he’s wrong sometimes?!!?!??!?!?!?

Frodo: Sam, you sound so, amazed. Is there a problem?

Sam: Err... Mister Frodo, you realize you said that about
Bilbo. He’s quite wise, you know.

Frodo: Wise? Bilbo?

Aragorn: I’ve got a bad feeling about this...

Arwen: Indeed. Come, Aragorn, Bilbo is no longer here, what have we to worry about.

Aragorn: I hold to my previous judgment. I’ve got a bad feeling... And I feel that it has something to do with the
fact that we did not stop until nightfall.

Arwen: What???

Aragorn: Never mind... Who ARE these people???

Arwen: No clue. I only recognize Legolas and Celeborn.
Aragorn: You do?!?!?!

Arwen: Of course I do. You don’t expect me to recognize the others, do you?

Aragorn: NO! I mean: you can tell you they are at this distance?

Sam: Elves have...Err.. Never mind.

Frodo: Elves have better sight than us mortals.

Aragorn: Us mortals. Sam, that is consoling.

Arwen: I sense sarcasm, Aragorn.

Frodo: Meanwhile, I go and disappear.

Sam: Mister Frodo, you can’t. You do not know the powers of the ring.

Frodo: Who says I was talking about the ring? I mean, I’m going to leave now, and see who these new arrivals are. Gandalf did say that he would meet us here, after all. Perchance they will know why he was delayed.

Sam: Perchance?

Frodo: Haven’t you read Shakespeare??

Sam: I can’t read.

Arwen: Illiterate, you are. All hobbits are.

Aragorn: Shush. The halfling cannot help that.

Frodo: Not true. I can read!

Sam: Meanwhile, I disappear.

Frodo: Here we go again.

Meanwhile...

Celeborn: UGGGGG...

Larry: And now, this is Larry the Cucumber, with an announcement to make. Celeborn is still sick from the Larrymobile ride. Legolas and Han Solo are arguing about E-woks and hobbits. The two droids are arguing, and Luke Skywalker is looking on with much amusement. I am making note of this for my next show.

Luke: This is quite amusing, actually.

Han: I DON’T know what a hobbit is.

Legolas: I DON’T know what an E-wok is.

R2-D2: BbeeeePPpP RRRooooO Bip.

C3P0: Well, I wish I had your confidence. We have no idea whether the local inhabitants are friendly.

R2-D2: BeeePPPPP OOOoooo RRReeeeP.

C3P0: Humph. That wasn’t very nice.

Larry: As I said. Until next time...

Luke: Will you stop with the narrator?

Larry: But that’s what I am: a T.V. show host!

Legolas: I DON’T KNOW WHAT AN E-WOK IS!

Han: AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TRIED TO EXPLAIN WHAT A
HOBBIT IS!

Legolas: Because I hardly know what a hobbit is!!! I know what a halfling is, so what started the hobbit argument?

Han: Beats me... WAIT-A-MOMENT.... Threepio...

C3P0: What is it, Han?

Han: You were the one who said hobbit first, weren’t you???

C3P0: Well... No... Yes, but it was merely a figure of speech.

Legolas: So, do you know what a hobbit is?

C3P0: No.

R2-D2 begins rolling away.

C3P0: Artoo, don’t leave me!!!!!

R2-D2: BeeePPPPPPP BiPp Ooooo rrROOo!

Luke: He says he’s going to see what the short people-
that-you-say-are-hobbits really are!

C3P0: I knew that.

Legolas: I think they must be halflings.

Han: Wait, Artoo, they won’t understand you.

R2-D2: BIP BeEeEP rROOOo!!!!

C3P0: He says that he isn’t going to talk with them... We are...

Han: Just wait-a-moment, you overgrown chunk of scrap medal. We’re suppose to talk to them?!?!?!?

Luke: Don’t insult my DROID!

Legolas: Relax, Celeborn and I can talk to them.

Celeborn: Ugggggggggg.

Legolas: And if you don’t, Celeborn, I will personally tie you BACK up!

Luke: Huh?

Legolas (half-smiling): Blackmail.

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile…<br>
Elrond: GALADRIEL!!!!! BE NICE!!!!!!

Jim: This is weird.

Yoda: Crazy, it is.

C.D.L.A: Oh, you finally decided who you were.

Yoda: Why think you that?

C.D.L.A: Look at your heading. It says you’re Yoda.

Yoda: But did I?

C.D.L.A: Ugg.

Agent Carter: Exactly. And now, I should ask why I am here?

Merry: I STILL NEED SUNGLASSES!!!!!

Galadriel: Fine, you stupid, half grown midget!!!

She turns off her light.

Merry: I’m NOT a HALF-GROWN MIDGET!!!!

He draws his sword!

Elrond: Meriadoc, where did you get the sword?

Merry: Well… You’re right, I shouldn’t have a sword… I
haven’t got one yet!

Elrond: That’s right… You haven’t stopped at the Barrowdowns yet.

Merry: B-barrowdowns?

C.D.L.A: Do not explain further. We mustn’t frighten the poor halfling, after all.

Merry: Grr…

Galadriel: I AM GOING TO KILL ELROND!!!!

Agent Carter grabs her and holds her back…<br>
Galadriel: LET GO OF ME, YOU STUPID NON MIDDLE-EARTHLING, YOU!!!!!!!

Gimli: Let go of her, you fool of an agent, or I shall bring your pretty face into my ax!

Agent Carter: <<<sigh>>> Dwarf, I am not afraid of your ax. It’s broken twice.

Gimli: Fine, I shalt break mine ax over thy head!

Agent Carter: You would die before your stroke fell.

C.D.L.A: ENOUGH!!!!! ASH NAZG DURBATULÛK!!! AGH BUZUM-ISHI KRIMPATUL!!!

Elrond: Never before have any dared to utter words in that tongue before me, master of RIVENDELL!!

Galadriel (To C.D.L.A): What DID you SAY?!?!?

C.D.L.A: Does it matter? It got everyones attention!

[Tiana, eh?]

(Narrator: Pippin): In a sleepy village in the Shire, a young hobbit is intrusted with an immense task. He must make a perilous journey across Middle-earth to the Crack of Doom, there to destroy the Ruling Ring of Power – the only thing that prevents the Dark Lords evil domination…<br>
Galadriel: Pippin, that wasn’t needed!!! The Dark Lord has already been annihilated!!!
Pippin: Not true… If you read the books you will learn…<br>Elrond: Pippin, this time you have gone too far!!!! You are a fool and a nut!!!! Get back to where you’re suppose to be in this story!
Pippin: But…<br>Elrond: Not buts!
Pippin: Then once you make it to Rivendell; we shall hold the counsel of Peregrin Took!
Galadriel: (To Peregrin) You think HE’S going to make it back alive??!
Elrond: Pippin!!! HHHHHEEEELELLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!
Merry: Who are they talking to?
Agent Carter: I see no one!!!
Pippin: Oh, dear. They can’t see me…<br>Elrond: Why?
Pippin: Well… It might be because I’m not technically alive right now.
Galadriel: You look okay to me.
Pippin: Because you’re wearing a Ring of Power…<br>Elrond: He’s right, you know. We are wearing Rings of Power!
C.D.L.A: They could’ve been mine! They should’ve been mine!!
Galadriel (punches him out): And that, my friends, is why you don’t mess with me!
Treebeard: DON’T BE HASTY!!!!!!
Elrond: As you were saying, Pip?
Pippin: Well… I’m kinda’ in the wraith world right now… I’m still where I’m suppose to be, but I’m kinda’, like, out. I came here to warn you as the narrator.
Elrond: Sheesh! Now I have to call you back to the light!
Galadriel: So, where are you?
Pippin: River Bruinen. And you’d better save me soon, there’s a scary lookin’ eye staring at me!
Galadriel: We’ll be there in a moment. Come on, guys! WE’RE MOVIN’ OUT!!!!
Pippin: Please hurry!!! There’s a grayish person trying to stab me sayin’: “Surrender the Ring”!!! Everyone is runnin’ away for some reason!!!!! OUCH!!!! YOU CAN’T HAVE IT!!! IT’S MINE!!!!!
Galadriel: He’s fading!!! We must save him!!!
Yoda: Whom?
Agent Carter: No ones there. The world is crazy. I’m leavin’!
C.D.L.A: HEY!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!
Merry: He’s leavin’.
C.D.L.A: Oh, well, now I can become…<br>Galadriel: SARUMAN!!!!!
Elrond: Now, now, Gal’. No need to bring up the past!!!
Galadriel: Anyone who trys to take over Gondor will face my wrath!!!
Saruman: That was a long time ago, Galadriel. And as I recall, you were right along beside me, trying to become queen of the world!!!
Galadriel: La, la, la, la…<br>Elrond: Gal?!?!?!?
Galadriel: Not in front of the halfling.
Merry: Humph! (He pulls out a Transporter Device, and disappears!)
Treebeard: I’M NOT HASTY!!!!
Saruman: I am to assume, Treebeard, that you aren’t going to tell them about the time you, very hastilly, tried to take over Mordor.
Treebeard: Burarum!!! That was just to kill orcs… I didn’t mean to step on Celebrimbor!
Jim: Cele’ who?
Saruman: The maker of the three.
Jim: Like that helped.
Galadriel: COME!!!! WE ARE GOING TO IMLADRIS!!!!!!!!
Pippin (faintly): Please hurry. HEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!! YOU CAN’T HAVE THE RING… Master Elrond… I’m being attacked by a slimy looking creature shouting “precious”… But it’s not solid!
Galadriel: It must be a Gollum Wraith!!!!!
Elrond: A who?!?!?!?
Pippin: Just HURRY!!! Everyone else ran!!!!
Galadriel: We’re coming, Pippin. Just hold on!!!!
Echoing… Just hold on… hold on..
Pippin: Hurry…<br>Elrond: He’s faded.
Galadriel: Hurry!!! If we hurry, we can save Pippin!!!
Meanwhile...
Glorfindel: AI! AI! A RING WRAITH HAS COME!!!!!
Orlando: Jeez, it’s not like it’s a real ring wraith! It’s just someone wearing a costume.
Gandalf: Come, Leg...errr... Orlando, we cannot stay here!
Orlando: Not Legolas!
Goldberry: I’m staying here!!! I feel so at home!!!!
Agent Smith: The halfling is fading... The power of the Ring is overtaking him.
Glorfindel: What Ring? I see a ring wraith, not a Ring!
Agent Smith: The Ring of Power, foraged by Sauron himself... It is calling him... soon Perigrin will be under their domination.
Gandalf: Stop talking so cryptically. You are the Ringbearer!
Agent Smith: Was. Pippin has the Ring now.
Gandalf: So are you implying that we shouldn’t leave him?
Glorfindel: Sorry to break up the party, but... RUN!!!!!!!!!
Gandalf: AI-YI-YI!!! IT’S A GOLLUM WRAITH!!
Gollum Wraith: Preeeccccciiiooouuuusssss!!!!!!! WWWwwweeee wwwwaannnnnttttssss iiiiiittttttt!!!!
Orlando: Andy, stop playing around.... errr.... That’s not Andy, is it?
Agent Smith: It’s not a Matrix generated image either.
Gandalf: Goodbye!!! I’m leavin’!
Gollum Wraith: Yeeeeeessssssssss.... Thhhhhhheee Rrrriiinnnnngggg!!!! Weeeeee wwwaannntttss iiiitttt!!!
Glorfindel: And I’m comin’ with you, Gandalf! Goodbye!
Orlando: Wait for meeeeeeee!!!!!!!
They dash off back towards the Troll Shaws... They run into Merry!
Orlando: Jeez, weren’t you just here a moment ago!
Merry: NO... well... yes... well... no...
Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck, there are many Teleporter Devices in this world, and none of them should be used lightly!
Merry: Oh, come on Gandalf, it was just a bit of fun. But I suppose you’re right, as always.
Glorfindel: Can I assume he hasn’t heard of the incidence with Rosie Cotton?
Gandalf: Shh...
Merry: Rosie Cotton?!?! Ooo, tell me!! Tell me!!!
Glorfindel: Well, you know Gandalf. Always trying to MMMPHH!!!!
Gandalf: If you even THINK of continuing on that thought...
Merry: Don’t worry, I already know what happened. Gandalf fell RRRMMPPHHHFF!!!!!
Orlando: This story appears to have an embarrassing plot line for Gandalf!
Gandalf: Slightly! You’ve never fallen in love with a hobbit!
Orlando: OOOOooo!!!!
Gandalf: Not telling what happened!!! They both know... but if they dare talk...
Orlando: Theme music please!!!!
Gandalf: Exactly!
Meanwhile...
Bilbo: The road goes ever on and on...
Éowyn: And at the end...
Bilbo: A warm cozy bed!
They both burst out laughing!
Neo: They’re crazy!
Trinity: No.
Neo: Yes!
Éomer: MPH MMMM RMMPPF
Éowyn (smiles sweetly at him): Don’t worry, dear brother. One of these days I’ll unducttape you!
Éomer glares at her!
Bilbo: That was an excellent way to make him stop saying... well, you know what!
Éowyn: I’ll let him talk once we’re in Rivendell. I can’t have him making a bad impression on anyone.
Neo: I think he’s already done that!
Trinity: Don’t insult her brother... Or it will be a MPH!
Éowyn: Don’t say it!
Trinity: I wasn’t!
Bilbo: So, did I tell you about the time I met with the dragon?
Trinity (whispered): About twenty times already!
Neo: <<<nods>>>
Bilbo: It was the nastiest day of my life...
Éowyn (interrupting): Bilbo, I need you to guide us from here.
Bilbo: Oh, OH! Okay!
He takes the lead. Éowyn winks at Éomer!
Bilbo leads them down the winding paths that lead to the hidden valley of Rivendell. The path was marked by white stones, but moss had grown in and covered many of them. It was also growing dark...
Neo: Is it that late already?
Éowyn: Nay, it is but three in the afternoon. Darkness falls, a sign of impending doom.
Bilbo: The enemy’s arm must’ve grown long, if he can cause darkness this far east.
Éowyn: His arm is grown long indeed.
A sound is heard from behind them. Someone speaks...
Person who spoke: You all talk so loudly, I could shoot you in the dark.
Bilbo: Haldir?
Éowyn: But it is dark!
Éomer: MPPPHHH FFFMMM PHRR!
P.W.S: I am not Haldir, but his brother, Orophin! I know it’s dark, and no, I didn’t shoot you, because it’s not my job!
Éomer: MmmmPH!
Orophin: Why is his mouth ducttaped shut?
Éowyn: I have my reasons!
Bilbo: Even if you aren’t Haldir, what are you doing in Rivendell??
Orophin: Oh, ever since Lord Haldir took over Lòrien, things have been rather different. I figured it was safer in Rivendell, even if Galadriel and Celebrian have been shopping nonstop!
Éowyn: Right.
Orophin: Why do you think darkness has fallen?
Trinity: Because it’s evening.
Orophin: Nay, young lady. It is for the want of a credit card!
Éowyn: Huh?
Neo: Ooo! They have credit cards here!??!
Trinity: Cool! Then I can go shopping!!!
Orophin: Oi! They’re crazy!
Trinity: I’m not CRAZY!!! Shopping is COOL!!!!
Neo: Wow! She speakith in sentences.
Trinity: Speakith? Okay.
Meanwhile...
Frodo: Sam, are you coming with me or not?
Sam: Okay, Mr. Frodo. I’m comin’, but I hope you know what you’re doin’.
Frodo: So do I, Sam.
Sam: Ugg.
Arwen: Aragorn, are you going to let the halflings go off into danger?
Aragorn: What could possibly happen?
Arwen: Last time you said that...
Aragorn: Oh, fine. I’ll go with them... But so will you.
Arwen: Fine... Oh, look! The little dome thingy is gliding towards us.
Aragorn: GET BEHIND ME, ARWEN! I’LL PROTECT YOU!!!
Arwen (glares): Aragorn.
Aragorn draws his sword and goes into defence position.
Aragorn: It’s probably dangerous!
Arwen: He’s a nut... Wait... that dome looks familiar... Artoo!!!!
She runs forwards and hugs him... err... IT!
Aragorn: Arwen! Stop!!!!

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile...

C3P0: Artoo!!! Come back... Wait for MEEEEE!!!
Luke: You know, you really shouldn’t blackmail Celeborn.
Legolas: I really shouldn’t blackmail Celeborn.
Han: Kid, you are so a cheater.
Luke: So?
Han: Hey! Get back here, you overgrown hunk of scrap medal!
Luke: I LIKE my droids, thank you. And have I told you that the Millennium Falcon is a hunk of junk, just as much as my droids are.
Han: Ahh... But it’s the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy.
Luke: It took a lot of modifications though... And not just by you.
Han: Hey?! I won that ship fair-and-square!
Luke: Ask that one to Lando. You weren’t suppose to take the Falcon.
Han: Has he been tellin’ you a bunch of lies?
Luke: Ask him that!
Han (Gives him pitiful look): Oh, come on, kid. You don’t think I’m a thief, do you. I mean, honestly, I’d never do anything like that.
Luke: Well... As I recall... you were a smuggler at one time.
Han gives him another look, and rolls his eyes.
Celeborn: Why is Legolas in a trance?! I mean, what did you do to him?
Legolas: Will not blackmail Celeborn... Will not blackmail Celeborn... Duh... Will not...
Luke: Wow! I’ve never done that before!... But is that a good thing... or a bad thing... Was I using the Dark Side of the Force?! Aaaaakkk!!!
Han: Kid, don’t start with the Force stuff again.
Luke: But... But...
Han: Tongue-tied, aren’t you?
Luke: Yes! But... if I was... Arggggg!
Legolas: Not blackmail Celeborn... Will not blackmail Celeborn...
Celeborn: Cool!
Luke: It’s not cool... ARGGGG! Noooo... It’s the Dark Side... Akkk! I feel HIM calling me... Noooooooo!
Han: Give it up, kid. Right now the only trouble is getting those two... (he sees Arwen)... Droids back. Jeez, that girl looks like Leia!
Legolas: I mustn’t blackmail Celeborn...
Luke: Akkkkk!!!!!
Celeborn: I can’t even do that to Legolas!!!
Han (Forgets about Arwen): What, you’ve tried?!
Celeborn: Well... Err... Uhh... Mmm... Err...
Luke: You!!! You’re an Evil Sith Lord!!! (Points at Celeborn!)
Celeborn: A what?!!?!? What gave you that idea!??! Oh look! There’s Arwen!
Han: Arwen? Gee, she’s pretty...!!!
Legolas: Will... not... blackmail... Celeborn... Will... Not... Blackmail... Celeborn... Will... Not... Marry... Arwen... Will... Not... Marry... Arwen...
Luke: Won’t marry who?!
Legolas: Won’t... Marry... Arwen...
Celeborn: Keep talking!!! Legolas, LEGOLAS!!!!
Legolas: Will... not... Marry... Arwen... Will not blackmail Celeborn... Won’t blackmail Celeborn...
Luke: Who was Arwen??? And what was with the: will not marry Arwen?
Han: Hey!!! Get back here, you overgrown hunk of scrap medal!
R2-D2: BeeePPP RrroOo!
Han: Luke, what did he just say?
Luke is attempting to suppress laughter.
Luke (between gasps): He said: <gasp> Overgrown walking RUG!
Han: That’s not very nice to insult a Wookie, you know. Chewie gets mad at those kind of things.
R2-D2: oOOO rIpppPP bIPPP!
Han: Now what! Did he call me a thief??!
Luke: NO!!! He asked: then why didn’t Chewie kill Leia?!
Han: Uhhh... Err... OH, NO!! THE EVIL SITH LORD IS ESCAPING!!!!!
Celeborn: I’M NOT AN EVIL SITH LORD!!!!
Luke: Celeborn is an Evil Sith Lord, I think... Oooppps!
Legolas: Celeborn is an Evil Sith Lord... Celeborn is an Evil Sith Lord...!
Luke: Arrrgggg!!!! MAKE THAT ELF SHUT UP!!!!!
A cloud of smoke appears, and Darth Vader walks in... complete with a Stormtrooper army... (The cloud of smoke was from the spaceship that they came in!)
Luke: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I TOLD YOU HE WAS CALLING TO ME!!!
Han: You didn’t say who was, kid.
Darth: Use your anger, son. You will join with me!
Han: You never said he was your father. That explains a lot!
Luke: HE’S NOT MY FATHER!!!!!!
Legolas: Celeborn... is... an... Evil... Sith... Lord... Celeborn is an Evil Sith Lord... Celeborn...
Darth (Turns to look at Celeborn): I didn’t know there were any other Sith Lords... I did not feel your presence... And the Emperor has not told me of you...
Celeborn: I’m not!!!!!
Legolas: Celeborn is an Evil Sith Lord... Celeborn is an Evil Sith Lord...
Han: I’ve got a bad feeling about this...

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile...
Gandalf: DUCK!!!!!
Merry: Really!?!? WHERE?!!!
Gandalf: Fool of a Brandybuck... Akkk!!!
They all go tumbling to the ground as the Death Star nearly takes off his head!
Orlando: I had no idea that thing could fly!!!
Merry: That was no DUCK, Gandalf!
Gandalf: What was that thing???
Orlando: It was the Death Star!
Merry: Well, it sure wasn’t a duck!
Gandalf (stands up): Stupid hobbit!
Merry: What?! Did it look like a duck to you?!
Gandalf: No!
Merry: Then why did you call it a duck?!
Gandalf: I didn’t!!!!
Merry: Oh, yes you did! You said: DUCK!!!
Gandalf: Ugg... Hobbits!
Orlando: I am not getting into this argument...
Merry: Did it look like a duck to you, Legol... I mean Orlando.
Glorfindel: What was that thing?!
Merry: Not a duck!
Gandalf: No! Not a duck!!!!
Glorfindel: What about a medal duck?!
Orlando: Ugg.
Glorfindel: But it wasn’t a duck!
Merry: Oh, goody! Someone who believes me!
Orlando: Middle-earth is under attack by a star ship, and you’re going to stay there and talk of ducks?!
Merry: Oh... THAT’S what it was!!!
Orlando: OI!
Glorfindel: What’s that?!
Gollum Wraith: YEEESESSSSSS.... CANNNNDDDDIIIESSSSESSSSS... WEEEEEE WANNNNTSSS THEMM BACK!
Gandalf: Stay back! This is a foe far beyond any of... you? MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK, GLORFINDEL O IMLADRIS, AND ORLANDO BLOOM (Who is not Legolas!) GET BACK HERE NOW!!!!!
Gollum Wraith: THHHHHEEYYYYY RRRAAAANNNN, YYYEEESSSSS!
Gandalf: YOU CHICKENS!!!!
Merry: We’re not... HEY!!!
Glorfindel grabs Merry, and runs off!
Merry (peeks back): CHICKENS!!!!!
Glorfindel: THE MEDAL DUCK IS BACK!!!!
Orlando: IT’S NOT A DUCK... WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEE!!!
Gandalf: Jeez, those chickens!
Merry: NOT A CHICKEN!!!!!
Gandalf: Be gone, you evil...
Merry: I’M NOT EVIL!!!!
Gandalf: GET LOST!!!!!
Merry: I can’t!!!! They ran off without me!!!
Gandalf: I guess you’ll have to help me fight this foe-that-is-beyond-any-of-you-and-for-that-matter- beyond-me-too!
Gollum Wraith: I guesssss iii ssshoullllld takkkeee thhhat asssss a comppppllemmmmmennt!
Gandalf: Oopps, did I say that last part out loud?!
Orlando and Glorfindel come running back... being pursued closely by the Death Star!
Glorfindel: Gandalf, DO SOMETHING!!!! WE’RE BEING CHASED BY THE MEDAL DUCK!!!!
Orlando: Ditto, except IT’S NOT A DUCK!!!!!!
Meanwhile...
Orophin: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!
Neo: Oh, yah?!
Trinity: Isn’t that Gandalf’s line?!
Éowyn: I thought we were talking about credit cards!?
Éomer: It’s a conspiracy!!!
Éowyn: I thought I had your mouth ducttaped over!
Bilbo: Am I being left out here?
Éomer: Well... Yah. But I was getting tired of not being able to talk... so, yah. I unducttaped myself! I HAVE HANDS, you know, Eowyn. Oh, and did I tell you that it’s a conspiracy.
Éowyn: Hmm... no ones looking...
A ducttape sound effect!
Éomer (evil eye): Rrrrrr!
Éowyn: You asked for it, brother dearest!
Éomer (evil glare): Rmmmmph!! Eee rr NSPHRRRYY!!!!
Éowyn: I understood that perfectly, Éomer. And if you continue trying to tell me that it’s a conspiracy, I’ll make sure you’ll never communicate THAT message again.
Neo (to Trinity): Gee, when she said that... she looked an awful lot like Agent Smith.
Trinity: I know... you don’t suppose...
Neo and Trinity: Nah! He couldn’t possibly do THAT!!!
Trinity: But still... I had thought that Éowyn was a nice, friendly girl... Like me, you know. And what nice, friendly girl would tie her brother up!!
Neo: You think you’re a nice, friendly girl?!?!?!?
Trinity: Are you referring to the incidence on the roof... when we were trying to escape???
Neo: Well... that too!
Trinity: And if you’re talking about the Government Building incidence... Well... it was you who wanted the ‘lot of guns’!
Neo: That’s not what I’m talking about either!!!
Trinity: Well, what makes you think I’m not a nice, friendly girl?!?!
Neo: The big gun thing...
Trinity: ?
Neo: With the bug?
Trinity: If you’re holding a grudge against that...?
Neo: What ‘nice, friendly girl’ would use a monster gun to debug the man she loved???
Trinity: Well... I didn’t love you then!
Neo: What??? (Eyes fill with tears) You lied to me?!!!
Trinity: No... well... Yes... err... umm...
Neo: It was because I thought you loved me that I didn’t let Agent Smith kill me!!! And now you tell me that you didn’t love me!
Trinity: Well... err...
Neo: I could’ve let him kill me, you know. It was you who made me keep going... And now???!!!!
Trinity: Well.. If THAT’S the way you put it... I’LL MARRY GHOST!!!! I’VE ALWAYS LIKES HIM!!!
Neo: Well... FINE!!!! I’ll find ONE OF MY MATRIX GIRL FRIENDS!!! I’LL MARRY JINX!!!
Trinity: FINE!
Neo: FINE!!!!
Bilbo: Why do I feel this is turning into a soap opera?
Éowyn: I have no idea.
Éomer: MPPPPPHHH FRRRR MMM PP R!
Éowyn: Yes, dearest brother, I know. It’s a conspiracy.
Orophin: Who are those two?? They cannot pass, if they’re going to keep arguing like that.
Bilbo: That’s not your line!
Meanwhile...
Elrond: Goody! I get to save ANOTHER hobbit!
Galadriel: Why do I sense sarcasm?
Yoda: Save Perigrin, we must.
Jim: I’m bored. Can I fly off and find Orlando? Hey, where’s that dwarf-like creature???
Gimli: Don’t make me mad!
Jim: Sorry.
Saruman: Where’d Merry go?
Treebeard: Now, now, Master Saruman, don’t be hasty! You should not be wakin’... Err, that’s not right... You shall not pass... No, that’s not right either. Burarum, I cannot recall my lines. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards... no, not right, that’s Gildor’s line, though true. Hmmm, I’ve got a bad feeling about this? No, not right. Umm, look into the mirror? No. Sure I know a Baggins... No. The world is changed... well, that’s true too, but no, not right... Mmmm...
Yoda: Cannot remember his lines, Treebeard cannot.
Galadriel: It doesn’t matter, Treebeard. Save it for another time.
Treebeard: A lament for Gandalf? No, that’s not it... The shards of Narsil... No... Ehh, what’s that? Now, now, Lady Galadriel, it doesn’t do to be hasty.
Elrond: Do I have to save Pippin?
Saruman: I am evil!!!
Galadriel: Yah, we know that already!
Saruman: You must join with me...
Treebeard: But that would be hasty, Master Saruman. No, join with you, we cannot.
Yoda: Evil, we are not. Join with you, we mustn’t.
Saruman: You must join with me. It is your destiny!!!
Yoda: Chosen my path, I have. If it is wrong, that is not for you to decide, is it now, Master Saruman?
Elrond: I’m bored. Can I just go home instead of finding Pippin?
Galadriel: NO!!! IN PLACE OF A DARK LORD... Oops, sorry.
Gimli: AI!!! MY AX IS BROKEN!!!!
Jim: La de da...
Yoda: Broken Gimli’s ax, Master Jim has. Now pay, he must!
Jim: Do that, I cannot.
Saruman: Impressive imitation. Hey... WHAT’S THAT!!!!!
Gimli: I cannot make it out.
Jim: Elrond, can you tell???
Elrond: It looks like...
Galadriel: I think we should get off the road... GET OFF THE ROAD, QUICK!!!
They all dive off the road for no reason at all. Two people come running down the road, and bowl down Treebeard, who was still trying to deside whether to come off the road, or whether that would be hasty.
Treebeard: Burarum. Orc mischief!!!
Person 1#: Owww... I was just hit by a... by a... TREE!!!! What is this new deviltry!
Treebeard: TREE??!! I AM NO TREE!!!
Person 1#: It’s talking to me, Chewie. The tree is talking to me!!!
Treebeard: I AM NOT A TREE!!!
Person #2: Growl, growl.
Person #1: I wish I had Threepio here. I can’t understand a word you say!

Yoda: Princess Leia, that is. Go to her, we must.
Saruman: And what about the big ape beside her???
Yoda: Harm you, he shouldn’t! Ape, he is not.
Jim: You guys are lazy. Someone has to go tell Treebeard they’re not orcs.
Galadriel: Fine, fine. It’s obvious who you guys are pointing at here.
She walks out, and shouts at Treebeard.
Treebeard: They look like orc mischief to me.
Galadriel: They’re... not. Next time, Treebeard, get off the road though. Hey, you two! Come here!!!
Leia: How can I be sure you aren’t enemies???
Galadriel: You can’t. What side are you on?
Leia: The Rebellion.
Galadriel: Never heard of it. So, I guess we’re friends.
Leia: You’re causal.
Galadriel: Well, I can be. There’s this little green alien who knew who you were, Leia.
Leia: That means it’s time to run.
Galadriel: I could tell Treebeard to grab you, you know.
Leia: So? I have help here. This is Chewie.
Galadriel: Oh, well. No one can fight an Ent!
Leia: Well... I wouldn’t be to sure of that. Who are you??? You’re no human!!
Galadriel: I’m an elf. Come on, Leia. And tell your gorilla friend to put that weapon away.
Leia: He’s NOT A GORILLA!!!!

[Tiana, eh?]

<Narrator: Random person who has nothing whatsoever to do with Lord of the Rings or The Matrix because everyone else is too busy to narrate>
For the sake of things, I’ll tell you where everyone is at the moment. Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, and Arwen are in Rivendell. Celeborn, Legolas, Larry-boy, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Threepio, Artoo, and Darth Vader are also in Rivendell. Galadriel, Elrond, Saruman, Jim, Gimli, Yoda, Leia, Treebeard, and Chewie are somewhere in the Troll Shaws. Orlando Bloom, and Glorfindel are also in the Troll Shaws. Merry, Gandalf, Faramir (who’s hiding) and the Gollum Wraith are near the Fords of Bruinen. Goldberry is in the river Bruinen. Morpheus is falling down the rabbit hole. Neo, Trinity, Orophin, Bilbo, Éowyn, and Éomer are outside of Rivendell. Agent Smith, Pippin, and Boromir... well, we’ll leave that to you to guess...
Pippin: Uggg... I am in pain... And for that matter, I’m in a wraith world too!
Boromir: I TOLD YOU IT WAS A CONSPIRACY!!!!!
Agent Smith: Whatever. Pippin is in pain, okay. He should’ve never taken that ring from me... I wonder what it is, anyhow. It seems to be just a ring... But yet I turned invisible when I put it on... And everyone calls it ‘The One Ring’!
Ring: Ash nazg...
Agent Smith: Freaky!
Boromir: Freaky?
Agent Smith (groan): Odd, unusual, to the point of frightning.
Boromir: Oh, I get it. It’s a conspiracy!
Agent Smith (scowls): No! It. Is. Not. A. Conspiracy. It. Is. A. Freaky. Ring. However. Do. You. Get. The. Point?
Boromir: Yes. I. Do.
Pippin: Ugg.... I think I’ll just stay unconscious!
They all tumble to the ground as the Death Star flies overhead!
Boromir: What was that thing???
Agent Smith: Methinks it was a spaceship, oh you with a diminutive intellect that hast situated itself into idle stance.
Boromir: I think that was an insult, but since I haven’t memorized the entire thesaurus I cannot give meaning to that which you have, in recent moments, said without meaning, and said with dislike towards the person known as myself, methinks. I knew him well.
Agent Smith: R-right. You were surprised to see it, Mr. Boromir.
Boromir: Whatever. It was a conspiracy, remember. Nothing surprises me, Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith pops up again!
Mr. Smith: Yah called, myte? So where’s me mullah? I want it, myte, and if yah don’t cough it up, I’ll chop yah up into little pieces, and feed yah to the crocs, myte!
Agent Smith: Yah, say it.
Boromir: It’s a conspiracy!!!
Pippin: So where are we goin’?
Agent Smith: I WAS talking to Boromir, you know, Mr. Took!
Pippin: Yah, whatever. Did you know there was a freaky red eyeball starin’ at me? And then there was this freaky grayish thing that stabbed me!
Pippin backs off!
Mr. Smith: So myte? Yah want ta die?
Pippin: AI! AI! A Ring wraith of Sauron has come!!!! It’s the witch king!!!! !!!!!! Hi, Ring wraith!!!!
Mr. Smith: That isn’t my name, MYTE!!!! And now I’m gonna chop yah into itty bitty pieces and feed yah to the crocs!!!
Pippin: That wouldn’t exactly be appreciated, Mr. Scary lookin’ Ring wraith!
Mr. Smith: AI, quit callin’ me that!
Agent Smith (Shoots Mr. Smith): That’s for stealing my name, Mr. Smith!
Pippin: Oh, is that who he was? I thought he was a scary lookin’ Rign wraith!!
Boromir: Oi!
Agent Smith: I thought you were dead!!!
Pippin: Ask Master Elrond. We hobbits are very resilient to the evil of the ring.
Agent Smith: I really need to find out more about this one ring.
Boromir: I wouldn’t suggest that.
Agent Smith (eyebrows go all evil lookin’): And WHY not, Mr. Boromir??
Boromir (Thinking how much he reminds him of his father when angered): Because this here is a verrrry evil ring indeed. It’s a conspiracy, my friends, oh, yes indeed. It’s powerful, and contains all of Sauron’s power in one trinket, though it is no trinket. Yes, powerful indeed... Wait... Power...? Pippin, give ME the ring!!!!
Pippin: Uhh... No! We don’t need another Dark Lord.
Agent Smith: No... That we do not. Pippin, you should use this power to set right again the world. You could rule Middle-earth, you know. Join with me, and we can control the Matrix, and Middle-earth!!! The Dark Hobbit... How’s that sound, ehh?
They continue walking down the river, not noticing...
Pippin: But I don’t WANT to be evil!!!
Boromir: Oh, no. Not EVIL!!! That would be a conspiracy, dear hobbit. No, no. You would be good, and use the world to overthrow evil.
Agent Smith: Together we will rule these worlds, and all shall be right. IN PLACE OF A DARK LORD, YOU WILL RULE. All WILL LOVE YOU!!!!
Boromir: Just think, Pippin. You could have pints every day...
Pippin: Weeellll...

Meanwhile...
Faramir: I HATE hiding!!!! There is an evil thing that looks faintly like a medal duck flying towards Rivendell and Gandalf and Merry are fighting... a... a WRAITH!!! I’ve got to warn the others!!!
He dashs off beside the river, not realizing that he is going in the same direction as his brother and Pippin, and Agent Smith...
Back to Pippin...
Pippin: I really don’t want to take over anything though.
Boromir: Well, then you could give US the ring. We could use its power as a tool to do good.
Ring: Boromir... Smith... Perian... Pippin... Ash nazg... Ash... nazg... Isildur...
Boromir: I could avenge Isildur!!!
Agent Smith: I could cause the Matrix to become good!!!
Ring: ASH NAZG!!!
Pippin: AHHHH!
Agent Smith (momentarily stops): Pippin! What is it?
Pippin: The EYE!!! IT’S LOOKING FOR US!!!!
Boromir: It’s a conspiracy! No matter! So, Pippin, will you give us the ring???
Pippin: IT SEES ME!!!!
Agent Smith: Enough!!! I WILL TAKE THE RING!!! IF YOU WILL NOT GIVE IT TO US... THAN I WILL HAVE TO TAKE IT FROM YOU!!!!
Pippin: Oh... no... Ahhh!!!
Ring: Ash nazg!!!! The Ring...
Pippin puts the ring on!
Faramir: PIPPIN!!! NO!!!!
Pippin disappears!
Boromir: You heard everything we said, didn’t you, little brother?
Faramir: I heard enough!!! You are evil!!!
Agent Smith: And proud of it!
Faramir: This can’t be good...
Suddenly something appears from the river...
Goldberry: As you said it, Boromir!!! To bad you never got that helmet yet!!!! (snicker!)
Boromir: THAT’S YOUR DAD?!?!?!?
Thing that looks strangely like the watcher in the water pops up.
Goldberry: No, that’s just his pet...
Thing that looks strangely like Qui-Gon pops up!
Goldberry: That, however, is my father!!!
Qui-Gon: You two are not evil.
Boromir: I am not evil.
Agent Smith: I am a machine, a computer program!!!!! You cannot harm me with annoying Force tricks!!! MWHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
Qui-Gon: I could blow you up instead!!!
Agent Smith: But isn’t that the Dark Side???
Qui-Gon: I’m already dead! What harm can come of it?!?
Agent Smith: DANG! I KNEW IT WAS A CONSPIRACY!!!
Boromir: No, that was me!
Agent Smith: I’m not evil... What am I doing here???
Qui-Gon: That’s the thing with programs... They can be re-programed!
Boromir: I am not evil... I will be nice to Pippin... I do not want to steal the evil ring of power that will inable me to take over the world!
Qui-Gon: You’d better not!!!
Faramir: Cool!
Goldberry: Farewell. I’ve helped out as I could. Now it’s your turn. You must right this world.
Faramir: Suuure. Give ME the impossible task!!!!
Pippin: Can I take the ring off now???
Faramir: It would be advised, Pip.
Pippin: Okay. Because there are scary lookin’ things starin’ at me now!!!!
Faramir: Then take the (Fill in the blank) thing off!!!
Pippin: Watch your language!!!!

Meanwhile...
Celeborn: I’M NOT AN EVIL SITH LORD!!!!
Legolas: Celeborn... is... an... evil... Sith... Lord...
Darth Vader: I believe that he is contradicting you, Darth Celeborn.
Celeborn: But... but... I’m not!
Darth: Are (gasp) you (wheeze) sure?
Celeborn: You know that you are breathing so loudly that I could shoot you in the dark?
Luke: Huh? Of course he breathes loud!
Han: Umm... I have a bad feeling about this?

Meanwhile...
Gandalf: LOOK OUT!!!
Merry: I TELL YOU, IT’S A MEDAL DUCK!!!!
Gandalf: AS LONG AS IT’S NOT A CONSPIRACY!!!!
Merry: THAT’S BOROMIR’S LINE!!!!
Gandalf: I KNOW THAT!!!!
A green beam comes down from the ship, and they stop shooting at them.
Merry: Oh look!...
Gandalf: NO... DON’T...
Merry goes running into the green light beam. Gandalf, out of fear for the hobbit, goes running in to catch him... They both get sucked up by the beam!
Gandalf: Fool of a Brandybuck! How many times do I have to tell you: never go running into beams of light that come down from spaceships!
Merry: Umm, Gandalf, you’ve never told me that.
Gandalf: Oh. Well, them, you fool, I’m telling you now. Never, ever go running into green beams of light that come down from spaceships!
Merry: Gandalf, what’s a spaceship?
Gandalf: It’s a... Oh, never mind.
Merry: Do they all look like medal ducks?
Gandalf: No.
A guy that is wearing white armor that looks like a water gun could get through it walks up to them.
Merry: Gandalf, there is a guy standing behind you that is wearing dorky white armor.
Gandalf: Ah. Aha.
Merry (More persistent): Gandalf, there is a guy standing behind you that is wearing dorky white armor, and he is carrying a weapon.
Gandalf: Oh. Merry, look out. There is a man wearing dorky white armor standing behind me, and he’s armed.
Merry: I know that.
Gandalf: Oh, well why didn’t you say so?
Merry: I did!
Gandalf: Well, next time speak louder. Mr. Stormtrooper, could you please get us off the ship. We need to be back on Middle-earth so that we can destroy an evil Ring of Power!
Stormtrooper: Please put down all your weapons.
Merry: Um, weapons?
Gandalf: You wouldn’t part an old man from his support?
Merry: Gandalf, is my sword a weapon?
Gandalf: Shh.

[Tiana, eh?]

A door in the shapeship opens, and Glorfindel and Orlando Bloom get sucked up into the spaceship as well.
Orlando: Stupid elf. Never, ever go running into green beams of light that are coming down from spaceships. You could’ve got us all killed!
Stormtrooper: Surrender the ring.
Merry: Umm, Stormtrooper guy. You shouldn’t be here.
Stormtrooper: I shouldn’t be here.
Merry: You will take us the the Emperor.
Stormtrooper: I will take you to the Emperor.
Glorfindel: What just hapened?
Orlando: You, dimwit, just ran into a green beam of light, and now we are in a spaceship.
Glorfindel: Okay... Gandalf, what just happened?
Orlando: Oi!
Gandalf: THIS IS MY SUPPORT!!! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!
Merry: Gandalf, GANDALF!!!
Gandalf: What?!
Merry: I WILL NOT HAVE YOU KNOCKING SENSE INTO EVERYONE YOU MEET WITH THAT STICK!!!
Glorfindel: Are you forgetting about me?
Stormtrooper: What about me? Aren’t I important? And I thought I told everyone to put down their weapons... Didn’t I?
Gandalf: FLY, YOU FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stormtrooper: Umm... I don’t like how you are flinging that staff around... It is a weapon.
Merry: Umm... GANDALF!!!!!! GIVE. IT. UP!
Glorfindel: Umm... Jeez, that looks like Agent Smith!
Merry: Really?
Glorfindel: And so does that... and that one... and that one... and that one and that one...
Merry: One... two... There’s around twenty-eight Agent Smith’s.
Glorfindel: <faints>
Merry: Elves.
Agent Smith #1: Ahh... Mr. Brandybuck.
Merry: Yes. I am Mr. Brandybuck, Agent Smith, and Smith, and Smith, and, Smith, and Smith, and Smith, and Smith...
Agent Smith #2: We get the point.
Stormtrooper: HAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!
Gandalf: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I WAS DETAINED!!!!
Orlando: GANDALF THE GRAY!!!! GIVE. IT. UP!!!!! Oh, and wait until the opportune moment, while you are at it.
Gandalf: AND THIS IS IT!!!! MWHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!
Agent Smith #17: So, Mr. Brandybuck...
Merry: Where did all the Agent Smiths come from, anyhow? Where did he duplicate you?
Agent Smith #6: Umm... DON’T YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
Merry: Gee. That’s a complement. I know everything? Why did he make so many of you?
Agent Smith #22: Umm... PURPOSEFULLY!!!!!
Merry: Well, we know that it was purposeful. Why? How?
Agent Smith #1: Mr. Brandybuck, where is Mr. Anderson?
Merry: Mr. Anderson? Don’t know any Mr. Andersons? Orlando, do you?
Orlando: No. Oh, does he mean Neo?
Agent Smith #17: Yes. <In distaste> We mean Neo. Mr. Thomas A. Anderson.
Merry: Hmmm... So, what’s the “A” stand for?
Agent Smith #5: Well... personally, I’d think it stands for...
Agent Smith #6: Not in front of the halfling,
Agent Smith #5: I was going to say ‘Argumentive’.
Agent Smith #6: Oh.
Merry: Umm... Umm... They’re lookin’ for somethin’, or someone.
Orlando: Well, that’s obvious. They’re looking for Neo.
Merry: Well, yah. But I needed a line.

Meanwhile...
Neo: YOU TRAITOR!!!!!
Trinity: JERK!!!!!
Neo: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trinity: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!!!!
Bilbo: <rolls eyes>
Éowyn: How romantic!
Orophin: YOU ARE ALL BREATHING TOO LOUD!
Neo: <pauses mid argument> We are?
Orophin: No. But that’s what my brother would say to make you shut up.
Trinity: Well.
Neo: Well...
<Kiss scene that willn’t be described herein because I hate such scenes!>
Bilbo: <blushes>
Éowyn: <Swoons> Aragorn...
Arwen: BACK OFF, SISTER! HE’S MINE! <Looks at Orophin...> HeLLO!
Orophin: Hello yourself...
Bilbo: Umm...
Éowyn: Err... Arwen, you are not here.
Arwen: Well, I am now. Artoo took me here!
Éowyn: Hmmph!
Éomer: MPHHHHHHFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bilbo <looks at Éowyn>
Éowyn: DON’T EVEN THINK IT!
Haldir: YOU ARE ALL BREATHING TOO LOUDLY THAT I COULD SHOOT YOU IN THE DARK!!! AND, OF COURSE, IT IS DARK, SO I COULD SHOOT YOU IN THE DARK ANYHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator: I thought I left you and G2 in Lothlòrien.
G2: Yah, so? We have legs, you know.
Narrator: YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE IN LOTHLÒRIEN!!!!!!
Éowyn: ?
Éomer: ?
Bilbo: ?
Orophin:
Narrator: Oh, right. They are not suppose to be able to see me, as the narrator. <Freezes everyone, so that you can only see their eyes moving>
Éomer: <Evil Eye that could be translated to ‘It’s a conspiracy.’>
Narrator: <Freezes them completely.>
G2: WE CAN MOVE, YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!
Haldir: AND YOU, AS THE NARRATOR, SHOULD NOT BE BREATHING SO LOUDLY THAT I CAN SHOOT YOU IN THE DARK!!!!!
Narrator: Try.
Haldir: Try what?
Narrator: Try to shoot me. You cannot do it, and you know this, don’t you. But I cannot tell you why you cannot, for it is your choice to make, you know.
Haldir:
Narrator: All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
G2:
Green beam comes down from the sky, and sucks them all up into a spaceship that looks faintly like a medal duck.
Narrator: THIS IS NOT STAR TREK!!!!!!
Random other Stormtrooper: Welcome to the Enterprise.
Haldir: <Shoots random Stormtrooper> He was breathing too loudly.
G2: <Hits head on random medal pole>
Narrator: <Ditto>
Haldir: Obviously. this is not the Enterprise. We are in the Death Star!
Random Jedi Knight: IS NOT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Narrator: <Shoots random Jedi Knight> What? He was breathing too loudly!
Éomer: <Goes cross-eyed>
Narrator: Oh, right.
<Unfreezes them>
Éowyn: Where are we?
Éomer: Ditto.
Éowyn: I thought I had you ducttaped.
Trinity: Gee. Deja vu.
Éowyn: <Hits head on medel pole.>
Neo: Where?
Trinity: Huh?
Neo: Deja vu? You know!
Trinity: Know what?
Neo: There is no spoon.
Trinity: ?
Neo: They’ve changed something in the Matrix!
Trinity: So? This isn’t the Matrix.
Neo: Good point. There is no Matrix!
Trinity: <hits head on medal pole that is beginning to look rather dented>
Another random Stormtrooper: Halt. Who goes there?
Narrator: Um... we come in peace?
Neo: <Shoots ramdom Stormtrooper> He was breathing too loud.
Haldir: Gee, deja vu.
Trinity: Where?
Neo: <hits head on rather dented medel pole that has no significance save to allow the characters to hit their heads on the medal pole.> It was inevitable...
Trinity: You are beginning to sound like Agent Smith.
Neo: <Continues to hit head on pole>
Bilbo: Where are we?
Narrator: In a spaceship.
Bilbo: What’s your name?
Narrator: I... Umm... Err... I’ve lived alone for so long... I don’t know...
Bilbo: Ah. Hullo, Obi-Wan.
Narrator: No, I’m a Jawa.
Bilbo: <Hits head on medal pole>
Narrator: Okay fine. So what if I am Obi-Wan Kenobi? Does it matter?
Éomer: Yes. He owes me some money.
Obi-Wan: I am an E-wok.
Éomer: <Hits head on medal pole that is rather dented.>
Medal Pole: <Breaks>
Éomer: <Hits head on another pole that appeared from nowhere>
Second medal pole: <Breaks>
Éomer: ALAS!!!! MY POLE!!!!! A LAMENT FOR MEDAL POLE!!!!!!!!!!!
Neo: <Hits head on wall.>
Éowyn: <Hits head on roof> Oof!

[Tiana, eh?]

Meanwhile...
Legolas: Celeborn... is... an... evil... Sith... Lord...
Celeborn: SHUT UP!!!!!
Legolas: Shut... up... Celeborn... is... an.... evil... Sith... Lord...
Luke: I MUST KILL DARTH VADER!!!!
Han: KID, YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!! YOU WILL TURN TO THE DARK SIDE!!!!
Luke: Why do you care? It’s just a bunck of hokey religion, remember. You don’t believe that the Force exists.
Han: Well, maybe there’s a lot that I haven’t told you. I AM DARTH SOLO!!!!! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!
Random Ewok: Han, I am your father!
Han: When did you learn to speak English?
C-3P0: Um, Master Luke, there is an evil Sith Lord standing begind you.
Han: Wait, you are not my father.
Ewok: I am now!!!!!!
Han: <shoots random Ewok>
Frodo: What was that thing?
Legolas: Celeborn is an evil Sith Lord.
Celeborn: I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: Mr. Frodo, there is a Jawa standing behind you.
Frodo: What’s a Jawa?
Sam: I dunno.
Frodo: Then how could there be one standing behind me?
Sam: Because there is one standing behind you.
Frodo: But if you don’t know what it is, then how could it be standing behind me?
Sam: Trust me, Frodo. There is a Jawa standing behind you.
Random Agent: <Morphs into Jawa>
Frodo: <Turns around> Sam, that’s no Jawa.
Random Agent: Surprised to see me, Mr. Underhill?
Frodo: I am not Mr. Underhill.
Han: <Shoots random Agent> There!
Random Agent: You cannot kill me!!!
Darth Vader: <Shoots random Agent in the back of the head> Dodge this!
Luke: What was that thing?
Random Agent: YOU CANNOT KILL ME!!! I AM MADE OUT OF MITHRIL!!!!!!!
Sam: <Blinks>
Aragorn: <Faints>
Frodo: <Faints>
Sam: Losers.
Frodo: I heard that!
Another Random Ewok: I AM EVIL!!! I AM YOUR FATHER, DARTH VADER!!!!
Darth Vader: <Faints>
Aragorn: Hey, where’s Arwen?
Ewok (Tinny voice): I WILL BECOME POWERFUL!!!!!!
Sam: I will keep you for my Rosie, and I will call you Sauron. Hello Sauron.
Ewok: <Glares>
Han: <Shoots Ewok>
Darth Vader: THAT... THING IS NOT MY FATHER!!!!!!
Ewok: Oh yes I am!
Han: I shot you!
Ewok: HEH HEH!
Han: <Shoots Ewok again>
Ewok: YOU CAN’T KILL ME!! NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH!!!!!!!
Han: I WILL KILL YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!!!!
Sam: Sauron, be nice.
Ewok: <evil eye>
Sam: You are so cute, Sauron.
<A random green light beam falls from the sky...>
Celeborn: I’m saved!!!!!! A random green beam of light will suck me up! <Random purple beam of light sucks Celeborn up> Hey.
Legolas: Celeborn is still an evil Sith Lord...
Celeborn: AAAAMMMMMM NNNNNOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!
Luke: Gee. A random green beam of light.
Darth Vader: It has been delightful, but I must go now.
Larry: WELCOME TO VEGGIE TALES!!!!!
Ewok: IT’S NOT VEGGIE TALES!!!
Larry: Do you know how long it has been since I have had a line?
Ewok: Oooo! A pretty ray of light!
Darth Vader: NOOOO!
Ewok: <Gets picked up by random ray of light>
Han: Hey! Get back here!!!!!! <Gets sucked up by random beam of light>
Luke: HAHA!!! BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY! THERE’S NO INTELLIGENT LIFEFORMS ON THIS PLANET!!!!
Sam: Mr. Frodo’s not goin’ anywhere without me!
Frodo: Oh look. There goes Sauron.
Sam: Akkk!! My Sauron!!!! Come back here, Sauron!!!!!
Aragorn: I wilt go fourth, and enter the random beam of green light! <Gets sucked up by random beam of purple light>
Luke: Goody. Heroics. AKKK!!! <Gets sucked up by random beam of light>
Frodo: <Gets sucked up by random beam of green light>
Luke: <Falls out of random beam of green light>
Sam: <Gets sucked up by random beam of green light>
Darth Vader: <Beams himself up with random beam of red light>
Luke: Ooo! A Christmas tree!!!! <Gets sucked up by random beam of purple light> Why purple?
Random Jawa: I liked purple!
Larry: <Gets sucked up by random beam of blue light>
Random other Ewok: Han, I am your mother.
Han: Why me?
Threepio (C-3PO): WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!!!! <Gets sucked up by random magnet> Hey!
Luke: Hey, you wanted to come.
Random Jedi Knight: I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!!!!!!
Darth Vader: THAT’S MY LINE!!!!!!! <Shoots random Jedi Knight>
Random Jawa: I AM YOUR MOTHER!!!!!
Random Jedi Knight: <Ties up Jawa> I AM YOUR FATHER, DARTH VADER!
Darth Vader: <Hits head on medal pole that... strangely... has dents in it...>
Medal Pole: <breaks>
Random Ewok: I WILL BE BACK!
Darth Vader: <Puts random pole back together> <Hits head on pole>
Luke: <Rolls eyes> IT IS YOUR DESTINY!!! MWHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
Random Jedi Knight: I AM EVIL!!! JOIN WITH ME!!!!!
Threepio: Where are we, Master Luke?
Darth Vader: <Attacks random Jedi Knight> DIE, DOOKU, DIE!!!!!!!
Random Jedi Knight: Join with me, and togther, we shall defeat the Sith.
Darth: YOU CHOPPED OFF MY ARM!!!!! DIE!!!!! I WILL AVENGE MY ARM!!!!
Luke: And I thought that I was bad when he cut off my hand!
Random Stormtrooper: My head hurts. I was hit on the head by a crazy old man.
Gandalf: I AM NOT A CRAZY OLD MAN!!!!!! YOU WILL NEVER TRY TO REMOVE MY SUPPORT FROM MY AGAIN!!!!
Stormtrooper: IT DOESN’T LOOK AS IF YOU NEED SUPPORT!!!!! HAAALLPPP!
Gandalf: <Picks up random dented medal pole and hits Stormtrooper over the head with it> DIE!!!!! DIE YOU FOOL!!!!!
Frodo: <Hits head on wall>
Sam: Where is my Sauron?
Ewok: Hide me!
Sam: Ahhh! Sauron!!!! You are MY Sauron!!! And I will call you Joe Sauron. Hello Joe Sauron!
Ewok: Gandalf, can I borrow that medal pole?
Gandalf: <Gives Ewok random medal pole>
Ewok: <Hits head on random medal pole>
Merry: GANDALF! YOU WILL STOP HITTING THE STORMTROOPER!!!
Gandalf: FOOL OF A BRANDYBUCK!!!!!
Glorfindel: NORA LIM!!!!
Frodo: My head hurts. There is a dent in the wall.
Wall: Ouch.
Frodo: Walls don’t talk.
Random Agent: I’m a ventriloquist.
Frodo: Ha-ha.
Random Agent: Join me!
Larry: Um. Where are we going?
Threepio: No clue.
Celeborn: I AM NOT AN EVIL SITH LORD STILL HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
Legolas: Celeborn is an evil Sith Lord...
Celeborn: <Shoots Legolas> He was being too annoying.
Legolas: Ouch.
Celeborn: DIE!!!! DIE!!!!!
Legolas: Okay, fine! You are not an evil Sith Lord okay?
Celeborn: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
Legolas: Sorry. You are an evil Sith Lord!!!!!!!
Sam: Rosie will love you, Sauron.
Gandalf: <Pauses whilst jumping on the Stormtrooper> Sauron? Where?
Ewok: I AM AN EWOK!!!!
Narrator: THAT’S NOT YOUR LINE!!!
Ewok: Well, what do you think you are?
Éowyn: Low roof.
Éomer: HA-HA!!!! IT IS A CONSPIRACY!!
Neo: There is no roof.
Obi-Wan (Aka Narrator): I am an Ewok.
Éomer: YOU OWE MY MONEY, OBI-WAN!!!!!
Darth Vader: I thought I killed you.
Obi-Wan: I’m not dead yet. Who are you?
Darth Vader: I am... err... was your apprentice.
Obi-Wan (Confused): I don’t have an apprentice. I am still a Padawan.
Darth Vader: Come to think of it, you are suppose to be a really old guy. Must be a different Obi-Wan that I killed.
Obi-Wan: Yes. Because I am an Ewok.
Éomer: YOU OWE ME MONEY, OBI-WAN!!!!
Obi-Wan: I am an Ewok.
Trinity: Really?
Neo: There is no Ewok.
Trinity: You are annoying.
Bilbo: PUT ME DOWN!! NO ONE CARRIES A HOBBIT!!!!
Éomer: How come you are using my random medal pole to kill the Stormtrooper?
Haldir: Bilbo, you are breathing too loud.
G2: Well, Bilbo, I had to carry you. You couldn’t keep up when we went this way.
Haldir: EVERYONE IS BREATHING TOO LOUD!!!!!!!
Darth Vader: YOU TRY BREATHING QUIET IN THIS!!!!!!!!
Ewok: Help me!
Sam: Be nice, Sauron.

Meanwhile...
Jim: Beware of the Cyborg... MWHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!
Yoda: Broken, Gimli’s Axe is...
Gimli: Oh well. I never shoulda held it together with ducttape anyway. BUT THAT ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!!!!!!!!
Legolas (Very distant): Really? I’m on seventeen!!!!!
Gimli: Legolas!!! Where are you?
Legolas: I am in the spaceship!!!! Eighteen! Nineteen! Twenty one!...
<A random beam of purple light beams down from above...>
Gimli: You had better watch out, Legolas!
Legolas: Twenty-eight... thirty-two...
Gimli: <Gets sucked up by random purple beam of light>
Galadriel: Not much of a loss.
Elrond: So, you are saying to leave him then?
Galadriel: Well, I want to save Pippin.
Jim: Random purple beam of light?
Leia: Tractor beam?
Chewie: <Something unintelligible>
Leia: ?
Chewie: <Repeats something unintelligible>
Treebeard: Burarum!
Chewie: <Punches out Treebeard>
Treebeard: <Punches out Chewie>
Leia and Galadriel: SHUT UP!!!!!
Threepio: HAAALLPPP!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!! PUT ME DOWN!!!!
Elrond: <Looks up> There is a gold droid stuck to the bottom of that ship by a magnet.
Agent Smith: So I see.
Elrond: Where’d you come from, Agent Smith?
Agent Smith: Well, I’m not who you think I am. I am Agent Smith clone number three. And I’m also not an agent...
Elrond: Okay then. Ex agent Smith clone number three, what are you doing here.
Agent Smith who is not agent Smith: I’m not Agent Smith.
Threepio: LET GO OF ME!!!!
Leia: That is my droid, and I demand that someone retrives it!
Jim: In case you didn’t notice, he is attached to a flying ship that looks remotely like a medal duck.
Leia: Well of course I noticed. Now GO AND GET IT!!!!!!
Saruman: Join with me.
Leia: I’ve had enough of evil guys to last me for the rest of my life. <Shoots him with Blaster that she just somehow happened to have>
Saruman: Ouch.
Elrond: Uhhhh...
Galadriel: Does someone have a mirror?
Leia: Why?
Galadriel: I need to see if this new dress looks good on me.
Elrond: Don’t tell me that you brought all your purchases?
Galadriel: Fine, then I won’t.
Elrond: <Hits head> She is not related to me...
Threepio: No, no! I didn’t mean TO DROP ME!!!! HAAALPPP!!!! NOOOO!!!!!
Agent Smith: <Erases ‘Agent Smith’ and writes ‘Denethor’> JOIN WITH ME!!!!!!
Elrond: <Looks at screen> Hem... <Shoots Denethor> There!!!
Threepio: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! ARTOO!!!!!!! HALLLLPPPPP!!!!!
Saruman: <Catches Threepio using the Force>
Yoda: Force is power that lifts things, it is!