Galactic Auditions

[Morgana Le Fay]

*As this is my first posted story, a few reviews would be nice......*

Don't own the songs/characters, other than myself and Warious....sorta.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was time for the Universe wide music auditions, to
find the best of the best... and the worst of the
worst musical talent this side of the Black Gate.

Slowly the theater filled; the loud, noisy crowd
flooding in from the halls to await their turn to
sing, scream, or plug their ears. The judges took
their seats at the judges table on the empty stage
just before the velvet curtains rose and the fun
began. All three wore black (what?! it's cool!) in
different styles: Modified Jedi robes, a Sith cloak
and an 1890's opera cape. The crowd would have seen
their immaculate attire had they noticed that the
curtain rose. But they didn't. They were much too busy
talking.

Commander began, “Welcome to the - hey, is this thing
on?” She tapped mike. “Nobody's paying attention.”

Darth Warious tried. “Hellooooo? People? Are you
paying attention?"

Phantom of the Opera (A.K.A Erik) muttered, “Obviously
not,” and settled in for what looked like a LONG day.

Indeed, no one was paying attention; even amplified
the Judges' words were lost in the din. Then, a
horrendous noise grabbed everyone's attention. It
sounded vaguely like some one humming 'Rhapsody in
Blue' while being strangled. "SHUT IT OFFF, SHUT IT
OFFF!!!!!!!!" everyone yelped, protecting their
precious ears.

“That's better. Thanks, Luke.” Commander said.

Luke spat out the water in his mouth into a glass,
“Here's your water back,” and held out the glass to
Commander.

“EUGH! Jeedai spit!” Darth Warious scowls.

“Er...You drink it.” Commander says to Luke, waving it
away. He shrugs and hops off stage. “Any way...Welcome
to AUDITIONS!!!” The words echoed around room.
“Cool... I am Commander, your Judge- slash- moderator
- slash –announcer for today. Here are my fellow
Judges - Darth Warious
and Monsieur Le Fantôme. Our first victi--Um,
Contestant,”

Warious nods enthusiastically. “Victim!” She cackles
evilly.

“CONTESTANT! Today is...” Commander consults the paper
in front of her, “Captain Jack Aubrey, singing ‘A
British Tar’.”

The pudgy Captain came to the stage with thunderous
applause and began to sing...
(A British Tar - HMS Pinafore)
“A British tar is a soaring soul
As free as a mountain bird
His energetic fist should be ready to resist
A dictatorial word
His nose should pant and his lip should curl
His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl
His bosom should heave and his heart should glow
And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow”

(The sailor crew could be seen mouthing and gesturing
along as Jack began to sing faster.)
“His nose should pant and his lip should curl
His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl
His bosom should heave and his heart should glow
And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow

(Jack's singing speed returned to normal as he went on
to the next verse.)
“His eyes should flash with an inborn fire
His brow with scorn be wrung
He never should bow down to a domineering frown
Or the tang of a tyrant tongue
His foot should stamp and his throat should growl
His hair should curl and his face should scowl
His eyes should flash and his breast protrude
And this should be his customary attitude”

(Then he began to sing faster again.)
“His eyes should flash with an inborn fire
His brow with scorn be wrung
He never should bow down to a domineering frown
Or the tang of a tyrant tongue
His foot should stamp and his throat should growl
His hair should curl and his face should scowl
His eyes should flash and his breast protrude
And this should be his customary attitude!”

Jack's crew went wild, giving him a standing ovation
that knocked Captain Jack Sparrow's hat off, who
favored the boisterous sailor crew with a glare .

“Now for the Judges' critique,” Commander announced.

“Not bad,” Warious said.

“A little less enthusiasm next time.” Commander added,
wiping flung spit off her papers.

“Acceptable. You were off by a half a beat,” Ever the
critic, Le Fantôme.

Jack walked off the stage to more applause, and was
mobbed by his crew.

Commander continued, “Next, Wes Janson and Face Loran,
with ‘Master of the House’.”

The Phantom rolled his eyes as the audience applauded.

“Thank you! Thank you very much.” Face said after
walking onto the stage with Janson. He waited.

Wes Janson hissed at Face, “Aren't you going to sing?”

Face looked at Janson, “You start, remember?”

“I'm the girl.” Wes said.

“No, I am.” Face argued

“No, I am!”

“I am!”

“I am!”

“I am!!!”

“I AM!!!”

“We agreed I was!” Face pointed out.

“No, we agreed I was. You sing.” Wes argued back.

“You sing!!!”

“I like the skirt. You sing this time.”

“You'll stretch the skirt!!!”

“It's MY skirt.” Wes growled.

Darth Warious coughed loudly.

“What?” Wes and Face demanded at the same time.

Warious pointed off stage to where Boba Fett was
readying his rocket launcher.

“You/I'll Sing.” Wes and Face said in unison.

(Master of the House -the clean version- Les
Miserables)
Face sang,
“Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down,
and meet the best
Innkeeper in town.
As for the rest,
All of them crooks!
Rooking the guests
and cooking the books.
Seldom do you see
honest men like me:
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be...
Master of the House
Doling out the charm,
Ready with a handshake
and an open palm.
Tells a saucy tale,
Makes a little stir,
Customers appreciate a bon-vievuer.
Glad to do a friend a favor,
Doesn't cost me to be nice,
But nothing gets you nothing,
Everything has got a little price!
Master of the House,
Keeper of the zoo!
Ready to relieve them of a sou or two!
Watering the wine,
making up the weight,
Pickin' up their knickknacks
when they can't see straight.
Everybody loves a land lord,
Everybody's bosom friend!
I do what ever pleases,
Jeepers! Won't I bleed them in the end!”

(The crowd joined in at the chorus),
“Master of the house,
Quick to catch your eye!
Never wants a passer by
to pass him by
Servant to the poor,
Butler to the great,
Comforter, Philosopher
and life long mate!
Everybody's boon companion,
Everybody's chaperone,”

(Face reclaimed the spotlight and soloed)
“But lock up your valises
Jeepers! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter, M'sieur,
Lay down your load,
Unlace your boots,
rest from the road.
This weighs a ton,
travel's a curse,
but here we strive
to lighten your purse.
Here the goose is cooked,
here the fat is fried,
and nothing's overlooked
Till I'm satisfied...
Food beyond compare,
food beyond belief!
Mix it in a mixer
and pretend it's beef!
Kidney of a horse,
liver of a cat,
filling up the sausages
with this and that!
Residents are more than welcome,
bridal suite is occupied.
Reasonable charges
Plus! Some little extras on the side...
Charge 'em for the lice,
extra for the mice,
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice.
Here a little slice,
there a little cut,
three percent for sleeping with the windows shut.
When it comes to fixing prices,
there are lots of tricks he knows,
How it all increases,
all them bits and pieces,
Jeepers! It's amazing how it grows!

(The crowd joined in again.)
“Master of the house,
Quick to catch your eye!
Never wants a passer by
to pass him by
Servant to the poor,
Butler to the great,
Comforter, Philosopher
and life long mate!
Everybody's boon companion,
Gives 'em every thing I've/he's got”

(Face soloed with feeling)
“Dirty bunch of geezers!
Jeepers! What a sorry little lot!”

(Wes Janson, dressed as Madame Thenardier in a
vulgarly colored skirt, began...)
“I used to dream
That I would meet a prince,
But... have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the House"?!
Isn't worth my spit!
"Comforter, Philosopher"
and life long git!
Cunning little brain,
Regular Voltaire,
Thinks he's quite a lover,
but there's not much there!
What a cruel trick of nature,
landed me with such a louse?!
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this blasted in the house!”

Then everyone began to sing,
“Master of the house!”

(Wes)
“Master and a half!”

(Chorus and Face)
“Comforter, philosopher”

(Wes)
“Ha! Don't make me laugh!”

(Chorus and Face)
“Servant to the poor,
Butler to the great!”

(Wes)
“Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!”

(Chorus and Face)
“Everybody bless the master!
Everybody bless his spouse!”

(Face)
“Every body raise a glass!”

(Wes)
“Raise it up the master's as!!!”

(All)
“Everybody raise a glass to the master of the
house!”

The audience burst into enthusiastic applause, but
Commander and Darth Warious are laughing too hard to
say diddly-squat. The only advice given is... “Know
your parts before hand.” The Phantom said over
the laughing of his two counterparts.

Miraculously, Wes and Face make it off the stage.



Commander recovered and continued, “'hic' Ok, now...
Moony, Padfoot and Prongs? Your turn. They will be
performing...3 Little Maids from School?” She asked
incredulously.

Warious snerked.

The Phantom rolled his eyes.

The said three Apperated on stage and gave grudging
nods in confirmation. They had been buzzed when
Severus had tricked them into performing this...In
soprano.

Without magic.

So Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs began to sing,
“Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a school-girl well can be
Filled to the brim with girlish glee
Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun
Nobody's safe, for we care for none
Life is a joke that's just begun
Three little maids from school

Three little maids who, all unwary
Come from a ladies' seminary
Freed from its genius tutelary
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
Two little maids in attendance come
Three little maids is the total sum
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school”

(The Phantom longingly fingered a lever on the
table...)

“From three little maids take one away
Two little maids remain, and they
Won't have to wait very long, they say
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

Three little maids who, all unwary
Come from a ladies' seminary
Freed from its genius tutelary
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school”

The audience was in complete shock, especially after
that last note. The only coherent person, Severus
Snape, was sporting a very satisfied look.

“Ok...” Warious snickered maniacally.

“How...can... you...hit that...” Commander said in
shock.

“Stay within your range” The Phantom added, touching
the lever again.

The troupe quickly marched off the stage.

“Thanks...er, ...guys...?” Commander said uncertainly.

Captain Jack Sparrow turned to Will Turner and
muttered, “They must be eunuchs.”

Will blinked.

“What's that?” Luke Skywalker asked turning around
from his seat, three rows in front.

Next to him, Han snickered. “You don't want to know,
kid.”

[Morgana Le Fay]

“Now two special guests will sing a heartfelt duet.
Would Master Kenobi and Lord Vader come here please?”
Commander asked.

The Ghost of the Ancient Obi-Wan materialized on the
stage, yet Vader was nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly, the thrilling sounds of the Imperial March,
the most feared-and-revered anthem in the Galaxy
blared through the speakers in THX (Skywalker) sound.
Darth Vader made his grand entrance thru the back
door, and marched to the stage amidst the music, boos
(from those loyal to the Rebellion) and cheers (from
those not. Obviously.).

“Why does HE have to be here?!?!” Warious groaned.
Glaring at Vader she said, “Quit the theatrics and
sing already!”

Vader Glared back. -HOOOOO-kaaaaaah-

Obi wan began singing,
(For Good - from 'Wicked' A/N: this is a very
beautiful song...if Vadie isn't doing it.)
“I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led
to those who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
because I knew you....

Like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway thru a wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.”

Vadie took the next verse...
“-hoo-It well may be -KAAA-
-HOOO- that we will never -KAAA-hoo- meet again
in this lifetime -KA-HOOO- so let me say before we
part -kaaa-
-HOO- so much of me -kaaaaa- is made -hooo-
from what I learned from you -kaaaa-
you'll be with me -HOO-kaaaa-
like a handprint on my heart -Kaaaa-
And now whatever way our -Hooo- stories end, -kaaa-
I know you -HOO- have rewritten mine -kaaa-
by being my friend... -HOOOOOOOOO-

Like a ship blown -kaa-hoo- from its mooring -kaa-
by a wind off the sea -kaaaa-HOO-
Like a seed dropped -HOO- by a skybird -HOO-
in a distant wood -kaaa-hooooOO-
who can say -KAAA- if I've been changed for -KAAA- the
better?
But, -HOOO- because I knew you...-kaaaaaaa-

(Obi Wan)
“Because I knew you...”

(Both)
“I have been (HOO) changed (kaaa -HOO) for good.”

(Vader)
And just -Hooo- to clear the air, -kaaa- I ask -Hoo-
forgiveness -kaaa-
for the things I've -KAAA- done you -HOO- blame me
for. -Kaaaaa-

(Obi Wan)
“But then I guess, we know there's blame to share”

(Both)
“And (hoo) none of it (HOOO) seems to matter (HOOO)
any more...

(Obi/Vader)
“Like a comet pulled from orbit / Like -kaaa- a ship
blown from its mooring -hooo-
as it passes a sun / by a wind -kaaa- off the sea
Like a stream that meets a boulder / -hooo- Like a
seed -ka-HOOO- dropped by -HOOO- a bird
halfway thru a wood / in the wood –kaaaaaaaa-”

(Both)
“Who (hoo) can (kaaa) say if I've (hoo) been changed
(HOOOO) for the better? (Kaaaaa)
I do believe (Kaa) I have been changed (KA-hoo) for
the better...”

(Obi)
“Because I knew you”

(Vadie)
-HOOO- Because I knew you...-kaa HOO-

(Both)
“Because I knew you, (Kaaaa-HOOOOO-)
I have been changed..... (Kaaa,kaaaa,kaaa HOOOO)
For Good... (kaaaaahhhhhh)”

The performers broke down onstage, hugging each
other...ummm, air hugging each other thru their tears.

The Elves in the crowd are so touched that they are
sobbing too. Vader's lenses were fogged up when
Obi-Wan released his ghostly hold on his former
apprentice-turned-his-murderer in order to face the
Judges.

“Er...Um....Touching...’cough-snigger’ Ahem.”
Commander said, suppressing a shudder.

“Awwwwww.” Warious said dripping with sarcasm and then
turned to Erik “Where's the trapdoor lever?”

The Phantom ignores Darth Warious. “Your breathing
needs improvement,” he informed Lord Vader.

Vader glared at the Phantom.

The Phantom sent an equally impressive and far more
menacing glare back.

As the audience applauded, Obi -Wan steered his
murderer off the stage before a choking contest can
begin. An openly weeping Luke Skywalker ambushed them
as they descended, causing a gushy soppy sobbing mass
of mechanical arms, cloaks, lightsabers and heads.

“Ahem...AHEM!!!!!” Commander tried to get the
attention back into focus. The sobbing hug
disintegrated. “Ok...” Commander consulted the papers
and made a face that read Oh, NO. “Umm, Now
Mademoiselle Carlotta will...uh, entrance us with
the...er, extent of her talent....”

The Phantom and Darth Warious wore shocked looks.

Realizing that, yes, this wasn't a nightmare, Darth
Warious cried out, “NOOOO!!!! NOOOOT
HEEEEEEEERRR!!!!!!” and tried to hide under the table.


The Phantom, muttering curses in French, pulls the
struggling and complaining Darth Warious back into
her seat.

Not even the faintest vision could miss Carlotta,
overdressed in bright colors and dripping -literally-
with jewels, as she flounced to the mike. She paused
and preened a moment, basking in the spotlight, waving
to the crowd, ...and casting a watchful eye at the
rafters above her. Carlotta began to sing.

“I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today
I feel charming
Oh so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real

See the pretty girl in that mirror there
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face”

Meanwhile Darth Warious was pleading, “PLEEEEAAASE
pull it, She's KILLING me!!!!!!!”

“Such a pretty dress”

Commander added, “DO it, before my head explodes!!!!!
PLEEEASE!!!!”

“Such a pretty smile”

The Phantom smiled maliciously behind his mask, “With
pleasure,” and yanked the lever on table.

“Such a preeeeeeeeeetty
meeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

Carlotta disappeared. The audience takes a moment to
notice that the atrocious noise has, indeed, stopped,
unplugs their ears and...LOUD TUMLTUOUS APPLAUSE FILLS
THE THEATER!!!!!!!!

“She probably deserved that,” Captain Jack Sparrow
noted nonchalantly.

Faint muffled thumping could be heard, if one listened
hard... But no one did.

Commander, sounding relieved and MUCH happier, began,
“OK, now THAT’S over. Next, THE Wedge Antilles,
performing ‘Stouthearted Men’.”

Catcalls from his pilots could be heard mixed with the
applause as he walked on the stage. Unfortunately,
Janson had put out a bet on whether or not Wedge would
actually sing it. The polls leaned towards 'NOT'.
Wedge dragged the mike away from the trap door and
began to sing.

(Stout Hearted Men)
“Give me some men
Who are stouthearted men
Who will fight for the right they adore!

Start me with ten,
Who are stouthearted men,
And I'll soon give you ten thousand more! Oh!

Shoulder to shoulder
And bolder and bolder
they'll grow as they go to the fore!

Then
Nothing can halt or mar a plan
When
Stouthearted men stick together man to man!”

The pilots cheered their fearless leader
enthusiastically, and then went to Janson to get or
pay their money.

Darth Warious quipped . “Not bad for a fighter
jockey.”

Wedge glared. “Hey!”

“Not bad for a Corellian,” Commander added.

“You're insulting a superior officer. You do know what
that means,” Wedge retaliated.

"MOI? Insulting? I'm merely pointing out a fact.” She
retorted innocently.

Wedge muttered embarrassedly under his breath.

“Needs work...” Erik said. “A lot of work," he added
under his breath.

Wedge replaced the mike and scrammed off the stage.

“Now for another sailor's performance.” Commander said
trying to move things along. “Captain Sparrow, would
you come to the stage?”

There was no response.

“Captain Sparrow....?”

Captain Jack Sparrow, “SKNNNNNNNXXXXXXX” -ed loudly.

The infamous Captain is asleep under his hat, with his
feet propped up on a seat in front of him, arms
dangling, and snoring as loud as a cannon shot.

Will turner tried, “Jack...?”

"SKNXXX."

Then Elizabeth, “JACK.”

"SKNNNNXXXXXX."

Then Gibbs, “Capt'n JACK!!”

"SNNNNKXXXXXX."

Finally Annamaria decided to do something and whacked
Jack on the head, bellowing in his ear, “JACK, WAKE
UP!!!!!!!”

Captain Jack Sparrow woke up, “Sknnx-x-x-x- What?
What?”

Will, Elizabeth, Gibbs and Annamaria yelled, “YOU'RE
ON!!!!”

“Oh, is that all...”

Jack rose, stretched, and walked...sorta...to the
stage. “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen... Ah, what
exactly
am I doing?” Captain Sparrow asked.

“A Pirate's Life for Me” Commander reminded him mildy
.

“Ah, yes. 'A Pirate's Life for Me.' And that it is.”
And he began.

“Yo Ho, YO HO! A pirate's life for me!

We pillage, plunder, we rifle and loot,
Drink up me hearties. Yo ho!
We kidnap and ravage, we don't give a hoot!
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!

Yo Ho, YO HO! A pirate's life for me!"
Captain Aubrey glares at his singing crew men, who
shut up quickly.

"We extort and pilfer, we filch and sack,
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!
Maraud and embezzle and even hijack,
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!

Yo Ho, YO HO! A pirate's life for me!

I LOVE this song!!!! Whoa!” Captain Sparrow’s boot
caught on the slightly raised trapdoor and nearly
toppled over. He stomped down with his other boot,
pinching a hand between the door and the floor. A
muffled scream is heard under the music.

“We kindle and char and inflame and ignite,
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!
We burn up the city, we're really a fright!
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!

We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and
knaves,
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!
We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs,
Drink up me hearties, Yo ho!
Yo Ho, YO HO! A pirate's life for me!

Yo Ho, YO HO! A pirate's life for me!

YO HO, YO HO A PIRATE"S LIFE FOR ME!!!!!”

A bored Darth Warious sees this as the perfect moment
to es-ca-pay while everyone else is caught up in the
infectious music. She slinks out of her chair...and
under the table....and across the floor.....behind
Captain Jack....who looks down at her.

Darth Warious grinned and said, “Hi.”

“What are you doing down there?” Captain Jack Sparrow
asked.

Thinking fast, Warious replied, “Break-dancing!”
(Note: Warious cannot break-dance)

“And How do you do that?”

“Like this,” Warious said spinning around on her butt.

“Looks like fun!” Captain Jack joined Warious on the
floor. The crowd cheers happily and chants "Yo ho,
yo ho, a pirates life for me!!!!” with all their
might.

The dancing continued until the song ended. Commander
dragged Warious back to her seat to pronounce
Judgment.

Sitting down Commander spoke, “Interesting dancing.”
And looks pointedly at Warious, who stuck her tongue
out.

“Appropriate music.”

“Sing, don't chant.” The Phantom criticized.

Captain Jack Sparrow looked miffed.

Darth Warious called out to Captain Sparrow, “That was
fun. Can we do that again?”

“Of course!! Drinks all around!!” And the crowd
cheered.

Jack walked, er, however he moves, off the stage to
gales of applause.

“Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here until my ship-“

“MY ship!!!!!!”Annamaria bellowed.

“-her ship, is fixed!” Captain Jack amended.

There was more applause.

“Thank you, Captain Sparrow!! There will be an
intermission, so move around while you can!” Commander
announced before taking off to deal with a few
pressing problems.
Captain Jack commandeers the music and cranks it up
and Darth Warious reclaims the stage to break-dance.
Commander deals diplomatically with the elves, who
want to sing the 8 hour long 'Lay of Luthien' while
Phantom takes care of the noises emanating from the
basement under the trap door. Annamaria confronts
Captain Jack about just whose boat the Pearl is.

Haldir teaches Luke how to chicken dance, Mara and
Leia pretend that isn't happening and everyone else
decides this is an excellent photo opportunity. The
Hobbits join in the dancing.

Warious saves Captain Jack from the Pearl's current
Captain, grabs Saruman, and together they bring down
the house.

Phantom remains in the relative safety of the
basement, having dealt with the noises, until
Commander comes and drags him back out...right before
intermission ends.

Wes and Face start an informal "I Can Burp Louder Than
YOU Can!" Contest that is won by Vadie, who'd been
swigging Tarkin's Pepsi , "But only because his mask
amplifies things," Wes grumbled. Aubrey was a close
second. Phantom would have beat all, with his
incredible ventriloquism skills, had he been inclined
to do so. "Disgusting." was his only comment on
hearing the winning belch.

Meanwhile, Legolas stares into space, thinking. (A/N:
AHHHHHH!!! IT THINKS!!!!! *Is given weird looks by
everyone* Ok, it doesn't, really, but I have altered
reality as spoof author!!! MUUHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

Gimli, between polishing off a huge bucket of popcorn
and inhaling the rest of Haldir's forgotten soda, asks
"What is your problem, Legolas?"

"That...Man...over there.....He looks just
like...me...," the elf stammered thoughtfully.

Gimli looks across the aisle, where Legolas is staring
and back about six times. Will Turner, oblivious to
the staring... and everything else, for that matter,
blinks. "I believe it's a she..." Gimli decides before
gobbling Aragorn's abandoned popcorn and loudly
slurping soda.

Legolas shrugs off his deja-vu and goes to do the
chicken dance with his cousin, Luke, Lando, the
Hobbits, and a few others. Neo was doing a bullet time
version in the air, rotating around. It looked
cool...barely.

The dancers wind down, clear the stage, and turn off
the music just before the vanished Judges
rematerialize.

After a last round of applause for the Dancing Sith
and Company, Commander starts the show again.
" Ok, now that we're all wound down... Or wound up,
rather, who’s ready for some more?"

"BRING IT ON!!!!" The enthusiastic crowd chants
loudly.

“OK!!!" Commander shouts back. "Now, The Hobbits Frodo
Baggins, Sam Gamgee, Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took
will sing "Little People" from Les Misérables."

[Morgana Le Fay]

The famous Hobbits nervously come to the stage to loud
applause. Merry tries to angle the mike down, but
can't. Pippin tries, but fails. Then, Merry whispers
to the others. They nod... and make a Hobbit pyramid
to reach the mike. The audience cheers their efforts,
then silences quickly.

(Part of "Little People" - Les Misérables)

(Merry) "They laugh at me these fellows just because I
am small
(Pippin) They laugh at me because I'm not a hundred
feet tall!
(Sam) I tell them there's a lot to learn down here on
the ground,
(Frodo) The world is big, but little people turn it
around.

(Merry) A worm can roll a stone
(Pippin) A bee can sting a bear
(Sam) A fly can fly around Versailles

( All four) 'Cos flies don't care!

(Frodo) A Sparrow in a hat can make a happy home
( All four) A flea can bite the bottom of the Pope in
Rome!

[Pip hissed "Psst, Merry, what's a Pope?"
"A pipe with an 'O', Pip," Merry told him.
"Oh."]

(Sam) So listen here Professor, with your head in the
cloud,
(Pippin) It's often kind of useful to get lost in a
crowd.
(Merry) So keep your Universities, I don't give a lamb
( All four) For better or for worse, it is the way
that I am.
(Pippin) Be careful as you go, ‘cause little people
grow...

(Merry) And little people know, when little people
fight,
( All four) We may look easy pickings, but we got some
bite!
(Sam) So never kick a dog because he's just a pup!
(Frodo) You'd better run for cover when the pup grows
up!

We'll fight like twenty armies and we won't give up!"

They earned a long round of applause. The Judges
pronouncement was just as encouraging.

"Cool! Perfect song!" from Commander.

"'Cute.' Sounded good," Warious added.

"Not bad..." Phantom said reluctantly.

Applause followed the fabulous four off the stage,
while Warious fixed the mike.

"Now Obi wan Kenobi will serenade us with a ballad he
composed," the announcer...announced.

Young Obi Wan strode on stage. Darth Maul followed,
floating a blood red with black highlights acoustic
guitar and a chair with the Force. Young Obi, Ancient
Obi and Luke go thru
deja-vu-oh-my-did/do-I-really-look-like THAT?! Phase
until Maul impatiently twangs a chord to get the show
on the road.

Young Obi glares at Maul, gets glared at, then turns
his attention to the mike.
(Saga Begins - Weird Al Yankovic A/N: He gets paid for
what I do for fun! No fair!)
"A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
And he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I knew he built C-3PO -"

"BRAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP"

Silence fell upon the theater. Luke fainted from the
shock. The people around Gimli uncovered their ears
and glared. Celeborn, seated in front of the dwarf,
was now sporting a windswept-with-hairspray 'do --in
reverse.

"THAT was uncalled for." Aragorn informed the Dwarf
quietly. Legolas looked stunned by the blast.

"Ah, it was just the wind. Get on with ya!" Gimli
waved a dismissive hand.

Young Obi continued shakily, regaining strength as he
went on.

"Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
And he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I knew he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interview the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"


.We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi""

Phantom spoke immediately. "Standard, stale and dull
composition. Vocal isn't much better."
Young Obi looks disheartened. The Sith snigger evilly.
"Neither was the guitar."
Darth Maul glares and menacingly bares his teeth.

"That sounds familiar...Very familiar. Where have I
heard that before?" Commander searches her mental
music file.

Warious can do nothing but snicker.

The strange duo exits to applause.

"Thank you. Now for something with a techno twist:
Agent Smith, with 'Mr. Roboto.'" Commander says.

Neo swivels around in his seat. "Smith?!? Get
him!!!!!"

Neo descends on Smith as the computer program walks
down the aisle. Smith reacts quickly, leaping into the
air. The Agent and The One barrel roll/kick/jump
towards each other in the air (in bullet time, of
course), screaming bloody murder.

"HOLD IT!!!!"

They freeze in mid-punch, inches away, to look at the
moderator.

"NO fights." She glares at them sternly. "If you're
having difficulties, Take. It. Outside. Afterwards.
Because this is rented...and we all want to watch."

"Oh. Ok." Neo flips back into his seat.

Agent Smith flips onto the stage in silence, adjusts
his suit, and cues the music.

[Morgana Le Fay]

(Mr. Roboto -Styx)

(Background voices)
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Mata ah-oo Hima de
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Himitsu wo Shiri tai

(Smith)
You're wondering who I am
(Background voices)
Secret, secret. I've got a secret
(Smith)
Machine or manniquin
(Background voices)
Secret, secret. I've got a secret
(Smith)
With parts made in Japan
I am the Modern Man

I've got a secret I've been hiding
under my skin.
My heart is human, my blood is boiling,
my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely
don't be surprised.
I'm just a man who needed someone
and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive - Just to keep me alive.

Somewhere to hide to keep me alive.

I'm not a robot without emotions -
I'm not what you see.
I've come to help you with your problems
so we can be free.
I'm not a Hero, I'm not a Saviour,
forget what you know.
I'm just a man whose circumstances
went beyond his control
Beyond my control- we all need control.

I need control - we all need control.

I am the Modern Man, who hides
behind a mask
So no one else can see
my true identity."

(Background voices sing)
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, Domo....Domo

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, Domo....Domo

(Smith)
"Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto,
For doing the jobs that nobody
wants to
And thank you very much, Mr.Roboto,
For helping me escape just when I
needed to
Thank you -Thank you Thank you,
I want to thank you, please, thank you.

(background voices are silent)

(Smith)
The problem's plain to see: Too much
Technology
Machines to save our lives. machines
dehumanize.

The time has come at last
To throw away this mask
So everyone can see
My true Identity....
I'm Smith!
Smith!
Smith!!!!!!"

The crowd applauds for the unique version of a popular
rock song.

"You should do a duet with C-3P0," Commander
suggested.

Darth Warious snickered.

"Interesting..." Phantom notes disinterestedly.

Agent Smith strode off the stage.

"Next, Severus Snape - yes, I did say Severus Snape,"
Commander added at Warious's questioning look, "I'm
sure he would love to stupefy us with his hidden
talents. Severus Snape will be singing 'Love Potion
Number Nine.'"

Severus cringed, a look of utter refusal on his face.

"You' re up, please," Commander requested, a touch of
the evil sadist that she really was in her voice.
Warious grabbed the paper and read it, and then broke
down snickering, knowing full well he would have his
revenge for her laughing after.

Snape remained in his seat. "I did not enter my name."

"Nevertheless, your name is - there," Commander said,
snatching the paper back from her friend and pointing.
"And you must perform."

Snape glared.

"We're waiting....."

A puff of green smoke appeared where the Potions
Master had been. The Audience gasped.

"Who did enter his name?" Commander hissed at the
barely recovered Sith.

Warious couldn't answer because the microphone
squelched into life. Snape muttered/sang very, very
quickly, glaring the entire 30 seconds.

Warious snerked. "You can do better than that, Sev."

Snape glared.

Phantom sighed, annoyed. "Pitiful talent."

Commander, meanwhile, was hiccuping, trying to hold
laughter back. Finally, she couldn't hold it."That
'giggle/hic' was 'snrk' WAAY too 'hic' FUNNY!!!!" She
stuttered before exploding in laughter.

Snape did not like that.

"Expelliarm-" he yelled, whipping out his wand --- and
vanishing.

Warious looked suspiciously at Phantom, who was
resetting the lever.

"'hic' Ooopps...Oh well. 'hic'," Commander said.

"HEY!!!!!" Warious glared.

"What?!!! It was funny.... Anyways." Commander went on
hurriedly. "Thank you Professor Snape...and Monsieur
Phantom. Today, we have a very special event for you
all. Our next performer is none other than The
Phantom of the Opera himself!" It sounded like a
sudden downpour had begun in the theater. “He has
chosen to grace us with ’My Immortal'. It's all yours,
Monsieur."

Phantom rose, swept up his cloak, and strode over to
the mike. He reached out a hand, and switched it off.
He stared out at the silent audience, drawing out the
tension. Then...

(My Immortal by Evanescence)
"I'm so tired of being here,
Suppressed by all my childish fears,
and if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave,
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone,

"These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just to real,
There's just to much that time cannot erase,

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
and you screamed I’d fight all way of your fears,
I've held your hand through all of these years,
But you still...have...all of me,

"You used to captivate me,
by your resignating smile,
now I’m bound by the life you left behind,
Your face it haunts,
my once pleasant dreams,
your voice it chased away,
all the sanity in me,

"These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just to real,
there's just to much that time cannot erase,

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
and you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears,
and I’ve held your hand through all of these years,
but you still...have...all of me

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
but though your still with me,
I've been alone all along,

"When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears,
and you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears,
I've held your hand through all of these years,
but you still...have...all of me

"All...of...me..."

The last haunting note faded into pure silence. Not a
face in the theater was dry. Even those who wouldn't
admit they were crying had tears running down their
faces.

Phantom strode offstage.

"I'm SING - in' in the rain-"

He returned bearing a brightly colored umbrella.

"Just SING-in' in the rain-"

Phantom skipped over to the other side of the stage.

"What a GLOR-ri-us FEEL-ing, I'm HAP-py again."

Jango Fett, holding his own gaudy umbrella, joined
Phantom in stomping around onstage, in a style
reminiscent of Gene Kelly.

"I'm LAUGH-ing at clouds SO dark up above;
The SUN's in my HEART, and I'm ready for love…"

Boba, and his umbrella, came out and joined them,
skip-stomping in unison.

"Let the STORM-y clouds CHASE-" (Skip stomp)
Every ONE from the PLACE; (Stomp stomp skip)
Come ON with the RAIN, I've a SMILE on my face. (Skip
stomp skip stomp)
I'll WALK down the lane, with a HAP-py refrain, (Skip
skip stomp)
And SING-in' , just SING-in' in the rain!" (Stomp
STOMP!)

They froze, the Fetts on their knees flanking Phantom.


The audience gave the Angel of Music and his dancers a
long, loud, standing ovation.

"And that is our show, every one!" Commander said
after the decibel level had lowered. "Hope you enjoyed
it! We have another one in the works; it'll be out...
when it's out. Now, to the parking lot, for a bullet
time exhibition from Neo and Agent Smith!"

The crowd gave a final round of cheers. The Judges
immediately started arguing over who would get singing
lessons from the third Judge first. The Judge in
question wisely decided to vanish.

The audience trickled out of the theater and into the
parking lot, many of them still humming "Master of the
House".